Good clean catholic Jokes

Please add your jokes to this thread

So Jesus came upon a crowd who were about to stone a woman. He looked at the crowd an said “let the person who has not sinned cast the first stone”
Shortly after saying this a woman came out of the crown and hurled a stone.
Jesus turned and said, " I hate when you do that Mom."

Search Father James Martin on YouTube. He has all the good Catholic jokes!

Q: Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?

A: He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.

A Franciscan gets a haircut, and then asks how much he owes. The barber says he never charges clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and goes home. The next morning the barber finds a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans’ kitchens.

An Augustinian gets his hair cut by the same barber. The barber also tells him than he never charges clergy. So, the next day the barber receives a nice bottle of wine from the Augustinians' wine cellar.

A Jesuit gets his haircut, and the barber again says that he never charges clergy. The next day, when the barber gets to work, there are twelve other Jesuits already waiting for him.

Moses was leading the Hebrews to the Red Sea and the Egyptians were coming fast.

Moses turned to his PR agent: “Where are all those boats I told you to get!”

The PR man said, “What boats? You never mentioned boats to me.”

“Just great” said Moses; “what am I supposed to do, lift my staff and part the waters???”

The PR man answered: " If you can pull that one off, I can get you a whole section in the Bible."

A man goes to Confession in Northern Ireland about 40 years ago:

“Bless me Father for I have sinned; last night I blew up fifty miles of British railroad track.”

The priest answered: “My son, for penance you must do the stations”.

A missionary priest works in rural India among the poor. The monsoons come and the Villagers warn him that the river is rising and he must come with them to the shelters in the hills, but the missionary refuses to go, saying “God will rescue me so that you may have faith.” The river keeps rising, the priest climbs on a local roof to stay dry and a rescue boat crew comes, telling him to get in and they will bring him to safety. The priest refuses, saying “God will rescue me so that you may have faith.”
The river rises and the priest is perched on the building chimney. A rescue helicopter comes to save him, but he says “God will rescue me so that you may have faith.”

The priest drowns and stands before God at judgement and says “Lord, I don’t understand! I had such faith that you would save me, why am I here so young?”

God says “What? I sent you smart Villagers, a rescue boat and a helicopter. What did you expect, an engraved invitation?”

Probably more a morality tale than a joke, now that I read it back… :wink:

A parish priest’s car starts acting up, so he takes it to a parishioner to have it fixed. When he gets the quote for what the repair will cost, he blanches. “Ah, c’mon, can’t you give me a better price than that? I’m just a poor preacher!”

“A poor preacher, do you say? Well, I’ve heard a lot of preachers in my time, and I can say that you’re telling the truth there, Father, you’re telling the truth there…”

A cannibal was complaining to his cannibal buddy.

cannibal #1: “I have such a stomach ache.”
cannibal #2: “Was it something you ate?”
cannibal #1: “I don’t think so. I boiled and ate a Franciscan priest.”
cannibal #2: “There’s your problem - he’s a friar!”

Eh, works better when spoken than written…

Not theologically correct, perhaps, but kind of funny:

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit were sitting around discussing the deplorable state of the world. The Father finally concluded, “I don’t see any way around it. One of you guys is going to have to go back.” Both the Father and the Holy Spirit looked at Jesus. “Oh no. Don’t look at me,” he exclaimed. “Been there. Done that. Didn’t work out too well as you might recall.” So, the Father looked at the Holy Spirit and said, “Well, I guess it’s your turn.” Then the discussion turned to where it the world to send the Holy Spirit. After much discussion Jesus finally said, “Hey, what about Rome?” The Holy Spirit replied, “Hey, that’s a great idea. I’ve never been there!”


Seems like a Catholic Bashing joke to me…

“Catholic Bashing?” Are you for real? If you think that’s “Catholic Bashing,” you must be hyper-sensitive. I suggest growing another layer of skin - yours is awfully thin.

A Vatican flunky runs up to the Pope.

“Your Holiness,” he gasps, “I have some good news and some bad news; the good news is, Our LORD Himself is calling you on the overseas telephone!”

“Surely that is very good news indeed”, HH replies. “What could be the bad news?”

“Your Holiness, HE is calling from Salt Lake City.”



Ok, this one’s philosophical not religious:

Descartes was in a bar at closing time.

The barkeep asked if he’d like one for the road.

Descartes said, “I think not”…

…and at once went POOF!!!


Now THAT one is simply corny!!! LOL

These are great! Thanks for sharing…you all made my day.:slight_smile:

So there’s a wonderful fish and chips shop down on the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore, not far from where I live. Monks run it, and being a good Catholic, I figure I ought to support such a worthy endeavor. The reputation is that the place serves the best fish and chips in the world, so I go there and buy a meal.

And by gosh, they are the best fish and chips in the world! So good, in fact, that I have to go back to the kitchen and thank the chefs. And there they are, laboring in monkly robes over a hot stove. “Excuse me sir,” I say, “are you the fish friar?”

“No, son. I’m the chip monk.”

everyone begins throwing rotten tomatoes at Lujack


Ugh, that was bad.

Facepalm worthy…but tomatoes are too expensive to throw these days.