Help with Husband and Having Kids If you're a husband with kids please respond

Catholic Living Family Life
#1

O.K. - I really need some advice byond “pray” (I have done that for quite some time and I truly believe that God helps those that help themselves) -
I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that my doctors seem to be coming to the consensus that it would be o.k. for me to possibly try to get pregnant and hopefully be successful. The bad news is that my husband doesn’t seem too thrilled about the situation.
I’ve been on some form of birth control most of my life - (I don’t want to get into the rights and wrongs of birth control - I spoke with a Priest about it and because of my health situation, I was o.k.ed to take a.b.c. without having it considered wrong by the church) - I have kidney disease and have not been able to carry a pregnancy to term yet. The Doctors said lets wait and see if you begin beoming well enough to possibly handle trying to carry another fetus possibly to term. I think we had both thought that this time might never come -or that I’d be able to find Doctor’s willing to aide me with my health problems. My husband is not very close with the Church right now - much of this due to my not being able to carry a pregnancy to term and some of the other awful things that have occured due to being pregnant. (Kind of the whole - why would you let my wife get pregnant and not want her to have a baby -)

I’ve never had a problem getting pregnant before, but staying pregnant becomes the real battle. I’m fully prepared to need to be on bed rest for smoe time. I feel like I’ve saved some money, but I don’t know if it’s really possible to truly save enough money to feel like we have enough - ever. My best friend has told me, “no matter how much you save up - you’ll always feel like you need to save more - you’ll never feel you have enough - or by the time you do, you won’t be fertile anymore!” - So right now, my husband doesn’t seem that thrilled with the idea of us trying to have a child- I think part of it is also that we’ve gotten used to it just being the two of us along with our cat- we’re god parents to many kids as well as having some related children - like a nephew and a neice. I guess I really thought that when the doctors began saying it was o.k. that he would get excited- he seemed to get excited when we got pregnant a few years after being married but nothing close to that is happening now. Believe me, I’m scared to death about not being a good enough mom but what scares me even more is to get to be over 40 or 45 and have no children. He’s really great with kids too. It seems like one prayer has gotten answered - only to have me need to make another prayer. I don’t want to push something on my husband he doesn’t want. I love my husband dearly and I would never get pregnant on the sly (on purpose)-( I’ve gotten pregnant enough while on various forms of birth control and NFP) Before someone asks, we did talk about kids before we got married - we had wanted to try to have 4 - we kind of dreamed of 2 girls and 2 boys-we never dreamed of what kind of problems could occur. I’ve tried to mention that although things will change, we will still have time for some of the things we did before- plus we have my parents just a few hours away and I know my parents would help out (I’ve asked my mom)- I say this because I’m fairly certain one of the reasons he’s not thrilled about this idea is because I don’t think he wants to give up the life we have together-just the two of us and our cat and seeing someof our God Children or others occaisionally - we’ve gotten used to being able to spend money pretty much as we please and take holidays when we want- I am praying about this and have been- I know part of it is that even though the doctors believe me to be well enough, we have had some very close calls when I’ve been pregnant and then becoming deathly ill. But some of the times were when I didn’t even know I was pregnant - so I hadn’t the chance to even have my OBGYN check me out. Those scared me too and I don’t particularly want to go through anything like that again. I wish I could give him a garuntee that all would be well - but none of us can make that determination. Please without telling him “let’s just stop using birth control and if God wants us to get pregnant than I will…” (although I understand this statement is true, I don’t really believe he puts much stock in that argument.) I’ve gone ahead and gotten some things (because I don’t know how long I’ll have the o.k. from my docs - )- like an ova cue fertility tracker and some other tests for fertility. My OBGYN wants me to see a fertility expert as well. But if my husband won’t get behing me and support not just me but us then I don’t see any point in even trying. I’m trying not to look bummed around him. I guess I always thought he’d be the one talking me into trying to have a baby. I don’t want to say something untrue or wrong like “I’ll take care of the baby, you won’t have to do much” because that’s not true and I wouldn’t want it to be even if it could be. I wanted to have children for us - and I thought that God would eventually want me to have kids - if He didn’t then why have I gotten an o.k. from just about every doctor? I have a hard time believing that God would let me get the o.k. just to find I can’t take advantage of it. Sorry for going on so long but please help and pray! Also, if part of it is financial (which I know it is) please pray that I can find a job or make a go of the home based business I’m doing now - THanks again and God Bless - and if there are any husbands out there that might have been kind of like this, than plese let me know (I’ve been told by one that when he first saw his little girl, he melted and he knew he was meant to be a father- I don’t want to have to have a baby in order for him to feel this way - I mean I want him to want to be a father prior to me delivering!)

#2

You mentioned that you have gotten pregnant and lost babies before. You husband might be more affected by this in more than one way. He might have gotten attached to the baby and the lost affected him more than you know. But he thought he had to stay strong for you. He might be scared of losing another baby. The other thing is he might be scared of your mental and physical health if you lose another baby. It sounds like you need to have a long heart to heart talk about what is going on and on his and your feelings.

#3

Rye, not to open a whole other can of worms, but have you considered adoption? If your husband is scared of the health effects of a pregnancy on you, and from what I recall of your story, it would seem reasonable that he would be, maybe he would be open to that. I do not remember if you have addressed this before, i.e., the possibility of adoption. Could that work for the two of you?

#4

Thanks for the replies - I’ve considered adoption - rather we have - and it isn’t something that he really seems to want to do. Also, as the last “true” member of my family, it is something that I know has been expected of me. There’s also the fact that I want to try again - and we had also spoken when I first began having problems with pregnancies and said tht we would try again if/when the doctors ever said I was well enough. I really don’t think either of us ever really believed this time would come. We have spoken about the one’s we lost- most of the pregnancies he knows about ending (there are a couple where I went to the emergency room and found I was miscarrying - they were times when he didn’t need the stress of knowing what had happened- he did find out later though- but he understood why I didn’t say anything)-some occured while he was out a sea. there are only I think2 that he’s actually dealth with and we had a very cathartic situation where we let the ashes go. I know some of this is fear - but I’ve got that too - I just don’t know how to get him into the idea of trying again. Thanks

#5

Men are not blessed to carry a child within them, to learn to love the child while still inside. We do not get to feel the flutter of the first kick, wonder at the internal tumbles or laugh as the baby gets hiccups. (I know about the downsides of carry a child, but I’m focusing on bonding).

We watch the woman we love struggle with new aches and pains, illness and discomfort. We watch her stomach start to grow, but don’t necessarily connect with the child inside; we’re observers and all we see is the work our wives are doing. We worry for her health; the child is not as real to us as it is to her - nor can it be. It is not inside of us, part of us. Motherhood is not a club we can join.

Then, a child is born and handed to us and we’re expected (at least if feels that way) to instantly bond with the child. I have ten children - plus one who died at five months. Seven of my ten are natural, three are adopted. Not one of my natural children inspired love at first sight. It took time to get to know them, to love them. Frankly, it was the same with the ones we adopted. The process was identical to me.

I will say that my instinct to protect and defend them kicked in instantly.

So, your husband is probably concerned with losing you, either to health or to the “mommy” thing. Right now he has a friend, a lover, a companion and a single focus for his affections. He might not want to share that. Trust me, by the time the little one smiles, he’ll be smitten beyond the pale. He cannot understand he will be giving up almost nothing to gain something impossibly fantastic. That chubby little fist wrapped around a finger, a dirty face with beaming eyes, giggling in the bathtub, first steps, first bike ride, first date, first grandchild. I’ve experienced them all and would not trade places with anyone for any reason.

Give him time, be patient and try to see things from his perspective. You’ve got the internal view. Think of it like a glass-bottom boat. He’s stuck topside, miserable with sea-sickness, rain in his face, a smelly dead-fish deck and vomiting over the rails. You’re looking through the glass, under the cover out of the rain. You see amazing coral, beautiful tropical fish, sharks, seals and things that look like they’re from another world.

Once the baby is born, he’ll be party to that. Right now, he’s just fearing being seasick.

#6

Perhaps a Rachel’s Vinyard retreat - they have retreats for men - will help him heal and come back to the Church.

#7

Rachel’s vineyards retreats are for women and sometimes men (in my husband and my opinion) who have had abortions and feel guilty about them. I assure you that neither my husband or I are in that situation but thank you.

#8

I really liked the analogy you used - especially since my husband used to be a Nuke on a Submarine! But still, I’m trying to find a way to get him from "the doctor has said it’s o.k. to try again - to it’s o.k. to not use the birth control - I won’t not use it without telling him - (not that I believe you were saying this anyway) - we’ve seen this happen to people we are fairly close to and although it was accepted, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to change marriages with them. We’ve been married 9 years+ and known each other since the day of my 13th birthday (incidentally my first day in American High School) - so you’re right he and even I are used to just having each other. I don’t want to force this on him. They want us to see a fertility specialist because of some of the bleeding situations I have with regards to my cycle. We’re having trouble with the insurance forking out for it right now, thogh. I have no doubt that if/when I get pregnant and if/when I deliver a child and he sees him/her that he will also feel the protective feelings coming in and will also bond with the child fairly soon after its birth. Again, it’s the talking about not using the birth control for a bit and not sounding like a broken record. We’ve talked about this some, but as I mentined, he just doesn’t seem to want to even give it a try or be into the possibility of trying (i’m not worried about the process of making a potential human - I’m also worried about not only the time prior to that but also the time after. Thanks again for the repllies so far.
Rye

#9

Actually, they help people with a wide range of emotions and feelings that follow abortion. Regret, sorrow, sadness, depression - perhaps he is carrying sorrow about the lost children deep in his heart.

#10

I’m not going to sit here and debate what Rache’s Vineyard is about -I’ve looked at their site and this is what they said "Rachel’s Vineyard is a safe place to renew, rebuild and redeem hearts broken by abortion. Weekend retreats offer you a supportive, confidential and non-judgmental environment where women and men can express, release and reconcile painful post-abortive emotions to begin the process of restoration, renewal and healing. " As I said, I thank you for your comment, but neither of us needs that kind of situation. As I said, some may, but we are not one of them. And yes he has heard about this organization (it’s hard to be Catholic and not).

#11

Wow, I think it’s pretty offensive to suggest an abortion healing ministry to someone who has suffered miscarriages. Part of the pain of miscarriage is knowing that we would NEVER have chosen to have that baby leave us, but our love wasn’t enough to keep them alive and healthy! The little person we loved and wanted was taken away, and our hearts are left aching, our arms and wombs empty. I know I felt like I could feel the echo…

To suggest that a ministry that caters to women who CHOSE TO KILL their babies is appropriate to that pain borders on cruelty.

ryecroft, I know I was shocked at how deeply my miscarriages affected my husband. He even considered a vasectomy because he never wanted to face that pain again. Aside from just the normal guy stuff of knives near his privities, he also is a serious Catholic for whom that kind of defiance would have been extremely difficult. But at that point, he didn’t care. He couldn’t bring himself to fall in love with and look forward to any more dead babies. So your husband may need a few weeks of counseling, because he is showing an avoidant-trauma type response. I really think it’s fear and pain that is making him turn away from the joy of being able to try for a baby.

Thankfully, we were able to have another healthy baby after my miscarriages. I have to admit, that has been very healing. No one can offer you any guarantee, but if your doctors think the signs look good, you have to help him get past his pain and fear so that you two can try to get to the other side, where the ultimate reward may be waiting. Good luck.

#12

What? speak up you really need to work on researching things before you “speak up”. Rachael’s Vinyard main focus, is postabortive councelling, but they also do much work towards prenatal and neonatal death. They actually are one of the only places that acknowlege men can be affected by a prenatal death, weither it was by miscariage or abortion. Perhaps a retreat wouldn’t be appropriate but they could certinally point you in the direction of materials that may help your husband.

#13

Maybe your hubby is scared for you as well…Maybe the risks have increased and he doesn’t want you at anymore risk than what you are…and maybe it is an attachment to the children that he just doesn’t want to deal with it anymore…I really think you should seek counseling with your priest, both of you to help you out and maybe even a doctor or 2 to help you guys confront this situation with better understanding?

#14

Ryecroft has been very open and outspoken on these boards about she and her husband’s experience when they chose an abortion.

#15

purplesunshine, maybe you should read the Rachel’s Vineyard website:

From the home page:

Rachel’s Vineyard is a safe place to renew, rebuild and redeem hearts broken by abortion. Weekend retreats offer you a supportive, confidential and non-judgmental environment where women and men can express, release and reconcile painful post-abortive emotions to begin the process of restoration, renewal and healing.

Rachel’s Vineyard can help you find your inner voice. It can help you experience God’s love and compassion on a profound level. It creates a place where men and women can share, often for the first time, their deepest feelings about abortion. You are allowed to dismantle troubling secrets in an environment of emotional and spiritual safety.

Rachel’s Vineyard is therapy for the soul. Participants, who have been trapped in anger toward themselves or others, experience forgiveness. Peace is found. Lives are restored. A sense of hope and meaning for the future is finally re-discovered.

From the About Us page:

**Rachel’s Vineyard weekends for healing after abortion **are offered throughout the year in locations across the United States and Canada, with additional sites in Portugal, Australia and New Zealand. We also offer a 13-week support group model for Rachel’s Vineyard. Rachel’s Vineyard is a ministry of Priests for Life

The program is an opportunity to examine your abortion experience, identify the ways that the loss has impacted you in the past and present, and helps to acknowledge any unresolved feelings that many individuals struggle with after abortion. Because of the emotional numbness and secrecy that often surrounds an abortion experience, conflicting emotions both during and after the event may remain unresolved. These buried feelings can surface later and may be symptoms of post abortion trauma.

From the Men’s page:

We express a warm welcome to those men who have been involved in any way with abortion. We hope the information in this section will help you to begin to make sense of your experience and assist you in your journey to healing.

Suffering Because of an Abortion You Could Not Stop?
Perhaps your girlfriend or wife had an abortion against your will. You may have been powerless to stop her decision and protect your child. Fathers do not have any rights when their partner is making a decision to abort. Rachel’s Vineyard will help you to grieve your loss and deal with the powerful feelings of anger and depression you are struggling with. You will need the help of others to heal of this loss. Please go to our Weekend Retreat locations for confidential email and phone contacts. You can also go to our Men’s Email Buddies section. Here you will find the bios of men ready to reach out with support. Contact them with any questions and to share about your loss.

Stuck in a Cycle of Repeating Self Destructive Behaviors?
Theresa Burke is the author of Forbidden Grief, and developed the Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat Process. This section from Forbidden Grief on “Traumatic Re-enactment” may shed some light on some of the ways we can act out on our unresolved abortion pain, or to help us understand a loved one who is suffering from abortion trauma.

If they have any services for people who have not experienced abortion, there is no evidence of that on their website that I can find. Where would you direct my research?

In response to kage, I just re-read the OP to make sure I didn’t miss anything… there is nothing in there about an abortion. Only miscarriages… If ryecroft had an abortion, then Rachel’s Vineyard may be appropriate after all. The guilt could be causing rye’s husband to feel unworthy of being a father and so he is avoiding it.

But, how could someone know about the abortion, if there was one, if she didn’t bring it up?

#16

They may have changed their website in recent times. Their old website was very inclusive, as well as old materials that I’ve seen in brochure holders at my parish. I think it’s even been suggested on other threads. Still, I stand by my statement that they’d be better off going to a good source.

#17

Well, maybe the changes reflect a change in focus? Because honestly, I could find nothing on their site that didn’t deal with abortion. I saw nothing about miscarriage or prenatal death, only abortion. Perhaps they are moving away from being so inclusive and refining their mission. There are alot of abortions happening…

#18

Based on this comment, I did a search on ryecroft and abortion. So, I guess there was one. Therefore, I am modifying my comments. kage was justified in suggesting Rachel’s Vineyard.

ryecroft, I think your husband fears a repeat of possibly losing you. He’s probably justified. He’s probably also suffering from guilt from the abortion. I did not read the entire thread I looked up, but it seems to me that you defiantly refuse to have any guilt over the abortion. I think you are having a defensive response and have become a pro-choice advocate to cover your own pain and guilt. Rachel’s Vineyard may actually be just what you need.

And honestly? If your body handled pregnancy that badly, and you have not been able to maintain another pregnancy… maybe your husband just isn’t willing to try anymore, but he’s remaining silent because he knows what will happen if he says that to you. But maybe he has a point…

#19

O.K. - since it’s been brought up - I was in hospital, pregnant with a fetus that could not survive outside of me - I was loosing blood at a rapid rate and the doctor had to stop the bleeding - in order to do this, the fetus had to be sacrificed - since I made the last comments (which were about sacrificing a fetus in order to save the mother when there was no chance of the fetus living outside of the mother-in other words saving one life instead of loosing two) - so call it what you will kag aer - since you seem bound and determined to bring this up - but I will make my comment again - my husband and I are aware of Rachel’s vineyard, if we had need of it we would use it, but it does not apply to us- we have spoken with a monseignor on this and were told that the docterine of double effect took place in this situation-and that we did NOTHING wrong - it sucked that the choice had to be made but it had to be made - you can say he’s wrong or not, we (I) really don’t care - but all I can say is I’m glad it wasn’t you there in hospital making the decision whether I should live or die, because aparently you would have waited until I was dead, hoping for some kind of miracle -thank GOD my Doctor and Husband were smart enough to save my life. So please stop bringing up rachel’s vineyard as I have said it does not apply to us and we have dealt with the after math (and yes my husband says the same).
God Bless
Annie AKA Rye

p.s. I don’t think people should have to “research” the O.P. prior to having to make a comment.

#20

And by the way, the only stuff I found on the Rachle’s vineyard website had to do with abortion and father’s/mother’s that had experienced abortions. It didn’t look much like it had changed from the quote I put up.

I have no idea why Kage ar would come here and want to bring up what she did, but hey she did. For anyone that is interested, it was not considered “direct” - what had to occur was done in order to save my life and I will never feel remorse for that. It sucked that it happened but there was no point of having two lives lost instead of just one. I don’t want a debate to begin about this again as that one went on nearly indeffinately.

But beyond my previous comments does anyone have any comments regarding my husband and what I might do to help him (as Rachel’s Vineyard is not something that we feel applies to us or that would help) get excited about getting pregnant (beyond the obvious “excitement”)