Hey Robber, It Says 'Use Other Door'

In order to pursue an illustrious career as a convenience-store stickup man, it’s always good to master the ability to read.

A dense thief making off with a whopping $60 in Joplin, Mo., repeatedly threw himself against a locked door, even though a sign right in front of him said to use the other door, according to The Joplin Globe.

The dim-witted robber then smashed a window at the Fastrip store and dove through to make his getaway — even though he could have just walked out the door he had entered through.

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Here’s another good one posted below the other story:

Babbling Burglar Swept Off With Broom

A befuddled burglar who stormed into a Decatur, Ill., Phillips 66 station on Dec. 1 brandishing a large kitchen knife was eventually chased off with a broom, according to the Herald & Review.

The robber demanded money from a 46-year-old female clerk, Sgt. Steve Chabak of the Decatur Police Department told the paper.

“The woman told us he was speaking with a fake accent,” Chabak told the Herald & Review. “He kept repeating ‘I need money to get back to my homeland.’”

While the bamboozled burglar babbled on, Chabak said, a 34-year-old Middle Eastern male employee who spoke only very limited English emerged from the back room.

“He didn’t understand what was going on,” Chabak told the Herald & Review. “So the female clerk had to stop right in the middle of things and explain to him that they were being robbed.”

Chabak said the male clerk then asked how much money the robber wanted, and when the man said “$500,” the clerk went back to the store office to get the money.

“The robber is starting to get antsy and starts to put the knife away while telling the woman he’ll have to get his gun out and shoot her if he doesn’t get the money,” Chabak told the paper. “About that time, the male clerk comes running out with a broom and a chair and chases the robber off.”