Husband is away, but I don't miss him

I hope I get some compassionate comments on this. My husband is away for work and will be for 3 months. I really don’t miss him that much and I think there is something wrong with that.

We have 4 children and they miss him, I think, but they don’t memtion it very much. He has been gone 10 days now.

Things seem more peaceful around here because he tends to be very tense. Sort of a type-A.

Anyway, it’s getting to the point that I don’t even want to talk to him on the phone.

Although married for 20something years, I don’t claim to be a marriage expert. I do suggest that you spend your time planning for some special time away together ( just you and hubby ! ) as soon as possible! It sounds like you both need quality ‘alone’ time together. Start dreaming now and when he calls next time ( better yet you call him) tell him what you are thinking of. Dream together about going someplace special and then do it. Have fun!

I think you’re right to be worried that you don’t miss him after 10 days. It’s also concerning that the children don’t miss him a lot. You mention things are more peaceful, because he’s tense – does this mean he takes his stress out on you and the kids and so everyone walks on eggshells when he’s home? If so, there’s something wrong with the way he interacts with your family. Maybe spend this time thinking about this in preparation for some serious discussions when he gets home.

I’m certainly not a marriage expert, but I know that at one point my husband was constantly stressed and cranky. He works a lot of hours and it seemed as though he would come home from work and just start in on the kids and be less than pleasant to me. I finally told him that we were happier when he was at work, and how sad that made me. He was astonished, he had no idea. He felt guilty that I had so much responsibility for the kids while he was gone and was trying to compensate when he was home. I told him the kids were fine, I can handle them, I can’t handle a pain in the %#@ husband. It made quite an impression on him and things have improved.

I hope things work out well for you and your family.

…best advice that i have seen in these threads in months…


What if you look at the next 3 months as sort of a personal “Lent for My Marriage”? What if you sacrificed one thing every day, and offered it up for your husband and his vocation as husband and father? Could you dedicate a special devotion a day just to the building up of your marriage? Just an idea.

I’ve only been married almost 2 years, but I can testify first-hand to the power of a praying wife. It really is Amazing, that Grace! It’s even sweeter when I don’t tell my husband that I am praying or sacrificing for him.

It struck me that this could be a pivotal point for you and your husband…either a time for the enemy to drive you farther apart, or a time for you to cling even tighter to God and beg Him to knit the two of you together again, as tightly as on your wedding day.

I’ll remember you in my prayers tonight. God bless you, and thank you for having the courage to post this!

DH also goes away for work for months at a time, when kids were home it was kind of a vacation from discipline, even got lax about Mass attendance, took me a long time to see what damage I was doing promoting that attitude. I learned a long time ago the only person you can change in a marriage - or a family - is yourself, so I went to work on myself. Not a rousing success story but I am calmer, less angry, more appreciative, more loving, more supportive, and generally easier to live with than I used to be.

I can partially relate. Dh travels on business. More often than not just 2 or 3 nights away, sometimes a week, the longest was 5 weeks. In some ways it’s a relief because dinners are no big deal, I can do what I want etc. He’s ADD and sometimes I think his travel saved our marriage! Just when I get annoyed, he goes on a trip, I get a break, and that helps. We do take time away, though. We go to breakfast together twice a month, take walks after dinner etc.

This post could have been written by me, back when my husband was active duty. His “'TDYs” were actually not that hard to deal with and they usually didn’t last too long.

My own dh just got back from a business trip and instead of the happy reunion I would have liked - we had a HUGE meltdown ending with me asking when the heck his next trip was and him going on a long drive…:frowning:

My dh wanted to come home, sit down, maybe have a nap, listen to the kids tell him about their homework - basicly he was dreaming!

Reality? I’ve been stuck home with 7 kids, 2 of which had some freaky, hivey rash thing the dr. just scratched her head over. A baby that decided to start walking while dad was gone and bashed his wee little head on his big brothers tonka truck and needed stitches, which meant a trip to the same head scratching dr with all the kids in tow again. In my spare time I’m cleaning every square inch of the house and redoing all 8 beds to try to wash out whatever it is that is causing the rash issue, explaining algebra, have discovered ticks in the yard, so I mow it and spray it and bury another son’s rescued rabbit in it. And that was what I did within 3 days of his leaving - the rest of the week did NOT go get better!

I’m not thinking dh is home to relax - I’m thinking dh is the calvary come to rescue me! Dh has been able to do some fun things after work during his trip - see a U2 concert, see Star Wars 3, eat at $40+ dinners, sleep all night, take a hot shower from beginning to end, and pee whenever he wants instead of having to wait until 1 of any 5 other little people use it, clog it with tiolet paper, and I unclog it only to turn and see the newest one being potty trained doing a version of my own pee-pee dance and knowing chances are bad that he can hold while I go, so of course I let him go and wait to repeat the procedure again before I can finally go.

Dh gets into the van at the airport and says “I’m going to sleep on the ride home. I’m beat!” and then, I kid you not he actually said, “What you gonna make me for dinner tonight?” Oh man! It’s a good thing I was driving or I’d a lost it!

Yes, we could use some alone time, but it isn’t going to happen. Period.

I need to make an effort to get him involved even when he isn’t here. Otherwise, we’re not working together and the feeling of going solo makes us both feel lonely and that makes us feel very grouchy.

I’ll talk to him over the week, when things have settled down some and we’ll work it out, just like we have the past 12 years.

I agree the only person you can change is you though, so you have an obligation to love your husband. Before you speak to him, you should look very closely at why you are reacting this way and pray for the Lord to give you understanding of your dh, so that you can reconnect. I have a theory that he may be seen as an “interruption” in the family???

I offer you much compassion, I know that you must be feeling very alone and cut off from him?

Rob’s Wife… I don’t know if your post made me want to laugh, cry, or both…particularly the part that took place outside the bathroom door. I know if Rob wound up dead of a cast iron skillet to the noggin, there isn’t a jury of your peers that would convict you! (Or as my Mom used to say, “Divorce? Never. Homocide… it crossed my mind.” :wink: )

Maybe you two can’t have time alone, but if you got some time alone while he got 24-36 hours in your shoes at home, it could be the start of a very productive dialogue. A little overnight vacation with your sister or a school friend might be in order. (Who was your maid of honor?)

Gloriapatri… you need to talk to someone about this. Because of the pastor I have, I’d talk to my pastor. In any event, talk to someone Catholic, with pastoral training, who inspires your confidence, and who will be bound to keep your confidence, as well. (Do not go to a member of your family, unless that is the only choice you have.)

I did the long distance thing for several years. The kind-of-enjoying-running-my-own-life-again is normal. A why-should-I-want-to-talk-to-you every now and again isn’t a blaring red siren, but it sets an alarm off. It bears looking into. You may resent that he’s left or you have just gotten enough perspective to start resenting what he did while he was with you. Knowing that matters, and as some people have wisely suggested, using this time to the advantage of your marriage is essential.

This isn’t the death toll for your marriage, though. It means you have work to do, but in the long run, this trip may be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage. The best of luck to you!

Just wanted to say to Rob’s Wife, thank you so much for that post. You made me laugh and just feel better.

To BLB, you are right and I have told one of our priests at my parish that I need to talk to him. I do know that this isn’t the worst thing ever but I also know I need to get a different perspective on this.
Thanks to all of you. I appreciate so much that you took the time to post.

Things seem more peaceful around here because he tends to be very tense. Sort of a type-A.

Believe me, I can relate. It’ s wonderful when my husband goes away. Makes me wish I could win the Lotto and get a place down the road.

…WARNING, husbands or code word DH… you might want to stay away from this thread… just a thought…’

…i could be wrong…sheese… gotta get outta here:eek:

now all of a sudden mrs SG has a gun… :bigyikes:


My hubby is in the military and I can relate to you. Oh man, can I relate. I love my hubby dearly but it seems like the time when he returns from a TDY is as stressful as when he first leaves. Poor guy, he actually upsets the routine that I get going when he left and then he has to learn to redeal with four kids begging for his attention. Luckily, we both have a sense humor so we eventually adjust to his homecoming.


I will pray for you and your dh. I have to admit that sometimes when Hubby works late or is away for awhile, it’s sort of a nice break. With all the pressures of family life, I don’t think it’s odd to to enjoy a little bit of a breather.

I love Stephanie C’s advice. Maybe take it one step further and offer up the frustrations you have with dh for him. This is what Elisabeth Lesseur did. I would recommend reading her journal. Her husband was very difficult to live with and was hostile to her faith. She offered up all of her pain and suffering in dealing with him. He eventually became a priest after she passed away—keep in mind that he was pretty much an atheist. I’m reading this book now and it has helped me immensely in dealing with my husband–especially on his “Type A” days.

In addition to what I said earlier I want to add the following.

A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives.
1 Corinthians 7:39

If conversation still isn’t easy for you then I suggest that you express your feelings to your husband when he returns. It is important that he knows how you are feeling. I suspect you miss him very much when he is away. Your children love their father but adjust the only way they can. Children imitate parents. You and hubby must confront openly the wedge his job maybe creating in your marital relationship. He maybe unhappier than you think about leaving his wife and family. He maybe able to express feelings to you that make you feel more comfortable when he is away. Together with God, you and your husband can work any of your problems out.

Goloriapatri, I don’t know your exact situation or frequency of your husband’s trips, so I don’t know if my comments will be relevant.

My husband travels, & we’ve had to talk about what this does to the family. I know he’s in a difficult position because he’s the primary bread winner in the family; however, each time he travels it gets easier & easier having him away. It’s like we get desensitized to having him gone. Life’s a little simpler too when he’s gone 'cause we don’t have to rush around trying to tidy up before he comes home or prepare a hot meal.

I think it’s sad but a natural response to his being gone. I believe it is also a way of protecting ourselves from being hurt.

After we talked he’s travelled less. We try to do something special for him before he leaves & after he comes back so he feels cared for, but, as for the feelings, I pray that God helps me there 'cause it hasn’t changed on its own.

I disagree with you on this one SG. Maybe husbands need to read this thread so they know how their absence affects their families.

Wives need to communicate to husbands. Husbands don’t want to read about their love life on a thread. There is no substitute for a real honest and open conversation between a husband and wife…face to face.