I need help

I need help

I have always believed in God. I am Catholic, was born in another country, always have loved and respected the church, have felt (even though I have sinned) that the Spirit of God dwells in me, that he has protected me and that many, many times his justice has been made true in my eyes and in that of my family. I consider myself a person that seeks purity of heart, of thought, and of action. I seek selflessness and love above all else always. I seek true beauty and I seek the Spirit of God with all my heart, humbling myself before him all that I can and more, because He deserves it, and because my sins are all too horrible, and only He can forgive them. I have always feared God’s judgement.

The story of my life has been beautiful up to now. I have been blessed with intelligence, gentleness, and strength of character. I always loved going to church, praying my heart out to God, feeling his mercy, and letting go of all that was evil and unholy. The chants which I heard in church when I was a kid in my country of origin I can still remember, they fill me with joy and hope. I developed since early a love for architecture (especially religious) for music, for science, for knowledge of all that is good, for wisdom. I grew up in a household that was all too pure of heart, even in the most precarious of conditions, and my parents were never too slow to punish evil and teach a good lesson, never too slow to forgive and give love to build me up. God has given me the greatest gift of having the most loving parents, the best grandma, and a beautiful family. I have always been spiritual in nature and conscious of my place as a person who fears God always.

After I came to the US with my parents and brother, we have all grown to love this land and have prospered thanks to God, who, even though we have been wronged once and twice and many times during this time, has made justice EVERY TIME, assuring us of his mercy and his power.

However, due to my own horrible actions and perversions, I did some things a short time after I arrived (at a very short age) that were not fond of praise and were just disgusting. I developed a habit for pornography that has stayed with me for a long time already, but which I could easily suppress and go on with life as usual, as long as I knew nobody else knew about it. I cannot give out all details, but it is just horrible. I continued with my life even though I had these demons in my conscience. I would go to church and repent of my sins, but I would go back and (feeling the thrill of breaking a rule) I would find pleasure in this horrible sin. However, I would control my thoughts and have no trouble hiding everything else as long as I had a will to keep it a secret, or ignore it. Or so I thought.

Certain pains and troubles my family suffered during my High School years strenthened my belief in God and my dwelling in His Spirit. Justice was made on the part of my parents (after a long time) for wrongdoings by certain “friends” of theirs, and many, many proofs of His mercy, His good will, and His love were made clear before my eyes and my parents’. I felt that, even though we were going through the most horrible and depressing of times, there was still hope, and I felt assured that God would make justice and put each and every one in their rightful place. I grew in love for God and for prayer. I sought always to learn more of anything that I could. I have always been fond of knowledge, and expanded it with ease. I felt I had nothing to fear because the Lord was with me, but I always had the creeping fear of my secrets, which were always in my conscience and of which I couldn’t let go… I got used to ignoring them, and asking God for forgiveness and to forget and assuage my feelings of despair.

I began to get closer to God, and even though my family and I failed to attend mass as we should have, I sought to listen to chants and to study church teachings, history, facts, etc. I spent entire days praising God and His Spirirt through sacred music, and I felt I had nothing to fear. I wish I could put into words how faithful I felt. Nothing really compares to just waking up in the morning having the freedom of knowing that everything is allright, that you are in your rightful place, able to praise God under your own will and in a clean spirit. I began slowly to feel desperate about my sins and to feel a need to disclose of them. I sought this with my best friend, but I could only say so much about myself and my sins. I cried just for disclosing some emerging separation between my parents. However, I returned again and again to praising him wherever I was, reminding myself that he had made so many beautiful works in my life, I cried just listening to sacred music, standing outside, looking at the stars, admiring His Holy works, feeling His mercy and power, His love. I knew that I needed his love and his mercy because I have done horrible things which have burned my mind with horrible images.

Anyways, I was preparing to enter college. I received very good scores in my assessments, received various scholarships, and entered a university I didn’t even hope of getting into. I felt as close to God as one can feel. But yet, it seemed that, while I knew the coming times were going to free myself from all of the stressful lies and anger that had built up in me, I had the perception that I could or should do things that seemed fun for other people my age, even though I have always thought it to be stupid or just downright wrong. There was a growing sense of “you should seek freedom” (a dark kind of freedom, it seems now).

So I started college, and it seemed I wasn’t wise at all, for even though I felt the spirit and the prescence of my Father in me, I spoke ignorantly when I said to one of my professors (during one conversation dealing with “myths” and entertaining the idea of the Bible as a “myth”) that “I didn’t know if it was true because I wasn’t there” (I wasn’t specifically referring to the Bible but the Bible was IN the conversation)… and that “I just know that I don’t know.” I don’t know what made me say such foolish things, but all I know it that they prepared the way for something worse.

Entertaining highly philosophical thoughts (as I always have, for I had nothing ether than the Lord to fear), I went into the issue or religiosity and truth, and freedom, and society, and everything that I was going through seemed to call violently for my need to be that (horrible) person which I had always hidden. But I always knew what was right and what was wrong. Soon after, I decided to even question the existence of God… and entertained this idea for about 5 seconds, when I realized that I had done the most stupid, sinful, horribly wrong thing to do. I felt I had betrayed my God and I had done evil not only in his eyes, but to myself, and an ominous sense of anxiety and fear set in almost instantly…

It was the beginning of a very long depression. I would ramble hours on end about this new sin, being the worst of all, and I would go back and forth between trying to assure myself that God would forgive me and the idea that I should make reparations for this sin, that I should feel sorry for myself and, crying, ask God for mercy, as I had done so many times before. I began to feel low and fearful… I began worrying for my own health and my ability to concentrate in my classes, which made my lose my concentration even more. I separated myself from my friends and my duties as a student. I began to have a dislike for studying even though I had always expected to do my best, to have a new start, in college. I asked God for mercy 24/7, I felt bad just by breathing, suddenly all bad images from the past came back at me, it seemed as if someone or something in my mind made accusations that were false and evil, I went literally nuts when I began to see that, trying to pray, horrible, blasphemous thoughts would cross my head (this was a whole new level for me). I would even fear of praying bcause I thought I’d disrespect God or His Holy Mother by doing so. I even had my first EVER anxiety attack one afternoon, and I thought either my heart was going to explode, my mind was going to go crazy, or I was going to have a heart attack, so horrible was the situation. Nothing that I did assuaged the pain,the anguish, the fear, the helplessness. Horrible thoughts were flying everywhere, I even began to think I was not right in the head, that I needed a psychologist, when I have always been careful not to mix emotional pain with psychological needs (I have always been a very balanced and self-controlled person). I spent almost 99% of the time spent in my house asking God for help and forgiveness and mercy, and about 50% of the time in school doing the same. In my house however, I would have the most horrible thoughts, and every time I would go in my room I sensed that something what just wrong, menacing and evil. I felt completely sad and fearul. It was as if I was living in hell. One night (and I doubt my own sanity on this one) I was asking God for forgiveness before going to sleep, and my mother, who was lying next to me, had already fallen asleep, when, while I had my eyes closed, part of the covering which I had on me (on my feet) pressed down suddenly and without an apparent reason… I decided to ignore it and just go to sleep. After that I spent literally about a month and a half in pain and anguish, feeling desperate, lonely and helpless, even though I keep a schedule of seven classes in my school, am part of the Honors College, and need to keep up my grades.

I began to inquire about things having to do with demonic obsession/opression… because I felt that somehow something around me or in me was very wrong, it was as if I was spewing evil in all that I did and saw. I thought of the most wrong, crazy things about harming myself and other, even though I have NEVER, EVER entertained such ideas before. I just suffered in the knowledge that I was in this state, thinking of things I did not want to think about, when my will and my own conscience dictated I should be feeling, seeing, and living otherwise.

Even in this state, evil lust managed to get a hold of me, and, even though I fell to masturbation at least twice, I gathered no pleasure from it, I felt dumb, just dead, in the mind, I did not wish to live anymore, to suffer anymore, I even questioned my own reality. My guilt and suffering were driving me insane. I do not want to make asumptions, but I want to seek the help of a priest, psychologist, or exorcist, because I am not feeling right and I acknowledge that the way I am looking at things right now is COMPLETELY messed up… Before I felt as if I had somehow lost my own will, I went past that, now I feel as if every time I pray there is an evil prescence which takes the place of the good and I just stop praying every time. Even in the earliest stages of this “depression” I went through many events when, while praying, the name of _____ would attempt to take the place of God, and horrible misnames would somehow introduce themselves into the prayer. I stopped every time I noticed these things and proceeded to make my prayer more humble, more “sane,” asking God to help me overcome these obstacles. I have researched many mental illnesses as well as other dark influences which may be the cause of these events, but I always go back to doubting they may be the cause, for my own actions and thoughts and lusts and evil desires have been much, if not al, of the cause of these events. Sometimes I think of God and I just feel painful and helpless.

I already told my parents about my need for a psycholgist, but I know in my heart that I need a blessing, something to take me back to reality, because I still feel neutral, as if I was “brain dead.” For two months and a half I suffered of headaches, something that is really hard to believe, but which I can say is true.

I went to confess my sins at church, but, feeling a hunger for Christ’s host in my person, I attended mass, and to my surprise and sadness, I did not receive the uplifting I had always received by the Host before. I felt as if it was all lying under a sea of confusion and horrible thoughts that woud not go away… either way, I managed to concentrate and ask God for forgiveness once more, and for strength. There have been certain days when the Spirit of God seems to kick in and tears just flow, when I can remember perfectly the songs I heard when I was a child in my native country, and the songs just make me feel ful of peace and hope… but these often subside at my desperate need for “total cleansing” which I have looked for for already two months.

I just called my archdiocese a little while ago and asked for the exorcist, to which they responded: “I’m sorry, there is no exorcist, these things are not very common.”

I am totally willing to accept any diagnosis or judgement upon myself, my character, my health, or my beliefs, by any knowledgeable expert, as long as I can explain myself fully, disclose all of my secrets, feel the sadness and grief I need to feel, and ask God for forgiveness in my right mind and in full will, leaving nothing hidden and no question unasked. I have spent two and a half months of my life seeking only the refuge of sleep (which has suffered horrible nightmares of all types, and in which even the ramblings that go on in awakened state happen), and I have gone to the point of asking God for my own death, which I very much regret, for I know I’m not supposed to be feeling like this.

In any case, if this is a punishment, then I deserve it, but I hope I leave from it completely clean of Spirit, of mind, of body, of soul, of belief, and in truth, fearing nithing but the Lord.

God help me!

I’m sorry for the message being to long, If I were to write every thing I’ve done, felt, seen, suffered, and grieved during these last two and a half months it’d take me the lenght of four world encyclopedias.

Peace be with you.


my advise is you need a Spiritual Director, find a priest in your local parish that you have a friendly relationship with, and start confessing with him everytime you go to confession, tell him all this and you should ask him how often you should confess.
this information seems rather private and should be discussed between you and your Spiritual DIrector.

a Spiritual Director is important for many reason. Also the parts about the demonic evil presence might be true or might be your imagination, you need to talk to a priest who is faithful to the Catholic Church, and get to know him.

i will be praying for you :gopray:

God Bless :thumbsup:

I am praying for you! :hug1:

Thank you so much! I guess I just needed to let go a little… a long road still remains… I’ll do as you have advised. God Bless You!

Thank You for your prayers!