The Pain Of Spirituality

Hello my name is Frank. It’s been about over a year since I posted. I’m a published poet and writer and I’m 34 years old. I’ve lived a drama life full of turmoil. My mother abandoning me, My father an angry man. I was an abuser of booze and alcohol. I was a womanizer, I’m divorced and I’ve not seen my child in two years. I traveled the USA doing readings and art gatherings. I’ve since turned back to god and the church. Though IT SEEMS LIKE A BATTLE FOR ME INSIDE! I grow close to god then I push away. Thoughts of bordem sometimes pop in my head, Thoughts of bitterness and I sometimes find myself living a life of sloth and lust. I spent the last three weeks living a homeless life in Alabama. Trying to connect with my child and ex-wife. I was around my ex-wife and we got along fine. I turned myself in on a warrant and served 3 days. I quit drinking when times are bad. I walked 10 miles in a cast and I was filthy and ran into a random priest on Christmas Eve he bought me food and coffee and put me in a hotel for the night! It was a miracle! I then spent Christmas day in the rain…soaked and muddy. The next day my ex-wife gave me food and washed my clothes, another miracle! I then went to a local church and confessed my sins and the church put me in a hotel for 3 days and drove me to a bus station so I could get to Boston for a few weeks and stay with my pain in the butt father! The Saint Vincent De Paul said they would help me get into an apartment and give me vouchers at the salvation army for furniture…when I get back to bama to be around me child! Another miracle. I know the truth of god and the church…but my insides battle it with questions and bitterness. I sometimes feel so human that I doubt so much. I feel like Peter and deny Jesus from time to time. I know in my heart God wants me to write my next novel to glorify him and tell my story…but I fear the dullness of it all. Somedays I pray and feel god all around me…sometimes I feel so alone. I just want my child, my family back, to finish college and write…PLEASE PRAY FOR ME! any tips on spirituality would help a lot thanks…and may god be with you.

Hello Frank,

I’m not really smart enough to offer any great tips, but I will hold you up in prayer. I believe in my heart, that your life has turned around now.


This is just an idea- I’m a layperson and absolutely not professional, but you might want to consider beginning a devotion to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. She is very gentle and pure, and helps me to change in heart. Here’s a good article describing the devotion:

JMJ / MMM 09005 Monday
Dear Frank, my brother in Christ –
I am taking your posting very seriously. You wrote, “I just want my child, my family back, to finish college and write…PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!” I believe Jesus has pointed a finger at me and told me, “John, I want you to love Frank as I have loved you. Frank belongs to me and I want him back!”

 Frank, you've got some whooping lot of work to do!  You want family back? Really? Strongly? Very strongly? It CAN be done, Frank. But God will NOT do it unless you are very serious and willing to work and have some self-discipline. God WILL work with you .. but NOT without you.

 I am going to prepare a more complete and meaningful posting to you keeping your posting constantly before me. It may take me into tomorrow night.

 At this time in my life Jesus has asked me to share with him on the Cross. He has asked of me very much. But first, Frank, he GAVE me very, very much. So I'm kind of "stuck" Loving him in the Trinity. You can pray for me too, Frank.

John (JohnJFarren)
I’ll sign off now

You are in my prayers too Frank. God Bless.

John, I heard Him too, in the very convicting words you just posted. Thank you for that.

Frank, This week I have taken on staying after daily Mass and saying one Rosary and one Divine Mercy Chaplet. I will offer them with your intentions in mind - for the completion of the work God has started in you; for both your material and spiritual needs; and for healing in your family.

JMJ / MMM 090105 Monday (Thanks, beckycmarie)
Dear Brother Frank –
Your life of 34 years certainly has been one of turmoil. You write of a great battle going on inside you. Yes, after your wanderings it’s not surprising. It’s important to understand, Frank, that these kinds of suffering you are experiencing are NOT punishments for your sins. They are NOT. Consequences, Frank, that’s what they are, consequences. God’s Infinite Love for you has never stopped, has never changed. Not even right in the middle of your sins. God never changes.

And so, don’t be hard on God. You are the one who continues to hit yourself on the head with a hammer. Not God. Truly (speaking anthropomorphically) God in His Love for you WEEPS when He sees you harming yourself and others by your sins. Always see God as Loving and Caring and never changing.

You want very much your child and your family back. No one can guarantee that, no matter how well you do your part working with God. Jesus tells us to pray to himself or to the Father in his Name … and God will grant what we ask. Seldom do I meet people who understand the meaning of this promise. John’s first epistle clears this up, “And we have this confidence in him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” 1 John 5:14. God may say YES … and God may say NO – as He did to His own Divine Son Jesus.

But if you strongly desire to be reunited with your child and your family, then strive to do your part well … having faith and trust in God’s Infinite Love … and ask God in Jesus’ Name to grant your request … and … who knows? God may well be “touched” by your love and prayers … and God may well say YES. But whatever God’s answer is to your request, God will ALWAYS have your best interests at heart. Of course we don’t always see that.

You mention four specific miracles. See how God is allowing or causing some good things to happen to you. You have some difficult and long work ahead of you. One doesn’t burn down a twelve story building and expect in two weeks to rebuild it with a hammer and sixteen nails. And you mustn’t expect to do all this by yourself alone. You need Jesus Christ as your #1 man. Other humans must help you as well. You should keep close to the Church, to Holy Mass and Holy Communion, and to the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession). Regarding forgiveness and reconciliation … when your repentance is sincere God ALWAYS forgives you and is reunited with you. Not necessarily so with your wife. She could still love you and even care in some ways when you’re in trouble. But that doesn’t mean she indicates reuniting. God’s easy to patch up with. Human beings are different.

You asked for some spiritual tips that might help you along your way. Here are a few.
**1 **-- Pray every single day. Not long prayers that become difficult. Pray in your heart with attention. Tell God you are sorry for your sins and are resolved not to repeat them
**2 **-- No booze. And no women. None. Nothing. Not at all. You … over time … have to prove to your former wife (assuming that’s what you want) that SHE’S the one and the only one. You mess around with another woman or women … and your chances of reuniting with your former wife in a lasting relationship go right down the tubes. It’s up to you.
**3 **-- Each day shortly pray to Mary Mother of God … who is your appointed spiritual mother. Ask all the saints and angels to surround you with their protection and to help you every step of this journey you have resolved on.

Frank, I also will pray for you and your faith and trust and strength and perseverance.
God Bless you, Frank, and your former wife and your child – and your dad.
John (JohnJFarren)

thank you so much…

Frank I’ll keep you in my prayers too. Bless you for the survival of your spirit, even if bruised, despite all you’re been through. God bless you for the gratitude and goodwill of your heart.

God’s kindest blessings to you.
Warm regards, Trishie