A tough one (not about me for a change)

[montanaman]

I know this girl (seriously, it’s not about me) who is Catholic, practicing, and apparently orthodox in every way. I’ll call her…hmm…“Hope.” For about a year or so, she was dating a fundamentalist with issues. He did all the usual fundamentalist things–ignored her explanations of Catholic doctrine, was condescending, etc.–and eventually they broke up, but tried to remain friends despite his psychotic, hypocritical behavior.

During the last New Year’s Eve, Hope had a party at her house with her friends. The fundamentalist showed up and was a jerk, but at least a tolerable jerk, apparently. He didn’t approve of the girls’ dancing, and later said it “drove him to lust” or something along those lines. Hope did get drunk that night, but it was after she thought he had left. The party went on, and the next morning she woke up next to–the fundamentalist.

They were clothed or mostly clothed, and she didn’t remember a thing. She pressed him to tell her what happened, but he wouldn’t give details, only mubling things like “Chastity is the job of the woman” and “You drove me to lust.”

It took about a week for her to get it out of him that they’d had sex, and he said “I think the condom broke a little bit.” (She must have “driven him to lust” before he even got there, then, because the condoms were his, not hers).

Fast forward about a month and a half, and she found out she was pregnant. She has no intention of getting an abortion.

The fundie doesn’t know, and she doesn’t want him to know. He made her life hell before.

Now, the issue: She’s met a potentially great guy in RCIA, and while she has no idea if it’s going anywhere, she knows there are all kinds of questions in this scenario. Among the biggest are:

“Is it wrong of me to consider relationships while I’m pregnant in this situation?”

“By keeping the child (as opposed to adoption) I might drive away otherwise eligible men. Am I being selfish by keeping the baby and potentially depriving him/her of a father?”

“Is it more selfish to let the baby go to a good home ‘just’ so I can potentially be with a good man?”

These are her questions to the best of my understanding. She’s only a couple of months along now, and her family doesn’t even know yet. Undoubtedly she’ll have more, and more complicated, questions as time goes on.

So, thoughts?

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

Whoa!!

She’s going to have to tell him in order to get permission for putting the baby up for adoption. If he wasn’t drunk and she was incapacitated, he raped her. What a horrible nightmare.

I hope she decides to put the baby up. Every baby should have a two parent home. Adoption is a very unselfish choice!!!

So many young women that I have known have been taken advantage of when drunk. It is never a good idea to get drunk.

She is going to need a lot of support.

 

[montanaman]

JMJ Theresa:

Whoa!!

She’s going to have to tell him in order to get permission for putting the baby up for adoption. If he wasn’t drunk and she was incapacitated, he raped her. What a horrible nightmare.

I hope she decides to put the baby up. Every baby should have a two parent home. Adoption is a very unselfish choice!!!

So many young women that I have known have been taken advantage of when drunk. It is never a good idea to get drunk.

She is going to need a lot of support.

Yes on all counts. She’s at least putting on a brave face, though. I think if I were a woman in that situation, I’d be a mess. She’s clearly not happy about it, but she still has a sense of humor and seems clear-headed, considering.

I told her she should have pressed charges on the _____, but like many women, she didn’t think it would change anything. I also suspect that she feels far more culpable than she’s letting on.

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

montanaman:

Yes on all counts. She’s at least putting on a brave face, though. I think if I were a woman in that situation, I’d be a mess. She’s clearly not happy about it, but she still has a sense of humor and seems clear-headed, considering.

I told her she should have pressed charges on the _____, but like many women, she didn’t think it would change anything. I also suspect that she feels far more culpable than she’s letting on.

What a cross for a young woman. I’m so sad. I regretfully agree that charges would come to naught. But, if he gives her a hard time on giving her permission to put the baby up for adoption, it might be good leverage. She should talk to a lawyer.

 

[Writer]

JMJ Theresa:

Whoa!!

She’s going to have to tell him in order to get permission for putting the baby up for adoption. If he wasn’t drunk and she was incapacitated, he raped her. What a horrible nightmare.

I hope she decides to put the baby up. Every baby should have a two parent home. Adoption is a very unselfish choice!!!

So many young women that I have known have been taken advantage of when drunk. It is never a good idea to get drunk.

She is going to need a lot of support.

I agree… I think we’re talking rape here, so, while maybe she was not perfect in the situation, the blame is on the father’s shoulders. If he had already gone home, how did he re-gain access to her home? This sounds like rape combined possibly with another crime–it is too bad she did not file charges.

As to the other aspects, I think she has to be honest with her potential boyfriend as to what happened.

 

[1ke]

montanaman:

Fast forward about a month and a half, and she found out she was pregnant. She has no intention of getting an abortion.

The fundie doesn’t know, and she doesn’t want him to know. He made her life hell before.

Now, the issue: She’s met a potentially great guy in RCIA, and while she has no idea if it’s going anywhere, she knows there are all kinds of questions in this scenario. Among the biggest are:

“Is it wrong of me to consider relationships while I’m pregnant in this situation?”

“By keeping the child (as opposed to adoption) I might drive away otherwise eligible men. Am I being selfish by keeping the baby and potentially depriving him/her of a father?”

“Is it more selfish to let the baby go to a good home ‘just’ so I can potentially be with a good man?”

These are her questions to the best of my understanding. She’s only a couple of months along now, and her family doesn’t even know yet. Undoubtedly she’ll have more, and more complicated, questions as time goes on.

So, thoughts?

She needs to see a priest, a crisis pregnancy counselor, and a lawyer-- in that order.

 

[ridesawhitehors]

montanaman:

“Is it wrong of me to consider relationships while I’m pregnant in this situation?”

Wrong? Maybe not wrong,… unwise, probably. Disordered thinking? Yeah. Get your life straightened out before you further complicate it by trying to create a relationship. Bigger life issues are on the table.

"By keeping the child (as opposed to adoption) I might drive away otherwise eligible men.

That is a selfish statement, made by a person not ready to be a mother. Time to prioritize. It’s not about YOU anymore.

Am I being selfish by keeping the baby and potentially depriving him/her of a father?"

That is a good question to meditate on. I would not discourage this person from adoption. She sounds like a good candidate if she is this emotionally insecure at this point in her life.

“Is it more selfish to let the baby go to a good home ‘just’ so I can potentially be with a good man?”

It may be - but the your selfishness won’t go away just because you decide to keep a baby. You can be self-less in one act, and at the same time retain your selfishness. Does that make sense? Have your cake and eat it too? If thats the way you look at it - yes, adopt the baby out.

These are her questions to the best of my understanding. She’s only a couple of months along now, and her family doesn’t even know yet. Undoubtedly she’ll have more, and more complicated, questions as time goes on.

So, thoughts?

 

[Orionthehunter]

montanaman:

Yes on all counts. She’s at least putting on a brave face, though. I think if I were a woman in that situation, I’d be a mess. She’s clearly not happy about it, but she still has a sense of humor and seems clear-headed, considering.

I told her she should have pressed charges on the _____, but like many women, she didn’t think it would change anything. I also suspect that she feels far more culpable than she’s letting on.

I agree w/ the advice for her to see a lawyer. Depending on the state, there are issues she needs to understand if her choice is adoption or keeping the child.

I don’t think we should express whether she feels culpable as it is irrelevant. She was drunk and blacked out. Any person who takes advantage of a person incapacitated has committed a crime. In this case, it is rape. I don’t care if she was dancing or dressing in appropriately (a different issue) but I go balistic when people try to turn the victim into the perpetrator or co-perpetrator.

Whether she should keep the child or put the child up for adoption is an issue that her and the Holy Spirit will best resolve. JMJ is right that adoption is a very unselfish choice. But so can choosing to raise this child.

Since none of us know her except the OP, our advice should center around the pros and cons as we believe them to be. She can sort thru them as she takes this entire situation to prayer. I know people who have chosen both options and some are happy with their decision and others are unhappy. In all cases, the happy people (regardless of whether they kept the child or chose adoption) are those who spent time in agonizing prayer. The unhappy people (regardless of the choice) made the decision based on factors and considerations devoid of (name removed by moderator)ut from the Holy Spirit. God is really good in these situations!!! Better than us mere mortals!!!

 

[montanaman]

Let me be clear–she’s about as normal as anyone I’ve ever met–almost totally selfless, so comments about her selfishness are off the mark.

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

montanaman:

Let me be clear–she’s about as normal as anyone I’ve ever met–almost totally selfless, so comments about her selfishness are off the mark.

Didn’t your op mention her worries about the most unselfish choice?

 

[Princess_Abby]

There is nothing selfish about raising a child one has created–especially created unwillingly, and nor is it selfish to give the gift of a child to a couple desperately seeking to be parents. Both decisions come with very serious ramifications and she needs to be prepared to grieve the loss she may feel either way. Loss of her dreams if she keeps the child, loss of her dreams if she gives away the child…

I don’t find anything selfish about desiring the vocation of marriage, either. It makes sense that any young girl might have the inclination to find a loving husband, and why would that desire go away just because she was raped and finds herself pregnant? I do think she’s wrong to believe that having a child would limit her ability to find love. She does not know nor can she predict the blessings God has in store for her, whether that be a husband and father for her child, or not.

Some of these questions come down to what is feasible and what isn’t, for her specifically. Can she afford, emotionally and financially and spiritually, to be a good mother to this baby? On the other side, can she afford, emotionally and spiritually, to offer the baby up for adoption? What does she feel is the best choice for the baby? (This question might take months for her to discern and answer.)

As for pursuing a relationship at this time, there isn’t anything wrong with doing so, but it presents another set of issues. However, I know my mother’s friend found herself single, pregnant and abandoned–only to meet a very compassionate man who married her, loved her and raised her child in a good home, as his own. That isn’t outside the realm of possiblity in this situation, so being open to finding out what God intends for her is of paramount importance.

She needs to see a priest, counselor and a lawyer.

 

[Krisy]

Wow! Your friend has a heavy burden and a lot of things to face. I really hope she has a solid support network and parents who will not condemn, as she is going to need much support going forward. When the shock of the pregnancy wears off, the reality of the rape will be a real emotional challenge to deal with. She will need guidance and support from her priest, family, and friends for a long time to come. It would probably be beneficial for her to find a good therapist as well. Please let her know that she has many prayers coming her way from those of us here.

Krisy

 

[montanaman]

Didn’t your op mention her worries about the most unselfish choice?

That’s the thing–she’s concerned that selfishness (among other things) might be clouding her thinking. She wants to do the best thing for the baby, but she’s also a human being–she has to consider if herself somewhat, too.

And at this point, she’s not exactly bogged down by the questions. They’re just early considerations, thoughs, musings.

 

[puzzleannie]

it’s called date rape, she should prosecute and get him to stand up like a man to his duty toward her and the child. nice excuse, but it’s still date rape, even when the girl sets herself up for it.

 

[montanaman]

puzzleannie:

it’s called date rape, she should prosecute and get him to stand up like a man to his duty toward her and the child. nice excuse, but it’s still date rape, even when the girl sets herself up for it.

Agreed, and I confess I’ve had other ideas about what to do with the guy.

 

[dulcissima]

How old is she? What does she do for a living? Does her family live nearby? Is the guy that she met interested in her? Does he know that she is expecting?

I do have a friend who was the child in a situation like this. His mother did end up marrying someone soon after he was born. They had three more sons and her husband has always been a great dad to all four sons. My friend definitely sees this man as his father. So, if she feels that keeping the child is the right choice, I wouldn’t say that the child would necessarily prevent her from finding a husband.

 

[Benedictus]

JMJ Theresa:

What a cross for a young woman. I’m so sad. I regretfully agree that charges would come to naught.

I disagree. I think charging this guy could result in a conviction. There are probably witnesses who could testify that she was drunk and he wasn’t.

In any case, she needs to contact a crisis pregnancy center. They should be able to set her up with a lawyer and help get charges filed against the rapist.

This guy needs a good swift kick in the groin, followed by some time in a PMITA prison.

 

[montanaman]

dulcissima:

How old is she? What does she do for a living? Does her family live nearby? Is the guy that she met interested in her? Does he know that she is expecting?

I do have a friend who was the child in a situation like this. His mother did end up marrying someone soon after he was born. They had three more sons and her husband has always been a great dad to all four sons. My friend definitely sees this man as his father. So, if she feels that keeping the child is the right choice, I wouldn’t say that the child would necessarily prevent her from finding a husband.

I’ll just say she’s a self-sufficient professional. Family lives several states away. The guy is her ex-boyfriend, and she’s keeping it from him until she knows what she’s going to do.

 

[Orionthehunter]

Benedictus:

I disagree. I think charging this guy could result in a conviction. There are probably witnesses who could testify that she was drunk and he wasn’t.

In any case, she needs to contact a crisis pregnancy center. They should be able to set her up with a lawyer and help get charges filed against the rapist.

This guy needs a good swift kick in the groin, followed by some time in a PMITA prison.

I agree w/ Benedictus. The world would be a better place if predators were removed from society the first time they predate and not after the victims are many. Don’t we all wish the predator priests has been pursued the first time?

 

[dulcissima]

I guess I didn’t make it clear. I meant the guy in the RCIA class that she seemed interested in. Is he interested in her and does he know that she is expecting?