Adopting Foster Children

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blackforest

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I’ve been seeing a resurgence of criticisms against pro-lifers for not adopting more “unwanted children.” It’s a flawed argument, and I don’t see it as a threat to my pro-life convictions. Nonetheless, I’ve been reading a website about foster children in my state needing permanent homes, (all states have such a website), and wondering if I should start praying about this possibility. These children’s rough upbringing have no doubt created some challenges for them, and those can translate to challenges for their adoptive parents. I hear so many horror stories about children in state custody and love the idea of giving them another chance.

I currently homeschool two grade-schoolers and a middle schooler. Some would call that a “full plate,” but when in life are we ever fully “ready?”

I’m interested in hearing especially from those of you who have been there, done that, and/or are currently doing that. 🙂 How does one know if adopting older foster children is the right vocation for them? What’s the best way to prepare, (e.g. household logistics, parenting classes, etc.)? What are the challenges and rewards that you’ve face?

Thanks and God bless!
 
Start with prayer and truly asking God to place a child in your lap if it is His desire for your family. Most states have prospective parent events that can help you receive real information outside of the horror stories most people will give you. There are many amazing children seeking homes. Not all foster children up for adoption are lost causes even though that is what I often here from the public. It always makes me frustrated that the most vocal with horror stories tend to be people who never had direct contact with children in the system, and instead are relating information told to them or stories of a friend or family member or neighbor had happen. My oldest six were adopted out of foster care but were a relative adoption. We had intended to adopt again but found out we were expecting and put it on hold. We are moving this summer and hoping to look into adopting again as soon as we get settled.

Even though I don’t like the bad wrap foster care adoption receives, it isn’t something I think everyone is called to do. All adoptions start with a loss. A huge, very significant loss. Even the newborn private adoptions are coming from a place of grieving. It’s not the ideal way to build a family, but for those of us called to it, it is a beautiful blessing.

Pray, go to some workshops or other events put on by various agencies (or your state), pray some more, research, pray more. If and when the time is right, God will let you know.
 
blackforest said:
I’ve been seeing a resurgence of criticisms against pro-lifers for not adopting more “unwanted children.”
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I agree it is a flawed argument. Not everyone is meant to adopt. It isn’t something many people should ever consider. Lots of people that WANT to adopt can’t for various reasons. However, many pro lifers kind of spur that argument by proclaiming “Adoption not Abortion” on signs and at rallies. Just as not all people are called to adopt, no child should be pulled from their parents until all resources are exhausted to help them stay together. Many women who contemplate abortion go on to parent their babies quite successfully. By the time baby is born, there is no way mom could imagine life without them. Adoption that is freely chosen has to be agreed upon by both mom and dad. Many women who would have agreed to adoption can not do so because dad would not sign, and mom knows that he would not be a good choice as a single parent for the baby. Adoption is far too complex to use it as a rally cry on either side of the abortion debate. The process and outcome is so different that they are not comparable.
 
13pollitos said:
All adoptions start with a loss. A huge, very significant loss. Even the newborn private adoptions are coming from a place of grieving. It’s not the ideal way to build a family, but for those of us called to it, it is a beautiful blessing.
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Wise words - thank you. I’ll investigate what information workshops are going on in my state.
13pollitos said:
If and when the time is right, God will let you know.
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It’s crazy, but as I grow older I realize that God’s calling is rarely the burning bush or Paul’s bolt of lightning. It very often comes just through the words, “Why don’t you” or "I wonder if I should . . . "
 
There are groups springing up around the Nation that work hand in hand with the State Foster Care to encourage churches to get involved with foster/adoption. I would bet there is a similar group near you, we have one that meets at our Parish and a number of families have begun to be part.

One friend of mine started simply as a respite care (when a foster family needs to go out of town and the child is not able to travel, even just for “date night”, etc.)

Find a local group and go to a meeting. Google will help you find your local group.

https://thecallinarkansas.org/

https://www.project127.com/
 
blackforest said:
I’ve been seeing a resurgence of criticisms against pro-lifers for not adopting more “unwanted children.” It’s a flawed argument, and I don’t see it as a threat to my pro-life convictions. Nonetheless, I’ve been reading a website about foster children in my state needing permanent homes, (all states have such a website), and wondering if I should start praying about this possibility.
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I completely agree it is a flawed argument. I laugh, a little, though, that they think it is such a great come-back. The waiting lists to adopt infants (of any ethnicity) are very long; there are far more couples waiting to adopt than there are babies available to adopt. If it weren’t so expensive ($30,000 to $40,000+), I would have adopted a few myself already.

Adoption from foster care, sadly, has the reverse problem. There are far more children waiting for a home than there are people willing and able to adopt them; so God bless you for considering it. ❤️ Most of the children in foster care waiting for a forever home (meaning those whose biological parents’ rights have been terminated) are teens and pre-teens; and sadly it is much harder to find a home for older children than for babies.

My husband and I have seriously looked into the possibility of adoption from foster care but just aren’t sure about it, for a number of reasons. We went to a seminar about it, but haven’t gotten any further in the process at this point. So I don’t have anything helpful to say, :smile:but I would also be interested in hearing from those who have done it.
 
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That’s what is challenging. Some kids have had abusive fathers, fear men, and state that they’d prefer to live with a single mom or lesbian couple. Others prefer to be the only child. I’ve heard that to avoid my biological children being sexually abused, we should adopt someone younger. But none of my kids are teenagers yet, and it’s the teens who need homes. Then I begin to feel a little intimidated and question whether or not I’m fit to raise children with special needs like autism or physical disabilities. But . . . special needs could have resulted from any of my pregnancies, and I would have risen up to the challenge.

I haven’t give up by a long shot and am just beginning the exploration process. (I still need to broach this with my better half - I’ll probably have to cook his favorite dinner first). But people don’t understand that this isn’t a just-do-it-lickety-split kind of process.

On the abortion front, I’ll never understand why the abortion rights people think they have such a winner with this argument. It’s hypocritical to demand that people adopt unwanted foster children when they themselves aren’t doing it. I suppose they could always respond, “Why should I have to adopt? I wanted the little darlings to get killed in utero, didn’t I?” But I’d hope nobody really thought that way . . .

Anyway, let’s both pray for each other as we face the discernment process. 🙂
 
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We adopted two children from the foster care system, by becoming foster-adopt parents. That means that children are placed with you who are pretty sure to become available for adoption. We attended a series of required classes for foster parents which were helpful.

Our daughter was 10 months and our son 28 months. He was considered an “older child”, and had been through 4 placements before coming to us, so he suffered (and still does) from attachment disorder. It’s very hard for him to form attachments, even in adulthood.

Foster children do tend to have such problems, such as ADD, ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and others.
Adoption from foster care is not for the faint-hearted. For one, there may be a lot of uncertainty involved. The Dept is still working to reunify parents with their child if possible, and of course that may be the best outcome. We dealt with it by just praying for the best outcome for our children, whatever it might be. It took 2 or 3 years for us to actually adopt each of them.

We were actually asking for older children, but DSHS was desperate – I was 52 when our daughter was placed with us. They gave us 3 days warning that we were getting a 10 month old. We had to rush around and borrow a crib.
It is hard work, but worth it. They are 22 and 25 now; not perfect people but then who of us are?
 
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If it’s any consolation, I hear that older mothers of an older age to begin parenting small children have a longer lifespan. 🙂 (Come to think of it, women probably live longer than men on average because we’re constantly motivated by sticking around to care for others!)

I’ve already had to read up on ADHD/ODD out of current necessity, :roll_eyes: and the interventions I’m trying seem to be effective. Maybe I’m more cut out for this than I thought! My oldest child is 12, so it may help me to get more experience with the turbulent teen years first. True to your story, I’ve heard that these last-minute adoptions are not out of the ordinary. Did you find any parenting classes, books, or approaches helpful?
 
@blackforest
I am going to include your discernment of adopting from foster care in my prayers tonight. You sound like you have a very big heart, regardless of whether you proceed with adoption.
 
Dacinom said:
Bringing in an older sibling does have it’s concerns,
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Some states do not allow for adoptions of children that are older than your biological children. Adoptions are also very individual so what would be allowed in some instances will not be allowed for other children/families. Some kids NEED to be only children or NEED a single parent while others do well in sibling groups or as a middle child versus a youngest or only child. Remember that adopted children are just like bio kids. They are individuals with individual needs that respond in individual ways. They are yours for better or worse. Please don’t adopt unless the entire family is in board and agrees that a sibling/child is yours til death do you part. I have seen too many “rehomings,” “second chance adoptions” and “returns” over the years. If you don’t understand what I mean you can google adoption rehoming. Children are not pets! Please remember that.

When my six oldest kids came to live with us, the hardest part was going from a family of 2 to a family of 8 overnight. The kids were traumatized and malnourished. The life they had with their bio parents was full of mental illness so they had to learn what normal was. The older kids surprisingly transitioned much better than the younger kids. Maybe because they had interaction with us before their mom got so bad off that she withdrew from family. Maybe because they somewhat understood that life was finally safe. Maybe because they knew how bad things had become. I really don’t know. The middle kids often mimicked their parents behavior and the younger kids would withdraw. I only say this because it’s often believed that younger children and especially babies come to you without the problems older kids do. Even babies under the age of 6 months often have problems adjusting and bonding while older kids and teens sometimes blend relatively easily.

Just as some parents find it easier to relate to one of their bio kids than it is another one, it can work that way with adopted or foster kids. I guess it’s just people in general. The world would be full of friends if we all got along easily. That doesn’t mean that you love one more than another and it isn’t reason to believe that a family won’t work out. My oldest daughter and I had trouble relating to each other for several years. Now we are super close and talk daily even though she spends most of her time living abroad. Seeing how wonderfully she has grown makes the difficult years so worth it! My husband and youngest son have a similar story, but he still has a few years at least left living at home.
 
My bio kids are many years younger than my adopted kids. To be fully honest I feel some differences with them. I did not expect some of those feelings when the older baby was born and those feelings were very difficult to process and accept. I would spend days crying thinking I was a monster for feeling the normal maternal things and of course hormones that go with all that. The guilt and shame killed me inside! Since you are already a mom this may be different for you, but just know that it is 100% normal to feel differently as an adoptive mom than you do as a bio mom. Feelings aren’t what’s important. Actions are what counts. And now that I’ve moved past the hormones and my bio kids are around the ages my younger adopted kids came to me the feelings are not nearly as different after all.

It’s not all roses for sure. We’ve had many years of hard work, prayer, and tears. I asked my husband many times over the years if he would walk this path with me again if given the opportunity. Some years we both answered no. Some years one of us said no. For the last several years it has been a very joyful yes from us both. Life is worth the pain if we choose to search for the hidden joy.
 
13pollitos said:
If you don’t understand what I mean you can google adoption rehoming. Children are not pets! Please remember that.
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Rest assured, I used to volunteer at the animal shelter and can’t even support that treatment of pets, let alone human children! :cry: Every. Possible. Effort. Needs to be made to ensure a permanency through thick and thin. It is indeed like a marriage that way.

I’m sure you have days of agony and even regret followed by days of joy. The bottom line is that you gave those children so, so much more than they would have had without you. :hugs: God bless you for it! As ministries go, this can be a hard one.
 
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There’s a helpful book called Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, by Claudia Jarrett. The foster parent classes were also helpful.

I would not recommend adopting or fostering children who are older than your bio kids. There are too many unknowns and possible dangers.

Dr. Ray Guarendi adopted 10 kids, you probably know. And I think most went very well, though I believe one of his had to live in an institution. But he still belonged to their family, which is important.
 
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Viki63 said:
And I think most went very well, though I believe one of his had to live in an institution. But he still belonged to their family, which is important.
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When I spoke of “rehoming” this is not what I was talking about. Sometimes life dictates that more care than any parents/siblings/family can ever give is necessary. That doesn’t mean that you turn your back and walk away, it means you make hard choices in order to find the place your loved you needs to be. It isn’t just in adoptions that this can happen. Biological families and sometimes spouses have such situations as well. Thank you for highlighting that, and emphasizing that they are still family.
 
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