Advice on a Work Situation

[psychologist101]

I have a problem in my Doctoral Pshychology program. Usually, on Fridays, many of the grad students go to a local bar that night. Last Sunday, my freind (a Sociology Student) and I went to the gym like we normally do in the afternoon. She told me that the past Friday she overheard a group of Psychology grads discussing me, and making comments about my body and looks, and certain things they would like to do with me. It was rather disgusting and degrading. She suggested I file a sexual harassment report, but I asked my husband about it, and he said that it would not work because the guys were not at, coming from, or doing anything related to work (school).

This past week, every time I see those specific guys, I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy. They don’t do anything to harass me, or make any comments whatsoever, but just knowing what they had said about me does make me feel very uneasy. I honestly don’t know what I should do.

Can people really talk that way about a co-worker (student) outside the workplace without any consequences? I just wish I didn’t know what they said, otherwise things would be fine. Now I don’t like walking in the halls because I might see them and feel so skiddish.

 

[Tedster]

That is extremely unfortunate. I think your husband is right though. It would be hard to prove, since you are not the one who overheard the comments. Even if you did, it would be their word against yours.

If you do not feel threatened physically by them, I think I would simply pray for their conversion. Pray that they may see women for what they ttruely are. Offer up your uneasiness for the sins against chastity.

If you do feel threatened, a report to the school administration by your husband might go a long way in making these guys aware that you know.

 

[Island_Oak]

psychologist101:

…Can people really talk that way about a co-worker (student) outside the workplace without any consequences? I just wish I didn’t know what they said, otherwise things would be fine. Now I don’t like walking in the halls because I might see them and feel so skiddish.

It’s called gossip and has been around as long as man has had spoken language. Now that that “cat is out of the bag” and you know what these guys are really thinking and that they are willing to verbalized observations about a married colleague that you find degrading and offensive, perhaps you would be best served to find a new group to hang out/study/relax with. As for “consequences,” don’t go down that road unless you want to end your career before it even starts. It won’t be the first or last time you encounter this in the professional or academic world. You’re better off to start growing a thick hide and choose your friends wisely.

 

[Friar_David_O.Carm]

As you are a student and so are these guys, I would look into what guidelines your school has.

As for it not being a work place. That really doesn’t matter. Actions out side of the work place can be used by a company to reprimand and/or fire someone.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

As far as being threatened by it, I would certainly keep out of potentially private moments with those guys but other than that, I hate to say it but there are lots of guys who talk like that on a routine basis, so I don’t expect it means anything significant.

Alan

 

[JCPhoenix]

Very much take my advice with a grain of salt.

I would suggest confronting these guys on their behavior, if you can.

Say, for example, one of them makes a comment about something you said in class.

Challenge their opinion, no matter what it is. “Oh? I heard that you said X.”

It’s not about making sense, it’s about being confrontational and letting them know that their "opinions’ are inappropriate and degrading and that you do not appreciate them.

Maybe I’m not a person to give advice as I’m not one that guys would comment about in that manner, but I was in the past. I just wish I had the guts then to tell them where they could put ther ****. (stars are mine).

We women really need to learn to stand up for ourselves.

I actually had a boyfriend once tell a female friend of mine that he didn’t want to break up with me because he thought I’d have a difficult time finding someone else.

I confronted him on that although it was very difficult because it’s the most hurtful thing I’ve ever heard about myself. But stuff like that can’t be allowed to pass.

Tell these guys where to go! Stand UP!

 

[Viki59]

psychologist101:

I She told me that the past Friday she overheard a group of Psychology grads discussing me, and making comments . . . It was rather disgusting and degrading.

No one has mentioned this, so I hesitate to bring it up, maybe I’m way out in left field. But what’s with your friend?
Why didn’t she confront them on the spot? “Are you talking about my friend Mary? Because she wouldn’t appreciate your attitude, and I don’t either.”
Instead, she runs to tell you, make you feel bad, and puts you on the spot. Doesn’t sound like a very good friend to me.
Miss Manners would say, never repeat negative comments you hear about anyone. I think that’s excellent advice.
Meanwhile, in this situation, I always think it’s good to have things out in the open. You might want to make some comment that lets them know that you know what was said. . . if it was said. People have been known to misunderstand overheard comments.
God bless.

 

[levi86]

AlanFromWichita:

As far as being threatened by it, I would certainly keep out of potentially private moments with those guys but other than that, I hate to say it but there are lots of guys who talk like that on a routine basis, so I don’t expect it means anything significant.

Alan

I’d have to agree with that, it does sound terrible but “boys will be boys”. The fact is that all young men will think these things; the only problem is that your friend actually heard them vocalize these thoughts. I would say their banter is completely harmless.

If your friend is studying Soc. (as I am) she should know that this behavior is no more than a product of society, and a form male bonding. I wouldn’t think anything of it.

God bless
Levi