Am I out of line?

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gmarie21

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Two days ago my dad asked if he could come (on a plane b/c he lives in MD, I’m in IL) and pick up my daughter (2 yo) for the weekend and bring her back to MD. I said no, she’s just too young and not ready. He was very upset. We haven’t seen him since September when he was in town last and at Christmas we did not go out there b/c I did not want the stress and her dad wanted her (we’re not married and I have her most of the time, so when he’s off of work, he has her). I have no nice way of telling him that I just don’t trust him with her due to past examples. My mom (his ex-wife) thinks I’m wrong, my older brother thinks I’m wrong. I am the parent and yet by my parents and older brother I am made to feel guilty from denying my dad from taking my daughter on a plane ride without me, back to MD. Am I just being crazy or is the rest of my family right?
 
gmarie21 said:
Two days ago my dad asked if he could come (on a plane b/c he lives in MD, I’m in IL) and pick up my daughter (2 yo) for the weekend and bring her back to MD. I said no, she’s just too young and not ready. He was very upset. We haven’t seen him since September when he was in town last and at Christmas we did not go out there b/c I did not want the stress and her dad wanted her (we’re not married and I have her most of the time, so when he’s off of work, he has her). I have no nice way of telling him that I just don’t trust him with her due to past examples. My mom (his ex-wife) thinks I’m wrong, my older brother thinks I’m wrong. I am the parent and yet by my parents and older brother I am made to feel guilty from denying my dad from taking my daughter on a plane ride without me, back to MD. Am I just being crazy or is the rest of my family right?
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I believe you are right and that you handled it properly. At two years old a child should not be away from her parents at all. Divorce is bad enough because the two of you are not in the same house; but, at least you both spend quantitative time with her the way it is now. As to the other issue: forget about proof. If, as the parent, you have even an inkling, then you are bound be God to take no chances with the life given over into your care. I think your family is acting selfishly and that you need to be strong for the sake of your daughter.
 
you are the parent, you know what is best for your child. if the rest of your family criticizes you for a legitimate decision made in her best interests, because of their personal feeligns, they are being childish, petty and are way out of line. politely stick to your guns, do not get into an argument, simply state your decision, repeatedly if necessary and never give in when you are in the right. Never complain, never explain (Hank Ford 2)

Dad, mom, I don’t feel, and Susie’s father agrees, that this is a good idea right now. We will be glad to see you the next time you visit. click. hang up the phone.
 
Even if my family lived next door to me, I wouldn’t have sent my son spend a weekend with them when he was only two. Young children need to be with their parents. My son is now three, and I still wouldn’t let him spend the night at someone else’s house.

That being said, if you want to please your dad and do what you know is right, have your dad spend the weekend with you at your home, or fly to his home with your daughter.

Incidentally, I’ve received a lot of comments from family about not doing the right thing. My son still nurses, almost exclusively before bed, and we still co-sleep. Talk about “doing the wrong thing”!!! I just calmly and persistently tell them I disagree with their opinions and will continue to do what I know is right.

It can be hard making the transition from daughter to mom, especially if you have any residual guilt, shame, or doubts about living separately from your daughter’s father. But you are the mom now, and your daughter needs you to be the adult you are. Put the love of your precious little one ahead of anyone’s opinion of you.

Gert
 
You are right. Your dad is loopy. A two year old would freak out. NO WAY!
 
So much depends on your child how you have worked visits up until now. My son was spending the night with grandparents very young, but, that was what worked for us.
 
You are right… stick to your guns. And not because I think a 2 year old couldn’t go on a plane with her grandpa… but because you are uncomfortable with that & don’t want her to. She’s YOUR child… you get to decide. End of story. 👍
 
I think it’s more then a little odd that he wants to fly out there, take her with him for two days, fly her back out, then fly back himself to MD. That is a lot of expense and a lot of hassle for merely one weekend? If he really wanted to just see her, wouldn’t he just fly out and…see her? I’m not trying to imply anything, but I’d be wondering why he was so intent on taking my baby out of my supervision when the cost (time and financial, plus her comfortability and yours) is so inconvenient. I say, good job, let them say whatever they want–keep that baby close to you.
 
Princess_Abby said:
I think it’s more then a little odd that he wants to fly out there, take her with him for two days, fly her back out, then fly back himself to MD. That is a lot of expense and a lot of hassle for merely one weekend? If he really wanted to just see her, wouldn’t he just fly out and…see her? I’m not trying to imply anything, but I’d be wondering why he was so intent on taking my baby out of my supervision when the cost (time and financial, plus her comfortability and yours) is so inconvenient. I say, good job, let them say whatever they want–keep that baby close to you.
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Money isn’t an issue for my dad. He has two high government jobs (one govt, one military) and makes six figures with each. My stepmom also has a six figure government job and a high five figure militar job. To him, a plane trip is nothing. My younger brother is at the Naval Academy so my dad is saving money by not paying tuition. I don’t think his intentions are less than honorable, I think he just wants to spend time with her in the comforts of his home without me, the “overprotective”:rolleyes: mother.daughter.
 
The thing you said that caught my attention is that you don’t trust your Dad because of previous examples. Here’s my thoughts as a grandfather:
  1. Age is no barrier to travel. I have travelled extensively with my kids and infant grandkids so don’t let your heart be troubled. As long as they are with someone know, love and trust it isn’t a problem.
  2. Two (2) is too darn young to be away from Mom and Dad for very long unless they are with someone they know and trust. My wife and I have taken care of our grandkids for one or two weeks (when some of the kids were babies) so they parents could get a well deserved break. The difference might be that we are regularly in their lives. They know us, know our home etc. Even so…after a few days they pine for mom and and dad so we schedule daily calls to help the kids cope
You are the custodial parent. If you’re going to error you should always do so on the side of caution. It seems to me that you are making the right decision. If dad is so upset, maybe he could spend his visit in town?

Iowa Mike
 
gmarie,

there is no way in heck I’d have let either of my parents or anyone else for that matter do what your father suggested. Especially with a 2 year old??? Actually, I think it’s a little…strange… that he would ask and leave you, the mother, out of the equation entirely. :confused:
I don’t think his intentions are less than honorable, I think he just wants to spend time with her in the comforts of his home without me, the “overprotective” mother.daughter.
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Your father needs to respect you as the mother, and the role that you play in your baby’s life, which is an important one indeed. Stick to your guns, you are 100% within your parental boundaries.
 
Gertabelle said:
Incidentally, I’ve received a lot of comments from family about not doing the right thing. My son still nurses, almost exclusively before bed, and we still co-sleep. Talk about “doing the wrong thing”!!! I just calmly and persistently tell them I disagree with their opinions and will continue to do what I know is right.
Gert
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Amen!👍 Both of my daughters nursed until they weaned themselves, both around 4 years old! They also slept in the “family bed” until they decided they were ready to go to thier own beds for the night (which were already in place and highly encouraged to go to , but never forced). She hardly even had to wake up to nurse them; she basically just "rolled over’! Once they did, if they wanted to come in in the middle of the night they were welcome. Neither of them has ever been afraid, but we got alot of flack, too!🙂
 
I would have said no too. And then I would have told anybody who didn’t like it to mind their own business.
 
Grab some…ovaries…and have confidence in the decision you made for your child! Nothing any of us say or your extended family’s opinions matter a bit when it comes to decisions concerning your child’s welfare. You know her needs and capabilities better than anyone, and this isn’t even a close call given how young she is.

If you get ANY grief from your dad, know first that he is out of line. You don’t need to explain any doubts or reservations you have to him–but simply, sincerely and unemotionally tell him you know he is disappointed that “Susie” won’t be making the trip, but that she would love to have him come and visit her anytime.
 
If your dad has so much expendable income to just throw away, tell him that you’d be glad to make a trip to MD with your child for a few days if he will pay all expenses plus time lost for work.
 
I think you were correct. You know your child and you’re dad. If you are not comfortable with it you are the parent you get to make the decisions.

As far as young children being away from mom and dad over night it really depends on the child. My parents took our daughter when she was three for a ten day road trip and she was completely fine. We really missed her but she had a blast. But my daughter spends alot of time with my parents and she’s comfortable with that. If you’re dad hardly ever see’s her I think that would frightening for a child.
 
I said before that the two year old would freak out, and I also do want to add (I was short on time before!) that it is a weird request and I think it is suspicious that he asked and then reacted so strongly to your saying no. Clearly NO was the right answer!
 
My husband’s parents put him on a plane **by himself **when he was 18 months old for an hour-long flight to his grandparents. Apparently this was common practice for them.

I could not imagine doing that with a child. Stick to your guns. As the parent you have the final say.
 
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