Approach to seek reimbursement from FIL for funeral expenses

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catholic47

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At the request of my Filipina wife, we invited her parents to come live with us rent free in CA from NV in October 2017. It was supposed to be a temporary arrangement until they got their own place in CA. In early January 2018, my MIL died. A decision was reached with my FIL at the local Catholic cemetery to purchase a discounted double wide niche in the Mausoleum for $8,052. FIL did not have access to the cash at the time but was expected to have the cash as he was set to inherit a $35K IRA and $10K life insurance policy from the MIL. In addition, my FIL was earning $2,000 each month and saving most of that money due to living rent free with us.

To temporarily help with the situation, I paid the $8,052 burial expenses out of my separate funds with the understanding that I would be paid back in a timely manner when my FIL had access to more money. Almost immediately, my FIL paid me back half the money ($4,026). Then, my FIL told my wife that he would not pay me back the remaining $4,026 “until he died” or “maybe in a year” (from January 2018). Please note that FIL does have a $10K life insurance policy where my wife is named as sole beneficiary.

It has been over 20 months now and I have not been paid back. Unless I bring the issue up, I do not think I will be paid back. In the meantime, my 83-year old FIL has bought a new car and been able save a decent amount of money by now living with my wife’s sister. In other words, my FIL does have the financial means to pay me back but chooses not to. I find this decision to be very disappointing to say the least and feel that my charitable action has led to the “no good deed goes unpunished” scenario. And it should be noted that my MIL and FIL had purchased their own plots in the Philippines that they sold to other family members. I mention this because the FIL did not expect someone else to shoulder the cost of his plot while he was still living, but seems to have changed his tune.

I am contemplating on writing him a friendly letter to inquire about being paid back. Before I do, I would appreciate other viewpoints on this matter besides “it is an act of corporate mercy to expect not to be paid back.” Thanks!
 
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Is this a hill on which you are willing to perish? Are you willing to damage the relationship with your father over $4k that you will receive back when he dies?

With family, consider monies a gift and not a loan was the best advice I was ever given.
 
We have a hard rule in our family that we don’t lend money. If someone needs something, and we can spare the money, we give it as a gift, not expecting it to be returned. We have banks for loans. However, since you are already in the situation and I assume you need the money back, I would just explain that to your FIL. You weren’t expecting to loan the money for this long and you really need it back now.
 
catholic47 said:
I am contemplating on writing him a friendly letter to inquire about being paid back. Before I do, I would appreciate other viewpoints on this matter besides “it is an act of corporate mercy to expect not to be paid back.” Thanks!
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How does your wife feel about that? After all, this is her father.
 
PS- I wouldn’t make a list of the reasons you feel he can afford to pay you back. I’d just stick to the reasons you can’t afford for him not to pay you back.
 
Do you need the money back, in order to be in a position to pay for your own mother (and, possibly, stepfather) funerals? Yes, I checked your other thread.

If at all possible, I’d consider this a gift, well, not turning down what’s offered to you, but considering the money as gone, for now? It will be a lot better on you, and your wife.

BTW, have you talked all this over with your wife? Maybe she will allow you the money she gets from her dad’s insurance to pay, as much as possible, all of these bills.
 
Thank Allegra. I had the same hard rule before this situation arose. Unfortunately, I was placed in a tough position because my FIL did not have immediate access to cash to pay for the niches in the cemetery. Fortunately, I did have the cash, so I paid the cemetery and even received an additional $1000 discount for doing so. Thank you for your comment.
 
Can’t you put this in as a debt to his estate when he dies? He is 83, he probably doesn’t have that much longer to live.

I would think that the estate would pay you back for any sort of documented, death-related expense; in my experience, they will pay those debts first before anything else.
 
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Why should this be considered a hill in which I would perish? I have done nothing wrong. Why put the onus on me for damaging the relationship for being charitable and fronting the money upfront in a time of need with an understanding that I would be paid back? Shouldn’t the question be asked of my FIL? Why would he be willing to damage the relationship over $4K when it was understood by all parties that he would pay me back once he had the cash and clearly has the financial means to do so? It was never considered a gift at all, which is why he paid me back half of the amount owed.
Also, I am not sure why someone (me in this case) is considered “damaging the relationship" for helping someone else out and expecting the other person to live up to their obligation - family or otherwise. Should there really be a “lower standard” for families not to live up to their commitments? If writing to him a friendly non-confrontational letter “damages the relationship”, then I would argue that he simply does not want to pay at any time. Keep in mind, it has been over 20 months, so it is not like I have acted in haste.
 
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Why are you asking for our thoughts? If it is really bothering you that this man has not paid you back the money he owes, you need to sit down and take that up with him, not ask a bunch of strangers, many of whom have never had this problem.

I personally would never lend money to a family member (or anyone else). I have given people money, if they wish to pay it back fine, if they do not pay it back also fine as I didn’t expect it. If I can’t afford to/ don’t want to give it as a gift, I don’t give it to them.
 
Didn’t you also just start the thread about not paying for stepdad’s funeral?

It seems you have a lot of odd financial stuff going on in your family. Why are all these people just expecting you to be the bank? Are you very well off?

I see dochawk suggested you get some competent legal advice.
I second that, since you seem to have issues with more than one relative here.
 
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People are not perfect, family gets messy especially when money is involved. Obviously, there is something sticky or you’d have already been paid back.

What does your wife think? One of my dearest friends is a Filipina and knowing the culture of her family, it would be considered rude to send any sort of delinquency notice to one’s father or father in law. You know your wife better than any of us. Will this cause a rupture? I would advise you to listen to her.
 
That is why I plan on writing him a letter to address the matter, but I always think it is important to solicit different points of views on any matter to help my discernment process or incorporate better ideas that someone else may offer irrespective if they are complete strangers or not.

Speaking of which, why are you on the message boards responding to my posts if it bothers you to respond ("why are you asking for our thoughts?) Message boards are for people that ask for people’s thoughts, which also means that most of the respondents are going to be complete strangers.

I have a rule about not lending money to a family member to, until I was essentially “forced” into it to pay for the funeral expenses (with the understanding of being reimbursed) of my MIL, which I could not say no. Also, I do not believe in the philosophy that family members should be held to a lower standard of living up to their obligations.
 
Legend said:
Do you need the money back, in order to be in a position to pay for your own mother (and, possibly, stepfather) funerals? Yes, I checked your other thread.

If at all possible, I’d consider this a gift, well, not turning down what’s offered to you, but considering the money as gone, for now? It will be a lot better on you, and your wife.

BTW, have you talked all this over with your wife? Maybe she will allow you the money she gets from her dad’s insurance to pay, as much as possible, all of these bills.
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Thank you Legend for checking the other thread.

And yes, this money would probably be used to assist with mom’s and stepdad’s funeral costs as well. Even if this were not the case, I am disappointed by my FIL not living up to his obligation while going out and buying a new car. I am more annoyed that I seem to be in the minority where I think other people (including family members) should live up to their obligations instead of having their actions explained away with “well they are family, so let it go.” Personally, I would feel embarrassment and make it a point to pay someone back for my niche (think about that for a minute - his own niche) when it was understood that he would. If I were the FIL, I would not want to strain the relationship with my son-in-law and his daughter by not paying the money back. I am surprised this perspective seems lost on him (and possibly some posters on this forum) to the point that I need to write him what essentially amounts to a collection letter.

That being said, I have already assumed that I will not see the money but I do feel compelled to at least remind him that the money is still owed. At the very least, it will serve as a paper trail so if he has money left in his estate when he dies, there is no problems with my wife’s sister who may say fight the notion that I am owed $4K. This potential conflict can be alleviated if he just pays back the money that he promised to pay.

My wife will pay me back IF she inherits money from his estate. This will not be an issue. My wife is non-confrontational by nature and perhaps by culture, so does not want to deal with the issue at all.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
Didn’t you also just start the thread about not paying for stepdad’s funeral?

It seems you have a lot of odd financial stuff going on in your family. Why are all these people just expecting you to be the bank? Are you very well off?

I see dochawk suggested you get some competent legal advice.
I second that, since you seem to have issues with more than one relative here.
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Yes Bearself. You are comments are right on the money. And yes, it would appear that my family expect for me to be a bank and that no good deed goes unpunished. I am middle class and both my wife and I work full time jobs. We do pretty well, but we are not rich.
 
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TheLittleLady said:
People are not perfect, family gets messy especially when money is involved. Obviously, there is something sticky or you’d have already been paid back.

What does your wife think? One of my dearest friends is a Filipina and knowing the culture of her family, it would be considered rude to send any sort of delinquency notice to one’s father or father in law. You know your wife better than any of us. Will this cause a rupture? I would advise you to listen to her.
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My wife is non-confrontational and does not want to deal with the issue. And yes, it may be considered rude to request the money back from my FIL perspective. You are probably right on that. However, it is rude from my perspective to not pay me back money owed in a timely manner on his own funeral niche to boot and then turn around and buy a car with no thought in the world after I stepped up in a time of need. Furthermore, he was willing to buy a plot in the Philippines (that he sold), so clearly he should not have the expectation that I should pay for his niche either. Hopefully, he does the right thing after receiving my letter but I am not holding my breath.
 
Glennon_P said:
Is there something cultural going on here?
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I was wondering the same thing. He paid me back for my MIL niche right away with no hesitation. I am wondering if there is some superstition that if he makes a payment for his own niche that somehow he is going to die quicker? But then he and my MIL had previously bought their plots in advance, so that would rule the possibility out? This is the only cultural angle that I can think of.
 
Is there something about a child (your wife) burying her father? Or perhaps he knows there is the life insurance policy and he figures that will cover it?
 
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