At my wits end with my abusive parents

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Totustuus1213

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I’m not quite sure where to start here. I suppose I will just give a quick background. My parents have been emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually abusive all of my life. But, after I got married to my husband, my parent’s abuse skyrocketed. After one big session of verbally attacking me, it left me so shattered as a person that my husband and I decided to move far far away. I kept in contact the first year and a half through emails, but even that was heartbreaking since my mom, in particular, made her disdain for me (and my husband) known every time she would send me an e-mail. I decided that it was not prudent for me or my mental health to stay in contact with my mom and reduced contact to only my dad. But, it became clear after a year that he and my mom were both spreading horrendous gossip about my husband. They would make relatives and friends believe that my husband turned me against them and that he was a bad person in general. So, I decided to go no contact because every bit of information about our life is always used against us. The most recent news has been even worse. Apparently, my parents have made my relatives believe that I was murdered. 🤬 While I didn’t hear that they think my husband would do such a thing, their disdain for him in the past leads me to believe they think he is a murderer. Why else would I as a married woman be dead? Right now I am expecting to be contacted by one toxic relative who also hates my husband because my parents have slandered him to them. So, I just really do not know how I could handle this situation charitably and prudently. Everything I say is used against me and my silence is turned into a tool to strike fear in all my relatives. I have no idea what to do. (and just to be clear, my husbands is the sweetest living person on earth and wouldn’t hurt a fly. He says several rosaries a day and goes to mass with me every week. My parents, on the other hand, are Catholic though not so pious. They even once manipulated the parish priest into thinking we hate them which is totally false. We are being abused by them.) Does anyone have some prudent advice on this situation? I have absolutely no idea where to turn.
 
I would stay in touch with your non-abusive relatives and pray for your parents. Have you told them how your behavior is making you feel and why you have cut them off? If so, then you are right to stay away from them. I had a similar problem with toxic parents and spent most of my life far away, but would write, send letters, and call occasionally. I had children they don’t really know as adults because I did not want them exposed to their toxic behavior. You cannot change them or control their behavior. You can only pray for them and do what’s best for your own family. It’s heartbreaking!
 
Hi ChrisZ,
Yes, I have told them numerous times. But, unfortunately as a child from an abusive home my boundaries were very poor for a while (until about almost a year ago when I just decided to stick with it). But, unfortunately they don’t really take my words seriously.
 
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Totustuus1213 said:
Does anyone have some prudent advice on this situation? I have absolutely no idea where to turn.
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I think you are right to go no-contact (and that includes the toxic relative you’re expecting to hear from). Sometimes that’s the only thing to do. But do stay in touch with your non-abusive relatives.
And make sure they know the truth. You don’t have to be uncharitable to do that. If you hear another bizarre story, like your “death,” I’d suggest literally laughing at it. If someone else brings it up, just say you can’t imaging how a bizarre story like that got started.
 
I actually have one family of relatives that have been like angels to me. They are very supportive and trust me 100%. I feel very blessed in that regard because we were not too close before the craziness started. I guess its a testament to the fact that God makes beautiful things out of the ashes.
 
Totustuus1213 said:
I actually have one family of relatives that have been like angels to me. They are very supportive and trust me 100%. I feel very blessed in that regard because we were not too close before the craziness started. I guess its a testament to the fact that God makes beautiful things out of the ashes.
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That’s great! Keep in touch with them, and try not to worry about the others. Just pray for them. They’re are cutting themselves off from part of their family, and that’s very sad. But it’s their fault, not yours; don’t let anyone lay guilt on you for protecting yourself and your husband.
 
Their behaviour is simply hideous. I’m so sorry you and your husband have been subject to it.

You’re doing exactly the right thing in going no-contact. Don’t feel as if you have to speak to any family member who is toxic or accepting of their lies. Focus on those who know you and your husband better. The others just don’t deserve your headspace.
 
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Maybe a counselor of some kind could help you establish boundaries. Someone who specializes in this and can look at it with fresh eyes. It’s so hard to talk sense into people who have come to believe their own fish stories and are used to abusing and manipulating you. I hope the situation improves for you. ❤️
 
Well, why do you worry what these people think about you? Honestly, if your parents have so much delusion that they will tell people you were murdered, it does not seem healthy to stay in touch. Offer a private mass to be said for them, maybe annually on your birthday.

Don’t respond to these goads, live your life. Remember, to take care that your kids don’t get the idea that it is normal to cut off their parents, get some counseling to help with that.

If you do run into one of them, smile and say “rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated” or “I feel great for a zombie” and laugh.
 
TheLittleLady said:
If you do run into one of them, smile and say “rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated” or “I feel great for a zombie” and laugh.
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Exactly this. Nothing disarms abusers so fast as not being taken seriously.

It’s very hard. When you’re a kid your parents are practically omnipotent, and abusive parents tend to reinforce that. It’s hard to make the shift as an adult to seeing them as just people.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Remember, to take care that your kids don’t get the idea that it is normal to cut off their parents, get some counseling to help with that.
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We have not been blessed with kids yet, but when we do, I think grandparents are vital to a child’s upbringing and will certainly make sure they get to have a good relationship with my husband’s parents.
 
And also to add, making the decision to end contact with my parents was an agonizing one. I am pretty sure I am trauma bonded and I was also brainwashed to believe a lot of things were sins when they were not. So, it took me quite a while to reach the realization that my mental health and my marriage are my top priorities in life right now.
 
That’s much better than the mother’s day card I wrote. “Congratulations on not killing your kid for 18 years and not getting the authorities called on you. Please don’t call me.”
 
The only thing I would add is that if they are telling people you were murdered, check your credit score in case someone tries to mess with your credit.
 
TheLittleLady said:
If you do run into one of them, smile and say “rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated” or “I feel great for a zombie” and laugh.
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If the parents are spreading the “my daughter was murdered” line to non-family members or at their parish, go to the parish and introduce yourself to the pastor. That way the pastor will know you’re alive, and if he was told you were murdered he can either wake up after recovering from fainting due to another resurrection, or he can later ask the parents “why are you spreading lies your daughter was murdered - I was just talking to her” and thus put them on the spot.
 
Actually, check your credit score anyway. And consider freezing it. It’s extremely easy for parents to get into the credit of adult children as a way to keep an eye on them - or to take out credit in their name.
 
Okay, this goes over my head a bit. Parents cant take out credit??? Tell me more if you can please! This worries me because my parents have stolen money from me before.
 
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I need to know your date of birth and your SSN in order to get into your credit. Most parents know their kid’s SSN and DOB.
 
Generally to open a new account, you need the person’s full name, date of birth, and social security number. Many places will accept that as proof of identity. I know my last credit card I never spoke to anyone in person.

If you’re in the USA, you can check your credit online to make sure there are no accounts you didn’t open yourself. You can also do what’s called a credit freeze, which means you have to authorize someone with a pin or password to do anything.
 
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