Balancing time spent on relationships with adult siblings

[Allegra]

It seems to me that one issue new couples tend to overlook when discerning marriage is the amount of time spent with each spouse’s root family. Some probably discuss how they will handle holidays and things like that, but what about spending time outside of that? I ask because I have recently had discussions with a friend and a relative who both complain of their spouse spending too much time away from the family to hang out with siblings and it appears to be an issue in their marriages. How do you decide, as a couple, what is reasonable? I would hope that no one would expect their spouse to not spend any time with their siblings and parents. I think those relationships are important, even if they aren’t your vocation, plus it’s important for children to spend time with their extended family. On the other hand, there has to be circumstances where the amount of time is excessive, especially if the spouse is visiting without the rest of the family. Also, the range of what is appropriate is going to vary depending on the circumstances and personalities of the couple, so there isn’t really a clear cut right and wrong. Has anyone had difficulty balancing this with their spouse? How did you decide what was reasonable?

 

[Psalm30]

Has anyone had difficulty balancing this with their spouse?

In my own marriage, no. In my parents’ marriage — from what I know of it — yes.

How did you decide what was reasonable?

I don’t think my husband and I have ever explicitly discussed it, but I’m inclined to think that what is reasonable or unreasonable is not so much the amount of time spent with extended family but rather the ranking of priorities. So, if you had to choose between going to a ballgame with your parent or sibling and going to your kid’s ballet recital, you should choose your kid’s ballet recital. Or if you have to choose between going on a date with your spouse for your anniversary and going to the movies with your mother, you should choose going on the date for your anniversary with your spouse.

Of course, if you are continuously with your siblings and parents and never with your spouse and kids, or vice versa, that’s extreme and not okay. But I think setting priorities works better than coming up with a set amount of time that is considered reasonable.

 

[TheLittleLady]

We live too far from our families. If we were close again, it would be such a blessing to be close that I cannot fathom begrudging time spent with siblings.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

I would have liked to give my kiddos aunts and uncles and cousins, but due to various dysfunctions (up to and including diagnosed-but-untreated mental illness), I wasn’t able to do it.