Boyfriend's Porn Addiction

  • Thread starter Thread starter bumblebee
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
B

bumblebee

Guest
My boyfriend (20) and I (also 20) have been dating for just over 4 months officially now and have been talking for about 6 months before that. A little bit before he asked me to be his girlfriend, he told me that he was addicted to porn and then with that masturbating. Side note, we are also semi-long distance where I get to see him in person usually every other weekend and the in between time is Face Time calls or normal phone calls or just texting. But I say that because he told me over Face Time before we were dating.I didn’t think he did that to avoid saying it to my face because we have talked about it face to face also, I just wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t know how to react then and sometimes I’m still just like, what do I do with this information? How was I supposed to react? I was very calm and quiet when he told me, I also remember I really was conscious of myself in that moment because I didn’t want to show anything that might hurt him more from a poor reaction. I read a lot of forums on here and they all were suggesting that I just break up with him now. I really don’t want to do that, but I don’t know what I can do, if anything to help. I pray for him and for this, but it is also something that has been going on for years and he is deeply wounded by. It doesn’t come up all the time and I know he has people that he can and does talk to because we’ve talked that I shouldn’t be the primary person to talk to about it all. Or at least in the way he needs, just good faithful brothers in Christ. We have both said concerning our pasts and just talking about things that nothing is off the table until one of us take it off. I guess I am just asking for prayers. I don’t know how much is too much to talk about and I don’t know what questions I should be asking either because he has asked before if I had questions. I am doing my best to be very patient and understanding and caring and whatever I can be, but I also am worried. I just want him to be okay and he beats himself up so so so much for it. I just want the best for him. Any advice or anything would be greatly appreciated. This isn’t something that we always talk about but when it does come up I just get nervous because I have never had these conversations before and I want to do the right thing and be there for him. I also just don’t have the right words to say though. I don’t know if this is relevant, but he is my first boyfriend and also my first serious relationship. If he makes a mistake and falls he tells me. Not like immediately after like “guess what I just did”, but I can tell when he’s more mellow and something is wrong and he says he’s sorry and I know he is. He said something once along the lines of once addicted always addicted, and I don’t think I’m being naive when I say I disagree? My heart aches for him and it really freaks me out because I don’t know what that means for me. That sounds selfish to say, but like yeah. Is it cheating? I just feel a little lost in what I can do or who I could go to for help or just conversation.
 
Proceed with caution. My husband has the same problem (he was my first boyfriend so I was pretty clueless at the time and didn’t realize how problematic the situation is) but 20 years down the line (we’ve beenmarried for 15 years) he still hasn’t faced the issue and continues escaping into porn fantasy. He hasn’t made love to me in years so think about it. I think it is good that your boyfriend is open and upfront but addiction is a real thing and you should really think hard before committing. This is something that you will be saddled with your whole life together – hopefully finding a way to heal but you should be very very very careful. Here is an article that I found very useful. Do pray for discernment and don’t go too fast. You can’t “save” him through your love, although you can be here for him this is something he has to deal with and WANT to deal with himself. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/meaningful-you/201309/the-hidden-wisdom-porn-addiction
 
Is this just fun dating so I can call someone my boyfriend or are you seriously discerning marriage. IF it is just a fun thing, tell him it is immodest to discuss his sexual sins with you and end the conversation if he brings it up.

If you are developing deep feelings, considering this as a run up to marriage, do not expect him to change. Unless you can see marriage to him, complete with masturbation and porn, for the next 60 years, then end the romance now.

If he is unable to control his urges now, it is only going to be more difficult in marriage.
 
I’m worried about this.

There are a couple reasons? But honestly the main is that he’s maybe just winding this up for you. At least a little?

I mean let’s break this down into workable parts.

A guy gets locked into a dangerous sin-routine. A real game of short-term-gain-long-term-pain. He regrets it? He’s ashamed? He wants with all his heart to stop doing it. Let’s assume for all the right reasons.

So what does he do?

Does he confess it to his priest?

Does he search up online how to fight it best? Does he join a support group? Does he put controls on his computer to block it?

Or does he instead share it with someone who he knows cares about him and so turns it into a crutch. Into a pivot. Into a sympathy play at every slow Friday when affection’s not in full view?

I mean I’m just worried about a guy’s motivations for laying this weight on your shoulders and keeping it front and center.

And I’m worried about you letting him.

I’m worried about what that’s doing to the health and normal pace of things for him to keep reminding you of what he gets up to when his thoughts go gray. I’m pretty sure this isn’t him respecting you so much that he wants to share. This has more the flavor of a guy wanting not to feel guilt and wanting to merge his 2 pastimes into one.

Just make sure you never send him any pictures, k? You know the kind that might keep him distracted from porn? Because that’s phase 3.

Look, the guy could be a cupcake and just really clueless? But honestly there’s more than a fair chance he’s onto something else. So please just be careful. And keep him off that topic. It’s not something you need to be a part of any more than if he was confessing to you every Wednesday about his inability to stop messing around with other girls.

I mean there’re limits to intimacy. There’s a whole world of difference between being in a crisis of conscience and needing a one-time pass? And being on a merry-go-round of emotional-pleasure-seeking. A guy using others for pleasure doesn’t typically stop when the screen’s off, k?

Just please think about it.

Peace.

-Trident
 
Excellent post, Trident.

OP, it is not right that this guy drags you into his problem by first, telling you at all (TMI at this point) and then by “confessing” to you.

This is not your problem to solve. It’s his. It was his problem before he met you and it’s his problem now. It is not right for him to dump this problem on you by sharing it.

He needs to talk to a priest (he is Catholic?) or to a counselor, or any other number of things. But you should not be a part of this.

Perhaps because this is your first boyfriend you don’t realize you can’t fix this. Or perhaps you are afraid if you break up with him no one else will ever come along.

You need to take a step back from this. Ask yourself if his behavior never ends would you ever really be happy with him?
 
Last edited:
bumblebee said:
He said something once along the lines of once addicted always addicted, and I don’t think I’m being naive when I say I disagree?
Click to expand...
Yes, you are being naive.

He is right. If he is addicted, he needs to get professional help.
 
Except let’s face it, not everyone that says they are addicted are really addicted. Some just are reluctant to give it up or weak.
 
Do not let yourself get serious about him! he absolutely should be speaking about this with a trained professional! If he
says that you’re the only one he’s comfortable speaking to, let him be uncomfortable. Don’t get close to marrying him, unless he’s going thru proper channels! in fact, it sounds as if the best thing is not to discuss these things at all. If he insists on speaking to you about this, break up with him. You can do better!
 
Yeah, it’s a type of cheating. And another problem is it’s so widespread that most men just see it as something they do. If he’s serious about getting over this he should be in the confessional weekly confessing every time he has and every lustful thought he’s entertained. True men don’t objectify women for pleasure and sneak away to pleasure themselves. Sounds like you’re way to emotionally invested in this way to early on. Also, who starts out a relationship saying they’re addicted to porn and masturbation? Lots of red flags here.
 
I’m not the only go to person for him, he has a few close friends and then also said he needs to go back to counseling. I don’t think either of us will be seriously seriously considering marriage while we are both still in school. Thanks for your advice
 
He is really upfront and honest about almost everything. I know he has people he talks to and does go to confession regularly. He said that he told me because he wasn’t trying to hide anything, that he didn’t want to pretend like everything was okay.
 
He does go to confession and I know he has people he talks to. He said he needs to go back to counseling too. I don’t think I am turning into his crutch, and I am not telling him I’m okay with any of it. It does weigh on me, yes, but it’s more like we are talking and somethings off and he says he’s ‘messed up’ or ‘fell again’.

I am not going to let him hurt me and I don’t think it will come to that. Thank you for your post. And no, I will not be sending any pictures. Just talking about anything to nothing is a good distraction.

He is very honest and up front about things which I think is why he told me. So that he wouldn’t have some big secret to keep from me. I am being careful though. Neither of us dwell in it, and try to build each other up rather.

I feel like in this post only the negatives were high lighted and there are far more positives in him. I don’t think he is a bad person in the slightest, he’s just been hurt and fell into a bad trap, and that’s not me saying any of this is okay. I hate it. He hates it.

thanks trident.
 
This isn’t a just for fun relationship. I don’t think marriage would be on the table until we are both out of school in like 3 years. That feels very far off from right now. My Mom would always say you can’t change people, you can only make changes in yourself. Your last sentence really made me think. I am not ending the relationship right now, no. I feel like it is too early on to make that call. I know I can’t fix him, but I still want to be able to support him if I can. If the dynamic or if priorities or the relationship goes somewhere it shouldn’t, then I will end it because that would be bad for both of us. Thank you for your post.
 
It’s good that he’s being honest with you, bumblebee, but it’s also an addiction that is extremely hard to overcome. Just his statement about “once an addict, always an addict” makes me feel as if deep down he really doesn’t WANT to overcome the addiction, so he’s throwing out the long-term excuse to you right up front. As a wife of someone who’s been using porn since he was a teenager, I can tell you that, knowing what I know now, I don’t believe I would have married him. His porn use has definitely made our marriage a sad and extremely difficult road for many, many years. Love is blind, though, and I think most of us try to rationalize misgivings that we may have about the other person, especially when we’re fairly inexperienced or young. Since you’re only at the dating stage and the idea of marriage hasn’t been really discussed much, I would recommend that you try not to get too serious with him and instead date other guys as well as him. If he asks why, I would be honest (but kind) about his porn use being at least part of the reason. It’s also a good idea not to settle down too quickly and seriously with the first real boyfriend. Experience can be a very good teacher, and in this case, you will likely learn that there are other guys out there with moral values that match yours in a much better way. May our very caring Blessed Mother help intercede for you through this, whatever you decide.
 
He is not ready for a serious commitment. He needs to overcome his sinful behaviour first.
 
I’m glad to hear the positives. And totally glad you’re good with clarifying where the lines are with you. I mean it’s important to know that too.

My job though is to warn you what an addict can do. What an addict often does do.

Manipulation? Half-truths? Distractions from the main event? Normalizing things that shouldn’t be normal? Justifying bad behavior? Sympathy plays? Attention grabs? Drawing you under the burden?

These are all part of the tool box. It can be tricky. It can all be masked in flowers and sweet smiles big. I mean I know this road. I know both sides of it.

As a recovering alcoholic/drug addict I can tell you twice over that the shorter the distance between lack of self-control and self-pleasure? The less likelihood of the guy standing strong in other places either. I mean he’s willing to trade respect, care, and honor for you just to get a bit of a buzz now and then. It’s tricky to know how far that goes? But it should truly offend you to think about.

Be very careful about the excuses you make to yourself and others over that. I mean if he’s really keen on fighting this? Good for him. I’m really glad. But don’t make his fight that much harder by giving him room to keep failing at it.

Don’t give him comfort knowing that he can just merely struggle at this indefinitely and know you’ll be there to help pick up the pieces every time. He should know there’s a finite patience to get this handled. He should know you’re not impressed that he does this. It should humiliate him to the core to fail. It should matter to him that he’s failing not only himself? But you also…you above all.

He needs to honor you enough to stop. To respect you enough to not just try. To fear your loss enough that his struggle has a powerful consequence and meaning.

Addicts don’t get the message easily. They’re all too ready to give up at the first sign of an easy path onwards. They’re like a dam with many leaks. Each leak is an excuse to keep at it. Each one eases the pressure and lets them go on pretending they’re holding back the river. But honestly if they’re truly wanting to hold back their temptations? They need to plug all leaks and keep them solid. Anything less and the whole thing eventually just breaks down.

I want you to be careful because you seem like a very decent person.

And I’d like you to stay that way.

Peace bumblebee
 
And now it’s my turn!

First off m’dear welcome to Catholic Forums! I hope you make many awesome friends here as I have (:

Second off, hug darlin’ you are walking a tight rope and it is one made of razors. Story time!
I fell for my first (thus far only) boyfriend at…what, 14? Pined after him for three years before I got him.

Woohoo!

Noooooope.

He also was addicted, and it came out part and parcel. Same lines as your man, same hopeless fear, same shame, same mellow. It’s vulnerable and genuine and crushing and something that, as women, I believe we all feel touched by and want to help with.

But as others have mentioned, we cannot. It isn’t our battle. We’re the supporters, for sure, but we are not their fathers, brothers, priests or friends. My dear, I cannot tell you how sorrowful my heart is for men like your dear one; they are caught tight in a trap that they’ve grown limp in. It hurts to fight, they feel unlovable and too flawed to be saved, and we, the girlfriends, are stuck dragging corpses.

I have no doubt you care for him, and I have no doubt his honesty is brave. But. Speaking from experience. It is also the first step (as Trident mentioned) to making you a crutch. I am NOT SAYING he is a horrible person. He is a hurting person, scrambling to get out of something he doesn’t know how to escape. It’s hard, and you provide the most attractive way out.

I don’t know him, and I don’t know you. But every fiber of my being knows this scenario and it’s screaming for you to bring people in, or get out. It is cheating, and darling girl, you are worth more than that. HE is worth more than this. But he needs to believe that himself, and girl, you were made for God’s glory, not to fight his inner critic.

Faito, bumblebee; PM me if you’d like, but know you and he are most certainly in my prayers (:
God bless!
Hawk
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top