Broke up with girlfriend over contraception

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clam91

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Good morning!

I wanted to get your opinion, guidance and support. 27 M here. I broke up with a wonderful, attentive, beautiful, caring, respectful, kind, intelligent young woman a few months ago and have been wondering if I have indeed made the right decision (or if this is always the right decision when discerning marriage in the future). The dealbreaker for me, a lifelong and, I like to think, faithful Catholic, was her insistence that, in marriage, she have the option of using the pill to space out children. I told her I was uneasy, and ultimately told her we would have to separate over this.

After talking with friends and family whose opinions I value, all except two have agreed with my decision, while the vast majority, many of whom are practicing Catholics, have asked me to reconsider.

We were both baptized Catholics. She respected my desire to wait until marriage, and was open to having children. We even attended Mass together! Though we were not engaged, we were having serious discussions about our future.

Even though I feel the separation was mutual, or even that I was the one that broke it off, I feel rejected on one level, and on another that I hurt her by making this issue that many find trivial a dealbreaker.

I know that following God’s will brings a sense of peace, but I have trouble being peaceful about it. I am conflicted about reaching out to her and finding compromise in something I feel can’t be compromised over.
 
I don’t see where there is much room for compromise. Discussion around NFP might be one area. Using artificial means of contraception is not in line with true Catholic teaching.
 
clam91 said:
The dealbreaker for me, a lifelong and, I like to think, faithful Catholic, was her insistence that, in marriage, she have the option of using the pill to space out children.
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Yes, that is a deal breaker because contraception is grave matter against the sixth commandment. It’s not something you can ignore.
clam91 said:
She respected my desire to wait until marriage, and was open to having children.
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Respecting your desire to wait to have sexual relations is not the same thing as embracing it herself. You two do not sound like you are on the same page, spiritually.
clam91 said:
trivial a dealbreaker.
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Trivial? It’s at the heart of your marriage.

And, it’s YOUR deal breaker. Not theirs.
clam91 said:
finding compromise
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In this, there really isn’t a compromise if she is unwilling to commit to natural family planning. And, in reality, if she is merely conceding to you on all of these things, she doesn’t embrace them in her heart and you may find yourself married and then having her renege on her promises.
 
If you aren’t willing to compromise, then you aren’t willing to compromise. You will be at an impasse with her.
 
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clam91 said:
while the vast majority, many of whom are practicing Catholics, have asked me to reconsider.
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No. I think you were right. There’s no point marrying someone who differs in important ways.
clam91 said:
She respected my desire to wait until marriage, and was open to having children.
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Sounds like the bare minimum. Respected doesn’t equal “supported and affirmed”.

Being open to children is the least that’s expected of a Catholic couple.
clam91 said:
I am conflicted about reaching out to her and finding compromise in something I feel can’t be compromised over.
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You’re right though. It can’t and shouldn’t be compromised over.

You’re probably feeling uneasy now because it’s still fresh and you’re wondering if you did the right thing. In time the decision will settle and you’ll see it’s the right one. Especially if you meet an actual practicing Catholic girl who is fully on board and with you on these issues.
 
Full disclosure my wife and I started out contracepting, moved to nfp, and then ultimately gave that up as well. It has Always been the single biggest issue in our marriage and we had to learn to grow together. My wife was away on business and I cleaned out the garage a couple weeks ago I ran across letters from when we were engaged. Even then we had different ideas about ABC. All that being said. Yes, I think its wise to break up over this. First, the method she wants to use is bad beyond ABC. Its chemical and hormonal and should ovulation and conception occur it is designed to prevent implantation which can be abortifacient in nature. I cannot stress enough how important it is to at least be close on this issue. As a spouse your main job is to help your spouse achieve heaven. Its important that when a person insists on committing something you believe is grave matter and involve you in it as sex in marriage does that you are at an agreement. I commend you both for discussing this in depth before marriage. And I think the decision is wise. That doesnt mean it isn’t incredibly painful.
 
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You should be asking God if it was the right move to break up with her, not us and not your friends.

Is it your vocation to marry her? He knows.

(That being said you are correct to object to contraception)
 
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I’m sorry, does God type out clear answers? I think he followed his conscience which is what we are to do. I’m a huge fan of the response ask your pastor etc but ask God. That’s a first for me. Even here on Godanswersdotcom
 
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I don’t see what is so objectionable about it.

Perhaps “take it to prayer” is a better way of phrasing it.

We don’t know him or this woman. Our ability to type doesn’t make up for that.
 
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I have a buddy who always says to me. You should spend some time in front of the blessed sacrament whenever we disagree. It’s kind of an inside joke. I just assume before breaking up with a girlfriend over a theological matter that a person already had asked God taken. it to prayer, sat in front of the blessed sacrament or however you wish to phrase it. I dont think “ask God” us a good answer because what you are saying is do what you think is right which he already did.
 
It made sense to me because I called off an engagement once. Really knowing it wasn’t my vocation to marry him was the only thing that gave me peace even though like the original poster, I had times I missed my ex or wanted to reconnect somehow. The question of whether it is your vocation to marry a specific person really seems like a between you a God thing. We can agree to disagree. Though I agree that talking to a priest would be helpful.
 
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Again I assume he prays about it. He is obviously looking for affirmation.
Most of us have faced breakups. When you asked God about yours what did He say. And how?
 
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Making sure the person you marry shares your value system is important. I believe it is the biggest reason marriages fail. You may not agree on what brand of TP to buy, and that is OK, but core values matter.

If you don’t share your girlfriend’s values around this issue, and she doesn’t share yours, then I think you did the right thing. And the same thing goes for any of your other core values. Take time and make a list. Review it early in the next relationship. It is a shame to invest a lot of time only to find out a core value doesn’t match.
 
Sounds like you did what you thought was right. I don’t see how other people’s opinions should play into your choice of a relationship partner.

If this lady really wants to be with you then she won’t insist on things that make you this uneasy. If using the pill is more important to her than being your wife, well, you have your answer right there.
 
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