Broken. Divorcing a psychologically abusive narcissist

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Mel3

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I’m completely broken. I have 3 young sons, married 16 years, and finally realized I don’t want my kids to learn to treat their wives like their dad behaves to me.

You cannot change a narcissist. I’m biblically sound and I love Jesus. I’m comfortable with submitting to a husband. This is beyond Godly, his behavior is warped.

Going through divorce now, he controls all money and is making my life hell. If anyone has experienced leaving an abusive manipulator, please help. I’m scared to death of losing my kids. He makes 7500 a month and I’m cleaning houses to try to keep my kids.

I’m afraid of never being in Communion again if I ever remarry. I feel like Job. I gave everyone everything and I’m used up

Ty in advance ❤️
Desperate Catholic mom
 
I’m so sorry. Your best bet would be to seek advice from a domestic violence hotline or women’s shelter - they’ll have experience in assisting women in leaving abusive situations. You’ll also need a good lawyer. You may like to see if you would qualify for some type of subsidized legal services in your area.

As far as remarriage, once your divorce is finalized, you may wish to speak to your priest about seeking a declaration of nullity. He will be able to help you through the process, or at the very least, refer you to someone who can.

Just a note - when it comes to your ex and a declaration of nullity, the tribunal will keep all information confidential. If you explain to them that he’s abusive, they’ll ensure that he doesn’t have access to your contact information, if that’s a concern. Even if it’s not, you probably don’t need to have any contact with him at all regarding the nullity process. They’ll send him a letter stating that you’ve petitioned for a declaration of nullity and inviting him to be part of the process if he wants. If he decides he wants to participate, they’ll interview him and you separately. If he decides he doesn’t want to participate, they’ll just eventually send him a letter stating that all the evidence is in and he has a right to review it within a specified time frame if he wants. If he doesn’t respond to that, they will simply send him a letter once the whole process is complete advising him of the outcome and what his rights are. My husband has a declaration of nullity from his first marriage. His ex declined to participate in the process. He was successful, the marriage was declared invalid, and we are sacramentally married.
 
Mel3 said:
Going through divorce now, he controls all money and is making my life hell. If anyone has experienced leaving an abusive manipulator, please help. I’m scared to death of losing my kids. He makes 7500 a month and I’m cleaning houses to try to keep my kids.
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You absolutely have to have a lawyer, both for the finances and for child custody. Contact a women’s shelter, or the local legal aid service.
 
I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I would definitely encourage you to reach out to your pastor even now for help and guidance. He may know the best local places to point you towards for assistance through this difficult time.

I will pray for you. 🙏
 
angel12 said:
You absolutely have to have a lawyer, both for the finances and for child custody. Contact a women’s shelter, or the local legal aid service.
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To add to that, one partner deciding to control all the money is a really common problem. Common enough that I’m sure every divorce lawyer ever has heard it. There are court proceedings to make sure he pays and can’t leave you and the kids high and dry.
 
Mel3 said:
I gave everyone everything and I’m used up
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Hi Mel3,

I said those very exact words when my ex left our family for a co-worker. At the time, I was a Catholic (convert) with 8 children of the marriages ages almost two years old to 22 years old. I also had a decade+ injury from a prior accident that needed surgery and I needed surgical repair from the last pregnancy (from the toddler) as well. Seven of the kids were living in the marital home and one had a debilitating chronic illness that required frequent medical intervention.

That said, I got a crappy attorney who actually met with my then husband 3 weeks after I dropped a few grand to retain her. (Note: narcs are good at getting into your circles). Unbeknownst to me at that time, the attorney I hired had previously handled the divorce for the mother of my husband’s paramour. (The attorney is a narc too.) Needless to say, I took a good screwin’ in the settlement (at my attorney’s insistence). I thought I was getting a good deal, but my husband never intended to abide by the part of the divorce settlement that benefited me and he later told me this.

I don’t want to scare you, but divorcing a narc is hell. They have to maintain the upper hand and will make your life a living hell. You will need a good attorney who understands narcissistic abuse and who can arrange an agreement that will work for your interests while making your ex happy as well. I know that sounds crazy, but if the narc thinks you are winning, he will be cut-throat.

Also, don’t expect to get anything from the narc but the bare minimum the state says he must give.
 
Mel3,

I understand your desperation. Like others have recommended, I think it is a good idea to connect with your local domestic violence / crisis center. Many centers can connect you with legal advocates and the Legal Aid program.

I know you might not feel like this, but there is a silver lining in this crazy storm. You aren’t having to give one more day to your soon to be narc ex-husband. It might not seem consoling, but many of us who dealt with an abusive narcissist came to recognize that it might have been 20 or 5 or 16 years of fully investing in someone who didn’t reciprocate. But we ultimately didn’t have to do it for one more day.

Not saying that I still don’t give because of the ex. I still have minor children and the co-parenting thing, so there is consideration of what the ex has going on in order to keep the peace. But my advocate at the DV center reassures me that I’m doing well to take care of myself and that the choices I make concerning ex are part of dealing with a controlling ex-partner.

Please look online for information about divorce with a narcissistic partner. Sadly, there is a plethora of info on the subject and much of it is spot-on. Also, narcs use people as “flying monkeys” to do their bidding and alienate you from friends, family, and other social supports. Be especially careful of church ladies who are supposed to be your friends, because narc exes have a way of wiggling into those friendships as well. And watch out because some friends can also turn around to provide the biggest gossip on your life’s circumstances.

Also, Please, please, please talk to a financial advisor who specializes in divorce. There are also financial resources online that give pertinent advice to divorcing women.
 
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DarkLight said:
There are court proceedings to make sure he pays and can’t leave you and the kids high and dry.
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I wish this was completely true. The problem is that family court can create as many orders as it wants. Narcs dance to the beat of their own drums and often don’t abide by the order. Narcs usually are the ones with the money, and money buys legal counsel to get those orders modified or vacated. On top of that, the bread and butter for family lawyers is keeping that case ongoing in court.

So, if a woman has been the go to parent and housekeeper in the family, supporting the advancement of her narc husband’s career, she will likely have way less funds than her ex. Pro se representation in court is not effective against an attorney who has connections to the local legal system.

It might be best for the OP to get as much up front through with a QDRO and other financial programs, so the ex can’t renege on promises down the road.
 
MamaJewel said:
I wish this was completely true. The problem is that family court can create as many orders as it wants. Narcs dance to the beat of their own drums and often don’t abide by the order. Narcs usually are the ones with the money, and money buys legal counsel to get those orders modified or vacated. On top of that, the bread and butter for family lawyers is keeping that case ongoing in court.
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I honestly meant mostly in the short term. There are orders to ensure that if he has money, he can be forced to pay for her lawyer. Because otherwise very many stay at home parents would be left with no legal representation at all. They’re not perfect, but the can often at least help get people started.

A women’s shelter would know the options. This is pretty much classic for abuse, that the one partner controls all the money.
 
Thank you for this advice and thoughtful response. I’m quickly realizing how far he’ll go to destroy me. Narcs are quite a breed and I can’t believe Im in this situation. I had EVERYTHING going for me before marriage. I was blind. I will never go back and trust God to make a way for me to survive financially. I got a protective order recently and he is MAD.

Again, thanks to all who responded. I was despairing and near a breakdown when I posted. I may get some temp relief now from the stalking and harrassment.
God bless
 
Yes, I’m learning that. Uphill battle and I have little if any control.
 
You’re welcome.
Please stay safe by making sure you have an escape plan at all times (ie all important papers with a trusted friend, some cash on hand, 911 on speed dial, take different routes when going to routine places, etc).

Reach out to local charities for resources, churches often are sources of assistance, get into school if possible for additional job training, kids into daycare and after school programs (you can often get income-based financial assistance to cover costs and teachers are mandated reporters, so it keeps unwarranted abuse claims at bay), use local DV center resources, displaced homemaker program, etc.

Conserve your power.
Focus your energies in the direction you need to go, to move yourself forward at the quickest possible rate.
Please don’t despair, because you will get through this.
Peace
MamaJewel
 
Whatever you do, don’t discuss your legal situation with your husband! In fact, you should keep most conversations with your lawyer confidential…maybe, even here, on an anonymous forum, can become dangerous!

I was really kind of exaggerating, but don’t make any strategic plans by/with your lawyer common knowledge. Don’t take any chances. You said yourself, what brought you to this point was thinking of your children someday treating their spouses the way you have been treated. Try not to let him even look like the winner. Your lawyer is looking out for your interests. That’s what he’s paid to do. Don’t let your husband sabotage your success. Keep your lawyer’s and your own strategies a complete secret from your husband. This is the time when many controlling spouses try to turn on the charm…say that maybe they were wrong, offering you small sums of money large pieces of ‘advice’. Don’t fall for any of it!!!

You’re worth more than that. So are your kids. God Bless!
 
Also be careful posting! There are a lot of ways to track computer usage.
 
I’m really sorry you have this going on. My parents are getting a divorce now and my Mom is in the same boat. It was hard to hear that your Dad was a narcissist and how that has affected me and my sisters (I have two more, so instead of your three boys we have 3 girls lol). Not to mention how that has affected my mother in their 25+ years of marriage. I don’t know how much advice I could give you here, I just saw a post that hit close to my own situation and wanted to let you know, you’re not alone. I’m praying for you and your family.
 
I am so sorry for what you going through. I was a child to an abusive father controlling and beating my Mom every day. My Mom tried to stay with my father for 38 years to fix him for us kids. My father got worse after we left. Finally she left him. Jesus knows your reasoning your heart what every soul is going through and I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you. I don’t believe when God created the stracture of marriage meant it for couples to be abusive mentally verbally or any other form. Even Jesus said for husband’s to treat their wives like Jesus treats his church with love. You are right as a child witnessing an abuse is awful. My Mom is still scared of my father never remarried she did not even want experience another man. She lives in a different culture so is harder and she is still hiding. Please have a lawyer and I don’t know if you have any extended family support to help you. Your boys will want to be with you they have a say I believe if a judge asks them due to being older. God bless you and I am so sorry for what you are going through.
 
@Mel3, prayers for you and your children also
What you share, and what @Eleni1 shared, is so heartbreaking.
It’s so excruciating that one person in these relationships can cause so much terrble harm.

Please God, help Mel and her children, and Eleni and her mother. to find healing, and the blessing of wholesome happy futures.
 
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Thank you very much Trishie. It is hard it’s not only the fact that people get mistreated but the moment you stand up because you can’t take it any longer and you try to tell them to stop not to point fingers but in hopes they can see what they are doing and how they are effecting you but that doesn’t work. Is like you have no right to stand up and speak the truth not to blame but to defend your self and maybe things get better. How can you Honor your Mom and Dad sometimes that people so easily throw to your face that verse. With my father’s situation I tried I called him I try to tell him Dad let go. He lives with his sister and relatives now and of course his family if origin never liked my Mom to begin with and my Dad denies everything he didn’t do anything it was all of our fault. His sister called me a bad kid but I am not a kid anymore I am 50 years old almost. They pressure me to bring my Mom back is my fault that she left him that she would have take it wasn’t big deal so much. At one point even though you love and you forgave them the situation is so toxic that you stay away. Is sad families split a part people accuse you like you have to take a side. But you can’t say your truth. I see it happening in every family. I go through with my husband’s family with verbal misstreatm mocking making fun of me or my kids and when you stand up again for what’s not right and you don’t want to accept to be mistreated they get mad that you don’t want to take it. They call you crazy or deny everything. I have no problem getting called crazy anymore. A healthy individual won’t call another human crazy you need to be a psychologist pshycatrist with many yearsof college. They enlist other people to bully you and shame you putting guilt and shame all because you don’t stand for what’s wrong. Like I said is sad and awful best you can do stay away and pray and try to heal from situations and people that don’t see their part and how they treat others. God Bless everyone.
 
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