Church Abuses of the Sacrament of Marrage with regard to Annulments, etc

[matthias]

I have recently become Catholic. I truly love The Church however I have also come to realize that even in The One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church there are abuses and a need for constant “renewal”.

I came from a very conservative and traditional Evangelical denomination that (at least officially) does not accept divorce and re-marriage at all. So for me as a convert it was not an issue of coming to understand why divorce is wrong (as it is for many converts), it was more an issue of coming to accept annulments as acceptable.

This was hard but once I came to a true Sacramental understanding of marriage it all eventually seemed to make pence. Annulment was a discernment that the Sacrament itself had not taken place it did not in fact “reverse” or “undo” a marriage, it discerned that a Sacramental marriage had never really taken place.

Now I am in complete agreement (to the best of my knowledge) with the theological concept of annulment. The problem I have or at least where I seem to perceive abuse is in the actual implementation or practical application of annulment.

The sacramentality of Marriage both helped me understand annulment and also gave me a much higher appreciation for the Sacrament (capitol S is important).

OK… enough lead in and maybe it’s time to get to the point…

I feel that it is a gross abuse to annul a marriage unless there is grave reason to do so. I believe the following example although imperfect may help express what I am perceiving. Say you are in the sanctuary praying before the tabernacle. You get up to leave… You notice a single host sitting in a pew. What should our reaction be as Catholics? Should we pick up the host and think… “it might not be a consecrated host I better just throw it away”? Nooooo! I, seeing the host would probably pick it up and carefully and reverently take it to the priest and inquire as to what is the appropriate action to take (my guess is to consume it).

The point is that Sacraments are not a casual thing. The Sacrament of Marriage is a very holy thing and I think it is far more appropriate for The Church to tell someone “I’m sorry you must remain celibate the rest of your life and/or seek re-union with your spouse” rather than to have the Church say “eh… a Sacrament probably didn’t happen… go ahead and shack up with whoever you are dating now”.

Frankly I feel nearly as much frustration toward people who are already dating and pursuing marriage before they even look into annulment. If you’re marriage has not been annulled by The Church any romantic pursuits even those that would normally be ok outside a marriage are WRONG. Does this person really have any respect for the Sacrament if they are dating another before they know they are not still married in God’s eyes?

Yes I know… I am a bit long winded but to re-cap…

I came to a sacramental understanding of marriage and in doing so came to see the ease at which people acquire annulments as a gross abuse. I believe that the attitude regarding annulments is a reflection of the general secularization of the Church and a symptom and also cause of the further degradation of the family in America. In marriage shouldn’t we have the same awe at the grace of Christ, present in the Sacrament, as we do in the other Sacraments and take extreme caution not to abuse or devalue this holy Sacrament?

I would appreciate others discussion on this as I listen to EWTN frequently and have not heard this particular issue raised before. Am I way off base or is this just another area in The Church that needs revisiting…

 

[tee_eff_em]

A few years ago there was a study of the annulment process (from the Archdiocese of Boston, I think) looking into, among others, the question “Why are so many annulments granted today?” (as opposed to, say 40 or 50 years ago). As I recall, it found two factors:

Many, many more people seek annulments today than in times past. More petitions leads to more declarations of nullity, just on the law of averages.

Secondly, thought it may seem like annulments are “almost always” granted, I believe the study above found that those petitions with little or no chance of being granted are quashed very early in the process. So any inquiry that takes even a bit of time (meaning people more likely know about it) has a higher chance of resulting in a declaration. (That is: You don’t hear about the ones that get quashed early on)

Anyway, most of your concern probably stems from the first point: The sheer number of annulments that are sought in this day and age. In my opinion it is a cultural problem (which may also give indication of so many null unions – If people don’t **understand ** that marriage creates a perpetual and exclusive bond, if this misunderstanding is ingrained in the culture, what can we expect? Oy vey!)

 

[kellie]

Hi matthias,

I was married in July 1995.

I was divorced in June 1998.

My husband left me for another woman, and has since shacked up with a different woman again.

We have a 6 year old son from the marriage.

I have dated since my divorce, and I have only realised this year the importance of the Sacrament of Matrimony, and that it is a sin to date whilst not annulled.

I have stopped looking, I have confessed my sins, and I have applied for my marriage to be annulled.

The priests who works at the tribunal explained to me that I may not be granted the annullment, a lot dont, but I do have a good case, as my husband left me after only 18 months of marriage, and from what I had told him, he didnt take the Sacrament of Matrimony serious.

I think, as tee_eff_em said, there are more annullments because more people are applying, and more people are applying as there are more divorces.

Even in non-Catholic circles years ago, there weren’t as many divorces.

I was also told that it is everyone’s right to apply for an annullment, no matter how long it has been since the split.

It is an arduous task, arghhh, I have to type a 6-8 page letter detailing our courtship, a typical night together etc.

I think seeing what is involved would deter a lot of people. I know one lady who never bothered as soon as she saw how long the process is.

I need witnesses too to be interviewed by the Church, something I haven’t been able to decide on who to ask.

I am praying God will help me.

But I think youre thread is very good to talk about.
If there was any hope of me salvaging my marriage, I would have, but as I said, my husband has had 2 partners since me, and I know there were many before me, so his way of living isn’t going to change for a while.

I am praying I get this annullment, so even if I do decide to stay celibate, I will at least know that I have lived a Sacramental life the way God wants me to.

Love Kellie

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

This is a topic that concerns me too. I’ve heard that many people getting married don’t understand what they are consenting to with their vows, so the sacrament is not valid. That in itself is terrifying, to think that we are so horribly taught, especially when every couple to be married in a Catholic Church has to at least meet with the priest (I think). There is NO EXUSE for that

Ok, so what if this is all true. Then are many marriages invalid? I know of some couples who are still married who have just as little understanding of the sacrament as couples who have received annullments. They just happen to have remained happy enough to stay together. Are all these people living in extra-marital relationships when they don’t even know it? Are they fornicating?

What about the people who do get their marriages annulled. Have the marriage tribunals made mistakes? I’m guessing God will have mercy on a person’s soul if the fault of their anullment and remarriage lay partially with an incorrect marriage tribunal. But if the sacrament existed, it is still there, and then whether or not the people know it, they are committing adultery.

Such a heavy responsibility lays on those responsible for making these judgements and the priests marrying couples. And I do wonder, if dissenting priests have been in all other areas of the Church, might they also be in the tribunals? This is very troubling to me…

Of course I don’t know how tribunals work. They’re not gifted with the same kind of infallibility as a papal conclave (d/t the Holy Spirit) are they?

 

[funkyhorn]

I would agree with you on this one. I think that people just don’t take marriage seriously. The requirements the Catholic Church has in place for engaged couples is good, but the people running the actual preparation classes aren’t necessarily doing their jobs well. My fiancee and I went on our marriage preparation retreat in late February this year and it was just a terrible experience (from a Catholic point of view). The people running it (Christian Marriage Ministries Inc) did NOT do a good job of communicating the Sacramental or vocational aspects of marriage. Not only that, but they didn’t seem to have much respect for Catholic OR Protestant beliefs about marriage, chastity, adultary, etc.

This retreat was supposed to be a “Catholic” retreat, and perhaps in everything that was said and done you may be able to say that it is in accord with Catholic teaching. However, it was in what was left out and in the things that were implied that made much of what was taught at this retreat contrary to the beliefs of the Catholic Church. They implied that premarital sex and cohabitation are normal and acceptable practices, there was VERY little prayer (we prayed only once during the entire two day retreat), one speaker went so far to say (concerning "Thou shalt not commit adultary), “the commandments are good and all, but they have their place.” There was cursing and foul language, and just a general disrespect for Catholic teachings in general. It was so bad that I actually ended up writing a four page letter to the Archdiocese about it. I know that it was looked into, but I’m not sure if anything was done.

There were probably over a hundred couples at this retreat and it probably did more harm than good for them. There are, however, very good, Catholic retreats out there, but my fiancee and I just happened to attend a bad one. I would hope that this was the exception rather than the rule. I also think that most couples see these kinds of things as hoops they need to jump through in order to get married in the Catholic Church and that the problem originates in the faith formaton of these people rather than in the marriage preparation classes. These inadequate marriage preparation classes simply perpetuate the problem.

 

[tee_eff_em]

ThyKingdomCome:

Ok, so what if this is all true. Then are many marriages invalid? I know of some couples who are still married who have just as little understanding of the sacrament as couples who have received annullments. They just happen to have remained happy enough to stay together. Are all these people living in extra-marital relationships when they don’t even know it? Are they fornicating?

They are living in putative marriages. Canon law sez:

Can. 1060 Marriage enjoys the favour of law. Consequently, in doubt the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven.

Can. 1061 §3 An invalid marriage is said to be putative if it has been celebrated in good faith by at least one party. It ceases to be such when both parties become certain of its nullity.

If two people believe themselves to be married (even if investigation of the bond might prove otherwise), I suppose they would be “material fornicators”, but would not be culpable for the sin, since sin requires full knowledge and full consent (which our hypothetical couple do not have).

BTW, I should have provided this disclaimer above, and certainly include it here:
I Am Not A Canon Lawyer.

 

[tee_eff_em]

funkyhorn, I am saddened to hear about your poor experience. Even if that retreat fulfilled your precana requirement, I would urge you and your finacee seek out other sources of instruction.

Mrs em and I are presenters of Catholic Engaged Encounter retreats, which of course, I highly recommend.

And of course, nothing prevents you from continuing to learn about the sacrament after you are married (try a Marriage Encounter retreat )

 

[Nana_Rose]

Good and valid question! My husband had to have his first marriage annulled, but let me step back and give you some history. He was 19 his wife to be 17, neither were baptized Christians, no marriage prep what so ever, etc. After 14 years of marriage and numerous affairs on her part, (she had two other partners) they finally divorced, against my husbands wishes. Since then she has had three other husbands. My husband has four daughters with her. By the time we met, I didn’t even think of dating a divorced man as being a sin, I didn’t even know if the marriage was recognized by the Church since they weren’t even baptized.

My husband and I became engaged, and by that point he had started to attend Mass with me (didn’t receive communion or anything) and wanted to take RCIA classes to join the Church. He applied for an annullment and boy did the poo hit the fan as they say!! People were angry that the Church could annull a marriage where four children were produced! I didn’t understand the process myself and couldn’t defend it. But I learned quick! It was a difficult time, but we made it through and are so much better today for it. Through the questions he answered we talked over so much, he healed past hurts and we were able to start on fresh ground with each other and with a solid footing of what the sacrement really is.

What I don’t understand is how many people who are in church today on a second or third marriage without an annullment and go up and receive our Lord as if nothing is wrong? And I would also like to know, how do you evangelize someone into the Catholic Church that is on say their thrid or fourth marriage? Maybe that’s another thread?

 

[morelia92]

Thought that this was a good thread to bring back to the forefront!

Lemme give you a lil’ history…

I came from a broken home. My step-father was abusive and always told me I wasn’t his (I thought I was)… but only when he was mad.

I was sexual abused from 5-8 by a distant family member and it was never dealt with. Out of sight, out of mind.

When I was 9 my mom sent me to Texas ahead of her to live with my sister and her three homosexual buddies. They would send me back in the room while they all took inappropriate pics in the living room.

I remembered “asking Jesus into my heart” as a kid. My aunt told me I didn’t know what I was doing though. Anywho…I know that I am even alive because of God’s mercy.

We moved to Texas and my mom followed… the U-Haul was stolen and everything we owned was stolen or destroyed.

Mom worked 2 jobs so at 10 I was alone alot in the big city. My sister who is 13 years older was always out drinking.

I told you all of that to show you the homelife I had. NO GUIDANCE!
I met my first “husband” ( I do NOT consider him my ex-husband) in January of 87, 5 months after my 15th birthday. We were married in a civil ceremony May 15th, only 4 months after I met him.
I was NOT baptized…he was Catholic. I didn’t realize the meaning of that until later. He would always tell me he would never marry me in the Church and that we were not really married.

Fast forward to 92… I married my current and only “HUSBAND”. We were married in a civil ceremony and a year later, “renewed” our vows. He is a cradle Catholic. Even though we had all of our children baptized we had left the Church. I was attending an Evangelical Church.

This past September we came back to the Church. I am in the final stages of my anulment. Having the Sacrament of Marriage is very important to me…but even more so is the expectation of receiving our Lord in the Eucharist and being Confirmered.

I am sincerly sorry for the bad choices I have made, and I must say I too do not understand how someone can go through an anulment 2 or 3 times. Once is a mistake… but if we are truely sorry for our sin and dishonoring the Lord… how can it have been done twice…surely not 3 times.

This has been such a hard process. I don’t wish it on any one. I know that by going through this process it makes me very aware of the seriousness of the Sacrament of Marriage.

I think one very important thing is that we should be there to guide the young people who don’t have a close family.

Be blessed… sorry to ramble!

 

[morelia92]

Thought that this was a good thread to bring back to the forefront!

Lemme give you a lil’ history…

I came from a broken home. My step-father was abusive and always told me I wasn’t his (I thought I was)… but only when he was mad.

I was sexual abused from 5-8 by a distant family member and it was never dealt with. Out of sight, out of mind.

When I was 9 my mom sent me to Texas ahead of her to live with my sister and her three homosexual buddies. They would send me back in the room while they all took inappropriate pics in the living room.

I remembered “asking Jesus into my heart” as a kid. My aunt told me I didn’t know what I was doing though. Anywho…I know that I am even alive because of God’s mercy.

We moved to Texas and my mom followed… the U-Haul was stolen and everything we owned was stolen or destroyed.

Mom worked 2 jobs so at 10 I was alone alot in the big city. My sister who is 13 years older was always out drinking.

I told you all of that to show you the homelife I had. NO GUIDANCE!
I met my first “husband” ( I do NOT consider him my ex-husband) in January of 87, 5 months after my 15th birthday. We were married in a civil ceremony May 15th, only 4 months after I met him.
I was NOT baptized…he was Catholic. I didn’t realize the meaning of that until later. He would always tell me he would never marry me in the Church and that we were not really married.

Fast forward to 92… I married my current and only “HUSBAND”. We were married in a civil ceremony and a year later, “renewed” our vows. He is a cradle Catholic. Even though we had all of our children baptized we had left the Church. I was attending an Evangelical Church.

This past September we came back to the Church. I am in the final stages of my anulment. Having the Sacrament of Marriage is very important to me…but even more so is the expectation of receiving our Lord in the Eucharist and being Confirmered.

I am sincerly sorry for the bad choices I have made, and I must say I too do not understand how someone can go through an anulment 2 or 3 times. Once is a mistake… but if we are truely sorry for our sin and dishonoring the Lord… how can it have been done twice…surely not 3 times.

This has been such a hard process. I don’t wish it on any one. I know that by going through this process it makes me very aware of the seriousness of the Sacrament of Marriage.

I think one very important thing is that we should be there to guide the young people who don’t have a close family.

Be blessed… sorry to ramble!

 

[AnotherChance]

Thought that this was a good thread to bring back to the forefront!

I am sincerly sorry for the bad choices I have made, and I must say I too do not understand how someone can go through an anulment 2 or 3 times. Once is a mistake… but if we are truely sorry for our sin and dishonoring the Lord… how can it have been done twice…surely not 3 times.

This has been such a hard process. I don’t wish it on any one. I know that by going through this process it makes me very aware of the seriousness of the Sacrament of Marriage.

I think one very important thing is that we should be there to guide the young people who don’t have a close family.

Be blessed… sorry to ramble!

Thanks Cathy for finding this thread. I just sent in my annulment application last week, so it was interesting to read the others’ posts. I am married to a lapsed Catholic, but didn’t apply for an annulment for years mainly for reasons like those posted in this thread. I thought it wouldn’t be right and would be somehow cheating the process. In short, I didn’t believe that I deserved to be Catholic.

In time I realized that my first foolish marriage truly was invalid. My first husband had stated on many occasions that he didn’t believe in marriage, in addition to being on drugs at the time of our wedding and eventually joining a polygamous New Age cult.

I think annulment is necessary in these crazy times, but the process should not be abused by individuals. I agree with you that our experiences can help us emphasize to young people why the Church teachings on marriage are so important. That is one reason why I am joining the Catholic Church–so that my children don’t wander around as aimless and confused as I was as a teen and young adult.

 

[jmcrae]

The point is that Sacraments are not a casual thing. The Sacrament of Marriage is a very holy thing and I think it is far more appropriate for The Church to tell someone “I’m sorry you must remain celibate the rest of your life and/or seek re-union with your spouse” rather than to have the Church say “eh… a Sacrament probably didn’t happen… go ahead and shack up with whoever you are dating now”.

I agreed with all of your post except for this part.

Just for full disclosure, if I were in charge of a Tribunal, nobody would get Declaration of Nullity who hadn’t actually married a sibling, or been physically dragged to the ceremony kicking and screaming.

That having been said - first, the Tribunal isn’t even called in until there is absolutely no hope of saving the original marriage. That is, the divorce papers have been signed, and both members of the marriage have established separate residences, and no longer communicate at all with each other except with regard to any children they may have. The couple is, in fact, expected to make every effort to reconcile the marriage up until that point, and if there is any hope of a reconciliation, their priest won’t even contact the Tribunal for them.

Second, I take offense at your characterization of the Church’s response as being “eh… a Sacrament probably didn’t happen… go ahead and shack up with whoever you are dating now”.

The Catholic Church or her representatives have never been known to say such things, or anything even remotely like them.

No priest who means to keep his job has ever told anybody that it’s okay to “shack up” under any circumstances whatsoever, let alone while waiting for a Declaration of Nullity.

Catholics are not actually allowed to date until they actually have the Declaration of Nullity in their hands, with all three signatures on it.

Are there Catholics who date anyway - yes, there are. (In fact I know someone who hasn’t even got a divorce yet, who is already dating.) But they aren’t doing so on the advice of their priests. (Or of their lawyers, either, in certain cases.)

They just figure they know better than the Church.

 

[LilyM]

I agreed with all of your post except for this part.

Just for full disclosure, if I were in charge of a Tribunal, nobody would get Declaration of Nullity who hadn’t actually married a sibling, or been physically dragged to the ceremony kicking and screaming.

Why? If I marry someone who never had any intention of keeping their wedding vows, and if there was no indication before I married them that this would be the case - and some people do change after marriage, while others are good actors and lie through their teeth to hide their true intent and character - how is that my fault and why do I not deserve an annulment?

 

[jmcrae]

Why? If I marry someone who never had any intention of keeping their wedding vows, and if there was no indication before I married them that this would be the case - and some people do change after marriage, while others are good actors and lie through their teeth to hide their true intent and character - how is that my fault and why do I not deserve an annulment?

This is why it is absolutely essential to know who you are marrying, but I consider this the responsibility of the couple, ahead of time.

Of course, in my perfect world, the bum would not have been allowed to divorce you in the first place, and he would have known ahead of time that he wasn’t going to be allowed to divorce you, so he would have been a lot less motivated to have a “show-off wedding” with you. And if he walked out on you, my perfect judge would have awarded you 100% of his assets and wages until his death, with you giving him a monthly allowance - when or if you feel like it, and as you feel you can afford to.

 

[rpp]

I agreed with all of your post except for this part.

Just for full disclosure, if I were in charge of a Tribunal, nobody would get Declaration of Nullity who hadn’t actually married a sibling, or been physically dragged to the ceremony kicking and screaming.

I think there are other criteria that make a sacrament invalid. If you go to confession, and intentionally refuse to confess a particular sin, the absolution is not valid. If the rubric of Baptism are not followed the Baptism may not be valid. If a priest decides to make up his own prayer while attempting to confect the Host, the consecration may not be valid. Clearly there are actions, failures to act, or states of being that can invalidate a marriage.

If, as happened in my case, the spouses made pre-nuptial agreement as to how to divide assets in the event of a divorce, proving that they had no concept of marital permanence?

Or a couple, as was my case, who had agreed beforehand not to have children?

Or a couple, as was my case, where one person hid a major fact about herself that would have immediately caused me to refuse to marry her had I known?

Or a couple, as was my case, where one was not even a baptized Christian and both were atheists and self-proclaimed enemies of Christianity?

Or if, during the marriage, as was my case, one converts and the the other person divorces him because he converted?

Or if one of the souses had been married before and civilly divorced?

Or is, as was my case, one spouse, after the civil ceremony, refuses to consent the have the marriage convalidated in the Church?

While no one, least of all me, wants any tribunal to just handout annulments with the same glee and frequency as a divorce court judge does, there are certainly many different situations which can cause the sacrament to be invalid.

 

[LilyM]

This is why it is absolutely essential to know who you are marrying, but I consider this the responsibility of the couple, ahead of time.

There’s no such thing as any guarantee - ever - that you know another person, no matter how hard you may try.

As for not allowing him to divorce me? No thanks, I don’t want to be shackled in any way to someone who doesn’t want a real marriage - rather annul it (if it was entered into with bad faith on his part) so both of us can move on.

 

[tee_eff_em]

Just for full disclosure, if I were in charge of a Tribunal, nobody would get Declaration of Nullity who hadn’t actually married a sibling, or been physically dragged to the ceremony kicking and screaming.

Good thing you are not in charge of a tribunal then.

:twocents:
tee

 

[rusty20]

What about a marriage completely and utterly valid in the beginning, but results in the wife cheating on her husband? If the marriage was held by both as eternal and they both knew what they were doing and had a “valid” marriage, can it be annulled solely due to a cheating spouse?

If so, what is the justification? My initial reaction would be that the Church would claim the woman, who cheated, had no intentions of the marriage being permanent. This seems like a cop out to me. Assuming the couple truly knew what they were doing and were truly dedicated at the time of marriage, how can the church declare that a marraige never existed? Yet again, this seems to defy logic and appears to be some sort of cop out, for lack of a better term…

 

[jmcrae]

What about a marriage completely and utterly valid in the beginning, but results in the wife cheating on her husband? If the marriage was held by both as eternal and they both knew what they were doing and had a “valid” marriage, can it be annulled solely due to a cheating spouse?

No, not if that’s the only factor.

Of course, in real life, there are always a multitude of factors. People have reasons why they cheat, and sometimes the reasons point to invalidity in the marriage itself. (She didn’t know or understand that sex belongs only in marriage, for example, or her husband wasn’t meeting her physical needs, showing that he didn’t understand the responsibility that he was taking on when they got married, etc.)

 

[rusty20]

No, not if that’s the only factor.

Of course, in real life, there are always a multitude of factors. People have reasons why they cheat, and sometimes the reasons point to invalidity in the marriage itself. (She didn’t know or understand that sex belongs only in marriage, for example, or her husband wasn’t meeting her physical needs, showing that he didn’t understand the responsibility that he was taking on when they got married, etc.)

OK, that is a gigantic stretch. She didn’t know she was supposed to have sex only with him? You have to be joking right? I only ask these questions because in the event of an affair, the marriage could be 100% valid otherwise, and how is it annulled? If the reasons you stated are true church responses, then its clear they are not being realistic about annulments