B
Bill_7154
Guest
Many familes are disfunctional. Mine sure as heck was.
One classic example is the dad who is an alcoholic, maybe physically abusive to mom or kids, is typically angry and distant. And most alcoholics are ‘functional’ in that they are able to remain employed despite drinking alcoholicly for years, even decades. This is one way they justify they ‘don’t have a problem’. What they don’t do is provide a loving, nurturing, supportive enviornment for their kids to grow up in and they don’t provide a decent and loving husband for their wife. What often happens in such families is the wife becomes co-dependent on the husband’s illness.
Here is one basic description of co-dependency (taken from wiki): Codependency (or codependence, interdependency ) is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroin); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others
So while the non bolded might seem obvious, the bolded part is less obvious. . It’s something that happens over time, not overnight. Co-dependency, IMO, is hard for a person to accept (that they are in fact co-dependent).
I knew a woman who had a young adult son who was a drug addict. He used to go over to his mother’s house. She had a rule that he could visit her, but only when arranged in advance, and only when clean and sober. But this kid would frequently show up at her door, mostly looking for money. When she refused to let him in he would start yelling and causing a scene, which would be a successful set of behaviors he used to get away with getting around her rules, getting into the house, and then inevitibly getting money (for drugs).
I had a couple of discussions with her and explained to her that it would be better if she put no conditions on his visits at all than to say he can only visit when arranged in advance and only when clean and sober (and not looking for money) and then BREAK HER OWN RULES.
What was hardest for her to understand is that why she shouldn’t let him in when he is causing a scene in the hallway of her building outside her front door. Her argument: It’s embarrassing. It gets him to stop. So she saw that she was, in her mind, solving what was the problem.
Eventually I was able to get her to understand that it was 100% wrong for her to handle the situation that way. By handling the situation that way she was essentially TRAINING HER SON TO BEHAVE THAT WAY. How? Well when he did it he got what he wanted. Just like a kid being told no snack before dinner…then they throw a tantrum and get the cookie before dinner.
And it was also hurting her son, and their relationship, over the long term as well. By not sticking to her word…she was teaching her son that her word was not her word. That her word could not be trusted. This is not good for a child to think towards their parent.
So I helped her plan to use all the strength she could muster, and when he came knocking she warn him that she is going to call the police if he does not leave the property and she does NOT open the door under any circumstances.
Her behavior was classic co-dependent behavior and fed her son’s bad behavior (acting out and drug use) and also turned her into an emotional wreck.
So if you come from a disfunctional family (still live in one or grew up in one and didn’t get real help of some kind along the way) you run the risk of being, or becoming co-dependent. And you might make all sorts of excuses (in your mind very valid reasons, just like in this ladies mind), but in the end you are not helping to solve your problems OR the problems of any of your family members.
I pray that those of us who come from disfunctional families learn about co-dependency and the extreme importance of setting firm limits and then backing them up with action…or not setting limits in the first place.
Do you think the kid who got the cookie from throwing the temper tantrum is going to do that less or more after getting that cookie? He might do it every day, and he will also learn the general rule that trowing temper tantrums gets mommy and/or daddy to change ‘no’ to ‘yes’. It’s very effective in the moment in getting the kid to get what he wants. But in the long term the distruction that this will cause him will be tremendous. Temper tantrums don’t fly in this society. People get locked up in mental institutions for throwin temper tantrums, and are generally very unpleasant to be around. So those hypothetical parents are setting their kid up to be malcontented his entire life, to be generally disliked by others, and possibly wind up a ward of the state in the mental health system to one degree or another.
Co-dependency comes in many forms and shapes, but if there is family disfunction it’s good for all of us from such familes to check our own behavior to see if we engage in any co dependent behavior- and then address it so we don’t stay sick and so we don’t support the sickness of our family members.
God Bless,
Bill
One classic example is the dad who is an alcoholic, maybe physically abusive to mom or kids, is typically angry and distant. And most alcoholics are ‘functional’ in that they are able to remain employed despite drinking alcoholicly for years, even decades. This is one way they justify they ‘don’t have a problem’. What they don’t do is provide a loving, nurturing, supportive enviornment for their kids to grow up in and they don’t provide a decent and loving husband for their wife. What often happens in such families is the wife becomes co-dependent on the husband’s illness.
Here is one basic description of co-dependency (taken from wiki): Codependency (or codependence, interdependency ) is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroin); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others
So while the non bolded might seem obvious, the bolded part is less obvious. . It’s something that happens over time, not overnight. Co-dependency, IMO, is hard for a person to accept (that they are in fact co-dependent).
I knew a woman who had a young adult son who was a drug addict. He used to go over to his mother’s house. She had a rule that he could visit her, but only when arranged in advance, and only when clean and sober. But this kid would frequently show up at her door, mostly looking for money. When she refused to let him in he would start yelling and causing a scene, which would be a successful set of behaviors he used to get away with getting around her rules, getting into the house, and then inevitibly getting money (for drugs).
I had a couple of discussions with her and explained to her that it would be better if she put no conditions on his visits at all than to say he can only visit when arranged in advance and only when clean and sober (and not looking for money) and then BREAK HER OWN RULES.
What was hardest for her to understand is that why she shouldn’t let him in when he is causing a scene in the hallway of her building outside her front door. Her argument: It’s embarrassing. It gets him to stop. So she saw that she was, in her mind, solving what was the problem.
Eventually I was able to get her to understand that it was 100% wrong for her to handle the situation that way. By handling the situation that way she was essentially TRAINING HER SON TO BEHAVE THAT WAY. How? Well when he did it he got what he wanted. Just like a kid being told no snack before dinner…then they throw a tantrum and get the cookie before dinner.
And it was also hurting her son, and their relationship, over the long term as well. By not sticking to her word…she was teaching her son that her word was not her word. That her word could not be trusted. This is not good for a child to think towards their parent.
So I helped her plan to use all the strength she could muster, and when he came knocking she warn him that she is going to call the police if he does not leave the property and she does NOT open the door under any circumstances.
Her behavior was classic co-dependent behavior and fed her son’s bad behavior (acting out and drug use) and also turned her into an emotional wreck.
So if you come from a disfunctional family (still live in one or grew up in one and didn’t get real help of some kind along the way) you run the risk of being, or becoming co-dependent. And you might make all sorts of excuses (in your mind very valid reasons, just like in this ladies mind), but in the end you are not helping to solve your problems OR the problems of any of your family members.
I pray that those of us who come from disfunctional families learn about co-dependency and the extreme importance of setting firm limits and then backing them up with action…or not setting limits in the first place.
Do you think the kid who got the cookie from throwing the temper tantrum is going to do that less or more after getting that cookie? He might do it every day, and he will also learn the general rule that trowing temper tantrums gets mommy and/or daddy to change ‘no’ to ‘yes’. It’s very effective in the moment in getting the kid to get what he wants. But in the long term the distruction that this will cause him will be tremendous. Temper tantrums don’t fly in this society. People get locked up in mental institutions for throwin temper tantrums, and are generally very unpleasant to be around. So those hypothetical parents are setting their kid up to be malcontented his entire life, to be generally disliked by others, and possibly wind up a ward of the state in the mental health system to one degree or another.
Co-dependency comes in many forms and shapes, but if there is family disfunction it’s good for all of us from such familes to check our own behavior to see if we engage in any co dependent behavior- and then address it so we don’t stay sick and so we don’t support the sickness of our family members.
God Bless,
Bill
