Cohabiting while engaged

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Diamond93

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I know that cohabitation is a mortal sin, and that couples who do it are way more likely to divorce (if they ever even get married at all) than couples who don’t before marriage. But what about couples who get engaged, then cohabit together throughout their engagement, and then marry? Does that increase the risk of divorce exponentially as well? Or are they not as much at risk since they weren’t cohabiting as long as others? Does it matter the time you cohabit before marriage that will have an impact on whether or not you divorce? Or is all cohabitation equally bad on your chances at staying married, regardless of time length?

Also just as a disclaimer, I’m not saying that I would consider cohabiting while engaged before marriage myself, I would never cohabit period. I’m just asking out of curiosity is all.
 
Here’s my take:

A) “Can you do hard things?”

B) “Oh yeah, you know I can baby. I mean you know I’ll…”

A) “Mhmm, sure you can.”

B) “No, I mean it…”

A) “Uh huh. Yeah. I’ve heard all that before.”

B) “No, I’m different. I can do lots of hard things. I’ll be there for you. Always…”

A) "Oh sure.

B) “No, I’m serious!”

A) “So prove it. Right from the start.”

Prove it hard.

Peace.
 
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An engagement isn’t anything in the modern sense of the term. It makes no difference if one is affianced or shacking up as boyfriend/girlfriend. I know a ton of people who say they are engaged.
 
I knew only one couple who did that. They were both over 60 years old, widowed, and slept in separate bedrooms at opposite ends of the house.
 
The study most often cited is the national marriage project out of Rutgers University.

They do distinguish between “sliding” versus “deciding”.
 
Diamond93 said:
Or is all cohabitation equally bad on your chances at staying married, regardless of time length?
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Cohabitation isn’t a cause of divorce. It may be an indicator of how serious a couple takes their marriage. But it doesn’t mean that everyone who cohabitates isn’t serious about marriage, or is sinning. It doesn’t mean that if you cohabitate then your marriage is more likely to fail. There is no length of time which draws down the chances, like spending less time around radioactivity decreases the risk of radiation sickness.
 
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1Lord1Faith said:
Cohabitation isn’t a cause of divorce. It may be an indicator of how serious a couple takes their marriage.
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I would disagree. I think it is a direct cause.
My wife and I have done marraige preparation for quite sometime. Our experience is, almost always, couples who cohabitate are noticably less prepared for marraige. It seems counter intuitive until you have worked with many of these couples. They rarely, if ever, took the time to seriously discern if they should move in together, and then when they get engaged they don’t discern marraige as seriously because they assume they know what it’s like to be married to each other.
 
I’m not sure where you’re getting your stats from but…

My wife and I pretty much lived together after we were engaged for about 9 months. If, in the unlikely manner that we would, get divorced…having lived together for a bit before we got married wouldn’t have anything to do with it. My .02.
 
I am by no means saying that everyone we worked with will get a divorce who cohabitated. I am just saying that, based on our experience, those who cohabitate are less prepared for marriage.
 
tafan2 said:
I am by no means saying that everyone we worked with will get a divorce who cohabitated. I am just saying that, based on our experience, those who cohabitate are less prepared for marriage.
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That’s fair.

I was more asking the OP, @Diamond93 , where their stats were coming from. When someone speaks in near absolutes that make it sound like I (or in this case my wife and I) are in a small minority or very much an outlier…I like to know where/what that’s based on.
 
To the OP, the report linked by TheLittleLade above does address your specific question. Its worth reading, but the following quote comes from the report:
An important caveat must be inserted here.There is a growing understanding among researchers that different types and life-patterns of cohabitation must be distinguished clearly from each other.Cohabitation that is an immediate prelude to marriage,or prenuptial cohabitation—both partners plan to marry each other in the near future—is different from other forms.There is some evidence to support the proposition that living together for a short period of time with the person one intends to marry has no adverse effects on the subsequent marriage. Cohabitation in this case appears to be very similar to marriage;it merely takes place during the engagement period.11This proposition would appear to be less true,however,when one or both of the partners has had prior experience with cohabitation,or brings children into the relationship.
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@TheLittleLady thank you for linking the report. Perhaps years ago I had read it, kind of a deja vu feeling. It is certainly informative. I believe that some of their comments and findings line up quite well with the anecdotal evidence I mentioned above.
 
1Lord1Faith said:
Living with another person isn’t a sin. And it may in fact be the best thing to do under certain circumstances.
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An unmarried couple living together is a sin…at best it’s the sin of scandal and at worst it’s them fornicating.
 
1Lord1Faith said:
Why have you started this thread asking about it then?
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I was asking about the statistics on couples who cohabit during their engagements and how it affected their marriages and divorce risks, not whether or not cohabiting is a sin or not. Go back and read my post fully.
 
Okay. I guess I should have said, why are you insisting that everyone who lives together before marriage is sinning? IMO, such a view would be the result of a very narrow view of a very broad term.

The are hundreds of cultures and religions in the world. To think that all couples who live together before “getting married” (another very broad term, culturally speaking) are living in sin is a bit of a narrow POV.

But, I see where your point of view comes from. If it’s a scandalous sin in your circles, and seeing it would cause distress, then those who are effected by it in such a way should avoid it.

As you should have been able to tell by what’s been said in this thread, there is no causation from cohabitation to divorce. There is only correlation. That is what I tried to say in my first post, but someone “disagreed” then went on to reiterate what I actually said.
 
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I saw in your profile that it says you’re Roman Catholic. So I’m confused as to why you’re referring to what I’m saying as “in my circle?” It’s not my opinion- it’s the view of the Catholic Church, which you say you’re part of. Did you not know of this teaching from the Church?

And I disagree with you as far as the whole correlation/causation debate. I do believe that cohabitation causes divorce. It creates a mentality of people thinking that they can come and go as they please without any real commitment, given that they’re not married. And most of these couples base their relationship primarily on sex, when there’s so much more to a marriage than just sex. And that’s when the problems arise once they’re married. They realize that sex isn’t enough to make them love each other, and their problems are magnified within their marriage, and because they never learned how to have a proper relationship that isn’t based largely on just having sex, they don’t know how to fix their problems and wind up divorcing for that reason. Cohabitation is very much a cause of divorce, as it creates an uncommitted mentality and one based on shallow premises.
 
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