Communication issues with fiance

[Kristie]

Hello everybody,

Lately my fiance and I have been having communication issues. Our wedding is coming up pretty soon, so a lot of our time, energy, attention and communication has been about wedding related things. Although these wedding tasks do need to be taken care of, I feel like communication about more important things has broken down. This has also contributed to us arguing a lot, sometimes saying hurtful things, and holding resentment against each other because we never communicated, or didn’t communicate clearly to the other person.

I keep wanting us to start fresh, but it’s hard. I think both me and my fiance are still hurt over some of the mean things we’ve said and done to each other and the lack of communication has just increased the distance between us. My fiance used to tell me that our talks were the best part of the day. Now it’s often not even part of the day. I don’t know where to begin to even fix things. Please help. Thank you and God bless you all.

Kristie

 

[Eileen_T]

Speaking from 34 years of experience, I advise you to get it sorted NOW!!! If you leave it, it will only get worse after you marry.

Go to this site ftp://217.160.246.215/pub/audionet/Desert_Voice/DesertVoice_Fr_Robert_Altier/Marriage/ and listen to the Marriage Preparation talks given, especially on Communication. If your fiance won’t listen to them with you, hear the Warning Bells.

I only listened to these talks a week or two ago but I suspect my marriage would have been a whole lot different - and better - if I had heard them before we married.

 

[shirleytowers]

Maybe this is your subconscious’s way of telling you NOT to get married. Or he is getting cold feet. Or maybe it’s just the stress. Take a little time to yourselves–a nice leisurely dinner out, for example–and see if it resolves. If it doesn’t, don’t get married until you figure it out.

I have been married almost eight years and we hardly ever have had a harsh word in all that time. Fighting need not be part of a relationship! Do you choose to be in a lifelong relationship in which there is frequent fighting?

 

[jman507]

Possibly you could trying to organize your time together, like at this such and such a time we will plan out that this will be a time to meet for planning out the wedding. Other times especially plan out time to talk nothing about wedding planning. Also try to hold off any business when you meet for the first 15-30 minutes, unless your meeting about the wedding. Delegate out what you can. Try to get a some dates in. Your marriage is more important than your wedding.

Why not apologize for the mean stuff you have said? Why not try to do something special for the other? If the other doesn’t reciporcate right away, it might take a little time.

Also if you could find a long married couple that you admire, why not try to take some time to meet with them? Atleast there they can see your situation a bit closer. If you want to come here to vent, you can do that too.

You two are in my prayers.

 

[Red_Meg]

For what it’s worth-- one of the most important things I’ve learned in almost fifteen years of marriage is the importance of being willing to say, “I’m sorry.”

Even, and especially, when I think it’s really all his fault.

Because the fact is, even if the disagreement at hand really is mostly his fault, I, not being a saint (yet) don’t respond in a Christ-like fashion to whatever unkindness may come from his mouth. I react with pride or anger or spite… So even though I didn’t “start it” I still have something to apologize for.

So I do apologize. And it really helps. Because that first little step helps him (who has probably already figured out on some level that he screwed up) also apologize.

I know it’s certainly worked the other way for me as well-- there have definitely been times when I did “start it,” intentionally or not, and my husband is a big enough, decent enough man to still acknowledge his (smaller) part in it and get the ball rolling by apologizing.

I hope this makes sense??

Margaret

PS We have also, always, tried to avoid letting “disagreements” turn into “fights.” If one of us starts to raise our voice, (usually me!) that’s the cue that’s it’s time to back away from the issue and approach it again when we’re calmer. Maybe just a few minutes or hours later, or maybe the next day…

 

[lotusblossom]

Coming from someone who just got married less than 6 months ago, I understand the breakdown in communication. My husband was two states away majority of that time too, and we graduated two months before we got married, so I was over-the-top busy from about January onward, while he was pretty free most of the time.

First, I would say, take a break. Arrange a day or an afternoon to go out and do something fun together. Sit down and have a long talk, esp. regarding hurting eachother in the past. If you don’t sort through this before the wedding, afterwards could be even harder because you’ve built up this resentment and hurt.

Also, remember that your wedding day is just a day, so whatever plans don’t get accomplished, you’ll still be able to get married (unless you haven’t found a priest yet or marriage prep is part of the busy-ness). We were doing things up til the day of the wedding and we still forgot things, but it was a beautiful day and now I’m able to look back on it and laugh at those things and have every day with my spouse .

For my husband and I, during the time we were together, we prayed each morning and would read some good marriage prep book together (usually a chapter per night). That helped us keep our focus on our marriage rather than the wedding day. We would also do once a week check-ups on eachother, making sure we were being the best fiance/fiancee that we could be. That really helped us communicate and once again keep our focus in the right direction.

If you are feeling too overwhelmed, delegate if you can or forget doing some things. Believe me, you won’t regret it.