Conversations with mother are stressful

[Glutamine]

I’m looking for some advice, thoughts, comments about a particular situation regarding my mother (I am her son).

Anyways, every now and then, she’ll call me and complain about how my dad is spending money on this or that, or that he gave away garden vegetables to other family members. In the past, these things would inevitably ensue: (1) I would try to convince her that its not worth worrying about (especially when we’re talking about items that are not expensive or even free that my dad is giving away); (2) eventually, I would just get frustrated/upset and tell her animatedly that she needs to stop worrying about money and let the issue go; (3) I’ll feel guilty for snapping at her and then feel like I didn’t support my mom. This is especially the case when she asks me to try to convince my dad to do what she wants.

The past couple of times, I have tried to just go yes, yes, uh-huh. Maybe she just needs to vent. I don’t think I should try to convince her of a different viewpoint anymore. At the same time, though, I don’t want to see her “suffer” and be miserable, especially over silly things such as a few bag of veggies.

For context, my mother is very frugal/cheap to the point that where she needs a pair of shoes, she refuses to buy one. I’ve gifted her a pair of new sneakers and she doesn’t wear them. After so many years, I’ve come to think that this frugality/cheapness is almost an affliction.

Other context:
(1) I don’t have an issue if that is the way she chooses to live.
(2) I do feel bad that she won’t/doesn’t want to enjoy some semblance of a “normal” life.
(3) I also don’t want to do what she wants me to do such as try to convince my dad to listen to her. I don’t want to get in the middle nor do I think it is proper to do so.
(4) I’m the only one that she can “talk” to about this.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Maybe your mom just needs a person to listen, not a person to fix things. Listen, hear her, remind her that you love her.

I’m that frugal mom who wears one pair of shoes til they fall apart

 

[Irishmom2]

I second the “maybe she just wants you to listen” point. I have said that to my husband: I am not asking you to fix anything, I just need you to listen.

Has she come right out and asked you to try and change your fathers mind or way of doing things? Or is it that you just feel like that’s what she wants? She may be venting and that’s all.

 

[Clementine14]

Parents shouldn’t be complaining to their children about the other parents, even if their “kids” are adults. It’s not fair of her to put you in the middle and especially not fair to ask you to address the issue with your father. You’re right that you shouldn’t involve yourself.

I think you should address it with her directly- when she tells you she’s upset that he spent money on something, tell her that she needs to work it out with him herself instead of asking you to get involved. Don’t try to convince her that she’s worrying about nothing- her feelings are valid but she’s expressing them to the wrong person. She needs to talk to him or a counselor, not her son.

 

[DarkLight]

Parents shouldn’t be complaining to their children about the other parents, even if their “kids” are adults. It’s not fair of her to put you in the middle and especially not fair to ask you to address the issue with your father. You’re right that you shouldn’t involve yourself.

This is my thought as well. She may very well want to vent, but her daughter is really not the appropriate person to vent to. She would be better served by venting to a female friend who is not an involved party.

It’s ok, as her daughter, to politely say “That sounds frustrating, but I don’t think I’m the right person to hear it! Are you enjoying the weather lately?” Repeat as needed.

 

[Glutamine]

Thanks all for your replies.

LittleLady/Irishmom: In the past, I tried to give her advice, etc., but more recently, I have not and have just listened. But the issue as I described, is when it ventures into the territory of (1) asking what I think of the problem or trying to confirm her point of view (e.g. asking whether I think that my father should not have given stuff away) and (2) asking me to convince my dad to do otherwise, etc.

Clementine/darklight: You have echoed my thoughts on this. I have told her before, that I can’t do what she wants me to do. This whole father giving away stuff/mom getting upset/then father gets angry/then mom calls me cycle repeats after every few months or so. My mom says that I’m the only one that she can confide in.

It looks like I’ll just have to listen, say that I can’t intervene when she asks me to, simply state that I have a different viewpoint when asked to confirm her point of view or say that that is a tough situation, and the most important thing I think is to not get frustrated myself.

Part of the frustration is with my mom not changing, partly that I don’t want to see my mom so distressed (if she wasn’t so hung up on money, she would have a much more peaceful life), and partly that I feel this burden whenever she comes to me with these issues

 

[DarkLight]

This may be very slightly manipulative, but when she says you’re the only one she can confide in, I’d be very tempted to start enthusiastically suggesting ways for her to get to know other people.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, I agree with DarkLight. Your mom needs more friends, or a therapist to guide her. If she is asking you to actively change your dads mind or say he is wrong, that crosses the line.

 

[1ke]

“Mom, I love you both. I’m not going to get into the middle of your personal life with dad, take sides, or be a go between. I"m also not going to listen to you “vent” anymore because as I said I love you both and this puts me in an awkward position. You need to discuss your feelings and thoughts directly with Dad and come to a consensus. If you need a third party, get a neutral third party counselor.”

Rinse. Repeat.

Be a broken record. Mom, I love you and Dad…

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Part of the frustration is with my mom not changing, partly that I don’t want to see my mom so distressed (if she wasn’t so hung up on money, she would have a much more peaceful life), and partly that I feel this burden whenever she comes to me with these issues

Your mom sounds like she has an emotional disorder/ dysfunction/ problem related to money. Usually this is rooted in some past trauma that could go way back. It could possibly have a physical illness component as well (brain dysfunction of some sort). I have known a few people like this (fortunately not in my family). If she doesn’t want to take steps to get over it, such as by seeing a counselor, then that is her choice. She may actually be very comfortable with the level of turmoil in her life, or it may have gone on so long she doesn’t know how to be any other way. She may also think of these issues as being so private she doesn’t want to vent “outside the family”, and you are “family” so you’re safe.

You have two choices: either do what you said about “just have to listen, say that I can’t intervene…not get frustrated myself” or else do what 1ke said and keep telling your mom you love her but you’re not going to listen or participate in this any more.

I do not think you should be trying to get your mom to make new friends so she can “vent” to them. No friend is going to want to continuously sit through these conversations you’re describing. About the third time your mom brought up the same drama, most people would suddenly find some reason to be busy the next time your mom called them. If your mom is the least bit open to going to some kind of counselor, that would be an option, but it is quite possible she isn’t open to that idea.