Cutting my mother out of my life: is this wrong

[Cgonzalez36]

Hello, I am so confused. I love my mother and wish to have her in my life IF we had a normal relationship. Let me start from the beginning. I was became pregnant at 18. I married because of my guilt and knowing it was the right thing to do. Giving my child a family. It was a huge mistake. My husband at the time was very aggressive and physically abusive towards me while I was caring our child. Needless to say I divorced him when my daughter was almost 1 year old. I tired to keep thing civil with him - I tired to give him and his family access to visit my daughter. MY MOTHER did not approve of this. She wanted him out of our lives and my daughter to have no communication with him or his family. This caused fights, arguments, physical fights between he and my father. All stated up because my mother did not want my daughter to have a relationship with her father and his family. My mother was very possessive of my daughter and my love. Fast forward 10 years and I am still a single mother living with my parents. I decided I needed to move out and make a life for my daughter and I without my mother ruling over every single decision I made and how it would impact my own daughter. This was another disaster - my mother crying and pretending she is having heart problems all to get us back under her roof.
I met my now husband when my daughter was 12. He is a wonderful man. He too is divorced with children with ex-wife we have tried to make things work as a blended family as much as we can. He has a hard time understanding how my mother ruled my life. He is very much about discipline and structure. Something my daughter has never been used to. Any time I wanted to discipline when she was younger my parents would jump in a stop me. She was a baby and I had to let her be. My daughter is now 17 and having a really tough time with our new structured life. I have found secret conversations between her and my mother about how she can run away from here. We live 3 hours away from my mothers home and I have tired to keep distance because she causes me so much mental stress. I have recently started to break out in hives when talking to my mother. Her words are so and still trying to control me.
I need control of my own life - is it wrong for me to distance myself from my mother further? I cry and pray for answers. This is a very broad overview of what I have dealt with with my mother. I love her but I am so confused. I know we must honor our father and our mother. If I lose my daughter because of my mother I would likely cut her off completely. I have tried to set boundaries but she does not respect them. I see her Mothers Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas - I speak with her on the phone at least once and week and I end up in hives every single time.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad daughter? I don’t want my daughter to do this to me one day.

 

[dollysro]

“Normal” relationships are something from 1950s tv.
You put a lot of blame on your mom and though the things she did weren’t right, you stayed.
Your parents gave you and your daughter a home for ten years.
You’re not a bad daughter. Your mom’s not a bad mother. And I would guess your dad is not a bad dad.
And if you don’t want your daughter to walk out on you, then don’t cut ties with your own mom.
Take responsibility for your actions, act like an adult and communicate with your mom and your daughter.

 

[angel12]

is it wrong for me to distance myself from my mother further?

No, no, no. It is NOT wrong. She’s gone from affecting you emotionally to affecting physically – the hives are a very strong sign that you need to make a change. You’re first responsibility is to your husband and daughter, not to her. Three visits a year and weekly phone calls are way too much with someone who refuses to respect your wishes.
There’s a book called “Boundaries.” I highly recommend it.

 

[1ke]

is it wrong for me to distance myself from my mother further?

No. It isn’t.

I’m sorry that she has run over you your whole life.

At 17 it’s going to be hard to change a lifetime of bad habits your daughter has accumulated. Try to work with your husband not to be overly authoritarian and drive her away. Perhaps get the 3 of you into some family counseling to work through the damage your mother has done.

Is there something wrong with me?

No. You need some counseling to get out of this abusive cycle.

Am I a bad daughter?

No.

I don’t want my daughter to do this to me one day.

Get the two of you into counseling. You can have a good relationship with her if you work at it now. And of course, let her expand her wings and grow as an adult. You don’t sound like you want to be a controlling mother and that you love her very much.

Get some family counseling to help your daughter see that grandma’s manipulation isn’t healthy for HER either.

 

[Legend]

You say a lot, but you also leave a lot out. Does your daughter still see her natural father? Any of his family?

I’m not so sure that your new husband’s ‘strict’ rules are what’s best for your daughter. Plus, your mother practically raised her, it seems. Once you settle any ‘running away’ plans you may cut down the time you spend with your mother. But, you shouldn’t cut your daughter off…even if it’s only internet and phone calls!

I know, I’m thinking out loud. But try to think things out. And work with a professional!

 

[Cgonzalez36]

No my daughter does not see her natural father or his family at all and I do not plan on cutting communication between my mother and my daughter completely. I know that would hurt and damage my daughter.

Its so hard. My feeling and thoughts are everywhere. I love my mother and do not want to do this. I just feel my mental health is deteriorating and am concerned about the hives i break out when i do speak to her or have her over. I thought I had a food allergy but they pop up only when I’m around my mother.

 

[Cgonzalez36]

Just sharing my feelings and thoughts. I know there are a lot of spots and I did not want to write a novel on this forum. I am seeing a therapist and taking my daughter to one. I just needed an outlet where i can ask questions on what i feel without feeling I am paying for counseling.

I pray every day - multiple times a day for guidance and answers. I know GOD will help us through this rough patch. I don’t want to say goodbye forever I just need some healthy Space. I need to stay connected to my parents - my father has Parkinson’s and his health is deteriorating.

We try to have a good home Lead by God and his word. I just feel something is poisoning what we are trying to form and work as a family. I know my mother is my mother - and I MUST HONOR MY PARENTS. I just need a break - I am out of words.

 

[Viki63]

Dear sister,
Honoring your parents does NOT mean letting them run roughshod over your life. I agree with Angel12 – it may be time to stop the phone calls with your mother. Your first duty is to your husband and daughter, and since your mother can’t respect your boundaries, you need to limit contact with her. Especially if she’s advising your daughter to run away!
I’m very glad you’re in therapy and your daughter is, but consider family counseling together, and if possible include your husband…

 

[Cgonzalez36]

Yes, Family counseling is our next step. Appreciate your kind words.

 

[lilypadrees]

Family Counseling with you, your mother, your daughter and your husband. Everyone needs to work together to end this emotionally destructive cycle.

 

[DarkLight]

“Normal” relationships are something from 1950s tv.
You put a lot of blame on your mom and though the things she did weren’t right, you stayed.
Your parents gave you and your daughter a home for ten years.
You’re not a bad daughter. Your mom’s not a bad mother. And I would guess your dad is not a bad dad.
And if you don’t want your daughter to walk out on you, then don’t cut ties with your own mom.
Take responsibility for your actions, act like an adult and communicate with your mom and your daughter.

No offense, but sometimes staying with parents can very well also be due to manipulation.

I tried to follow the “act like an adult and communicate with your mom” advice for years. Never worked, and I finally figured out it was because my mother didn’t want to communicate with me like an adult. In fact it made her angrier because she wanted me to communicate with her like an obedient child, and was upset that I dared to want to act like an adult.

There’s a lot we don’t know from a forum post. But if the daughter is literally breaking out in hives when talking to her, I’d bet it’s beyond the point where “communication” is going to help. I suspect a lot of this is beyond a forum post, especially since with OP’s daughter being nearly 18 and able to make her own choices. @Cgonzalez36, I would encourage you to set up a counselor for your daughter to see for herself as well, if she’s at all willing. Not someone you’re seeing for family counseling, but someone just to support and help her.

 

[Cgonzalez36]

Yes, I stayed with my parents those 10 years because I wanted to be a “good daughter” I had already done so wrong in their eyes: Pregnant, married and divorced all before I was 21! I tried so hard to make them proud of me. I relinquished control to my mother to please her - all I was doing was feeding her need to control my life and fix what I had done wrong. – if that make sense.

 

[JanetF]

Honoring your parents does NOT mean letting them run roughshod over your life. I agree with Angel12 – it may be time to stop the phone calls with your mother.

This! If you don’t feel you can stop the phone calls entirely, what about changing from weekly to monthly, and see if things improve. It sounds to me like the hives are a reaction to the anxiety caused by talking to your mom.

 

[Cgonzalez36]

Thank you everyone. My plan is to forgive my mother - I think she is sick but refuses to get help. Forgive, let my heart heal, focus on my husband and daughter. Family Therapy. And limit interaction with my mother for a while.

Many Blessings to everyone. Appreciate your time in reading and advising.

 

[DarkLight]

I might be cautious with family therapy. Unfortunately many family therapists aren’t really trained in dealing with this personality. I’ve seen how my mother can convince people that she’s got no idea what’s going on and put up a convincing front even to therapists. Totally different from when it’s just me and her, but she claims to have no idea what happened!

 

[Cgonzalez36]

Update: My daughter has left home. I am so broken and alone. Prayers of unity and family reconciliation are needed. She is 17 and considered an adult in our state. I have never felt this grief and pain in my heart.

 

[Legend]

That’s too bad. Do you know where she is, at least? Hope she contacts you soon.

 

[Legend]

I’ve looked at some of your ‘Prayer Intentions’. Seems your husband won’t even allow her to return! That’s sad. But, you’ve gone thru tough times before, and come out OK. May the Lord look after your daughter, and mau she feel his care. So strongly that it becomes impossible for her to ignore Him! May your husband’s strictness and disappointment be tempered with love. Please Lord Heal this family!

 

[Eleni1]

Hello. I don’t know exactly your situation. But I am a Mother and have two Adult children. My daughter still lives with us her choice. I don’t get upset with her or angry over what she chooses to do is her life and her experience. She asks me for an advice I advise her to the best of my knowledge I also tell her visit your therapist to get a neutral perspective with no emotions attached. Yes is our kids but we do not own them or is our possessions. Our kids carry mix of our DNA and develop their own personality as well. I am not that type of a Mother my kids have to owner me for Mother’s day or need to give me a gift especially if I know they are struggling for money or if they have their kids for my son and need to provide for them. They do as they feel you can’t demand love or how someone else feels you earn it slowly and with good behavior and love. My kids love me and I let them do something on their own rather than obligated them because I raised them because it was my duty as a Mom and it was my choice to bring them to this world and they don’t own me. Some parents have unreasonable expectations. For example my father cannot let go my Mom divorce him due to him abusing her in order for me to be a good kid to his mind I have to bring my Mom back to him. How can I do that my Mom has her own free will something that God gave us my Mom in not my possession or what I want to happen. So unreasonable expectations out parents have is not easy to honor. Sometimes honoring your parents it can be seeing a therapist and helping them when you see them expecting stuff with out reasoning and demanding because they are hurting inside and are stuck not enabling their behavior to be a good kid. If your parents are healthy then you will have a beautiful loving mutual caring relationship not demanding or with guilt. For your daughter if you can find her please visit a therapist listen how she feels. Sometimes kids run away from the drama and too much pressure. I hope you can find your daughter.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

I’m going to play a little bit of devils advocate here— so please bear with!

From your OP I get the feeling your mom got really scared when she saw you enter into an abusive marriage as a teenager, and stepped in to help you escape this man (by taking you and DD into her home).
This part is the picture of a parent who cares.

But then, you tried to stand on your own two feet, but she wanted to continue to call the shots in your life.
This part is bad.

My guess is she’s motivated by fear.

At the same time, you do have the right to grow and change, and assuming your life is better now, she need to let go, even if she’s scared.

On the other, other hand, she and DD should NOT be going behind your back

I’m so sorry. Sometimes life just gets real messy and tangled.

I’ll remember you all in my prayers ray:t2: