Daughter in law difficulty

[CTS]

Background:-
After falling out with my son some years ago, my daughter in law took it upon herself to establish communication with me and to include me as part of the family by informing me of various family matters/milestones of grandkids etc.
At the beginning one of our conversations she spent a great deal of time (estimate 20-30mins) illustrating by giving an example of a co-worker who was religious “thrusting down her throat his religious views” . She is not catholic but was raised Baptist, I think. At any rate she had studied the Bible and even at her Church taught classes to other children, so she knows the Bible. Thus religion was not to be brought into our conversations.

So for years I never mentioned anything to do with my Catholic Faith, not even saying I was at Mass, instead not to give offense I would say I was at Church. There was one occasion I was asked somthing to do with the Faith, but I believe she was really asking me on behalf of her husband/my son as it was to do with moral ethics etc.

As far as I can remember, I have said comments along the lines of I’m prayering for …/ Thanks be to God only on two maybe three occasions. One was recently when my son (with whom I reconciled with about a year ago, and I believe this occurred through her influence to a greater part). My son recently got the position he was hoping for, and so I said “Thanks be to God” - not as loudly as I wished, but also whilst saying it realised I shouldn’t have as doing so would offend her.

At any rate, since this conversion she has stopped calling (two days short of a month now), was texting about an achievement of a grandchild with some photos, but otherwise silence. The average length of time between phone calls was 10days.

So yesterday I sent a text asking if she was ok. as this is not her usual behaviour (the silence), it out of character for her. Whilst she did texted back, the reason given for the silence was that for the past few weeks she has had a really sore throat, pain moves around, ear noises when swallowing etc. But knowing her as I do and how close she is to her side of the family and other circumstances, I am sure she is still talking on the phone with her mother/grandmother/friends. There was no reply to the last two texts I sent. Knowing the family situation she would not be avoiding talking on the phone with others to ease her throat. Whilst I do think there is some issue with her throat etc, I do not believe it is severe enough to stop talking, and I know she would not stop phoning her mother/grandmother - she is extremely close to both.

 

[Irishmom2]

I really doubt that you saying “Thanks be to God” is the reason she didn’t answer your texts. I really think not mentioning you went to mass is over the top. Stop walking on eggshells that you yourself have thrown down. I think that you are overthinking too many things.

I have two sons and a daughter. My daughter is not going to speak with her future mother-in-law as often or as deeply as she is going to talk to me. If I have daughter-in-laws, I would never expect her to spend as much time talking to me as she does her parents or siblings.

I am happy you have reconciled with your son, but I think you need to not place unrealistic expectations on your daughter-in-law.

 

[JMMJ]

No offense, but you are not her mother or her grandmother. I would hope her relationships with those two women may be closer than her relationship with you. This is to be expected. She has known them her whole life. If she isn’t feeling well and can only muster energy for a certain number of phone calls, her mother and grandmother probably are the ones who are receiving the calls. If you know she is sick, why not make her some soup and visit her and let her know you hope she is feeling better soon. if you are able, offer to look after your grandchildren to give her some rest.I really think you are overthinking the situation.

 

[Legend]

Yes…plus, I’ve had colds and sore throats that have kept me in bed for weeks! Her mom and grandma will probably always come first, but then, haven’t they always?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she isn’t feeling well. If this silence persists, maybe ask your son if there’s anything wrong.

I doubt this has anything to do with you saying Thanks Be to God.

Her communications with her own mom and her friends are not your business. Of course she’s going to be talking to her mom, grandma and close friends more than she does with her in-laws. Everybody I know would prioritize communications with mom, grandma and close friends over in-laws, unless they have some strained relationship with their own blood family and kind of “adopted” the in-laws as their own parents, which isn’t the case for most people.

 

[Clementine14]

But knowing her as I do and how close she is to her side of the family and other circumstances, I am sure she is still talking on the phone with her mother/grandmother/friends. There was no reply to the last two texts I sent. Knowing the family situation she would not be avoiding talking on the phone with others to ease her throat. Whilst I do think there is some issue with her throat etc, I do not believe it is severe enough to stop talking, and I know she would not stop phoning her mother/grandmother - she is extremely close to both.

I talk to my mother all the time. I only occasionally text with my MIL, and very rarely talk to her on the phone. I’m close to my mom. That’s normal. I don’t owe my MIL the same kind of contact- we don’t have the same kind of relationship.

I think you’re being a bit paranoid and obsessing too much, down to the number of days between phone calls. Someone saying “thanks be to God” wouldn’t bother most people, even if they are not religious. If she says she is sick, believe her and offer to help rather than assuming she’s exaggerating or getting jealous of her mother. Don’t overthink the situation. Let her contact you when she is feeling better and wants to.

 

[dollysro]

I feel the difficulty is much more with your son than dil.
Please know how blessed you are to have a dil who has done so much to keep the lines of communication open. Perhaps ask her how she is feeling rather than dwelling on her lack of responsiveness.
Just sayin’

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

I would say: drop the subject and continue on as if nothing happened.

 

[Rozellelily]

Hi @CTS

Welcome to the forum
Have you considered just sending a text saying “I don’t want to bother you as I know your feeling sick,I hope you feel better soon and let me know if you need anything such as some food brought over” etc?
I wouldn’t take it personally or have assumptions-as others mentioned a daughter is naturally going to have a closer relationship with her own mother,that’s to be expected.

Even if she was so sensitive to religion that this really was her true cause it would come out eventually in a different way.
For now just don’t worry.
You mentioned your relationship with your son is much better now,maybe you could just ask him a general question like is everything with (wife’s name) ok and see what he says?

 

[CTS]

Thankyou to everyone who has replied to my post. I have been unable to reply until now, so I hope no-one has been offended. There was an issue preventing my from replying or contacting anyone - all I could do was “like” a post, so I hope you realised I was reading what you wrote and took on board your comments.

There was a second part I had written but due to the issue above I couldn’t, but I guess it’s irrelevant now.

Irishmom2 I get where you are coming from, and yes, I too would think that assumption is over the top. But unfortunately, at the start of our relationship my dil made it clear she did not want to hear me mention anything about Catholicism. She also has told me why she is against Catholicism. I didn’t think to include that bit of info. But it really is about “religion”.
Yes - it is natural to be closer to your own mother but for reasons concerning her relationship with her mother which she has intimated to me, I believe our relationship is just as close. As her mother works long hours and due to other family factors, I know she calls me more often. In the past, she has texted me that she considers me to be her best friend and another mother to her.
JMMJ The last paragraph I think applies to your first 4 sentences. This health issue of a sore throat has been going on for over a month now, it’s not as if she is down with a cold or flu or tonsilitis which are short lived in general. My dil lives several hours drive from me and I can’t drive that far myself due to my own health issues.

 

[CTS]

Tis_Bearself thanks for the suggestion. Trouble is, the Catholic faith was the reason why my son and I fell out all those years ago. And due to his job which is shiftwork, I don’t know when to text etc incase I wake him. Also it’s been ages since he and I have “talked”. His texts are not regular and only about superficial things. In the past year he has only spoken to my once on the phone and then the topics were superficial. But I take whatever I get.
I wish it wasn’t due to religion. I assure you this is a “banned topic” and formed the guidelines of our relationship, it was not to be mentioned as that is seen as “forcing my religion” onto her. So topics are secular in nature only, I don’t say much at all, just listen for most of the conversation in order that I don’t upset her as I know she holds the key to my having contact with the grandkids. She is the one who rings and I get to talk to them at Christmas and on their birthdays. As my son really doesn’t ring, I doubt I’d have much contact with my grandkids at all.
That’s just how it is, sadly.

Her communications with her own mom and her friends are not your business

of course not - I’v never made that comparison nor asked for info regarding anything to do with her family. I’ve always been supportive and positive. I was just trying to show that if she can still talk to her family, then the throat issue can’t be bad enough, and yes, I realise you prioritise whom you speak to and for how long etc., I was just trying to show that it isn’t serious enough to exclude talking to anyone.

Everybody I know would prioritize communications with mom, grandma and close friends over in-laws, unless they have some strained relationship with their own blood family and kind of “adopted” the in-laws as their own parents, which isn’t the case for most people.

There are issues here, and these play in part for different reasons why she and I have grown so close.
Clementine14 but my dil and I are just as close or in some ways closer as there are things she has confided to me that she hasn’t told her mother or others, or so she said. We are just as close.

down to the number of days between phone calls.

I mentioned that only to illustrate that her usual pattern was to call on average about 7-10 days, sometimes twice a week, sometimes it might be two weeks. I was trying to show that this over a month is not how it usually is between us. There have been other instances I could relate, but as this is publicly searchable, I don’t think that’s wise. Please see my comments about her opinion of Catholicism - she’s explained to me in detail why she’s so against it, and also why she doesn’t want any reference or religious talk during our conversations - that was the conditions of her phoning me and us having any conversation/contact. Its sad but that was how it was outlined to me at the beginning of our phone relationship.

 

[CTS]

I feel the difficulty is much more with your son than dil.
Please know how blessed you are to have a dil who has done so much to keep the lines of communication open. Perhaps ask her how she is feeling rather than dwelling on her lack of responsiveness.

oh so true! And I do realise that it is due to her why I have any contact with my grandkids, know how they’re doing and I also believe it is due to her influence why my son and I reconciled. She says not, but I think she did.

However, they still have a negative opinion of me.

That’s so sad, and I’m sorry to hear that. Thank you for your prayers. And your right - love, patience, and kindness is needed.

I would say: drop the subject and continue on as if nothing happened.

Great advice and that’s exactly what I plan on doing.

Rozellelily thank you for the warm welcome and your commonsense comments.