Daughter wants to be a surrogate mother

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Poodledog

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I’m a long time lurker but first time poster. I hope I’m doing this right, the internets are not something I’m very good at but I’m beside of myself. I’m a Catholic with 7 children all raised strongly in the faith. My oldest daughter (M) is 26. I’ve been told from my sister in law, who heard from her daughter my daughter is going to be a surrogate mother. She is very close to her cousin so i’m confident this is true. M has always been easily swayed to the liberal, “politically correct” side of things despite my and my husbands trying to teach her our views as aligned with the church. Surely this goes against Catholic teachings?! I don’t understand how she could do this, especially since she has 2 beautiful children of her own. How can she feel this child move, nurture this child, birth this child, and then just hand him over anyway? I need advice as to what to do or say to her. How to confront her? She’s hard to advise as she thinks she is always right. I don’t believe she has been implanted 😖 yet, I’d love to nip it in the bud before it begins. If you don’t have advice I’d love prayers to change her mind.
 
Poodledog said:
Surely this goes against Catholic teachings?!
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Yes. See Donum Vitae and Dignitas Personae, and the sixth commandment in the Catechism for more detailed discussion.
Poodledog said:
I don’t understand how she could do this, especially since she has 2 beautiful children of her own.
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As with many things in this arena (AI, sperm/egg donation, surrogacy) the person often sees it as a charitable act. It’s misguided, but that is usually their motive-- unless the motive is money, which also happens frequently.
Poodledog said:
I need advice as to what to do or say to her.
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Well, first, stop operating on rumors and ask her.

If she confirms that she plans to do this, then discuss it with her after educating yourself on Church teaching (see above). I suggest you not “confront” her. And, be prepared that you may not change her mind and will have to accept that your 26 year older daughter is her own agent and can do things you disagree with and that she will have to live with.
 
I think this is one of those times when you, the parent of an adult child, need to be able to be at peace with the fact that you have done your job of educating your children in the Faith and then realize that as adults, they are free to make their own decisions.

I feel like there are threads like this all over the place on here — parents who are disappointed that their adult children are having babies out of wedlock, parents whose children are homosexual or transgender, parents whose child did not marry in the Church, parents who fear their married children are using contraception because they haven’t had children after being married for a long time, the list goes on and on. The consensus is usually the same: you can tell them what the Church teaches, and that’s pretty much all you can do. If they choose to go against it, don’t alienate them. Let them know that while you don’t approve of what they’re doing, you will always love them and be in their life.

And of course pray for them.
 
I talked to my daughter this weekend and it seems she has already gone through with it. I realize she is an adult and all I can do is pray but it is so difficult to watch your child make these horrible choices. To make matters worse she is using her own eggs to make a homosexual couple parents. So I’ll have a grandbaby out there being raised by two men.
 
Poodledog said:
I talked to my daughter this weekend and it seems she has already gone through with it. I realize she is an adult and all I can do is pray but it is so difficult to watch your child make these horrible choices. To make matters worse she is using her own eggs to make a homosexual couple parents. So I’ll have a grandbaby out there being raised by two men.
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And that is the moral crime people never seem to talk about. These selfish sins really do affect others. I pray your daughter has a safe pregnancy. Putting one’s life at risk (pregnancy) is not a good idea in this situation. My cousin is planning to be half of the gay couple in a situation like this. Sigh…
 
It sounds like your relationship with her has always been high conflict?
Pray for her and your grandchild.
Have Masses said for everybody involved (don’t tell her you’re doing this, it will only make her dig in her heels)
She already knows what she’s doing goes against Church teaching. If she confronts you directly, then state your case in one sentence and then let it drop.
There are a lot of reasons she could be choosing this path, but don’t let it wreck your happiness. You have six other kids who need you, also.
❤️:pray:t2:
 
Poodledog said:
So I’ll have a grandbaby out there being raised by two men.
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Maybe. It is just as possible that she decides she cannot give the child up and retains custody.

Remember, guard your words and your actions, be loving to your daughter. The other 6 kids are learning how you will react should they ever make a sin or mistake that you learn about.

Your daughter will, at some point, need a soft place to land. Be that soft place for her.
 
TheLittleLady said:
The other 6 kids are learning how you will react should they ever make a sin or mistake that you learn about.
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This is SO important to keep in mind.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a handbook of “Crap Your Kids Might Spring On You And How To Respond Awesomely” LOL
 
That must be heartbreaking! Is there any chance she could change her mind? My prayers for everyone involved!
 
TheLittleLady said:
It is just as possible that she decides she cannot give the child up and retains custody.
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Allegra said:
Is there any chance she could change her mind?
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I’ve been praying she would but as my sister pointed out they could still fight for custody as one of them are the biological father. I am keeping this from her siblings and trying hard not to let it worry me too much.
 
She may be right. I would think that the father would be able to apply for at least some custody. I understand that the laws concerning this practice aren’t the same from state to state and can vary significantly.
 
Poodledog said:
To make matters worse she is using her own eggs to make a homosexual couple parents
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Wow, so she is not just a surrogate in the usual sense (woman carrying a child created from another couple’s eggs and sperm) but will be the child’s biological mother. I would think that would make it even harder to give up the child after birth. She surely would have the right to at least partial custody should she choose to fight for it. Hard situation; prayers for you and all involved!
 
Yes. Not all areas in the world give rights to a “surrogate” mother to keep her children if she changes her mind.
 
I am heartbreaking to hear your very sad situation which may involve these potential grandchildren!

I understand that your context that make the procedure legal is against you. Many, including your daughter, maybe see legal as equal as moral.

If you try to argue your daughter against her project, you don’t need to do with religious arguments alone. There is enough scientistic/psychological/legal/concern for the children born this way/concern for the rights of the mother that can be used.

A surrogacy procedure cannot be ethical, whatever the circunstances, paid or not. And a lot of femists disagree with.

You can inform yourself on all this.

Perhaps you may explain her all your worry and objections. You may ask her motives. And if whe waits a compensation(versus not) see why, and how with her she may solve her economic difficulties/or worry for the future otherwise than this procedure.

You may not change her mind. What you can only do on your part is to fight surrogacy around you, on a local or international level if you wish to. There is enough initiatives.

You have my prayers.
 
Except in this case, shes actually the biological mother, and I think that would make a legal difference in many places.
 
I hope she has a legal contract that she has taken to a lawyer to look over. I’ve heard of some surrogate mothers being stuck with large medical bills through no fault of their own. Also it may give her some rights.
 
Hi! I’m 26 and have thought of this! Also, I always think I’m right 😉 the thing that changed my mind is, it’s not natural, we are not God and I don’t think he would approve of this at all. It’s not our job to create life FOR SOMEONE else. Maybe this person isn’t meant to be a mother? Or maybe they are meant to adopt a child? I understand your daughter has a good heart, because doing this is selfless and that’s what it takes. She thinks she’s strong enough to do this for someone else and is trying to give the gift of life to another woman. Problem is God is the giver of life. I pray she sees this like I did. No matter how you do approach the situation, it’s your job to speak up as a mother. God bless and good luck!
 
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