Dealing with Baby Fever & Infertility

[LovingWife822]

I am a young married woman who is unable to conceive children of my own. For the past 2 years I have suffered from heartbreak and extreme baby fever. I feel empty and lost. I want a child so badly. My husband and I plan to adopt but not until I finish nursing school and work for a while. How do I cope with this? I love being with children but am also overcome with great sadness when I have to leave them knowing I will go back to my home where I do not have my own child. I do wish more than anything I could experience the joy of pregnancy but I would be glad to have a child at all. I know I need to wait but how do I deal with the pain while I do?

 

[Trishie]

I don’t know what to say that will help you on a day to day basis.
It’s easy to say, pray, seek counseling to help you cope, make the best of the gift of love and comfort you give the little ones in hospital, trust in God.
You know all those things.

Perhaps the most useful thing I could say might be,
The child God desires to entrust you with is perhaps not born yet, or has not yet arrived at the sad time and situation where he or she desperately needs you or that fact is known. Meantime pray with all your heart each day for this precious child that God wishes for you and your husband in the fullness of that time.

That’s about all I know to say, except that I feel for your sorrow and daily hurt, and will add my prayers to yours.

 

[LovingWife822]

Thank you for your response. I know that it is not about me and my desires but about the child who will one day need me, and what God’s plan for me is. But I also am human and it is hard for me to accept that I cannot just have a child. It will be a long road for me.

Your message has comforted me. It has been a hard few days and I tend to torture myself with watching lots of birthing and baby videos. I know God’s will will be done through me. It will just take time.

 

[Trishie]

I do understand about your wanting to connect with the baby videos, and the birthing ones, but immediately felt do some concern about your torturing yourself with these videos.
The way I might express it to you as a nurse-in-training, what would you advise another lovely lady who cannot adopt just yet not to obsess in a way that makes her pain even more intolerable?
Mightn’t you advise her that doing this premature compulsion might also lead to health issues?

I only say this because I’m worried about you

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

I’m sorry for your cross. I’ll remember you in my prayers.
This is the type of loss that can really be the impetus for a deep life with Jesus and a truly radical trust.
But you also need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself—eating right, exercise, fresh air and sunshine, plenty of sleep.
Nursing school curriculum is extremely information-dense, so I know you’re working real hard to reach that goal, and the stress of school can make you stressed in other areas of your life.

We Catholics value life, and culturally, we value large families, but step back and consider Mary—one Baby. No grandbabies.
There is more than one way to be a Catholic woman.

You have a great deal to offer, whether you have children or not. There’s a whole hurting world out there who needs the nurture of smart, caring women like you.

God bless ray:t2:

 

[LovingWife822]

Thank you so much for your concern. I hope my need to take care of others will be partially alleviated when I start working. As of right now I’m a student and homemaker so giving me something else that helps keep me occupied I think will be helpful. I also have two amazing doggies that I love taking care of. I am trying to stay away from the videos for now but it is hard when babies are on my mind a lot of the time.

 

[LovingWife822]

I never thought of it from this perspective! It is hard being Catholic and not having children but looking at it through a Marian lens is certainly helpful. It’s also hard because people tend to assume, and some (not many but a few) judgmental people can look at my husband and I as a couple and wonder how we haven’t gotten pregnant after 5 years of marriage. I also wonder if people may wonder if we are using birth control because I’m not very open about our fertility issues. Thank you for your support.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I feel empty and lost. I want a child so badly

I hear you; you are not alone in this struggle. My husband and I are also going through the same thing (except not quite as long for us); it has been 3.5 years of marriage with no children or pregnancies except one little chemical pregnancy that ended a few days after I discovered it. Infertility is a terribly painful thing and rarely ever discussed in Catholic circles. I will pray for you and your husband!

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

Why do you need to wait? Just sit with this for a moment. What if you are being called to adopt right now… If you were given the blessing of being able to conceive right now would you?

This is all so highly personal. I’m just offering a thought and a real question. This drive, this want, this need inside you to have a child… How do you know the timing is not right now?

 

[LovingWife822]

Good question. First of all, I do want to finish school and be a registered nurse. With my husband completing his own masters degree and working full-time, it just doesn’t seem feasible. Secondly, my husband does not earn enough at the moment to support the both of us as well as a child. Thirdly, my husband has expressed that he isn’t ready (mentally, emotionally or maturity-wise) yet to adopt a child.

It is hard because my mother and husband can tend to be a bit dismissive of my feelings. They immediately respond with “You can’t have a baby now! You have to do x,y,z first!”, which I do agree with. I just am attempting to share my feelings of longing and desire for a child and that it has been bothering me. The burden is heavier without having anyone to talk to. But they seem to assume I am trying to convince them it’s a good idea right this very moment and don’t want to talk about it.

My husband can be a bit of a pessimist.

The other day when I brought up the idea of foster care for the future, his response wasn’t exactly what I had hoped for. He responded immediately with a lot of worries and concerns, which is fine, but that isn’t how I feel about it. I would love to take care of a baby who doesn’t have anyone else, and fostering carries the ability to adopt if the child cannot go back to their biological families.

 

[TheLittleLady]

“Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted”.

Keep telling God “I trust in you!”. He offers peace that passes all understanding.

I’d suggest Fr Phillipe’s small but mighty book “Searching For and Maintaining Peace”

“Offer up your suffering” sounds so trite sometimes, but, St Pope John Paul II’s writings on the redemptive value of suffering are powerful.

 

[JanetF]

I never thought of it from this perspective! It is hard being Catholic and not having children but looking at it through a Marian lens is certainly helpful. It’s also hard because people tend to assume, and some (not many but a few) judgmental people can look at my husband and I as a couple and wonder how we haven’t gotten pregnant after 5 years of marriage. I also wonder if people may wonder if we are using birth control because I’m not very open about our fertility issues. Thank you for your support.

I didn’t get pregnant for more than 10 years of marriage. People need to not be nosy! It’s no one’s business unless YOU CHOOSE to make it their business.

With respect to having to wait to adopt, I would suggest getting involved in activities that can take your mind off the lack of a child at this time. Avoid the baby videos! I do think once you start working you will find yourself busier than you are as a student and the time may fly by and then finally you may be at the stage where you and your husband are ready to adopt. Until that time pray for patience.