I’m a social worker in the field of Elder Services, we help keep people out of nursing homes as long as is possible, and help provide respite care to family members who are the primary caregivers. PM me if you want some info about what’s out there.
Before my MS got too bad to work, I was a nurse and worked in nursing homes. Out of the many that I worked at, there was only one that I would recommend to anyone. Most are just awful places. So nursing homes should ALWAYS be considered an absolutely last resort. And if it did come to that, RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH! The financial issue is very important, too. If it comes down to Medicare/Medicaid paying for it, you don’t have a lot of choice where he gets placed, and that’s rarely a good thing.
The “stranger fear” is very common. Anything that takes him outside his day-to-day routine is going to be frightening.
I would strongly suggest you try to find a care giver support group in your area. Check with your hospital or parish and see if there is anything out there for you. Just being able to share with others, network for resources and support, may make it seem a bit more manageable. Especially since you can’t bring anyone into the home to help you. If you don’t take care of you, your husband, and your marriage, you will be of no use to your FIL. Take care of you so you can take care of him.
I will keep you in my prayers.
~Liza
This is an extremely good suggestion. Even just having a place to vent is a must. But these groups are great for knowing the resources in your community, also!
You can only take things one day at a time.
Be careful with the stove. Put a sign on it that says “Broken, do not use” or disconnect and reconnect it just when you need to use it.
You can use pill containers that are only filled up for that one day, and your husband can refill the containers every day that way he’s not taking two or three days the meds for lunch, but if he can’t keep track of time somebody might need to stay on him.
Check the medications hes on, overdoseing, which is very common for people with sliding facilities can be seriously detrimental to health, and side effects of some of the medicines may contribute to his mental state. Next time you go to a doctor talk about side effects and if any worry you possible alternative medications.
I agree, I would disconnect the stove when you’re gone. You definitely need to be discussing everything with his doctors. There again is a wonderful resource for suggestions and care.
You also might want to consider one of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” buttons. While he’s still fairly aware, he might find himself needing help when alone and they can be a lifesaver. Obviously if he doesn’t understand the concept, it would be a waste of time, though.
As far as him not remembering that you’re married, not knowing the time of year, etc. you’re just going to have to get a thick skin. There may come a time when he gets downright nasty (some dementia patients do, some don’t). It’s very important to remember the man he was before the dementia set in, especially your husband. It can be very hard to see a parent get so ill. Here again, a support group can really come in handy, just to vent.
As far as the other siblings go, they’re just going to have to get their heads out of the sand about this. You and your husband need all the help you can get NOW. Perhaps you need to find a reason for the both of you to be out for an extended period of time (a whole day and evening) and “force” one of them to watch him. Maybe that will bring the point home a bit to see how he is for more than a couple of hours at a time.
I wish you all the best and you are all in my prayers! You are truly a blessing for your family!!
Good luck and God bless!!
Trish
