Desperately Need Help - Angry About Cohabitation Culture

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sparklingcyder

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Hello. I am currently 49 years old and a cradle Catholic. While I am most definitely a believer, my family and I are not the type to attend church every Sunday. I have never had a romantic relationship due to depression although I desperately want to get married.

Here is my situation which has been deeply perturbing me for years. How is it that cohabitation culture has become so accepted in society, particularly among Catholics today? While my parents don’t approve of this, many parents of their generation approve of this or stay quiet. It’s like they don’t care or have just given up. I am VERY TROUBLED because a young mid-30s Catholic gentleman I know who happens to be my niece’s godfather, and a man who was raised in a very Catholic household (he even has an aunt who is a Catholic nun), has had at least 3 promiscuous relationships before getting married. He lived with his current wife for one year before getting married in the Church. I can’t be certain but I am pretty sure his wife, also in her mid 30s, probably had several sexual partners before their marriage also. The groom’s partners that I am aware of are a nurse during his medical residency that he unceremoniously discarded when he tired of her, another woman that he lived with on and off, and his current wife. I have found myself ruminating about this situation for the past few weeks.

I would like to point out that these are good, kind people and wish them all the best in their marriage. I assume that they were also probably much less promiscuous than the average 30 something. I am also very surprised by the way that most parents have accepted the current cohabitation culture. My parents totally disappove of cohabitation, but it seems that most parents of adult children either don’t care, expect their children to cohabit, or don’t voice their disapproval. When couples say that living together doesn’t hurt anyone, yes, it does. It hurts people like me. It makes me feel like a freak and the odd woman out. This situation started decades ago in the general culture, but I am alarmed at how it is now generally accepted in the Catholic culture nowadays.

Also, on a practical level, I find the idea of living together completely detrimental to society at large, harmful to men, and extremely harmful to women, both emotionally and financially. I cannot believe that supposedly “smart” women who should know better, are willing to live with a man with no strings attached knowing that said man can easily walk away and discard them like yesterday’s garbage. Also, don’t Catholic men feel any guilt at all about living with a woman outside of marriage? I’m not talking about slipping up once or twice and asking God for forgiveness. I am talking about living together which to me feels so “in your face” and like brazenly mocking God’s laws and telling society you don’t care about following God’s established rules for living a moral life.

How am I supposed to deal with the extreme anger and bitterness I feel? I try to pray and do my best to get along with all these people as I have to live in today’s “modern” society, but I am feeling increasingly despondent.

May God bless you all.
 
The pop-culture/mass media propagated lie of the “benefits” of living together has had disastrous effects on marriage.

The “trial runs” lead to the majority women being used for sex, bill sharing and dwelling maintenance only to be discarded somewhere between the third and sixth years.

Within a year, the dumper marries someone else.

You’re on the right track and stop fretting over what other people do!
Remember, it’s only one-per-box. Don’t be fooled by what you see going on around you.

Date to discover compatibility and have fun. Tell him early on that you won’t have sex outside marriage. If a user, look for the poof. Count your blessing and quickly move on to the next man.

This man has been looking for you…, JUST you. He won’t be scared or run.

Type in browser, “Mark Regnerus, cheap sex and the decline of marriage.”
You should be able to read the whole article before WSJ cuts you off.
 
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sparklingcyder said:
While I am most definitely a believer, my family and I are not the type to attend church every Sunday.
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So, I would suggest you address this before anything else. Start attending Mass on Sundays and Holy Days.

This is basically a speck in their eye versus a plank in your eye situation, if I may borrow from Scripture.
sparklingcyder said:
I have never had a romantic relationship due to depression although I desperately want to get married.
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Depression needs professional assistance, please get with a mental health professional about your depression. And, if you already have a therapist talk to them about your despondency over couples cohabiting, I think these are tied together.
 
Welcome to the forum.
sparklingcyder said:
my family and I are not the type to attend church every Sunday.
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sparklingcyder said:
How am I supposed to deal with the extreme anger and bitterness I feel? I try to pray and do my best to get along with all these people as I have to live in today’s “modern” society, but I am feeling increasingly despondent.
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The answer to your final question is contained in your first paragraph.

Return to the practice of the Faith. Make an appointment with your priest, return to the Sacraments. Make Mass a priority in your life.

Without the Sacraments, despair and despondency are going to consume you.

Get your relationship with God in order, then your relationship with your fellow man and it will allow you to again see joy.
 
Only if/when i’m invited to attend something seen as immoral, what other people do is none of my business. Just pray for them.
 
I would gently suggest that perhaps you are getting a little too involved in the premarital situation of an adult man in his 30s who’s not even a member of your own family (apart from being godfather to your niece). He and his wife didn’t live as they did to personally spite you or make you feel freakish. They probably aren’t even thinking of you at all, and other than casual social contact, you shouldn’t be thinking of them either. You also don’t know the whole story of the interactions between him and his parents; for all you know they have been quietly disapproving for years and saying they wish he would get married and praying over it, but they chose not to make a big public denouncement for whatever reason - maybe because they love their child too much for that, maybe because they like to be private about their feelings, maybe because they didn’t want to risk driving him further from the Church.

Your post gives the impression that you are jealous that these people who lived lives that you think were sinful and “promiscuous” are now getting married and you aren’t.

I think the best way to deal with your anger and bitterness would be to put these people out of your mind, pray to God to help you get rid of your negative feelings, and also pray for God to show you the way forward for yourself and help you stop being so concerned with other people’s business.

You might also find ways to meet more Catholic people who truly live in the Catholic manner, like you do. (Apart from the fact that you aren’t going to Mass regularly, apparently, which as someone else already pointed out is a big “plank in your eye” and something you need to address ASAP - it is a sin to miss Mass on Sunday or Holy day of obligation without a good excuse such as illness.) Such as through Catholic singles conferences and Catholic dating sites.
 
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You have already received excellent advice, which I will try and summarize:

You should go back to church. If you haven’t been for a long time, talk to the priest in charge, concerning anything that is expected of you.

Look for men who follow your morals and interests. Don’t settle for less, hoping to change someone.

Stop obsessing on the morals/lack thereof in others! Work on your own life, until you find you’re not thinking of them any more! This will make you both happier, and more attractive…no one wants to be with someone who’s always complaining/frowning.

Best wishes, and God Bless!
 
Tis_Bearself said:
Your post gives the impression that you are jealous that these people who lived lives that you think were sinful and “promiscuous” are now getting married and you aren’t.
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I too wonder if this isn’t the underlying root cause of the problem , in the extreme anger and bitterness.

Other posters have offered you @sparklingcyder excellent advice, so I will not repeat what has already been recommended.

May God grant @sparklingcyder peace in this matter.
 
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A bit of “elder brother syndrome”, where we say “I did all of the RIGHT things, I was good and did not go off like the prodigal son, yet, he gets the party, it is not fair!”.
 
I think one other thing to keep in mind is that for a lot of people, marriage is a step up out of the sinful life they’ve been living. It’s not so much a prize at the end of the rainbow for doing everything right, it’s a lifeboat out of an empty and messy life of doing stuff wrong.
 
sparklingcyder said:
How am I supposed to deal with the extreme anger and bitterness I feel?
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First, by figuring out why you are so upset.

Is it jealousy because they’re in romantic relationships that you would likely have?

Do you feel lonely because you hold a minority opinion (it is hard to stand apart from the crowd like this 🙂) and you don’t want to be the lone crackpot?

Are you having fear of missing out?

You’re walking a certain spiritual path. And one that isn’t easy in this day and age. It’s natural to feel a bit funny sometimes and it’s reasonable to want other people to see it the way you do.

But this is something you’re going to have to release your attachment to. Our society doesn’t support classical Christian morality, and you’re going to need to decide what you’re going to do and release the bitterness along the way.

How you release this bitterness mostly depends on what’s feeding the bitterness.

Peace 🙂❤️:pray:t2:
 
The problem for me personally, Is that every time you want to follow the church, someone will say, “you’re judging me”. Why is that, and maybe lots of people hear that as well?
 
I want to thank everyone for their insightful replies. They’ve been very helpful. I will make an effort to attend Sunday mass, although I think this is part of my depression. I have been regularly treated by psychiatrists since I was 17. In fact, the next to last psychiatrist that I saw - my sister’s colleague (she is a doctor) happened to be cohabiting with his girlfriend. I obviously could not open up to him about my anger. Ever since adolescence, I was made to feel unattractive by the opposite sex. In recent years, the only men who approach me are much older or men I am not attracted to (there has to be some spark). A huge part of the problem is that I look much younger than my chronological age (thanks sunblock), People usually think that I am in my early 30s. I would love to marry a man in his 30s, but if I tell him that I will turn 50 in 2 months most will probably run for the hills. I have recently tried only dating and have been very disappointed. Even after stating that I have very conservative and traditional values, I’ve had numerous separated men contacting me. It seems that their only criteria is that the woman live within a 5 mile radius. Also, I would like to date a decent, traditional man (not a weirdo) who won’t freak out because I haven’t had a prior relationship due to my depression. I am financially independent, so money is not an issue and I would be willing to move to the ends of the earth if I met the love of my life.
 
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sparklingcyder said:
I would love to marry a man in his 30s, but if I tell him that I will turn 50 in 2 months most will probably run for the hills
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I don’t know why you would want to date a man 20 years younger than you. They are in a completely different place than you in their life.

My husband is only 5.5 years older than me and we already talk about the issues surrounding him being retirement age much sooner than me, etc.
sparklingcyder said:
I have recently tried only dating and have been very disappointed.
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I assume you mean online dating. Online dating takes just at much work and caution as traditional dating.
 
I’ve honestly lived a very sheltered life. I’m sorry, but people who’ve led a “clean life”, i.e. have not slept around, done street drugs, smoked, and taken care of their skin tend to look much younger than their age. I’ve never had children, so I don’t look haggard (I’m not saying that all parents look haggard). I have seen both men and women in their mid-30s who look far older than I do. Not only that, they have far more rambunctious life experience than I do - I have never had multiple live in relationships, never divorced, never had to fight for child support, in essence…I have never had any of these traumatic experiences which definitely “age” you…perhaps not in chronological years, but certainly in mental years. This is why I feel more comfortable dating/marrying someone in his mid-30s. I truly hope someone understands what I’m getting at.
 
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Yes…Of course a man in his 50’s is more likely to be divorced or widow than a man 20 years younger… More likely to have children or not ben married because he feel confortable enough alone…

But I don’t see why a conservative, decent man, who works full time, and is healthy, and in his mid 30s would like to marry a woman in her 50’s who would not give him children.

Despite how younger she looks, a woman cannot change her reproductive age, that is very central in marriage plan.

certainely some men may be interested, but I see more for a relationship (not marriage) of a man who feel he has less choice because he has no job, or so jobs stability, becaue of a serious illness or a disability or have a low self esteem, or have some brokeness because of a difficult past…
 
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