Discerning marrige and chemistry

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elohimrules

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any advice? I am discerning marrying someone who we have been best friends for 20 years. We both love each other deeply and cant imagine loosing the other to anyone else. The only thing is I dont feel like lightning bolt chemistry with him. Is this just an american concept of love or is it necessary for a good marriage. He is trustworthy, sensitive, kind, all the good qualities you can imagine and he loves me deeply and I love him as well. But I dont feel butterflies around him. I think weve known each other for so long. I mean in our 20s we messed around a bit and had fun then and there were some butterflies but now were both in our 40’s and well we just dont have the hormones that we used too lol? So pray for me as i discern if this a direction God wants me to go to. Everyone I know tells me to marry him they just love him to pieces. He is truly a great man with great character to go with it!
 
It’s normal to not feel lightning/butterflies after twenty years and also easy to put too much emphasis on it in secular circles. America is way too much of a broad stroke.

As one emotionally matures, physical/superficial values decrease and presence, respect and commitment increase. (Or at least they should.)
 
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Does the idea of physical intimacy with each other turn either of you off? If so, I would say that is a dealbreaker unless you are in the market for an unconventional marriage.
 
ive been raped before. so ive had a problem with all my relationships. after i have sex with them i come up with excuses to break up with them. He loves me so much he has agreed to not have intercourse with me but we could do everything else. So ya i guess it is unconventional.
 
elohimrules said:
ive been raped before. so ive had a problem with all my relationships. after i have sex with them i come up with excuses to break up with them. He loves me so much he has agreed to not have intercourse with me but we could do everything else. So ya i guess it is unconventional.
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Are you Catholic? If you discuss this with a priest before a wedding, I expect he will not approve it, because of the covenant is lifelong, exclusive, and granting the gift of (proper charitable) conjugal relations.
 
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Please, sit down with your priest.

Praying for your healing from the trauma 😦
 
“Butterflies” are baloney; they are not going to last you for another 20 years of marriage. They will not even last you for 5. Maybe not even for 1.

Marry your best friend. You won’t regret it.
elohimrules said:
He loves me so much he has agreed to not have intercourse with me but we could do everything else.
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This, however, is a concern. The concern is not that this man loves you, but that a couple planning to be married in the Catholic church but agreeing not to have intercourse but doing everything else, are not following the Catholic teaching on marriage.
I am sorry you had a bad experience in the past.
But please do discuss with your priest as there are a lot of issues of sin and potential marriage invalidity with this.
 
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I am not under a vow of celibacy and yes i will talk to my priest i think that is the best way to go. thanks everyone 😉 God bless! Pray for my discernment in this matter.
 
i want answer that in your forties, and after 20 years of friendship, butterflies don’t count at all for a good marriage!

but with seeing your correction, i cannot because, letting the marriage unconsumed by mutual agreement is not a problem and solve the question of UNattraction. yet, if you plan to do everything else (if i understand correctly: something sexual but not intercourse) is not compatible with a catholic wedding.
 
I think you should ask yourself why you would want to marry…at all! You don’t want sex, you’re in your 40’s, and you seem happy with your friend. Are other people influencing you?

But, it does seem like you have unresolved feelings, stemming from the rape. These should be worked out before thinking of marriage. Are you getting counseling? If not, get some!

I’m wishing the best for you. Talk with your priest, and with your counselor, if you have one. If you don’t, try and find one soon. Ask your priest to recommend someone.

God Bless!
 
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