Divorced, Non-Catholic In-Laws in New Relationships Staying at our House?

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Hello all,

My husband and I have just purchased our first home, which we are excited to share with our visiting family in the future. While we are ecstatic over this development, we have an unfortunate situation that will come to a head in the near future, now that we have a home with ample hosting space. This issue is made worse by foolish choices we made early on in our relationship, and I need advice about how to handle it.

I am a cradle Catholic, with a strong Catholic family. My husband wasn’t even baptized when we met, but he converted about 5 years ago. Our faith now is strong and continues to grow. His father is lapsed, and his mother is an atheist. His parents divorced very acrimoniously about 8 years ago, and are both in new relationships now–his father is legally “remarried,” and his mother lives with her “forever boyfriend.” His parents were married in a valid Catholic ceremony, but neither believes they have done anything wrong by divorcing and remarrying/cohabiting. It is not a good situation, but it is the situation that we have. They are loving people who have been welcoming to me, and I do love them very much.

Both of his parents are going to want to stay with us at some point, and they are going to expect to be sleeping in the same room, in the same bed, with their “significant others.” I cannot blame them either, because over the course of our dating relationship, my husband and I slept in the same bed in both of their homes, quite regularly. This is something that we are not proud of, and have confessed–not just because of our idiotic and damaging lack of chastity, but because of the horrific scandal we gave to his family when we could have been a great witness. It weighs heavily on me now, because I feel like a hypocrite for not wanting my in-laws sleeping in the same beds as their lovers if they come visit.

I am disturbed by this eventuality not just because I am acutely aware of what it could mean for us to help his parents materially sin in our own home, but for the precedent it might set for when we have children, which hope will be very soon. This is something I would like handled before children come on the scene, because I believe it is critical that when we tell our kids about the reality of marriage (that it is for life, even if Grandma and Grandpa are making choices we think are wrong) that we show them it matters at home.

However, when this topic came up with my husband recently, he told me that there’s no way he’s telling his parents and their lovers that they can’t sleep in the same bed in our house. I dropped it at the time, because this is a future issue, not one we currently must handle, but I wanted to know if I was totally out of line for thinking we should insist on this when the time comes, even if it involves being very frank with his family that we did a poor job living our values as a young couple, and that we are sorry for being hypocritical now, but we feel this is a critical issue and a boundary we can’t cross.

What are your thoughts? Thank you for any advice you might have.
 
Here is how I look at it.

You do not have children now. Your in-laws are adults. You cannot police them and what goes on in the bed they sleep in or who they are now married to or not married to. That is between them and God, and not you.

By the time your children are actually old enough to understand all that Catholicism requires to be asking questions, you won’t have to explain much. Until then, you don’t need to go into your in-laws past histories. So, don’t borrow trouble from tomorrow. 😉
 
Thank you Irishmom2 for the reply. I am curious though–beyond the issue of whether this is something we’ll have to handle with our future kids, isn’t there a problem with helping my in-laws sin in my own home, where I have a say in how people behave? I’m not asking to be contrary, but it does seem like the one time I have the ability to say, these are the rules, and you’re welcome to stay here if you follow them. I of course can’t police what they do in their bed, or in their lives, but I can say that certain behavior stays outside the four walls of my home–at least, that is what my gut tells me. However, I am genuinely seeking advice and other thoughts, so thank you for your words, and I will take them into consideration.
 
I really don’t think there is any way that you are going to be able to tell them your house rules without causing drama and bad feelings that will negatively impact your relationship with not only your in-laws, but possibly your husband as well. If anyone was going to say something, it would come from your husband to his parents. And as he has said he is unwilling to tell them, I think you need to let this go.
 
OP, I’m concerned that your husband isn’t taking your discomfort with this situation into account. I realize these are his parents, but the house is also yours, not just his, and when people get married their primary loyalty needs to be to their spouse, not their parents. In addition, your husband is a Catholic and should have some regard for what is going on under his roof. If you put the parents in separate bedrooms and they still chose, using their free will as adults, to sneak into the same bedroom in the night, at least you would have done your part in making the effort.

I would suggest that you and your husband discuss with your priest. I’m sure you’re not the first couple who has had to deal with this type of situation involving parents.
 
KiraNerys said:
I’m not asking to be contrary, but it does seem like the one time I have the ability to say, these are the rules, and you’re welcome to stay here if you follow them. I of course can’t police what they do in their bed, or in their lives, but I can say that certain behavior stays outside the four walls of my home–at least, that is what my gut tells me.
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If I’m wrong about this then the world is a creepier place than I thought, but most people dont do…it…while visiting other people’s houses. I can think of one cousin that is an exception and has concieved children while visiting relatives 🤮
 
Hello Tis_Bearself–thank you for your thoughts on this, which lean towards how I feel. I was actually very surprised that my husband was on a different page than me, and he was equally surprised that I feel so strongly about this, I think. We definitely disagree, and he is leaning towards Irishmom2’s position, that it isn’t our job to legislate their morality, even in our home. I do very strongly believe that it is wrong for us to materially help them to sin (and not because they’ll “do it” in our house, but because we are treating them as if they are validly married or in relationship with their significant others, even if that is false). I am also very concerned about what this will say to our kids someday. I’m concerned about setting the precedent now, because I want to keep them away from those questions as long as I can. I know we can’t protect them from this completely, and obviously we will have to discuss the divorce issue with them someday, but how can that be anything but wildly confusing to a kid that someone they love deeply is doing the absolute opposite of something that we believe is acceptable?

We will definitely talk to a priest, but we might also be able to solve this simply: twin beds. Tough to sleep with your lover in one of those!
 
Twin beds sounds like a GREAT idea. If they choose to push them together, or both pile into one, then it’s on them. And if they say, “We can’t sleep in these” and head off to a hotel…problem solved 😃
 
This question came up on Catholic Answers LIVE not long ago. Jimmy Akin was taking calls

It was maybe this one


My advice is that, as a mature adult, “having sex” is the very last thing I would do when staying in someone else’s house. That is just to exhibitionist, no one wants their friend/family to hear that going on!
 
I have to agree that you’re borrowing trouble if you are worrying about what your hypothetical children being scandalized by your adult in-laws sharing a bedroom. IF (and that’s a big “if”) you conceived tonight, you have a good six or seven years before these non-existent children even notice where Grandma and Grandpa sleep, let alone the intricacies of divorce and remarriage. Also, if they ever visit their grandparents, their sleeping arrangements will be pretty obvious. Are you also going to prevent those visits?

It’s pretty easy to explain that while other people do X, in our family we do Y, with age-appropriate explanations. It’s a skill that good parents develop when they face different approaches to everything from junk food to TV-viewing to moral standards.

As to your own discomfort, their engaging in sexual relations has very little to do with your condoning it. They will or will not whether they’re in your house or a hotel. Actually, the likelihood is probably higher if they are in a hotel. (I remember very clearly whispering to my DH to stop tossing and turning when we stayed at my mother’s house because I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea.)

If maintaining a good relationship with your in-laws is important to you (as it seems to be to your husband), I really don’t think you can impose your values on them without coming across as hypocritical, given your own history. I fear it would seem that you’d be saying “when we wanted to have sexual relations without the benefit of a sacramental marriage, it was okay, but now that we can have those relations, we’re setting ourselves up to judge the morality of what you are doing.”
 
KiraNerys said:
I cannot blame them either, because over the course of our dating relationship, my husband and I slept in the same bed in both of their homes, quite regularly.
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Yeah, you’re going to look pretty hypocritical if you try to enforce rules which you happily violated when it suited you.

Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where somebody is going to end up unhappy, no matter what you do. Even if you get your way in this situation, I don’t think you’re going to like the long-term fallout. My advice is to bite your tongue and just let this go.
 
Thanks for the candor Book_Worm. You and ChuckB are right–we really shot ourselves in the foot by being hypocritical when we were younger. Wish I could go back and change it, but all we can do is move forward.

You are right that I’m worrying about something in the future. The kids issue will be a big one but hasn’t yet arrived; then again, I do worry about “changing the rules” once any kids are old enough to understand what’s going on, and I sure as hell don’t think it’s any less hypocritical to tell my kids “if you get divorced and remarried without an annulment, that’s adultery, but also we tolerate that from Grandma and Grandpa.” That seems ill-advised.

Additionally, I feel pretty confident that, even if my in-laws aren’t doing it in my house, materially cooperating in their adulterous relationships is still something we’d have to confess. That’s my primary concern at the moment. My past failings don’t give me the right to make additional poor choices to save face.

But again, you are all right. I should probably just take a deep breath about this and talk to a priest, and then just…figure it out when the time comes. I do appreciate everyone being forthright, so thanks for that. I will also try not to be weird and judgmental.
 
I am going to take the religion out of it for a minute and approach it from a practical standpoint.

Do you love your parents? Does your husband love your parents? Do you hope to have a healthy, loving relationship with them for years to come? Do you hope your future children are able to have healthy, happy, loving relationships with their grandparents down the road?

If you answer yes, then don’t be doing things to destroy what you have. Adult children telling their grown parents about how they should be living rarely, if ever, turns out well for anyone. Further, you have no idea what they do or don’t do with their bodies (sexually) in bed or any other hour of the day. Obviously, you can probably safely assume they have sex, but you don’t KNOW they have sex. And that is a good thing. It really isn’t your business.

Be happy your parents aren’t alone, and leave their personal business to them to sort out. Welcome them (and their SO’s) into your home and don’t worry about what isn’t your business.

Far too many of us take loving families for granted. Family members come in all shapes and sizes. And no, they don’t all believe the same things. That it is a lesson you should teach, strongly, to your kids as they grow. Love your family.
 
So, if this was the OP’s best female friend and her cohabitating boyfriend, and they were staying over, it would NOT be okay to let them bunk up together, but when it’s your in-laws, you just have to let them do whatever they want under your roof because they’re family.

Yeah, right.
 
KiraNerys said:
What are your thoughts?
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Does your guest room have a full or queen sized bed? Why not put a twin bed in there so that when the in-laws come over, you can prepare a comfy room for your MIL in there and then have your FIL sleep in a separate room prepared just for him? Would this work? Unless they are very slim people they probably won’t both fit in a twin sized bed.

When you host a catholic couple you can put two twins together to make a full sized. It’s
a bit of extra work, but might avoid some drama.
 
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really? I guess Im weird. Both my grandparents slept in different rooms. So I thought it wouldn’t be a big problem. Never mind then.
 
Totustuus1213 said:
really? I guess Im weird. Both my grandparents slept in different rooms. So I thought it wouldn’t be a big problem. Never mind then.
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Probably depends on the couple. I think a couple used to sharing a room would be offended by being offered different rooms.
 
Yeah, that makes sense.
This situations is sticky for sure. But, I think I agree with what others have said that the husband should be doing the talking to his parents.
 
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