Does God Want Us To Suffer

  • Thread starter Thread starter KB1971
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
K

KB1971

Guest
I’ve been married for 14 years…due to mental and behavioral issues with my wife, the majority of that time has been very unhappy for us.

She has seen numerous counselors and has been put on medication.

No matter how many times we’ve discussed her issues and how I can help her, nothing has worked. I’ve made concessions to keep her happy, or at the very least, to avoid conflicts. We used to argue all the time, but I’ve backed off of that because I don’t want our kids to see it. We have a nearly sexless marriage. And I feel like I’ve given about all I’m physically and mentally able to give. Furthermore, I see no signs that she is getting any better or that she is really trying to get any better.

So my question is this: Is it in God’s plan for someone to suffer like this? Are we supposed to be happy at some point in our time on this earth?

I feel terrible about the situation… I have thought about divorce, but never really went very far with it…but it’s becoming more of an option for me. I really doubt that’s God’s will, but I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve prayed and prayed to God that he points us in the direction he wants us to go in, and that he gives us the strength to do so. I don’t know where to go from here and I need advice and prayers.

Thanks in advance for any (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
No, God does not want you to suffer. He does allownit, because of original sin. However, it is the devil who causes death, suffering, and destruction in thw world. And, usually the people who are filled with goodness suffer the most on earth because the devil tries to break them. But, if we hold true to the faith and love God, the sufferings will be rewarded in Heaven. May God bless you and keep you through all of your problems.
 
God doesn’t want us to suffer. He sometimes asks us to undergo suffering, though. 🙂 Most of us have some suffering in our life–it’s part of being a fallen human being, but some of us do seem to have more to deal with than others of us.

It is good that you have been so patient, and that you realize that your wife is also suffering and unable to help herself. That is very hard on you, of course, and on your children too, even if they don’t say so.

You need help for yourself and your children–time to yourselves–to get away from the situation for a time, if possible. I feel so badly that all of you are going through this, but there is help. Talk to your priest and perhaps your diocese. They may be able to direct you to agencies to aid not only your wife, but you and your children, who need help just as much as your wife because all of you are suffering.

The only grounds for an annulment that I can see with what you’ve written is if you married her not knowing her condition and if she kept it from you until you married. But, divorce ought to be the last resort. I hope you can find the help you need. You and your family have my prayers.
 
i wouldn’t say that he wants us to suffer. however i feel that he thinks that suffering is necessary for us to grow and to understand goodness. hence, why he allowed lucifer’s rebellion in the first place which he knew would lead to the fall of humanity.

we only know what “good” means if there is something to compare it to. and speaking from personal experience, you appreciate things a lot more after you have had suffering as opposed to just getting everything you want. then you don’t really notice any difference.

i’m saying a prayer for you, don’t give up, your wife needs you more than you know. divorce will probably make things a lot worse. god bless
 
24Then Jesus said to his disciples, If any one desires to come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25For whosoever shall desire to save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it. 26For what does a man profit, if he should gain the whole world and suffer the loss of his soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? 27For the Son of man is about to come in the glory of his Father with his angels, and then he will render to each according to his doings.
Click to expand...
biblehub.com/dbt/matthew/16.htm

I think it is rather clear, from His comment that we pick up our crosses and follow Him (to Calvary), that God intends for us to suffer in this life so that we might be elevated and perfected in the next life.
 
God uses the consequences of original sin, and our own sins, much the same way a good parent uses consequences of a bad decision–to correct, to perfect, to teach. Or the way a surgeon uses a scalpel–to cut away that which will kill us in the end. His primary focus is making us Holy, more than happy in this life, because that leads to true Happiness.

God will give you the grace to walk where He calls you, day by day. Divorce is huge, my friend, my heart is breaking for you, even thinking it. Sometimes one may have to live apart from a spouse to provide a wakeup call, particularly if there has been emotional or verbal abuse of spouse or the children; perhaps this is a thought that you could talk to your counselor or priest about, as opposed to going straight to the nuclear option, if you will. I am home today, and my husband has the children doing volunteer projects and dance. I am praying tonight, and am adding you to my prayer intentions right now, for hope and your wife’s healing. St. Jude, pray for us. Mary Most Holy, pray for us.

May the peace of God fill you, keep you.
T
 
Reading Does Suffering Make Sense? by Russel Shaw helped me to understand suffering, how to accept it better in my life and how to help and understand others who are suffering. I highly recommend it.
 
KB1971 said:
I’ve been married for 14 years…due to mental and behavioral issues with my wife, the majority of that time has been very unhappy for us.

She has seen numerous counselors and has been put on medication.

No matter how many times we’ve discussed her issues and how I can help her, nothing has worked. I’ve made concessions to keep her happy, or at the very least, to avoid conflicts. We used to argue all the time, but I’ve backed off of that because I don’t want our kids to see it. We have a nearly sexless marriage. And I feel like I’ve given about all I’m physically and mentally able to give. Furthermore, I see no signs that she is getting any better or that she is really trying to get any better.

So my question is this: Is it in God’s plan for someone to suffer like this? Are we supposed to be happy at some point in our time on this earth?

I feel terrible about the situation… I have thought about divorce, but never really went very far with it…but it’s becoming more of an option for me. I really doubt that’s God’s will, but I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve prayed and prayed to God that he points us in the direction he wants us to go in, and that he gives us the strength to do so. I don’t know where to go from here and I need advice and prayers.

Thanks in advance for any (name removed by moderator)ut.
Click to expand...
There is an old Jewish saying " The man who has not suffered, what can he possibly know?

Although God doesn’t want you to suffer, He will permit it. Why? Because He can bring maturity and strength out of this suffering. Always unite your suffering with Christ’s suffering. Never, ever Give up! God is asking you to carry your cross and follow Him. He will lead you Home!

You and your family will be in my prayers! God Bless!👍
 
I greatly appreciate all the responses and the prayers!

In all honesty, some of the responses weren’t necessarily what I wanted to hear. But in my own conscience, I know they are accurate.

I hope that I can find the strength to keep moving forward and to work to improve our current situation. With all of your prayers, and God’s grace, I’m sure it’ll come.

Thank you all again!
 
I do have another question: How do we know what God wants for us in these situations?

I’ve prayed repeatedly about this, and will continue to do so, but how do we know what to do? Is it a feeling? Is it a rush of enlightenment that comes over us?

I don’t mean to sound ignorant on this, but I struggle to know what God is telling me a lot of the time. I’m sure there are others that have gone through the same thing, but have somehow figured out how to hear God’s voice and know his will for us. I would love to hear those thoughts and experiences.
 
KB1971 said:
I do have another question: How do we know what God wants for us in these situations?

I’ve prayed repeatedly about this, and will continue to do so, but how do we know what to do? Is it a feeling? Is it a rush of enlightenment that comes over us?

I don’t mean to sound ignorant on this, but I struggle to know what God is telling me a lot of the time. I’m sure there are others that have gone through the same thing, but have somehow figured out how to hear God’s voice and know his will for us. I would love to hear those thoughts and experiences.
Click to expand...
Actually, feelings aren’t reliable guides when it comes to the big decisions in life. They can deceive us because we can deceive ourselves into doing what is easiest instead of what is best. 🙂

The way to be sure we are doing God’s will is to do what we already know he wants us to do. In the case of marriage, it is to be faithful to our vows. My dh and I have been married 30 years this year and we’ve been through a lot. One of us (it doesn’t matter which of us) made some very bad decisions that set us back for a very long time–from which we are only now recovering. We could have used that to break apart our marriage, but we decided to forgive and forge ahead, trusting in God’s goodness, grace and mercy.

It wasn’t easy, I can tell you. There were a lot of tears and angry words, but we came through it. The one who messed us up learned from the mistakes made and matured, as we both did. We haven’t reached perfection, of course, but we’ve come to the place in which we can truly trust each other and know that we are one in intention and goals. And we got here by just doing what we knew was the right thing to do.

Correcting ourselves is hard, and anyone who says it isn’t is lying. It’s a matter of taking up our daily cross and following Christ. Those words can’t mean anything to the one who hasn’t tried it, but doing so does bring us to where God wants us to be. We all have fallen natures and want to be “let off.” What brings us through is God’s grace. Appeal to God’s grace to be and to do what you know is right each and every morning, and step-by step you’ll find it easier to be and to do God’s will.
 
Thanks Della! Your words give me a lot of hope and good direction on how to proceed.
 
KB1971 said:
I’ve been married for 14 years…due to mental and behavioral issues with my wife, the majority of that time has been very unhappy for us.

She has seen numerous **counselors **and has been put on medication.

No matter how many times we’ve discussed her issues and how I can help her, nothing has worked…

Furthermore, I see no signs that she is getting any better **or that she is really trying to get any better.
**
So my question is this: Is it in God’s plan for someone to suffer like this? Are we supposed to be happy at some point in our time on this earth?
Click to expand...
I’m sorry for the suffering of your dear wife with mental health issues.

I’m also sorry for your suffering from the pains of her mental health affecting your own mental health.

Have you been to therapy or counseling about your pains? Her mental health also brings suffering for you. Learning how to change your feelings and thoughts effected by her mental health struggles is important.

While you may not see that she is really trying to get better - do you understand what it would look like “if she was really trying to get better”?

What it might look like “if she was really trying to get better” with mental health issues looks different than a person “who looks like they are trying to get better” while living with diabetes.

You might think that you discussing with her and trying to help her will bring about change — but that’s not how a person with a mental and behavioral health issue is going to be healed of mental health issues ---- or at least it apparently isn’t the “healing method” for her.

She has had counseling and prescription medication which you report has not helped ---- and you think that you discussing with her the issues and you helping will solve this very strong mental health issue ---- is a misunderstanding from you of her diagnosis.

Of course you want to help her. Your thoughts of brain storming or discussing the issues with her and coming to solutions on how you can help sounds logical to you. Sadly, they apparently aren’t the solution.

You can take group counseling / therapy or private counseling to help you. You two can enroll in couples counseling (private or group). Nothing is a promise to help, but these are two ways to try something else.

Your wife probably needs to be in constant therapy (group or private) and be closely watched by her doctor for finding the correct medication and dose for her.

God does not want us to suffer. He has given us the gifts of professions who can help us in our suffering from mental or physical illness. Some times people are not truly cured - sometimes it takes a long time to find the right “treatment” - the right diagnosis, the right therapists and doctors, the right therapy and medication.

With your own therapy, you may relieve some of your suffering and you may find how to help your wife through her pains.

Your wife’s mental disability means you too want to know how to work with a person who suffers from her form of disability.

We need good mental health to feel happy. We can learn to change our thoughts and feelings to move towards happiness even while our mental health is not perfect.

May God lead both of you to good mental health and happy days.

May God lead both of you to the right professionals to lighten your sufferings from this mental and behavioral disability.

St. Dymphna ~ Patroness of those with mental disorders ~ Pray for us.
 
Yes, I’ve recently started seeing a counselor. So far it’s been very eye-opening. It has shown me that it will take a long, long time to get back where we should be…if we’re able to get back at all.

It’s been a bit discouraging…but at the same time, it’s given me insight into how to try and make things better.

And she continues to see her counselor…but progress seems to be very slow for her. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I just need to be more patient.

We’ve been to couples counseling before with mixed results…the conversations always ended up with her and her mental issues and how they affected the marriage. We haven’t been back to that format in a while, though. Maybe down the road, we’ll get back to that.
 
It does take time to sort out the reasons why we have certain expectations and what baggage we’ve brought with us into marriage. My dh and I have been at it for 30 years and we still haven’t gotten all figured out. I truly believe, even under the best of circumstances, that it’s a life long process for most of us, so don’t be discouraged. Just keep on going to counseling and wanting to make things better and in time it will happen. 🙂
 
BobCatholic said:
Yes, it is.

We must carry our cross. There is no choice in the matter.
Click to expand...
I think it needs to be said, though that the wonderful thing about suffering with Christ as opposed to just suffering is that it becomes redemptive instead of merely suffering for suffering sake. This is why Jesus could say that his burden was easy and his load light when we offer it all to him for our benefit and that of others.
 
Della said:
I think it needs to be said, though that the wonderful thing about suffering with Christ as opposed to just suffering is that it becomes redemptive instead of merely suffering for suffering sake. This is why Jesus could say that his burden was easy and his load light when we offer it all to him for our benefit and that of others.
Click to expand...
But if Jesus doesn’t help carry the cross, it becomes a sad event.

Yes, I unite my sufferings with Christ’s to make them have some value. But it doesn’t make them easier by a long shot.
 
BobCatholic said:
But if Jesus doesn’t help carry the cross, it becomes a sad event.

Yes, I unite my sufferings with Christ’s to make them have some value. But it doesn’t make them easier by a long shot.
Click to expand...
We often cannot realize the benefits of sharing our sufferings with Christ, that’s true. At the time they seem bitter not sweet. But later, when we look back and see how God sustained us in our sufferings and how he brought good out of what seemed to us to be evil, we do realize the joy of it.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top