Don’t want to practice NFP and don’t want sex

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Agent94

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So I’ve been married to my husband for 2 years now. We have a 13 month old and a 12 day old newborn. I am a full time grad student. I am completely exhausted and depressed.
I became pregnant with my 2nd when my 1st was 4 1/2 months old. I thought that by exclusivity breastfeeding that I could hold off fertility for at least the 1st 6 months, but no, my fertility returned 5 weeks postpartum.
During my postpartum period, I had wanted to take a NFP course to space our children. My husband said he couldn’t lay out any extra money for me to take the course. He thought that I was smart enough to do it on my own. A woman’s menstrual cycle can be very complicated. I tried to monitor my fertile signs with a fertility app. On days when I wasn’t sure and he wanted to make love, he would ask if I thought I was fertile and I would sometimes say “I’m not sure”. When I said this, he would pull out, therefore disrupting the marital act. When he finally said that I could take the course, I was pregnant again and there was no point at that time.
I guess what I want to ask is, do I have to practice NFP? Can we just avoid sex for a few years until we feel ready to have another child? My husband doesn’t want to avoid for so long, but at this point, I feel I don’t have anymore energy to spend. I want to do the Creighton model but it seems so complicated. All methods seem complicated. I feel depressed thinking about it. I just don’t want to have relations with my husband anymore. I had even discussed possibly separating. I’m actually living with my parents right now but will eventually return home to my husband. I’m so turned off to sex, NFP, and marriage.
So, can I avoid having sexual relations with my husband until we decide we want to add an additional family member? I really don’t want to learn a NFP method.
 
Hugs. I can just imagine the difficulty of grad school, a baby, a husband who holds all the purse strings and someone then hands you another baby! Plus you have all of the hormones from pregnancy/child birth.

First thing, breathe. Even if it is 15 minutes alone every day, find some space where you can have some stillness in your life.

About NFP, as you know there are several methods.

There may be scholarships/funding available through the Family Life office at your Diocese. In most case, the parish secretary is not going to be aware of it, your priests might not ever remember it, so, call that office first.

Billings is a method that has been taught around the world, one need not be literate to learn the method, they offer online studies Learn the Method

I’ve known Creighton instructors who do remote training, so, that is something to look into.

Ava and Daysy are new tech, less of a learning curve.



Yes, if you both agree to avoid that is okay, however,
Agent94 said:
My husband doesn’t want to avoid for so long
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Right now, you both need to be on the same page. I will pray for you.
 
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Hi @agent 94,

it is perfectly normal with a newborn and another young child, that you don’t want to have sex and children!
you need time. You don’t need to have relations right now or in the nexts months!
It is highly possible that in some time you will see things differently and desire will come back.

Dou you saw yourself with a large family before married, are you open of another more afterward?

you have tried to learn nfp in the worst conditions : postpartum/breastfeeding (so irregular cycles?), on your own, and with an app.
No, especially in these time, you need a highly efficient method (NOT an app!) and an instructor.

Now you and your husband know that you will need help if you want nfp.

some methods can be learn with volunteers.
 
It would be fine for you to avoid sex in this situation, but only if your husband was on the same page with you and you both agreed to do it and were okay with that decision.

The problem I see here is that your husband is not on the same page with you when it comes to sex. In addition, he refused to pay for the NFP course you wanted, causing you to not be able to take it when you wanted, and as a result you ended up pregnant again and are now very tired and down about that.

Please consider discussing this whole matter in counseling with your husband. He needs to be more sensitive to the fact that you are tired and depressed, and you both need to come up with a plan that you both can agree on as to how to go forward.

Good luck, I will pray for you.
 
I had completely forgotten about the Billings method. I guess it’s just not as popular as some other NFP methods. I went to the site you provided and it looks like this method might be the one for me. Simplicity is something I was looking for in my case. I can’t have something too complicated that it will overwhelm me.
 
Your newborn is 12 days old. Do not think about what will happen “2 years out.” Mind, you shouldn’t be depriving your husband for 2 years–that is wrong–but please don’t think that you should be looking far into the future right now. Please rest and recover as far as you’re able, and don’t be shy about asking for help.

You know that breastfeeding won’t prevent the early return of your fertility, so that’s something to bring up when you two do need to discuss your intimate relations. I would go into this assuming that your husband cares about you and wants the best for you both. In the mean time, I wish you the best; it is definitely an adjustment caring for a newborn and a toddler.
 
ETA: Yikes! Is there any way you can put grad school on hold for a few months?
 
You had a baby less than two weeks ago and you’re living with your parents? Is your husband helping at all with the baby?

It sounds like the two of you have some big communication issues. It seems like the first big step would be to reunite your family, and then work on intimacy. Right now you’re not in a good place if you’re depressed and overwhelmed with a newborn, so give it a little time before you decide you aren’t interested in learning a method and plan to refuse all intimacy. If you do decide to learn a method, it’s best to avoid while you’re still learning anyway. Take it one month at a time.

Maybe bring up your feelings to your OB at your postpartum appointment- if you still feel the same in a few weeks?
 
OP, first and foremost, if you are depressed please mention it to a health professional (your doctor, midwife, a councellor). PPD is real, it is not uncommon, but it is very serious. No need to suffer alone.

NFP is notoriously hard to learn post partum. I learned a lot from the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I would not recommend it to you as an NFP how to guide because with your complicated circumstances you probably need a teacher, but it would be great for learning the science behind NFP, especially the post partum phase. You may not need to abstain for years by the way: your symptoms may end up being more obvious once you stop breastfeeding.

Ideally your husband should be involved in NFP charting so he knows when is a safe day without asking. In future, “I’m not 100% sure” should mean “definitely no”. In the church’s eyes pulling out is the same level of sin as using a condom and it’s far more likely to get you pregnant, so I’d strongly advise against continuing your previous course of action.

To answer your question, there is nothing wrong with total abstinence if you both agree to it. Why not see how your husband feels if you tell him that as soon as your symptoms clear up, you’ll try to learn NFP. Also, if you can go to a teacher, they might be able to tell you if there were signs you could have been looking out for while breastfeeding that would have indicated a return of fertility.

hugs
 
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