D
DominicanSista
Guest
Hi everyone,
God bless all of you. I was just writing because I am confused and feeling hurt. I just ended a nearly four-year relationship for several reasons. Yes, this young man had proposed to me (no ring) in late 2004. I graduated from school last year. We were going to grad school together, but we decided that since he did not get a good financial aid package, he would stay at home while I went away to school several thousand miles away. We decided it was more financially feasible and smart for us to do so when we did get married, there would be less debt. So, I went away to school, and he got a job that fall.
Into my semester there at school, I decided that I did not want to wait until two years later to get married (say 2007). I was really unhappy with the atmosphere at the school, and I was just not happy with nearly four years of dating long-distance. Since I had the chance to go home to him, and I thought that marriage is more important of a vocation to me at that time, I thought I should go home and start working. However, my then-boyfriend, who is a really sweet and great guy who loves to study, does have tendencies sometimes as that of a workaholic, was becoming more and more tired, and I was honestly really frustrated with the way he was dealing with his work habits and our relationship. I honestly did not feel like he valued our relationship enough. Not just with the way he was talking to me during the first semester, and I understand that it is his first job, and men put a lot of their identity in their work. There were other instances where he was imbalanced in his life and work, but I was willing to overlook sometimes, and other times I was not. But I also still felt hurt inside that he didn’t do more than email a school for a job so as to be near me for graduate school and look for a job there after 3+ years of long-distance. I don’t feel it is unreasonable to think that talking on the phone would not suffice. I won’t go into details, but I decided to end the relationship, out of frustration. I did it because I seriously thought he was not interested in marrying me, based on the way he was behaving. I felt very upset at the time. I realized though, that by breaking up, he only understood it as my “lack of trust” in him. I truly did not want things to end between us. I thought that was the best thing to do at the time. He said that he feels like I always want to talk about our problems for too long and that I don’t trust him because I never felt like he loved me. I didn’t feel like he cherished me! He would be so tired, or would talk about work, and I just lost patience and wanted to send him the message to wake up, that I am not just going to be taken for granted! I thought that breaking off the relationship would get him to see that I am valuable, and that he would want to work on talking this out with me, to see how serious I feel, and then we could work out our vocation together. But, he did not see it this way.
So, I realized that what I intended to communicate did not work. I feel bad that he misunderstood my point, but there is no explaining I can do. Basically, since then, it has been a matter of talks that are extremely confusing He says, " I want us to be friends, and I don’t know where that may lead." I want to build up our trust. Yet, when I try to talk to him on the phone, just to call and say hello, he gets extremely upset and tells me, " I don’t want to talk, I give up"
I realize he may be extremely angry at me for having broken up for him, and for other things I may not fully realize. I believe he has bottled things up, and then just blew up when I decided to end the rleationship. I honestly did not know he was feeling so frustrated or afraid, and perhaps this is why he was not as itnerested as he was before, although I saw that even to the end he tried, but wasn’t always consistent, but who is? l I take full responsiblity for what wrong I did, but I am not nearly as angry at him as he is at me, even though this all started when I was upset with him. So, I just don’t think I have been able to see that since the breakup, he is confused, very angry, and has a lot to work through and mature in. I do too. But, I just couldn’t see this until now. It hurts to know he is not the guy I knew before. He is different now, very angry and unkind.
God bless all of you. I was just writing because I am confused and feeling hurt. I just ended a nearly four-year relationship for several reasons. Yes, this young man had proposed to me (no ring) in late 2004. I graduated from school last year. We were going to grad school together, but we decided that since he did not get a good financial aid package, he would stay at home while I went away to school several thousand miles away. We decided it was more financially feasible and smart for us to do so when we did get married, there would be less debt. So, I went away to school, and he got a job that fall.
Into my semester there at school, I decided that I did not want to wait until two years later to get married (say 2007). I was really unhappy with the atmosphere at the school, and I was just not happy with nearly four years of dating long-distance. Since I had the chance to go home to him, and I thought that marriage is more important of a vocation to me at that time, I thought I should go home and start working. However, my then-boyfriend, who is a really sweet and great guy who loves to study, does have tendencies sometimes as that of a workaholic, was becoming more and more tired, and I was honestly really frustrated with the way he was dealing with his work habits and our relationship. I honestly did not feel like he valued our relationship enough. Not just with the way he was talking to me during the first semester, and I understand that it is his first job, and men put a lot of their identity in their work. There were other instances where he was imbalanced in his life and work, but I was willing to overlook sometimes, and other times I was not. But I also still felt hurt inside that he didn’t do more than email a school for a job so as to be near me for graduate school and look for a job there after 3+ years of long-distance. I don’t feel it is unreasonable to think that talking on the phone would not suffice. I won’t go into details, but I decided to end the relationship, out of frustration. I did it because I seriously thought he was not interested in marrying me, based on the way he was behaving. I felt very upset at the time. I realized though, that by breaking up, he only understood it as my “lack of trust” in him. I truly did not want things to end between us. I thought that was the best thing to do at the time. He said that he feels like I always want to talk about our problems for too long and that I don’t trust him because I never felt like he loved me. I didn’t feel like he cherished me! He would be so tired, or would talk about work, and I just lost patience and wanted to send him the message to wake up, that I am not just going to be taken for granted! I thought that breaking off the relationship would get him to see that I am valuable, and that he would want to work on talking this out with me, to see how serious I feel, and then we could work out our vocation together. But, he did not see it this way.
So, I realized that what I intended to communicate did not work. I feel bad that he misunderstood my point, but there is no explaining I can do. Basically, since then, it has been a matter of talks that are extremely confusing He says, " I want us to be friends, and I don’t know where that may lead." I want to build up our trust. Yet, when I try to talk to him on the phone, just to call and say hello, he gets extremely upset and tells me, " I don’t want to talk, I give up"
I realize he may be extremely angry at me for having broken up for him, and for other things I may not fully realize. I believe he has bottled things up, and then just blew up when I decided to end the rleationship. I honestly did not know he was feeling so frustrated or afraid, and perhaps this is why he was not as itnerested as he was before, although I saw that even to the end he tried, but wasn’t always consistent, but who is? l I take full responsiblity for what wrong I did, but I am not nearly as angry at him as he is at me, even though this all started when I was upset with him. So, I just don’t think I have been able to see that since the breakup, he is confused, very angry, and has a lot to work through and mature in. I do too. But, I just couldn’t see this until now. It hurts to know he is not the guy I knew before. He is different now, very angry and unkind.
. I began feeling like a low priority in his life and that just didn’t sit well with me. I knew that I was deserving of the kind of love and affection (and attention) that my heart ached for. I knew that I was a “good catch” and that any guy would be lucky to have me (this inner voice was thanks to my parents telling me this over and over and over throughout my life). I didn’t want to settle for something less than what I knew deep down I deserved.
Signing off!