Extremely Concerned about Non-Compliant Diabetic Husband

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I know this is not necessarily the place for this topic, but beyond an intervention involving my in-laws, I have exhausted my resources and am grasping at straws at this point.

I am extremely concerned for the health of my husband. He refuses to take his insulin. He is a type 1 Diabetic. Often his fasting blood sugar is in the 300s. I am in school to become a registered nurse and this terrifies me as I know medically how grave his situation is. What can I do? I fear at this point that only drastic measures can be taken.

We are a very young couple. I am unable conceive children of my own but we plan on adopting in the future. I don’t want him to get sick, be on dialysis and die. I want him to get his health under control now! Before we even think of starting the process. I don’t know what to do. Please, caretakers and diabetics, any advice?
 
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Has his doctor explained to your husband, in detail, how serious this is, and what uncontrolled diabetes will do to him? And, has he been screened for depression?
 
I agree with both of the above posters - could he be depressed? Would it be possible for him to see a doctor based on this?

I think your idea of an intervention with his family is a good one. Please make sure you have support around you, and people to talk to, as well. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through it.
 
To answer everyone else’s questions, yes, he is depressed. He is a social worker who works with victims of domestic abuse. His work takes quite a toll on him and he works very long hours with a long commute. But, his diabetes has been completely uncontrolled since we met in college, before he was working at all.

I have thought many times about staging the intervention with his family but I am terrified he will see this as a betrayal. His family has no idea he doesn’t take his insulin.

He is aware of the ramifications but there seems to be some kind of a disconnect. Also, as a child, he apparently overdosed on his insulin in an attempt to commit suicide. This could also be a factor.

He hates when I bring it up and “lecture” and “talk down to him” but I try my best to use a calm tone and encourage him. He just doesn’t like me to talk about it at all. But if I was married to an alcoholic who was slowly killing themselves, wouldn’t it be irresponsible of me not to seek help? Isn’t it irresponsible of me to allow him to continue down this path?
 
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I’m diabetic (controlled w oral meds) as is about half my family (controlled w insulin) Except for my late cousin we manage it more or less without major complications.
  1. it might be a bit crude, appeal to vanity or whatever, but remind him that high glucose levels will eventually prevent the martial embrace. My doctor’s office isn’t afraid to throw that out to encourage my compliance.
  2. For me going from high to a normal glucose level feels downright crappy. When I go from high to a normal level i feel less happy than usual and a bit emotionally unstable. Additionally the body sometimes reacts to normal levels as if one is hypo. This is particular tough and a bit scary plus it’s something that isn’t truly explainable to others. Spending hours going through the symptoms of hypoglycemia when you’re actually not. I wonder if your husband has similar issues that make it an undesirable process?
  3. be ready to rescue of needed. When my cousin went high enough he became incoherent during the episode. Super high and super low presents similarly, so know how to use the meter, how to treat, and when to call 911.
I’ve watched this unfold with my cousin over many years. Mismanagement, extreme highs, extreme lows, sudden weight loss, etc. Whatever happens know that it’s really up to him. You can’t force someone to take care of themselves. Took me a while to accept this.
 
As your in nursing school, you know that the adverse effects such as peripheral neuropathy, cardiovascular disease, and damage to the eyes, kidneys, etc., are pretty much irreversible. There is some rot cause leading him to avoid or ignore proper attention to a controllable disease.

You said you talked calmly and rationally about this and it’s effects. Did you, or would you describe to him your feelings about losing him or seeing him with these disabilities? If not for himself, he might act for you.

Check around with your instructors and ask if they know any CDEs (Certified Diabetic Educators), maybe with lifestyle coaching experience. My wife is a pharmacist and a CDE. She often has success when family does not (and it isn’t always a willing patient).

Small steps, one at a time, will lead to overall improvement.

I will say a prayer for the both of you can work to better his health.
 
This is a heavy cross, and my heart and prayers go out to you.

The proper approach to the problem is two-pronged: 1.) Medical evaluation and intervention and 2.) spiritual evaluation and intervention. One would wish ideally for Priest - psychiatrists, but those effectively don’t exist, so you will need help from two sources.

A physician should check lab work. There are conditions such as hypothyroidism, adrenal dysfunction, and vitamin deficiencies that can manifest as depression. Treatment with a trial of anti-depressant medication is probably indicated.

A change of work would be helpful if at all possible. Shorter hours, less stressful work type, shorter commute, day shift work, good sleep hygeine with lights out 10:00 PM, up at 7AM would be conducive to better mental health. The body operates on a circadian rhythm with hormone release, etc based on day-night cycling.

There is a spiritual issue. Is he Catholic? Self-neglect and medical non-compliance could be viewed as passive suicide gestures.

Why did he attempt suicide as a child? There could be an attachment by a demonic spirit that is after him again. The Catholic Church and Priests are sensitive to these issues and you might want to talk to a Priest about it. There is a phenomenon called “Demonic Oppression” that can manifest as depression and self-destructive behavior. Most physicians ARE NOT familiar with these realities.

ACTIONS (other than medical):

1.) If you are not Catholic, consider attending an RCIA class at your local Catholic Church with your husband. This will introduce you to the Church.

2.) Purchase the book “Handbook for Spiritual Warfare” by Paul Thigpen. This has many prayers and suggestions for repelling negative spirits.

3.) The Catholic Rite of Reconciliation (Confession) is extremely effective in regaining and preserving mental health. Discuss this with the Priest.

4.) The use of blessed Sacramentals (Crucifixes, Holy Water; Scapulars) can effectively ward off evil entities.

5.) The Catholic Rite of Healing may be available from the Priest.

6.) Invite the Priest for a spiritual cleansing of your home.

7.) Pray The Rosary together daily. There are attractive Catholic DVD’s that make this enjoyable.

8.) Identify any un-clean, un-Godly objects, movies, art work, sculptures, etc in the home and cast them out.

9.) Re-dedicate yourselves to each other as a married couple.

If your husband is depressed, you are probably depressed, too. As Jesus said “When the two marry, they become one flesh.”

This is a time of trial, but it is also a time of opportunity, which will hopefully bring both you and your husband closer to God, as he regains his health and zest for living. It is well that you are young and have much life ahead!

God bless both of you richly!
 
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The life of a diabetic demands self-discipline.

Diet (caloric intake), insulin dosing, and activity must be balanced and made routine.

He will have to work with the physicians to control his diabetes, There are modern options such as INSULIN PUMP that are now available and can be helpful in non-compliant patients.

Then, he must control only dietary habits and exercise.

More important than the “spot glucose value” of 300 mg/dl (a snapshot), is the HEMOGLOBIN A1C value which is a 90 day average value. It should gradually be lowered to a target value of about 7.0 This needs to be checked every 90 days, so we are talking about regular doctor visits for quite a while.
 
I would suggest you have one conversation with him, and then leave the decision up to him.

That you love him and you want the best for him is first and foremost, however, tell him that his non-compliance hurts you. That this is a form of emotional abuse, and that while you love him, you do not intend to be abused.

Provide him with resources, a counselor he can speak with, a support group for men with diabetes. Tell him that if he asks you for help, you will be there, but that you are not going to offer, cajole, plead, beg, any more.

Tell him that if he ends up in the hospital due to his non-compliance, that you will not visit in the hospital. He is a grown man and that there are consequences for his choices. You are not his mother, and you will no longer be his “mommy”.

Do tell him that you expect him to have a good life insurance policy so that you are protected.

It sounds cold, however, he does have to make his own decisions. He may decide to die from his diabetes.

He can choose to not treat his disease, but, you do not have to go through the agony of feeling guilty about it.

I have a spouse who has severe health issues who was non-compliant. Each time I would go to the hospital, sleep there, this last time I said no. I stayed until he was admitted and I left. I would call and check on him, but, I did not visit one time. It is as if he is a new person, he is compliant with everything now.
 
@TheLittle Lady It took great courage for you to take such a stand, which must have resulted from deep heartbreak and anguish that you’d experienced one too many times. What a blessing that your husband learned a life-changing lesson from your “tough love.” I admire your tenacity.

Sometimes when we do what we wish, especially in regards to our own bodies, we think it only concerns us individually. We forget how our personal neglect, indifference, or indulgences can bring pain to those who love us, keeping them on an emotional rollercoaster without intending that result.

May you both have many, many more years together. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
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