Families of Divorce

[yessisan]

I was raised in a weird setting, my dad cheated on my mom (he committed bigamy), I was 4 when my parents separated, and he never really tried to communicate w/us since the divorce in '87. Now I’m 25, and live in a different country.

My dad lives in Mexico, and I haven’t seen him since Jan. '92, and he still never contacts us. I know where he lives, I have his phone #, and snail & email addresses (all because I took a class on divorce when I was in college, and felt bad so I wanted to reconnect). He never attempts to contact us, not for bdays, not for xmas, not even for when I got married.

Today, my half sister (his daughter) got on her messenger and told me my dad was sad because no one called him for his bday (it was 2 days ago), and is asking me if I could call him or email him to wish him a happy belated bday.

Thing is that I don’t think I should. He never helped my mom w/child support, we never knew where he lived, he’d disappear for 2+ years at a time, never called for bdays, always made up lame excuses for not helping or calling us. We did see him for a few Christmases and a few summer vacations (maybe a total of 5 times since the divorce), and then he disappeared for 4 yrs. We moved (my mom, siblings and I) from Mexico to California. Then my mom went to Cancun in 98 and decided to contact my dad’s sister (my mom still got along w/her after all). Then my aunt called him and told him she found us (this was in May 98). Then I went to Mexico to visit my mom’s parents and his mom called us. She said my dad had hired a PI to find us but had no luck, that he went to find us where we used to live, but no luck.

Then my dad called us for that Christmas but never did again. Then my half sister told me my dad looked for us like crazy, that they did hire a PI and that he went to look for us in the town we lived in, but he had no luck.

I think that is all BS because we lived in the same town my grandparents lived in and my grandparents were still living there. We lived in the same block (5 houses away from them). So, if my dad really had gone to search for us he could’ve stopped by my grandparents’ or could’ve called my grandparents (they never changed their phone number, when my dad actually did call, he’d call there). The town was really small so everyone knew us, they knew we had moved here, and he knew we had more family in that town, he could’ve ask my grandma’s sister in law, or my aunts/uncles, cousins, neighbors, or friends. But according to my dad, nobody knew anything. THEY ALL KNEW WHERE WE LIVED!

So my dilemma now is, should I email him? Why should I bother when my life has never been important enough for him? He never cared if we had a place to live, or if we were hungry or cold… he never cared about anything, so why should I?

He married another woman while still married to my mom (he married both by a JP and by the CC). My dad lied to the CC, he used an old baptismal certificate. My dad never wanted to divorce my mom, he “loved” them both.

I was in the hospital once as a baby, he never showed up, same when my brother was in the hospital as a baby. Our doctor paid the bills both times. My dad would only give my mom a certain amount of money a month to use it for food and other things, if she ran out of it, tough luck! Our neighbors basically fed us, they kept us alive! My mom is 5’7, back then she weighed 97 lbs because she rather have us (me and my siblings) eat the little food we had. She wasn’t allowed to work (even though she had had many offers), she wasn’t allowed to have a car. He never hit her, but he abused her emotionally.

See my point? I don’t know what I should do.

 

[bunnynessuk]

Hi,

I come from a strange family set up too - im adopted my mum died at 25 (leaving behing 5 kids 5 different dads) my dad skipped out on me and then various child support (fostering, homes etc) until being adopted at 10yrs old. But I have found my ‘real’ dad again to find out what happened etc. Although I dont have much of a relationship with him Im glad I did it.

At 87 your dads getting on a bit and he probably has lots of things he wants to say to you and I personally would give him the chance if only for your own piece of mind - you may well regret it one day if you don’t.

Its horrible but no man is perfect and no family is either - everyone has had problems and maybe your dad in his old age needs his kids to talk too?

God Bless

 

[yessisan]

Hi,

I come from a strange family set up too - im adopted my mum died at 25 (leaving behing 5 kids 5 different dads) my dad skipped out on me and then various child support (fostering, homes etc) until being adopted at 10yrs old. But I have found my ‘real’ dad again to find out what happened etc. Although I dont have much of a relationship with him Im glad I did it.

At 87 your dads getting on a bit and he probably has lots of things he wants to say to you and I personally would give him the chance if only for your own piece of mind - you may well regret it one day if you don’t.

Its horrible but no man is perfect and no family is either - everyone has had problems and maybe your dad in his old age needs his kids to talk too?

God Bless

He’s not that old though, he only turned 56. But still, I had tried keeping in contact w/him, but I get nothing from his part. I called him this January to let him know I’d be getting married and he never called. Once I called him for xmas, never called. Then my sister called and he asked us to call him collect so we could keep in contact. What happend then? He disconnected his phone!!! The only reason why I knew his phone worked again (2 yrs later) is because I went to Cancun and stayed w/his sister a few days and she gave us his # again (which was the same one but I guess he disconnected it for about a yr or so). We tried calling and just gave up. Then I called him another time, and he never calls us. I get the feeling he’s interested but never calls us… So I don’t know if I should stir things up again just to get hurt once again… I always get my hopes up, but I always end up disappointed.

 

[bunnynessuk]

Sorry about the 87 thing - misread the figure! - If you have tried and he has not been interested - not returning phone calls etc maybe its not worth it - I always belive that simply having someones DNA doesnt make them your parent their actions do - its my believe that you don’t have a right to be considered a parent its a title you earn - and if you father has consistently not earned the title maybe youve given enough time and energy to it - but only you can judge that.

I am now adopted and these people earnt the right to be considered parents during this time my real ‘dad’ is not my dad hes just someone who looks a lot like me!

 

[Jay2]

My parents divorced after 25 yrs. when I was 13. My Dad & I wound up living with his Mother. There were too numerous accounts of verbal & mental abuse towards me, and it really drove a wedge between us. After turning 18, graduating HS, then working my butt off for 6 mos., I had a hitch put on my car. I packed my meager possessions in a U-Haul and moved 600 miles away. He never thought I’d do it, or if I did… I’d never make it and come crawling back with my tail tucked.

(24 years later… I’ve been married for 18, have two great kids & a wonderful wife. I own my house and a lakeshore summer home & property. So much for “not making it”.)

I never broke contact with him, but any contact was on my terms. As soon as he’d start up again I’d hang up on him. A few months would go by and we’d talk again.
About 5 years ago his 2nd wife died. He had no reason to stay in that area (no relatives or real friends). I asked him to move up near me & my family. He agreed, and I took some time off and helped him sell his house & move.

He’s settled in, has gotten to know his grandchildren, his daughter-in-law, and also knows that I’m not one to mess with anymore.
He’s suffered two strokes since moving here - and I’ve been there for him each time. He knows that if he needs help, I’m a phone call away, and he’s welcome in my house… but if he starts his old shenanigans I’ll show him the door.

One of life’s greatest injustices is not being able to choose your parents. Many people are lucky and have great parents… Many are not so lucky.

I’d suggest emailing your Dad at first. Start off slow, and start to get to know him again. If he wants to talk, you call him - don’t give out your number… then make your choices.

 

[SMHW]

So my dilemma now is, should I email him? Why should I bother when my life has never been important enough for him? He never cared if we had a place to live, or if we were hungry or cold… he never cared about anything, so why should I?

I’ll be blunt. If you are looking to have the relationship with your Dad that you wanted as a child you will probably be disappointed. But what you could possibly have is the kind of relationship you might have with a great uncle or an older cousin. And that’s not really so bad.

If I were you I’d send your Dad an email like one of those Christmas letters people send which tells what’s going on in your life. People sometimes respond to these. Sometimes they don’t

Send the letter with no expectation that your Dad will reply. If he does, then you will be pleasantly surprised.

Send him such a letter once or twice a year. If you get 5 responses in the next 15 years consider that a success.

 

[LSK]

I agree - do not ever expect your father to be the Dad you wanted or even deserved. HOWEVER, you can practice the Catholic way of life, love him and be kind to him. Scripture records the instructions of our Savior in terms of what is required of us - His standards are high but they are worth reaching for each day.

 

[yessisan]

I agree - do not ever expect your father to be the Dad you wanted or even deserved.

I’ll be blunt. If you are looking to have the relationship with your Dad that you wanted as a child you will probably be disappointed. But what you could possibly have is the kind of relationship you might have with a great uncle or an older cousin. And that’s not really so bad.

I always belive that simply having someones DNA doesnt make them your parent their actions do - its my believe that you don’t have a right to be considered a parent its a title you earn -

my real ‘dad’ is not my dad hes just someone who looks a lot like me!

That’s exactly how I think. My dad to me is my step dad. My grandpa was there for us as a dad from 4-14 yrs of age. Then came my step dad, and this man is the one I call MY DAD.

Not to be mean or anything but I refer to my bio dad as the sperm donor

 

[dawgfan]

I
So my dilemma now is, should I email him? Why should I bother when my life has never been important enough for him? He never cared if we had a place to live, or if we were hungry or cold… he never cared about anything, so why should I?

I don’t think you have an unusual situation. Sadly, single parent homes have become almost the norm.

Ok - short testimony coming…
Take your story and substitue missing dad with missing dad and mom.

My dad got custody of me in divorce when I was like 2. He remarried and moved out when I was probably 4 or 5 and left me with his parents. Eventually, they adopted me because it was the only way for them to get extra money from SS for my care since I got NOTHING from either of my biologicals and they were retired (they worked as long as they could before that step was taken). I’d still see my dad occassionally but really got no financial support at all growing up. I’d still see my mom on a few rare occasions but she was not a model parent or person in behaviors or morals.

Fast forward a few years, my half sister from my mom (4 years younger than me) dies tragically in a house fire. She was 18 and I was 22. At that point, I decided to completely cut off all relations with my mother. I moved to different state to leave all this mess behind. Eventually I came back but I still stayed away from the drama.

This past Thanksgiving, I finally spoke to my mother for the first time in 10 years. It wasn’t much or a deep conversation but it opened a door. I may never have the same relationship with either parent that any of my close friends have but as an adult now, I know that neither of them can hurt anymore than they have. BUT I feel a heck of a lot better letting them close enough into my life to let forgiveness enter in my heart. Its been a powerful thing.

Your dad may never offer an apology for things he did to you but that doesn’t mean that you have to be like him.

 

[carol_marie]

If it were you, I’d probably drop him a card, wishing him a Merry Christmas & a blessed New Year. Tell him that you hope he is doing well - and sign your name. Say a prayer for him & send it off - that’s that.

After that, wouldn’t give him a second thought and that way you aren’t disappointed when you don’t hear anything in response, because truthfully I don’t think you will. He is who is … I think more often than not, people don’t change.

You sound like a nice daughter - it is his great loss.

 

[yessisan]

You sound like a nice daughter - it is his great loss.

Thanks!!

 

[mary_bobo]

If it were you, I’d probably drop him a card, wishing him a Merry Christmas & a blessed New Year. Tell him that you hope he is doing well - and sign your name. Say a prayer for him & send it off - that’s that.

After that, wouldn’t give him a second thought and that way you aren’t disappointed when you don’t hear anything in response, because truthfully I don’t think you will. He is who is … I think more often than not, people don’t change.

You sound like a nice daughter - it is his great loss.

I have been where you are and I know how it feels. My .02 worth is to e-mail or whatever and then let it go. You will never be sorry that you did a charitable thing, and that’s better than having regrets when he is gone. God bless you.