Family situation - Sorry for the length and also the content

[bunnynessuk]

HI everyone,

I am looking for advice, this is not particularly a catholic question but it is a family question.

In the eyes of the church we should forgive those who wrong us, however what do we do when we cannot forgive? - Particularly when it also breaks ‘Honour thy mother and father’?

My problem is deepseated and is actually in relationship to two seperate people - My Birth Father whom I believe abandoned me and thus despite my having his DNA is not a father as he has not earned the title. And my now adopted father (since i was 7/8.) Both of these men have caused me emotional harm the latter has caused the most.

I believe (I no this is going to sound like a cop-out) that these men and the uprootedness of my childhood (fosterhomes, care etc) are the reason for my actions as a teenager (12 through 16) - I was heavily promiscuous (I lost my virginity in a bathroom at the age of 13) and badly behaved - tatoos, piercings etc. I was sexually abused for 6 years and was informed that ‘I enjoyed it’, ‘I wanted it’, and ‘if’ i’d known you didnt like it I would have stopped’. This happened from my first week of living with my new family and as silly as it now sounds I just accepted it as normal. I cannot forgive him and I often seem to actively look for ways to punish him (sometimes even blackmail - which I know is SO wrong). My adopted mother still does not know as I feel it is better to protect her and my younger brother - so in essence its still ‘our secret’. I have told my fiancee about it but he doesnt understand particulrly as by looking at the relationship from the outside I appear to be a ‘daddys girl’ and these is no acknowledgement that we are anything but.

My problem is that I cannot forgive him and I cannot actually talk in spoken words about this. I have expressed the inability to forgive tomy priest (not the actual situation though) and also the fact that I believe all men to be capable of such violent/sexual acts which may sound strange particularly as I am engaged.

I understand my post is rambled and also fairly incoherent but in a nutshell i am looking for help and it is for this reason (partly) that I found myself coming back into the catholic church.

I would appreciate any guidance - any books worth reading, personal insite - whatever!

But I guess I would also like to tell the moms (and dads) out there that if you find your daughter acting in a similar way to the way I did there may be something she is hiding. I probably will never tell my mom but i guess I am also angry at her for not noticing?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I strongly encourage you to get some good counselling. This is an issue that will take time and tears to sort through.

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** I will go so far as to say that you should work this issue out BEFORE you marry as it could have devastating repercussions on your marriage and future children.**

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But, in a nutshell, we are not required to forgive someone who has not asked for our forgiveness after apologizing and being remorseful.

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Malia

 

[ABsitively]

I believe (I no this is going to sound like a cop-out) that these men and the uprootedness of my childhood (fosterhomes, care etc) are the reason for my actions as a teenager (12 through 16) -

.

I can’t begin to express how much that does NOT sound like a cop out.

I was sexually abused for 6 years and was informed that ‘I enjoyed it’, ‘I wanted it’, and ‘if’ i’d known you didnt like it I would have stopped’. This happened from my first week of living with my new family and as silly as it now sounds I just accepted it as normal. I cannot forgive him and I often seem to actively look for ways to punish him (sometimes even blackmail - which I know is SO wrong).

My heart goes out to you. This man (and I use the word loosely) has done what most manipulators do which is turn their guilt back on the victim. No one had any right to abuse you in that way.

My adopted mother still does not know as I feel it is better to protect her and my younger brother - so in essence its still ‘our secret’. I have told my fiancee about it but he doesnt understand particulrly as by looking at the relationship from the outside I appear to be a ‘daddys girl’ and these is no acknowledgement that we are anything but.

My instinct is that your fiancee needs to be able to understand this before you marry him.

My problem is that I cannot forgive him and I cannot actually talk in spoken words about this. I have expressed the inability to forgive tomy priest (not the actual situation though) and also the fact that I believe all men to be capable of such violent/sexual acts which may sound strange particularly as I am engaged.

This might sound weird to you if you are just starting to come back to the Catholic Church but I was helped to forgive and let go of alot of hurts done to me while I was praying the rosary. it was as if Mary was right beside me helping to lift the weight off my shoulders. I remember the exact moment.I was in my car on my way to work and I went through a huge grieving process right then and there for the hurt that had been done to me. In the end I was able to let go of the anger because I knew it would end up hurting me if I held onto it. I hope that makes sense.

I understand my post is rambled and also fairly incoherent but in a nutshell i am looking for help and it is for this reason (partly) that I found myself coming back into the catholic church.

Welcome back! From personal experience, it really is a place of healing

I would appreciate any guidance - any books worth reading, personal insite - whatever!

But I guess I would also like to tell the moms (and dads) out there that if you find your daughter acting in a similar way to the way I did there may be something she is hiding. I probably will never tell my mom but i guess I am also angry at her for not noticing?

As a Mom of a little girl, I appreciate the advice. Your anger toward your Mom is understandable because in general it is understood that moms kiss boo-boos and fix all hurts.

I can only advise you that in general it is better to forgive because the anger tends to end up hurting you more than it hurts the ones you are angry at. However, it is an individual process that has no set timeline. God will help you through it if you let Him

Also, forgiving does not mean you have to be chummy with, or ever trust again those who hurt you.

I am saying a prayer for you now!

 

[ABsitively]

But, in a nutshell, we are not required to forgive someone who has not asked for our forgiveness after apologizing and being remorseful.

Malia

I agree with Malia on this point. You don’t have to go up to any of these people and tell them that you forgive them. In fact, I strongly recommend against it. If they are not ready to ask for forgiveness, this would probably only cause you more pain.

However, for your own peace of mind, I recommend asking God to carry your anger for you when ever you feel it coming on the strongest. I think that by continually asking Him to do this (and He wants to carry it for you!) you will find the peace in your heart that you seek.

From personal experience, whenever i was going to pick up my son from my ex’s house, I used to pray that God would carry my anger for me because it was too much for me to bear. When his family turned their backs on me or sent his other little girl in the house when I came to pick up my son, it affected me less than if I had not said this prayer and allowed me to appear much more dignified than I felt inside or than they themselves did.

Things did get better. Not right away. But they did.

Of course that is a completely different experience but I hope that might help a little.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Are you still living with your abuser? Please consider getting some physical distance from him. His mind games about you “liking it” are dangerous for your well-being. If you are on your own, please consider limiting contact with him until you have consulted a counselor and put some boundaries in place. This is a very sick man. I also agree that you need to put the idea of marriage on hold and work on healing yourself first. A therapist can help you sort these things out, including the anxiety/anger/resentment you feel toward your adopted father.

I am so sorry for your suffering. PLEASE contact a therapist asap.

Here is an article on forgiveness from Jimmy Akin, a Catholic apologist. He explains the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

catholic.com/thisrock/2003/0309bt.asp

 

[BeeSweet]

I don’t have the slightest bit of experience with this sort of trauma, and I don’t know in the least that I could give any sort of adequate advice in these circumstances, but I really feel this scum of a human being should be outed, and outed immediately. Most especially if your mother is still living with him. What a worthless human being, he should not enjoy the peace you are offering him with your silence. I’d tell everyone. Everyone, everyone. And don’t expect them to believe you, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Just out the SOB. Do not let him manipulate you any further by participating in any sort of blackmail, and don’t fault yourself in the least for having done so in the past. Just tell the truth to everyone, everyone, everyone. It will be very hard, because I’m sure folks will not believe because people don’t want to believe the worst about other people, but your silence is bad for YOU. I believe worse than if you tell and people don’t believe you. Get this out in the open. He needs to be put where he belongs, in retribution, public returibution. Your own mother may not even believe you, but give it time, she will if she is strong enough to do so. If she’s not, forgive her for her weaknesses. I am praying for you, please pray fervently for yourself. Have strength. Look to Christ. God love you girl, I pray for your strength. You’ve already come through so much, may you make it through the truth and heal yourself and your family.

 

[Princess_Abby]

I don’t have the slightest bit of experience with this sort of trauma, and I don’t know in the least that I could give any sort of adequate advice in these circumstances, but I really feel this scum of a human being should be outed, and outed immediately. Most especially if your mother is still living with him. What a worthless human being, he should not enjoy the peace you are offering him with your silence. I’d tell everyone. Everyone, everyone. And don’t expect them to believe you, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Just out the SOB. Do not let him manipulate you any further by participating in any sort of blackmail, and don’t fault yourself in the least for having done so in the past. Just tell the truth to everyone, everyone, everyone. It will be very hard, because I’m sure folks will not believe because people don’t want to believe the worst about other people, but your silence is bad for YOU. I believe worse than if you tell and people don’t believe you. Get this out in the open. He needs to be put where he belongs, in retribution, public returibution. Your own mother may not even believe you, but give it time, she will if she is strong enough to do so. If she’s not, forgive her for her weaknesses. I am praying for you, please pray fervently for yourself. Have strength. Look to Christ. God love you girl, I pray for your strength. You’ve already come through so much, may you make it through the truth and heal yourself and your family.

Again, while this is something you might choose to do, please first speak with a therapist. Outting him without the proper support and resources on hand might have even more destructive consequences for you and lead you to feel undeservedly guilty. Your adopted mother may or may not be receptive to hearing your truth. If you out him, and even if you don’t, please talk to a therapist first.

 

[jules11]

If you don’t mind me asking, where is your mother?
And the man that abused you, he is your adopted father?
And his wife, your adopted mother?
I agree with other posters, you need to get some counselling with people that are familiar with this kind of abuse and I do also agree that you should tell your mother, after discussing it with a reputable counsellor.
It doesn’t help to keep these kind of secrets. HE doesn’t deserve this to be kept a secret and your mother deserves to know. She needs to know the kind of man she is married to. It is not YOUR job to protect her, that was HIS job. And it was his promise to be faithful to her and HE broke that promise, NOT YOU. But with whatever happens after that, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You were the child that needed to be looked after and cared for, NOT ABUSED. He is the adult and has done the wrong. NOT YOU.
You are very brave to have kept this to yourself but i think you need to talk at length to someone, about how you felt then, what its done to your life and how it impacts now on how you think and feel about men now. Because no matter how wonderful your fiance is, you may find yourself taking all the anger out on him somewhere down the track. You need to resolve this and get to a point where you can deal with it without it ruining your life.

God bless you and I will pray for you.

 

[kevinsgirl]

My adopted mother still does not know as I feel it is better to protect her and **my younger brother **- so in essence its still ‘our secret’.

bunnynessuk,

I’m so sorry for what you have gone through–you will be in my prayers. The other posters have given you some wonderful advice…

I quoted this sentence from your post because it occurred to me that your younger brother may become a victim as well, and by coming forward about this with your adoptive mother, you may protect him. I don’t know his situation (age, living arrangements, etc.) with your parents, but if your adoptive father abused you like this, you may not be the only one he will abuse. I do not want to add to your troubles, but if protecting your younger brother is a priority for you, it is something you may want to consider.

God keep you,

kevinsgirl

 

[gmarie21]

bunnynessuk,

I’m so sorry for what you have gone through–you will be in my prayers. The other posters have given you some wonderful advice…

I quoted this sentence from your post because it occurred to me that your younger brother may become a victim as well, and by coming forward about this with your adoptive mother, you may protect him. I don’t know his situation (age, living arrangements, etc.) with your parents, but if your adoptive father abused you like this, you may not be the only one he will abuse. I do not want to add to your troubles, but if protecting your younger brother is a priority for you, it is something you may want to consider.

God keep you,

kevinsgirl

I second kevinsgirl’s suggestion. Your adopted father doesn’t need protection, and frankly your adoptive mother needs to know the truth, as well as the police. He may or may not be harming your little brother, but if he has done this to you, he can (and most likely will) do this to other little girls in your family or in your neighborhood. Please, contact a therapist after you’ve contacted the police. Also, find a priest or a religious sister to be your spiritual director. This man does not need to be hurting any more children (which I’d be surprised if he isn’t doing so already).

 

[Jen_Franklin]

There is never only one victim. You really should tell your mother and go to the police. If not for yourself, then for the next little girl that he will prey upon. It might also give you back some of the power that he took.

I hope you find peace.

 

[nana3]

I am so sorry for your trauma and I do agree with the other post that you should tell someone and expose this man for what he is.

As far as forgiving him, I don’t think you need to go to him and tell him that you forgive him, but from the anger my husband has held on for years, he is 34 now and was abused sexually, physically and verbally, has destroyed him and his relationship with others. He is only recently forgiving his mother more than his dad. It will take time and healing and therapy, but I do hope someday you can forgive what this man has done to you. Jesus would want you to forgive him. That is not to say that he should get away with what he did. I still think you should report this man to your mother and police. Please get counseling. I am so glad thought that trying to deal with this you are drawing closer to the Church and God. God alone is the one who can help you heal your broken heart and heal it totally. I did know of someone who was in your shoes, except in her case it was a boyfriend of her mother and she thought her mom didn’t know and she knew. She did not find this out until she was a very bitter and angry adult. She almost lost her husband for he hated her anger and her bitterness. She was terrible with her kids also and she was the first to admit this. She was this angry for most of her adult like. She was sexually abused for more than 10 years. She left the home at the young age of 17 to get away. She kept it quiet and never received therapy. It affected her marriage. Thank God she married a very holy man who prayed for her and didn’t want to give up on her. He took her to a spiritual healing service Mass at the church and that night she forgave both this man and her mom. She did opt to confronting her mom on this and flew to meet her in her home country of Equador. Her mom was elderly and cried and cried for she knew what this man did to his daughter and allowed it. She had to forgive her mom for this on the spot and was at peace. Her husband said she was a changed woman and that the Holy Spirit healed his wife from excessive anger. She was very calm and normal to me, but according to her kids and husband, she was not that way. She had a miraculous healing by the Holy Spirit and never received therapy, but if she had told someone, even her husband, he would have recommended counseling. He did recommend counseling for the anger, but she did not see that she had a problem. Thank God for this miracle and I am sure that you can also get this peace of mind and soul with therapy and prayer and time.

You will be in my prayers.

 

[bunnynessuk]

Hi,

Firstly thanks to everyone who has responded so far - it has been a great help.

Also thankyou to those who have PM-ed me I have read the resources provided!

The reason I have not (as yet) told any authoratitive figures of the abuse is because I know that it is not happening to anyone else - there are no close relatives or friends with young children nor do we have any neighbours - I also know that he isn’t doing this to my brother because he and I have a very close almost mother-son relationship owing to the fact that I bought him up (despite there being only 18mths gap between us due to our situation I taught him and myself to read write etc and I looked after him whilst we were in social care and the subsequent abuse in those situations) - our childhood was not a happy one! Also my father upon questioning by myself said that any suggestion of that was disgusting and ‘he could never tough a male in that way’ - in my view a pervert is a pervert but hey go figure!

I know that when/if I ever have/adopt my own children I would not allow him to have contact without myself present so no sleeping over at grannies - which may well be a problem for my mother but my kids my rules! My mum is likely to be oblivious to all this as when I once told a teacher that I suffered some kind of sexual abuse and he questioned my mother she told him that it must of been whilst I was in care and ‘certainly hadnt happened under her roof’.

Its a tough situation and I know in my mind that I will need to deal with it instead of ignoring it but I find it far easier to rationalise and ignore than to deal with it partcularly when the person I want answers from simply wont discuss what he did or why and actually gets angry at me for thinking about it!

I also have a problem with my subsequent actions to it - tatoos, sex, etc I grew up far too quickly (not just through my time in this household but being in care from such an early age) that I know I missed out on so much innocent time. I am engaged to a wonderful albeit non-catholic (yet) man and I feel for him because although I was his first (we did have pre-marital sex this has now stopped!) he will never have been mine and this is something which makes me feel guilty although he never dwells on it!

My other problem is that I have heard that promiscuity in under-developed girls can cause cervical/ovarian cancers and also add to the risk of breast cancer. I already suffer from an undiagnosed gynae trouble and I am worried that hnot only will he have ruined my childhood in many ways but that he may also be the reason for my lack of fertility and the increase in my chances of cancer - ( my birth mother died from breast cancer at the age of 24 - this i am told also increases my chances?) any advice on this would be be greatfully recieved!

Once more sorry for the long post!

God Bless

 

[gmarie21]

Hi,

My other problem is that I have heard that promiscuity in under-developed girls can cause cervical/ovarian cancers and also add to the risk of breast cancer. I already suffer from an undiagnosed gynae trouble and I am worried that hnot only will he have ruined my childhood in many ways but that he may also be the reason for my lack of fertility and the increase in my chances of cancer - ( my birth mother died from breast cancer at the age of 24 - this i am told also increases my chances?) any advice on this would be be greatfully recieved!

Once more sorry for the long post!

God Bless

I am adopted but my aunts (adopted) died in their 30s of breast cancer. One aunt’s daughter had a double mastectomy in her 20s. My other cousin is going to have her double mastectomy this Wednesday at the ripe old age of 25. She had all the biological tests and with the procedure she’s having, her chance of breast cancer will go from 89% to 5%. However, her chance of all the other female area cancers will still be high, but she wants to have children and doesn’t want to have a hystorectomy. My cousin will be off of work for 2 months, but it’s better than dying of cancer. However, it has been quite the emotional rollar coaster ride for her.