Fiance's bachelor party

[LostLilly]

I’ve really been struggling with the idea of my fiance’s bachelor party. I know his friends, and I know that they’re planning on taking him to a strip club. I’ve explained to him multiple times how much the thought is tearing me up inside. His response has been that he doesn’t want to go, but there’s “nothing he can do” if his friends decide that’s on the agenda. We recently converted to Catholicism, and we completely changed our lives around. We stopped having premarital sex, I’ve stopped looking at porn and masturbating. I want so much for our wedding night to be special, and it feels like if he does this he’s taking that away from me. It feels like I’m putting forth all of this effort so that my thoughts can be solely on him that night, and he just views sex as… well, just sex. It feels like if he does this, he’s saying that he doesn’t want to give me his all. My thoughts are torturing me, leading me in circles and leaving me depressed for weeks now. I’ve prayed every single day, over and over, begging God to touch his heart and keep him from sin. I need advice and prayers. Is there a different way I could look at this? I know I need to forgive him if it does happen, but it’s such a short time before our wedding day. I just can’t seem to get past this. Thank you in advance for your thoughts and insight.

 

[Elf01]

His response has been that he doesn’t want to go, but there’s “nothing he can do”

Not true. He can refuse to go or not let them organize it in the first place.

 

[LostLilly]

I agree, but he doesn’t seem to view it in that way. It’s feels to me like he’s valuing his friends opinions of him over mine, and what’s worse over God’s view of marriage. It kills me because it’s not just about my own feelings being hurt, it’s about disobeying the Lord. And as his future wife I’m supposed to help keep him from sin. It’s breaking my heart

 

[TheLittleLady]

His response has been that he doesn’t want to go, but there’s “nothing he can do” if his friends decide that’s on the agenda

He simply does not get in a vehicle that is driving to a strip club. He is a grown man.

Best, he calls his friends and says "as my bachelor party, we are going to play golf (or go fishing, or go to a nice steakhouse, or to eat BBQ). You are welcome to join me at 7 PM on X date.

 

[LostLilly]

How do I convince him of this? I feel like I’ve explained all of this and he doesn’t see it as a big deal. He’s completely okay with hurting me, and I’m not sure how to go on from there. The wedding is almost here, it’s too late to go back. I love him so much but I can’t see how this won’t hurt our marriage if he goes

 

[TheLittleLady]

He’s completely okay with hurting me, and I’m not sure how to go on from there.

Never in a thousand years would I marry, nor would I advise my daughter, sister, friend, to marry a man who is okay with hurting them.

The wedding is almost here, it’s too late to go back.

No, until the vows are exchanged you are perfectly free to walk away.

I love him so much but I can’t see how this won’t hurt our marriage if he goes

He is giving you a giant red flag.

Remember, people do not change after marriage. You cannot change him. Only if you can accept living with him for the next 60 years, raising children with him, exactly as he is TODAY as far as actions, world view, beliefs, morals, ought you marry this man.

We stopped having premarital sex

Understand that the sex/sexual acts, you did share have given you a hormonal bond where it is difficult to see him clearly. You are literally blinded by these hormones.

 

[FOG]

I’ll never forget my son’s wedding shower and bachelor party…The “shower” was held in a buddies garage…instead of cake there was a 6 foot submarine sandwich…each guest bought power tools as gifts from his “wish list”…games included races in screwing screws into boards, sawing two by fours, etc…was really kind of neat…bachelor party (I didn’t go…) was the gang of friends taking a lesson and parachuting out of airplanes…

So, it can be done without strippers, and no, he doesn’t have to go…what he can do about it, is simply say NO!

 

[Mtatum1958]

but there’s “nothing he can do” if his friends decide that’s on the agenda.

To quote a TV actor, Horse Hockey. It’s his event. If he doesn’t want that, and they are really friends, all he has to do is say so. If he wants or agrees, don’t use his friends as an excuse.

 

[Mtatum1958]

My son’s consisted of a half day at the shooting range (automatic weapons included, then a cookout with the time honored pastime of grilling meat.

 

[F_Marturana]

There really shouldn’t be another answer.

All he needs to say he doesn’t want a party and won’t attend one.

 

[Lou2U]

The wedding is almost here, it’s too late to go back.

It’s not too late to go back. If you’re having doubts, don’t marry him.

It’s a massive red flag that he is putting the opinions of his friends above yours. It’s also a red flag that he won’t stand up for what he believes in. If they were truly his friends, they would respect his stance.

 

[F_Marturana]

Tell him if he goes you won’t marry him.

That’s it.

If he decides that he would rather go look at scantily clad women undressing than marry you, then you are better off.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Last couple of bachelor parties I went to involved (1), going to a major league baseball game, eating hot dogs and crappy nachos and getting roaring drunk followed by shooting darts at a local dive bar on the wrong side of the tracks; and (2), enjoying a stag weekend at some mountain resort during which we went hiking or fishing during the day, bbq’d our dinners and gambled at the nearby Indian casino at night. The prospective husband set the terms in both cases; we joked with them that they were already in their future wives’ tight grip but that was as far as that went and their decisions were respected in the end. Not sure what I’ll do when my time comes, but for sure women of questionable virtue will not be involved.

I won’t offer counseling to the wife here, not my thing, only saying that it is possible for the man to set the terms for his party and for those terms to be respected, all joking around aside.

 

[TC3033]

Personally, I’d be careful utilizing this approach…you might get what you ask for.

I know it would have been a huge red flag for me if my wife said “if you do this, I won’t marry you” when it came down to my bachelor party.

 

[Elf01]

I know it would have been a huge red flag for me if my wife said “if you do this, I won’t marry you” when it came down to my bachelor party.

Since what he wants to do is sinful and imo a form of cheating on me I’d be prepared to accept the consequences. Not sure about the OP though.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’ve honestly never known a guy whose “bachelor party” involved a strip club. I know such guys exist, but usually the “bachelor parties” I’ve been aware of were more along the lines of a bunch of guys got drunk watching sports together and then went to some bar (no strippers involved) and got more drunk.

 

[TC3033]

Like I said, your call and for you you’re good with the possible outcome.

An ultimatum as such would raise flags for me, personally.

 

[TC3033]

I’ve been to a couple (incl mine). The only reason we went was due to state laws. Where we were, bar time was 1am…across the river where the club was the closest bar (5-10 min) it was 2am.

We went over there for the extra hour.

 

[Clementine14]

My husband’s friends wanted to take him to a strip club, and he shut it down. He’s showing you whose opinion matters more, and it’s not yours.

If he’s willing to do something that’s hurtful to you in order to avoid being direct with his friends, that’s a problem and it won’t be the last time.

 

[Psalm30]

there’s “nothing he can do”

Yes there is. He can tell his friends his fiancée isn’t comfortable with the idea of a strip club and ask them to please choose another activity. If they refuse to listen to him, he can refuse to attend the party. Him saying there is “nothing he can do” is a cop-out.

I want so much for our wedding night to be special, and it feels like if he does this he’s taking that away from me. It feels like I’m putting forth all of this effort so that my thoughts can be solely on him that night, and he just views sex as… well, just sex.

That’s very sad. It doesn’t sound like he’s husband material.

My thoughts are torturing me, leading me in circles and leaving me depressed for weeks now.

Be prepared to feel like this every week for the rest of your life if you marry him.

Is there a different way I could look at this?

No.

The wedding is almost here, it’s too late to go back.

No, it’s not too late to go back.

You might lose some money if you’ve paid for a reception hall, a wedding dress that can’t be returned, etc. And, yeah, your families and guests may be disappointed. But that’s nothing compared to a life of misery and/or an ugly divorce and annulment process (and remember, annulments aren’t always granted).