Free Will when God ‘Wills’ you to marry someone

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angel83

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Hi all! My question involves God ‘willing’ you to be with someone. Sorry this is going to be long but I have to list all factors going on.

First of all I’m starting a new ministry that has such unimaginable power to revitalize and impact the Catholic Church as a whole. I prayed for help to carry this out- and the events, signs, everything, that led this one guy to give up everything he has to move and work on it with me are nothing short of miraculous. He is MEANT to be my ministry partner. The demonic attacks for us both in the past few months have been scary, pushing us both to our breaking points. To make things even worse he has developed strong romantic feelings for me, which I am abhorred by. I was honest and told him I in no way could EVER see myself with him, which almost destroyed him. He went to Adoration telling God the attacks had to stop and came out with what he says was a very supernatural experience telling him to go on with the ministry and all would be OK. And that he would be with me.

He comes back and tells me this and that he knows EQUALLY well as I ‘think’ that I know otherwise, that he’s meant to be with me. God TOLD HIM SO and that in time I’ll see. I feel like I can’t go on anymore. The thought of it being God’s will that I be with him sends me into panic attacks, I practically hyperventilate, I cry myself to sleep at night, I shiver and I feel numb, like I was just betrayed and backstabbed a million times by God. I feel if one thing could break my relationship with Him it’s this- making and willing me be with someone that I don’t want to be with. I feel/know so deeply in the fiber of my being that my heart is meant for someone else. But he feels/knows just as deeply that his heart is meant for me.

On his side he and I are the seemingly perfect match. We both possess so many ‘one in a million’ traits that go along perfectly. The similarities/coincidences are downright scary. From the outside you’d really think we were soul mates or something. I feel like he’s right, people that match our personalities come along rarely…… but I know they exist. I’ve met a few and I think he’s blinded by the fact that he’s up here alone, lonely, not knowing anyone- and too blindly ‘in love’ with me to realize there could be others. I take these scary similarities/coincidences to mean he’s up here from God as a gift of an awesome friend and ministry partner, nothing else. I know the Devil has been distorting things left and right lately and don’t know if his MIRACLE experience was the voice of God? Other factors include that I’m mentally stable and willing to get into a relationship if it was the right guy. It’s not like I’m too ‘scared’ or think that ‘he’s so good I don’t deserve him’ type of thing. I go to Mass/Adoration/pray the rosary often. Also I’m spiritually mature to not have ‘a will’ on so many huge things in my life. I’ve given up my will on friends, relationships, career, even the ministry, etc. But I just can’t surrender to be OK with being with a person that I violently in my soul feel isn’t the one.

Whatever the case, I need help as I really do feel like I can’t go on. This awesome ministry is on the brink of destruction and so as my relationship with God as I feel so betrayed. A priest gave him one opinion and my mom gave me another. I really just want to take this to the ‘body of Christ’ to see what everyone’s feelings are. So a few questions are,
#1 can God force you to fall in love with and be with someone that you feel so in your heart you don’t want to be with??… like think God shooting you with cupid’s arrow or forcing love portion on you
#2 If God doesn’t ‘force’ He still has a ‘Will’ as to who we marry right? Where does our free will come in if I choose against God’s ‘Will’? Am I going to be forever screwed just cause I picked say an orange when God wanted me to pick an apple? I just can’t imagine a loving God if me exercising my free will in this situation would make God be like “well now that you denied my one and only selection you’re going to have to suffer for the rest of your life”.
 
I don’t know much, but I do know that if God wills two people to marry each other, He will inform both of you. Absolutely do not feel obliged to enter a romantic relationship with someone claiming God has told him that you two will be together. Many God-loving, but mentally or emotionally disturbed, people have made such a claim.
 
#1 can God force you to fall in love with and be with someone that you feel so in your heart you don’t want to be with??… like think God shooting you with cupid’s arrow or forcing love portion on you
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No No No Can’t happen. Free Will is just that and God does not impose His Will, He leaves it to us.
#2 If God doesn’t ‘force’ He still has a ‘Will’ as to who we marry right? Where does our free will come in if I choose against God’s ‘Will’? Am I going to be forever screwed just cause I picked say an orange when God wanted me to pick an apple? I just can’t imagine a loving God if me exercising my free will in this situation would make God be like “well now that you denied my one and only selection you’re going to have to suffer for the rest of your life”.
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Whatever is going on there, I don’t believe this guy is getting his supernatural experience from God.

From what you posted, he is harrassing you by continually bringing the subject up. You need to set some ground rules NOW. If he says something, get up and leave the room without saying a word. Go for a walk or something and say a Divine Mercy Chaplet. Just tell him this is what you are going to do every time he says or does anything to distress you.

This is emotional abuse and for the sake of the work you are doing it must stop or the work will fold and Satan will have a victory.
 
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angel83:
He comes back and tells me this and that he knows EQUALLY well as I ‘think’ that I know otherwise, that he’s meant to be with me. God TOLD HIM SO and that in time I’ll see. I feel like I can’t go on anymore. The thought of it being God’s will that I be with him sends me into panic attacks, I practically hyperventilate, I cry myself to sleep at night, I shiver and I feel numb, like I was just betrayed and backstabbed a million times by God. I feel if one thing could break my relationship with Him it’s this- making and willing me be with someone that I don’t want to be with. I feel/know so deeply in the fiber of my being that my heart is meant for someone else. But he feels/knows just as deeply that his heart is meant for me.

I feel so much for you. No, God will not force you to love someone and your feelings that this man isn’t meant for you might actually be God telling you exactly that. ‘This man isn’t meant for you.’ This guy does not sound wonderful. He sounds mentally unstable, manipulative and selfish. If he truely loved you, he would leave you alone and not use God as a weapon to try and force you to love him.

On his side he and I are the seemingly perfect match. We both possess so many ‘one in a million’ traits that go along perfectly. The similarities/coincidences are downright scary. From the outside you’d really think we were soul mates or something. I feel like he’s right, people that match our personalities come along rarely…… but I know they exist.

Being similar does not always make a soul mate-if there is even such a thing. My hubby is talkative and outgoing while I am shy and introverted. He loves all sports and Nascar. I would prefer to read or paint and I can not understand the appeal of cars whizzing around in a circle. In many ways we are opposite but we go together well and I am incrediably happy with him.

#2 If God doesn’t ‘force’ He still has a ‘Will’ as to who we marry right? Where does our free will come in if I choose against God’s ‘Will’? Am I going to be forever screwed just cause I picked say an orange when God wanted me to pick an apple? I just can’t imagine a loving God if me exercising my free will in this situation would make God be like “well now that you denied my one and only selection you’re going to have to suffer for the rest of your life”.
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I am probably in the minority on this opinion but I don’t believe that there is one right person for anyone. There are probably a few different people for each one of us that we could choose from and be happy with. IF you don’t feel in your heart that this person is right for you, then he isn’t. Case closed. God isn’t that spiteful that he would punish you over something like this.

What worries me about your post is that you sound as if someone is manipulating you. What is the age difference between you and this man?
 
Thanks so much for the replies! I’m 22 and he’s 26. He’s actually one of the most unselfish and self-sacrificial people I’ve ever met and others see this clearly in him as well. I admit he has been very high/low emotional but I’m thinking who wouldn’t with the attacks he’s been under. There has been A LOT of stuff going on and his feelings for me are just part of it. He doesn’t want them, and has been trying so hard for the past month to never bring them up to me because he knows they would be a burden. He was having these repetitive nightmares for a few weeks though, that were killing him and eventually had to. When he told me about them I knew they were demonic… he was taken into my head almost and that scared me, truth was mixed with such lies, and voices were telling him the ministry would fail and that his money and time were in vain. These got so bad that he went before the Eucharist and that’s where he said he saw white light radiating and God spoke to him about the ministry as well as me. Now my mom says most likely a good message got twisted by either himself of the enemy… But his nightmares have stopped, he’s euphoric, and now I’m the one freaking out feeling betrayed by God.

Anyway just wanted to clarify that he’s not being manipulative, at least not purposely. He truly believes God spoke to him and only told me that he feels he’s meant to be with me a total of two times now. He sees that I’m upset and has completely backed off, but now that leaves me feeling like I’ve been given a death sentence. I feel like I’d rather be a nun or remain single for the rest of my life, but feel if I exercise my free will I’ll end up like Jonah eaten by the whale or something. It’s terrible and it’s making me second guess God’s love.
 
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TridentineFan:
if God wills two people to marry each other, He will inform both of you.
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You beat me to it. This is absolutely right.

I am curious why Angel doesn’t see herself ever being with this man as “everyone else” sees a good match. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should consider it. Clearly you have strong feelings about it and those feelings are certainly valid. That he tells you God said it is enough to run for the hills.

If you are crying yourself to sleep, rest assured that God will not trap you into marrying someone against your will.

Does God have someone for you specifically? I’ve debated this with my best friend for years. He says yes. He is 36 and never married (but with a good prospect now). I said no and got married at 28 to a woman I love more everyday.

Then again, God’s plans are different for each person. Some seem to have a soul mate. I believe that is the exception. Most of us are not destined for one particular person.

But if you can list why you don’t see yourself with this man, it may help you figure out what you really want in a husband.
 
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angel83:
These got so bad that he went before the Eucharist and that’s where he said he saw white light radiating and God spoke to him about the ministry as well as me.
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Years ago a good friend of mine told me she had a vision. She believed God told her she would marry a man named Michael.

Fast forward 10 years. Last I heard she was engaged to a man named Harrold.

True story.
 
Here’s a question, Angel83:
Have you ever before heard someone say to someone else “You have to do what I want, because God told me so”? If you have, did you believe or trust the person who said that?

What you describe sounds to me like this:
Him: I want to marry you.
You: No.
(A little later)
Him: GOD wants me to marry you. He told me so.

You’ve said that both of you have been under demonic attack, and that the attack included deceptions, yes? And the result of his action in telling you this, has been what? Fear, grief, anxiety, disruption of your ministry?
“By their fruits ye shall know them.”

Edit to add two things.
One, my reference to “their fruits” is to the fruits of your friend’s “experience”, not meant as any disparagement of him.
Two, I agree with TridentineFan. If God wants this, He will tell both of you, not just him.
May the peace of Christ, which is beyond our understanding, fill your life.
 
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angel83:
I feel like I’d rather be a nun or remain single for the rest of my life, but feel if I exercise my free will I’ll end up like Jonah eaten by the whale or something. It’s terrible and it’s making me second guess God’s love.
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Jonah was punished for disobeying God by not going to Ninevah. That is much different than getting married.
If you believe this man is not for you, I’m saying you are right. That is what God’s will is for you right now. Don’t get involved. In fact this whole episode should encourage you to re-evaluate your working relationship to this man.

It just seems odd to me that God would have two single people of the opposite sex work so closely together. One could say it places you in a situation that could cause an occasion of sin.

That this man is now going somewhere you don’t want to go is a warning sign. I don’t see a precedent for God joining singles in ministry like this. This situation is not the place for you.
 
SemperJese- It’s funny cause this guy fits almost everything on my list… others see this but agree that some how it’s still not right. For me it’s just a ‘DEEP core of by being’ thing… it’s just screaming no your heart isn’t meant for him… your heart is meant for someone else". I know my list well but also know that there are others, though rare, who fit it too.
LOL about your Eucharist story. Ya know my mom’s friend was just telling me when she traveled the world as a missionary that she couldn’t tell me the number of guys who actually DID hear God talking to them on a regular basis (getting them out of dangers in Africa, etc) and they also claimed they HEARD it was God’s will for them to marry her. The first experience freaked her out too because she knew in her soul that wasn’t the case- yet God was SPEAKING to them. Well after the first time when this happened, when future guys told her they knew they were the one, she would just laugh and be like “well obviously not if God isn’t telling BOTH of us that!” She ended up marring a guy from her childhood who was in her heart.
So I guess maybe you and TridentineFan are right!
I see your point- I often wish I was working with a girl…haha. But the fact that we are supposed to work in ministry together is obvious, although it would take too long to explain. Know that gifted spiritually discerning people around here confirm that. I know he could be a god given gift of a great friend if he could just let go. I guess God is just strengthening our character and teaching us through this whole thing. I am already seeing I have trust issues with God being ‘mean’, when I wasn’t aware I even had them. And I’m learning that you always have to test and discern when God ‘speaks’… lessons I wouldn’t have learned if it weren’t for being in this situation with him.

To everyone else- Thanks so much!! Especially for your empathy. Great advice that I will take to prayer. So I guess the body of Christ seems to be confirming that God doesn’t force things like this and that when you use your free will you can still end up happy?
 
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angel83:
So I guess the body of Christ seems to be confirming that God doesn’t force things like this and that when you use your free will you can still end up happy?
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Think of it this way, this guy supposedly already knew that he was going to be with you. Why would God then speak to him about something he already knew. If that were really the case, God would give you the message. God doesn’t need to tell people something they already know. He tells people who don’t know. It just doesn’t make sense God would tell him but not you. It sounds from your last reply that you have been relieved of this worry somewhat. Your mom’s friend is exactly right.

Now this is just personal curiosity. As for your list, there must be something that tells you he isn’t for you. Not physically attracted? I’ve found people (especailly religious people) don’t like to admit this because they think it is shallow, but it isn’t. Physical attraction is important at the beginning. This importance diminishes over the years as it gets replaced with something stronger. But if it isn’t there to begin with, that is a deal breaker. Who have you ever met that has ever said, “When I met my husband I thought he was ugly”.

My other guess would be he is too pushy or aggressive in the relationship department. Perhaps it is more than that though.

I’ve heard a good theory on what women want in a husband from a clinical psychologist. She said a woman wants a man who is:
  1. Taller
  2. Smarter
  3. Richer (or the potential to earn more)
    Sometimes she will settle for 2 out of the three.
It seems true from my observation of couples I know.

I’m still going with lack of physical attraction though. 😉
 
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SemperJase:
Now this is just personal curiosity. As for your list, there must be something that tells you he isn’t for you. Not physically attracted? I’ve found people (especailly religious people) don’t like to admit this because they think it is shallow, but it isn’t. Physical attraction is important at the beginning. This importance diminishes over the years as it gets replaced with something stronger. But if it isn’t there to begin with, that is a deal breaker. Who have you ever met that has ever said, “When I met my husband I thought he was ugly”.
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Thank you. It’s good to hear someone else say this. I want a nice Catholic girl, and there is plenty out there, but if I am not physically attracted it will never work. I am not shallow by any means, but I have to be attracted at least in some way. Girls are the same way, they just won’t admit it 😛

By the way Angel83, I think you are supposed to fly to North Carolina and come see me. I had a vision. (See how silly that sounds?)

Love doesn’t hurt. That is what my mom always told me. If I am ever dating a girl and it gets to the point of her nagging me to death, or she does something that hurts me, then it is over. If you are crying yourself to sleep at night, trust me, that isn’t, nor will it ever be, love.

Here is a little tidbit about girls I have picked up. When I girl meets you for the first time, she decides right then and there if she could have your babies one day or not. The guy can either make her fall in love by acting correctly, or do the wrong things and bomb it. But once a girl decides that you are “no go” then there is NOTHING that a man can do about it. Honestly, think about it. After a break up the guy usually always comes crawling back talking about his “feelings”. (women do 90% of the dumping :P) She may think its cute for a little bit, but they always end up breaking up again. After one or two more times of that she has enough resentment to finally say no. Once a girl decides, it is over.

So, Angel, I know for a fact you gave him the big “no” stamp. Nothing will ever change that. Tell him to get over it, or find a new partner. Or, meet me at Starbucks. After all, I did see a bright light.

Adam
 
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angel83:
but feel if I exercise my free will I’ll end up like Jonah eaten by the whale or something. It’s terrible and it’s making me second guess God’s love.
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The thing is, God told Jonah to go to Ninevah. God did not tell you to marry this man. If He wants you to do something, He will let you know Himself; He won’t be sending it through an intermediary.
 
Angel, it seems to me, as I read your description of this fellow and your relationship, that his emotional stability is not what it should be. However spiritual you may consider him, if his spiritual life isn’t built upon a foundation of good commonsense and respect for you as an individual separate from himself, his insight into what your relationship is or should be is only so much emotional blackmail.
 
Yeah I guess you guys are some what right… cause there is 0 physical attraction. The personality thing, although he has all Christ like qualities I love, isn’t really there either. I feel like I just don’t ‘connect’ to him or the way he is, I don’t feel drawn to his ‘essence’ or his ‘vibe’, if that makes sense. There are other guys that I have met that I do, that I connect with and am ‘drawn to’. Not him. But he’s not too pushy. At least not romantically. He can be a bit for pushing friendship emotional intimacy (which I don’t want a lot of right now) cause he’s lonely. He knows no one up here.

See, he’s never met anyone like me who shares some of his characteristics, where as I have, and I think that is blinding him. I’m EXTREMELY religious and for someone AS religious as I am you usually don’t find out in bars having a good time (don’t worry, I don’t abuse) or getting along with the secular world as well as I do. He’s afraid I think that he’ll never find another Godly girl who can go to bars with him, not freak out at swear words, accept and not judge all of the ‘bad things’ of his past, stuff like that. But I know other religious girls like this exist!

I never had romantic feelings for say my high school boyfriend at first either. Neutral. Physical attraction didn’t come for 4 months. But from the second I met him I was in awe from his essence and vibe, our personalities clicked unbelievably. I think that’s what’s making me freak out so much at the thought of being with this ministy parnter, I know these things aren’t and never will be there.

This leads me to a new theory I’m developing about ‘cupid’s arrow’ eventually hitting. I think when you meet people you are either are ‘neutral’ towards them romantically, or have ‘No/Ewww/Never’ feelings. I think it’s these neutral feelings where you could one day find yourself in love. On most cases the later won’t change unless the person wills, is OPEN, or prays that the feelings change. And that’s where free will comes in. Sound right?
 
Being young once (a looonnnnggg time ago…) my advice - working in a “ministry” together, just the two of you, is NOT a good idea. You are both single and young. Find more people, work within a group - this will allow the young man to focus his emotions on the ministry, and not romanticize the ministry.
 
Does the gentleman in question have a spiritual director? It sounds like whatever he’s going through, he needs help discerning. It’s dangerous to do so on one’s own. (IMHO) —KCT
 
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KCT:
Does the gentleman in question have a spiritual director? It sounds like whatever he’s going through, he needs help discerning. It’s dangerous to do so on one’s own. (IMHO) —KCT
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When I got to the end of this, I was going to ask the same question- and do you, Angel, have a spiritual director? You both need to go chat up your own indivudal spiritual director.

God might put compatible people in your path. It’s my personal opinion that God would like us to take our time choosing a spouse, and to have some things in common with them (but not everything).

But does He force it? No. Does he tell one person and not the other? No. Is there only one true person with whom you must spend the rest of your life, or God will make marriage with anybody else a living nightmare where you will never have peace and happiness? No.
 
angel83,

I may be repeating what others have already said but, IF God intends for the both of you to be together, He will let Both of you know – and He speaks with Love, not Fear.

If you are fearful, having panic attacks and you just can’t picture yourself with him, calm down God may not be calling you to be with him. It does sound as though those *demonic spirits * are working overtime.

If you have a beautiful new ministry starting, it’s probably all part of the distraction game. Pay no attention to it. Let your “partner” know that you intend to focus just on the ministry and you would feel better if he would, too. That way, if God has any other plans, they will unfold in a beautiful, peaceful way without fear and panic — and distraction.

Just my thoughts, hope they helped.
 
I’ve been trying to find a suitable spiritual director for myself for months- every one I’ve tried talking to has put so much of their own opinions and twists on things, that it’s been disastrous. So in the mean time I’m using my mom who is the most spiritually mature and wise person I know, and who has never lead me astray or been wrong once.

He- because myself and others have had such bad experiences with spiritual directors, I’m terrified of setting him up with one. I feel like any ‘off’ opinions or advice could destroy the ministry. Any advice?
 
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