Gossipy MIL and 15 characters

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Allegra

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What would you do if you found out a family member was gossiping negatively about you? Last week we were on a vacation to visit my MIL and we spent the day with her. Among other things, we went on a several-hour long boat tour of the area which was a lot of fun. During the tour, my 3yo, who has been a struggle to potty train, had an accident. He was wearing a pullup and we changed him in the bathroom at the next boat stop. We don’t really consider this an issue as we are still working on him with potty training, especially for BM. She didn’t say anything about it at the time, however, when we returned home from the trip, we found out that she had sent my mother a long text rant telling her that we were lazy parents and a 3yo that has accidents is “unacceptable”. My mother was completely shocked and basically told her that when she has a concern, she’ll raise it with us directly. I’m very much annoyed that I’m being called a “lazy parent” by someone I just forked over a considerable amount of money, time, and effort of packing up three young children for an 8 hour car ride to see. My husband doesn’t really want to confront her on it, and I don’t really care if he does or not, but I do want to remove her from my social media and I’ve asked him not to share more than “directory information” about our family with her in the future. You can’t judge what you don’t know, right? Does that seem like reasonable measures to you? My mom’s still deciding if it would be a good idea to block her number or not. She thinks she’s a complete kook.
 
Some people can’t help themselves. Your MIL might be one of these people. By that, I mean she doesn’t even have a clue as to the impact of her behavior. Perhaps she doesn’t have empathy like the average person.

If I were you, I would have an open and honest (non-acusatory) converesation with her. I would state the facts about what happened, then I would let her know how her actions impacted you, your husband, and your own mother. Let her know it isn’t how you “roll” and that, moving forward, that kind of thing can’t happen again if you are to have a loving relationship between her and your family (husband, kids, extended family).

Some people really just are that clueless. It may be all she knows, and it may be “normal” for her. You should consider letting her know it isn’t normal for you. I would be very matter-of-fact about it. Don’t shame her or belittle her.

If, after that, her poor behavior continues then I would consider the areas where you can cut her out to maintain your peace of mind.
 
Why would your husband not wish to defend his wife and child?
 
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Does your MIL meddle a lot, or was this a one-time boundary cross?
 
I know, right! She was put on the spot too. She was actually with my aunties and my step-mom at the pool when this message came in and she was like “what the (&($&(#?!” and they apparently offered all manner of less-than-appropriate responses.
 
He wants to avoid drama. He figures that we weren’t meant to hear about the message anyway. He doesn’t want to start stuff with the rest of his family. He figures that she lives two states away anyway, so it isn’t worth the effort and she was probably drunk when she wrote it. (She has a history of drunken social media and texting incidents.) And he was raised in a sort of “everyones-entitled-to-their-opinion-don’t-be-so-sensitive” kind of mindset. That sort of thing.
 
She lives two states away, so she doesn’t have a whole lot of opportunities, however, this is far from the first time. The ratio of boundary infractions to general interactions is not too good.
 
Neither one of my sons were completely potty trained at 3. It’s fine.

Shouldn’t she have been grateful spending time with the grandkids?
 
I’d consider it a blessing that she doesn’t live too close to you. She definitely crossed a boundary, but, after your initial reaction, it’s probably best to ignore her. And yes…don’t share social media with her. And, let your mom know that you’re doing that!

Your husband probably should stick up for you more often, but since she doesn’t live nearby, you could let it go, for now. Unless he disagrees with you about social media, and seeing her too often. He should be the principal family contact with his family members, not you!

Yes, three-year-olds make ’ mistakes’. You should not be concerned, at this point.
 
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Doesn’t every preschool & kindergarten everywhere ask moms to bring an extra change of clothes for their kid to have on hand “just in case”?? I taught pre-k & k kids for years. Kids most definitely have accidents well past age 3!

Incidentally I was told by my son’s nationally-respected GI specialist that daytime accidents are “developmentally acceptable” until age 7 & night time accidents are “developmentally acceptable” until age 14. He said everyone is always shocked to hear that, but a child isn’t “delayed” unless they’re outside those parameters. There are just so many variations on “normal.”

As to your MIL, I probably wouldn’t confront… I’d just absolutely quit sharing much info with her about the kids development, your parenting style, etc. anymore… and then I’d make sure ya’ll don’t visit her very often at ALL. Skype instead or something.

Of course if your husband wants a “close relationship” with her, that’s trickier… then maybe I’d tell her ONCE and firmly: if you want to continue having a close relationship with your grandchild you need to discontinue gossiping about our parenting “issues” to others. Keep them to yourself or talk to us directly. If we hear your criticism from a third-party again, you won’t be getting a visit with again until you apologize to us and them.

I can’t recommend enough the book “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. A must-read for anyone with in laws (or family members for that matter!)
 
Social media adds a strange new twist to how you should react.

People have become used to (trained?), that it’s somehow okay (not sinful and safe vs. face to face), to bear false witness (gossip/lying), when done over SM.

Coincidentally, it’s like being drunk.

P.S We too have to be careful what we think and say (8th), about the MIL. (1857, 1859)
 
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I have a pretty strong passive-aggressive streak, so take this for what it’s worth:

Don’t go to see her until your kids are all 100% potty trained. When she asks why you aren’t coming, let her know that you’re aware of how stressful it is for her when the kids have an accident…you’re just trying to be a good daughter-in-law and not cause her stress. 😉

All right, I know that’s not a very Christian response…but it would be kinda fun (n the short term).

As suggested upthread, a frank conversation with her is the most appropriate response. And the conversation has to be with both you and your husband.
 
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Could MIL have a drinking problem?

If she does , she’s going to need to address that before addressing gossip problem.
 
Glennon_P said:
Don’t go to see her until your kids are all 100% potty trained. When she asks why you aren’t coming, let her know that you’re aware of how stressful it is for her when the kids have an accident…you’re just trying to be a good daughter-in-law and not cause her stress. 😉
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🤣 haha, that would be funny! Too bad it could be unreasonable to maintain, though. If she has a big family it could mean never seeing her MIL again. I’ve had at least one kid in diapers for nine years running now & there’s another baby due in the spring. I should add we have family with opinions about when we should potty train too. Why do folks think they get to opine about these things? :roll_eyes:
 
Jen7 said:
I’ve had at least one kid in diapers for nine years running now & there’s another baby due in the spring.
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I seemed like I was shopping in the diaper aisle at the grocery store forever…but happily, one day…I GOT TO PASS IT BY. And it’s glorious!
 
This is why I LOVE the facebook privacy settings. You can make your default to go to your friends “except” certain people. They never know that you have them restricted, but, they simply are not going to see what you share.

It is perfectly normal for a 3 year old to be learning to use the toilet, for a kid without any disabilities, if they are not in the training process by age 4 I’d start to worry.
 
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That’s too bad. 😦 She really can’t control her self then. Your responsibility is to your kids. It’s good she’s 2 states away.
 
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My husband doesn’t want me to restrict her because she apparently enjoys seeing photos and hearing about the kids. I’m just not interested in being “mommy-shamed” by someone who can’t even remember to give her phone to a responsible adult before she pops the cork. I told her the last time she ranted on me on facebook that if she did it again, I would be removing her from my social media. I guess she figured it didn’t count if she did it through my mom.
 
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