Have past sexual experiences been tough for you in future relationship?

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GospelOfMatthew

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Has anyone found that past sexual experiences, especially if they were multiple times (I mean consensual experiences) have made it tougher for you in future relationships?

Do you feel guilty or sad or regretful or feel that you should apologize to the person you are currently in a relationship with?

For those who are married, has it been painful knowing your spouse has had other sexual experiences, whether sex or different sexual acts?
 
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I have no regrets as I have had only one sexual partner in my life - my wife. I know we are the exception to most people, but there are no skeletons in our closet. My wife never has to doubt my sincerity or commitment to her alone. I compare her to know one. I think this is what God intended.
 
For me, the answer to all three questions is a simple and definite no. After I met my spouse, other past relationships faded away into the past. No skeletons here either, perhaps for a different reason. It was the beginning of a new life, together with and for each other.

After 36 years of life together, with all the ups and downs, good and bad, and sickness and health experiences, those relationships and feelings would seem trivial and insignificant.
 
Yes. Knowing my husband had a various sexual partners in his past used to make me extremely sad. He was not religious and nothing about the way he was raised would have required him not to, but I couldn’t shake it.

It hurt me most when we then fell into various sexual sins and on top of the sorrow I felt in my relationship with God(weeping in the pew, skipping communion) I also felt like I had joined the ranks of all these women and could not be any more special to him than them.

Knowing he wanted to marry me made a difference. Knowing he understood a sacramental marriage after our marriage prep (though ours would be only valid for a time) helped.

A little less than two years into our marriage, the waters of baptism washed all sorts of stank off him and made our marriage a sacrament. That and the abundance of children we have had together erased the last of any damages his past or our sins together had left.

God wants us to wait and give ourselves completely to our spouse. There is so much hurt when it doesn’t go that way, but all is not lost.
 
My wife was married previously and widowed, and brought two tenage boys into the marriage. They have since grown up and neither of them is religious. I think this may be because they didn’t do much praying at home or attend Church regularly. Their father was ill for much of their youth before he died and basically their mother was raising them by herself and would give in rather than stand things out. I often think that if i had got in earlier or even been their father, that things could have been different. But so many ifs. We can never know.
 
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Idk who my future wife is but I know she exists and is living somewhere. Thinking about her possibly doing different sexual things would make me sad if I knew her and we were close. But the same is for me I’m sure, she would be sad thinking about anything I have done.

Relationships should never be about sadness
 
Sure. I think the idea that your past decisions and experiences shape your future ones is common sense. This can be for the good and bad. Before my wife (and even during the early times in our relationship) I was sexually active. And by that I mean very sexually active. In a bad way. I was involved with a crowd that was incredibly hedonistic. Porn was in plain sight and sex was part of my lifestyle. This of course shaped my sexual identity and was something I needed to change. the problem is that once you burn things into your brain and become involved with them, they will always be there. My marriage is incredibly holy and sexually pure now, but it didn’t start out that way. And so because of that, there are things, even desires, that will never go away.
I suppose that there is good that came from it as well. But overall, I wish I was historically purer than my reality.
 
GospelOfMatthew said:
Relationships should never be about sadness
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I don’t know who fed you that idea, but it couldn’t be more wrong. The BEST relationships contain sadness. Mourning with someone is incredibly God inspired and intimate.
 
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It seems to be that sexual experiences that are not just hookups but loving experiences in past relationships that are intimate and passionate seem sad.

That level of emotional connectivity that was shared between two people is so special, doesn’t it hurt to think of your spouse or partner having that experience and connectivity with someone else?

Reason I bring it up is I have had multiple experiences recently (went to confession) and I am sad to think of someone else having experiences with this same person, probably because of how emotionally connective it is. So if she isn’t my future wife and someone else is, wouldn’t they be sad to know I have been so connective with someone else?
 
Hoosier-Daddy said:
But overall, I wish I was historically purer than my reality.
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My situation exactly. I was far more sexually active than my wife before we met. Actually, she wasn’t sexually active at all.

And yes, those memories of past girlfriends remain. Forever. And they cause stress, not so much between my wife and I but stress for me as those memories come back.

It’s very hard sometimes, even after more than 25 years of marriage.
 
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Well I mean, I’ve cried on the shoulder of a woman before while we were talking things out and yes this was very bonding and good but it was because I was anxious and depressed, not because of past things
 
I know it is hard to imagine now, but sadness from before you met will be a wonderful thing between you and a future spouse. My wife never met my father, he died when I was 19. But she has an incredible love for him through my sadness or regret.

I think though that it is appropriate to recognize that hurt and sadness and evil that was committed before your future relationship should be mourned and will probably be something that is an obstacle. but one that can be overcome.
 
GospelOfMatthew said:
It seems to be that sexual experiences that are not just hookups but loving experiences in past relationships that are intimate and passionate seem sad.

That level of emotional connectivity that was shared between two people is so special, doesn’t it hurt to think of your spouse or partner having that experience and connectivity with someone else?

Reason I bring it up is I have had multiple experiences recently (went to confession) and I am sad to think of someone else having experiences with this same person, probably because of how emotionally connective it is. So if she isn’t my future wife and someone else is, wouldn’t they be sad to know I have been so connective with someone else?
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The fist thing I will say is that it is NOT emotionally connective later. 17 years of marriage and 7 kids later and I have almost NO recollection of the “emotional” connection I’m sure was incredibly deep with other women. But I do recall the physical connections.

Second, is that it has been positively heartbreaking watching your journey in your time posting here. I wan’t you to know that I have personally prayed for you several times and I know that you struggle with the faith and life and the world and how they all fit together. You do a good job expressing yourself, perhaps too good because there have been times where it was obvious to me that you were in incredible pain and were justifying it. Some of your posts on sexuality and morality still carry this justification that I believe you know is not really Holy… I just encourage you to continue to work through these things. I know you are a fan of Fr Mike, so keep leaning on that, and know that people you have never met are praying for you out of hopefulness and love.
 
I’ll put my life without advanced Math up against anyone else.
Of course my wife and I are proficient at multiplication…
 
GospelOfMatthew said:
That level of emotional connectivity that was shared between two people is so special, doesn’t it hurt to think of your spouse or partner having that experience and connectivity with someone else?
Click to expand...
It can hurt when you are dating or discerning marriage with the person. It doesn’t hurt once you’re well established spouses. It fills me with joy when I see my exes or my husband’s exes also happily married with children (or having otherwise found their vocation). God didn’t let our brokenness get in His way.
 
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GospelOfMatthew said:
has it been painful knowing your spouse has had other sexual experiences,
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Knowing my own personality and that of my wife, I’m sure it would have created difficulties had there been any. But God in his mercy and wisdom gave each of us the ideal partner, within whom no such memories exist.
 
GospelOfMatthew said:
Has anyone found that past sexual experiences, especially if they were multiple times (I mean consensual experiences) have made it tougher for you in future relationships?
Click to expand...
No.
GospelOfMatthew said:
Do you feel guilty or sad or regretful or feel that you should apologize to the person you are currently in a relationship with?
Click to expand...
No.
GospelOfMatthew said:
For those who are married, has it been painful knowing your spouse has had other sexual experiences, whether sex or different sexual acts?
Click to expand...
No.

This is not to condone or accept the immorality and sinfulness of it all, because those matters are with me and God. I’m answering only insofar is they relate to my relationship with my wife.
 
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