Heartbroken

[jules11]

I have posted a few things about the problems I’ve been having with my husband. For two weeks now, he’s been living with a friend and with God’s grace I have been coping with this but I’m having a ‘down’ day today.
We do not seem to be able to talk to each other at all. We both get very hurt every time we try.
He thinks that I contacted an old friend of mine (male) and would not believe me that this person turned up to visit on a whim. He stayed 15 minutes and knowing how jealous my husband gets, I thought it was the right thing to do to tell him the truth. But honesty didn’t pay this time. He said I was lying, that I contacted him to upset him, etc., when nothing could have been further from the truth.
I do not lie to him and would not do anything to jepardise our marriage that way. But EVERY man is a threat to him. And no matter how I pleaded with him, he hardened his heart and would not listen. Then he left.
He now says he misses me so much and that he loves me and wants to come home, but we both know that these problems go very deep and his coming home won’t fix things.
He did say last week that he knows it is him and that he can’t change it in himself, but this week, still acts like it is ALL me!

I have tried in the last five weeks to be as loving and as Christ-like as I can be, but all he sees is the opposite.
I have prayed every day, gone to adoration, been as patient as I can be, but these problems are all in his head and he is not one to admit that he is at fault in any way!
He will twist things so much so that he can blame me for everything.
I know that it’s not about blame… but it IS when it is one persons wild imaginations and thoughts that just aren’t true,are causing the problems. I could be the best wife in the world and he would still get upset about something that wasn’t meant to upset him. As an example, I received some flowers from a female friend a week ago and had to hide them, as I KNEW if he saw them, he would NOT believe they were from a woman!
How can I save a marriage when it depends on my husbands ability to see his faults? He seems to be such a tortured soul!
I have spoken to a priest, who seems to think this is a spiritual problem. We have seen counsellors, without any success. We do not have retrouvaille here where I am. I feel I am at the end of my tether!
I know this is my side… but I assure you, I do not lie, I would not commit adultery. I am not deceitful (as he thinks I am) and I do not go out of my way to upset him (as he says I do).
I may not do everything right, but I have been trying to be the best wife I can be. Now I just feel heartbroken and that this is a mountain that is too huge to get over.

 

[Toni]

Jules I continue to pray for you. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction with prayer and adoration. Have you talked to him about counseling or going together to see a priest?

 

[dulcissima]

Hey Jules, I wish I had some great advice for you, but then if I knew what to do in a situation like that, I’d be doing it myself. Stay close to God in all that you do. I’ll keep you in my prayers. I know how tough it is.

 

[jules11]

Thankyou, both of you…I have been ok and knowing that God knows my conscience, I feel peace about that, but I also feel so sad and lonely. All I can do today is cry.

 

[jules11]

Jules I continue to pray for you. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction with prayer and adoration. Have you talked to him about counseling or going together to see a priest?

Yes, he is reluctant to go, but will, for my sake… not his. But I am so concerned about going to a counselor as our problems are so huge that they may say that divorce is the only answer and it’s NOT what we want. It seems only a miracle can help us.

 

[SemperJase]

jules11:

He now says he misses me so much and that he loves me and wants to come home, but we both know that these problems go very deep and his coming home won’t fix things.
He did say last week that he knows it is him and that he can’t change it in himself, but this week, still acts like it is ALL me!

His behavior is erratic and paranoid. There may very well be deeper problems here. This is NOT rational behavior. Couples counseling will not help when one of the parties has problems that prevent rational thought.

You cannot prevent his paranoia. You are hiding flowers given to you by a woman because he will refuse to believe they are not from another man? Now if you truly have done nothing to warrant that suspicion (and I believe you when you say you have not) there is no way for you to change his feelings. He needs to seek help to find out why he is so paranoid that you are unfaithful when you have not given him reason to be suspicious.

 

[MercedesBents]

Do you think there’s any chance he’s using drugs and/or alcohol?

 

[otm]

When has he had his last full physical? Have you talked with his doctor? It is easy to say that he is over the edge, but there are not really enough facts at hand to say that; however, it may be time to move things up a notch and get a referral to a professional who can either deal with this behavior, or at least identify if a psychaitrist may be the appropriate referral.

If you can’t go with him to see his doctor, get to yours. Your husband sounds very much as if he is in need of professional help.

 

[jules11]

MercedesBents:

Do you think there’s any chance he’s using drugs and/or alcohol?

No drugs. And he barely drinks, maybe once every couple of months. But he used to smoke marajuana a lot many years ago. I wonder if this has long term effects? I don’t know

 

[jules11]

When has he had his last full physical? Have you talked with his doctor? It is easy to say that he is over the edge, but there are not really enough facts at hand to say that; however, it may be time to move things up a notch and get a referral to a professional who can either deal with this behavior, or at least identify if a psychaitrist may be the appropriate referral.

If you can’t go with him to see his doctor, get to yours. Your husband sounds very much as if he is in need of professional help.

He does not look after himself. He works excessively long hours (he’s a teacher) and he throws his heart and soul into being the best one he can be. He does not eat properly. Does not drink water. He does not sleep enough and lives on coffee and pain killers for migraines that he gets. And more than likely does not pray anywhere near enough…I cannot make him look after his health, although he owes it to us, his wife and children to do so, and of course, himself.
And the problem is, he can’t admit it’s him that has the problem!

 

[SemperJase]

jules11:

He does not eat properly. Does not drink water. He does not sleep enough and lives on coffee and pain killers for migraines that he gets.

More reasons to get a physical. Drug addiction can cause behavioral changes.

You said he is a teacher. Does he bounce between jobs or is he stable in that area? Also, how is he in other relationships, can he keep friends?

 

[ConcernCatholic]

I have been doing a lot of research and reading in this area because my family treats me much the same way your husband treats you. There is some really good information out there on the web that might help you. You can do a google search on abusive relationships or codependency.

You can react like a normal person and get a totally abnormal response. You never quite know what you are going to end up with.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[I_A]

He does not eat properly. Does not drink water. He does not sleep enough and lives on coffee and pain killers for migraines that he gets.

 

[otm]

jules11:

He does not look after himself. He works excessively long hours (he’s a teacher) and he throws his heart and soul into being the best one he can be. He does not eat properly. Does not drink water. He does not sleep enough and lives on coffee and pain killers for migraines that he gets. And more than likely does not pray anywhere near enough…I cannot make him look after his health, although he owes it to us, his wife and children to do so, and of course, himself.
And the problem is, he can’t admit it’s him that has the problem!

that, coupled with his jealousy and overarching responses to innocent activities and happenings would seem to indicate a very deep seated and hostile control issue. Of ten, too, this “throwing oneself into work” can be a sign of escapism.

I would repeat the point; I suspect that you both need to have a chat with a good psychiatrist, and get to the bottom of what is going on. And I say both, because I suspect that a “fly on the wall” observer might find that the situation is worse than you describe; it may be that you are to the point of being numb to inappropriate and/or irrational behavior.

 

[DVIN_CKS]

Try and seek professional help from Catholic therapists only. They will be less inclined to offer divorce as an option.

Also, has your husband ever been evaluated for asperger’s syndrome? It is a form of high functioning autism that goes misdiagnosed in adults. Check out this website for more info.
aspar.klattu.com.au/ Sounds like your husband is incapable of showing you compassion or “putting himself in your shoes”. This can be clues that something much deeper is going on with him.

Just a thought.

 

[Cathy]

DVIN CKS:

Try and seek professional help from Catholic therapists only. They will be less inclined to offer divorce as an option.

Also, has your husband ever been evaluated for asperger’s syndrome? It is a form of high functioning autism that goes misdiagnosed in adults. Check out this website for more info.
aspar.klattu.com.au/ Sounds like your husband is incapable of showing you compassion or “putting himself in your shoes”. This can be clues that something much deeper is going on with him.

Just a thought.

I wholeheartedly agree that it’s important to get help from a truly Catholic source. Many so-called “Catholic” therapists don’t really believe in the teachings of the Church, so be sure and ask them first.

I deal with similar problems, though not as severe. Interesting that someone should mention asperger’s because I have wondered about this with my own husband. It might be worth checking out. At least it would help you get a handle on the problem so you can approach it with less crippling emotion.

Keep up the prayers! I’ll pray a Rosary for you and your husband today.

God will bless you through these trials.

 

[jules11]

Try and seek professional help from Catholic therapists only. They will be less inclined to offer divorce as an option.

Also, has your husband ever been evaluated for asperger’s syndrome? It is a form of high functioning autism that goes misdiagnosed in adults. Check out this website for more info.
aspar.klattu.com.au/

Sounds like your husband is incapable of showing you compassion or “putting himself in your shoes”. This can be clues that something much deeper is going on with him.

Just a thought.

I am afraid that the situation in south australia as far as ‘catholic professional’ is pretty grim. The Catholic marriage couselling service is mostly secular counsellors who do not uphold the churchs’ teachings. ( I remember being told by one, in my first marriage, to watch ‘sexy movies’ to get my husband to be interested in sex!)
They are known for the radical beliefs they hold. So I do not know of any good ones here. I only know of a very good catholic doctor or GP.

 

[otm]

jules11:

I am afraid that the situation in south australia as far as ‘catholic professional’ is pretty grim. The Catholic marriage couselling service is mostly secular counsellors who do not uphold the churchs’ teachings. ( I remember being told by one, in my first marriage, to watch ‘sexy movies’ to get my husband to be interested in sex!)
They are known for the radical beliefs they hold. So I do not know of any good ones here. I only know of a very good catholic doctor or GP.

I may be wrong, but I am inclined to think that you are beyond the point of a counselor; it would seem that you need to see a psychiatrist. The symptoms you describe appear to be something more than just an inability to communicate well.

As to counselors, I have found good ones who are not Catholic, but are not inclined to shove you out the door towards divorce, either. A good, solid, well trained counselor is not one who is going to tell you what to do, but is trained in helping you grow in marriage, learn the tools you need (usually in the area of communication), capable of spotting and dealing with “games” that people play, and is committed to making marriages better.

But again, I think this is not something a counselor can really help with.