Help me swallow this and offer it up

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ktp

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Sorry to say that most of my other posts here have regarded my husband’s questionable friendships with other women. These friendships have ‘necessitated’ innumerable lies on his part. A big one, over the years, was all the excuses for being home late from work. It turns out that several years’ worth of being late included weekly coffee dates with one of these women.

In addition, there have been some in-law issues. Having grown up with a mother who (justifiably) couldn’t stand her mil, but never shut up about it, I have tried and done a fairly reasonable job, I think, of keeping my opinions to myself around the kids. Nonetheless, I have had a few snotty comments from my oldest son about ‘hating’ dh’s entire family-- which is not even true.

Today was an extremely stressful day on several counts. We had snow, and it turned dh’s 20 minute commute into 1-1/2 hours. I don’t know if it was everything else, but it brought up in me every feeling I used to have when he’d wander in four, five, even six hours late (yes, I said six), when I’d literally be cleaning the house in preparation for the police to come and tell me how he died on the highway; along, of course, with the newfound knowledge there were coffee dates, and wondering just how much else that I still don’t know about.

I was a wreck by the time he got home. I went upstairs and said nothing about it. When dh came up a bit later, I did say something about us having a hard time shopping tomorrow if it takes an hour and a half for him to get home from his appointment.

So dh told our son that I ‘don’t believe him’ that it took that long to get home. Our son, 17, came to me on his own to tell me it took his bus 3 hours to get him home, and asked if there was any particular reason why I wouldn’t believe dh. 😦

All these years, I have held my tongue about the things his family have done, I have spoken well of their father to them, I have taught them they must respect him. The oldest have heard a couple of fights about these other women, but I have never complained to the kids or told them what’s going on. I know that’s wrong.

I told ds that yes, there is a particular reason I’d question it, but that’s not really information for him, and I’m sorry if that makes him angry or makes him hate me. He said it doesn’t make him angry.

I have been angry plenty of times through all of this, but this has just broken my heart, as I feel that once again I’m going to have my son looking down on me when he has no clue about the rest of the story, and I know it would be wrong to tell him. 😦

I’m not going to tell him, but I could just use a little encouragement. 😦
 
ktp,

You’re in my prayers this evening…

Many blessings,

kevinsgirl
 
Aw, ktp, I’m so sorry. What a suffering for you. What a cross.😦

God bless you for your faithfulness in marriage and your humility with your child.

I know God is pleased with you and eager to heal your wounded heart.

Divine Physician, be with ktp today and everyday. Place her in your Sacred Heart. May her faithfulness comfort you in place of those who are faithless.

God bless you. leonie
 
You did the right thing not divulging anything to your child. You will always likely question his absences even if there is a reason that is legit. He should understand that his actions in the past make it something you cant help but re- live over and over again. I wish he had said nothing and let it be, and waited to talk to you alone. Parents need to put their children first as you did by not dragging yours into this. I really hope that your husband will see that you chose the path of protecting your child. If he can not see that, I am sad for him. No worries. You go each day asking Our Lord to help you along. Even several times a day if needed. He wants to hear from you when you are sad happy weak strong confused angry mad distressed, everything. Talk to him more in prayer, and know you are not alone. Its not easy to be going through this, but you are offering him a Christian example (and pouring hot coals on his head) by continuing to do your job and do it the best you can, even possibly doing it better now- striving harder now to really be walking through the flames with the trust that the Lord is with you each step.

Lord have Mercy!
Do not give us more than we can bear, help us in adversity.
 
You are definitely doing the right thing not to talk about it with the kids; however, I don’t think it is the right thing to keep it bottled up toward your husband. There need to be consequences for him to face, otherwise you are doing neither him nor you any favors. Six hours late is not a friendly chat, and you are not crazy or insecure to think otherwise. What has happened in the past when you have questioned him or let him know how upset you are?

As for this time with the snowstorm, certainly he had reason to be late. However, it is totally inexcusable for him to drag your children into it. Read up on “parental alienation.” It is a form of child abuse and is very damaging to the children and to the entire family structure.

Have you ever had any type of counseling? I think you might benefit from it, because there is a certain level of respect that you need to learn how to expect from both your husband and your teens. I know that this has been a big problem for me in the past and I am still sorting it all out.
 
Forgive me if I read your post too fast, or if I’m typing too fast to be tactful, but it really sounds like the first step is for you both to tell your son to mind his own business. Your hubby really goofed up by saying word one to your son about anything, and then it sounds like you goofed by entertaining any kind of discussion with your son about it.

I think the appropriate response is, “That’s between your father and me, honey.”

Second step, does your husband not have a cell phone, or access to a pay phone? People typically will stop to make a quick phone call to tell loved ones they’ll be delayed, so that they don’t worry. Even when there is no history of other women.

I don’t know that you can just “offer it up” yet. At least, I don’t know that you can w/o first making some simple agreements about future similar situations: not bringing kids into private discussions, and calling out of courtesy when delayed.

Offering up is a noble intention, when possible. “Swallowing” something, as you describe it in your title, over time, usually leads to some pretty bad “indigestion” in a marriage, also called resentment.

God bless you. I’ll pray for you both tonight.
 
Woah- I made a huge typo on my post- I put “as you did not” when I meant to type “as he did not”!!!

Yikes! Forgive my bad typing/mental skills.

so sorry:o
 
I am so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. I am definitely praying for you.
 
dulcissima said:
Six hours late is not a friendly chat, and you are not crazy or insecure to think otherwise. What has happened in the past when you have questioned him or let him know how upset you are?
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I’ll answer both questions in one fell swoop: he worked nights and kept telling me he was so exhausted that he pulled off the road at a truck stop (hour and a quarter commute at the time) and took a nap. This covered him for anything from a 2 hour delay to the less common 5-6 hour delay. When I question him or tell him I’m upset, he’s a master of stories, excuses, and manipulating me into feeling guilty (ie-- I was so exhausted, I would have fallen asleep behind the wheel if I’d tried to get home, and you’re mad??)
Read up on “parental alienation.” It is a form of child abuse and is very damaging to the children and to the entire family structure.
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I talked with him the night I posted this, about that. He just kept saying, “Why?” (ie-- why is that hurting him? why is it dragging him in the middle? This is another tactic common, just refusing to see (admit) even the obvious. Regardless, I told him what he needed to hear, and I think he’ll think twice about doing it again. He hasn’t made a habit of it in the past, thank goodness.)
Have you ever had any type of counseling?
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We started seeing a counselor again last March. His eventual final answer was for me to pretend everything is okay. We started seeing another one in November, but so far have had only separate, individual sessions. We start together this week.

Thank you for all the prayers from everyone. Every time I post asking for prayers here, I feel an amazing difference in the following days.
 
I was a wreck by the time he got home. I went upstairs and said nothing about it. When dh came up a bit later, I did say something about us having a hard time shopping tomorrow if it takes an hour and a half for him to get home from his appointment.

So dh told our son that I ‘don’t believe him’ that it took that long to get home. Our son, 17, came to me on his own to tell me it took his bus 3 hours to get him home, and asked if there was any particular reason why I wouldn’t believe dh. 😦

All these years, I have held my tongue about the things his family have done, I have spoken well of their father to them, I have taught them they must respect him. The oldest have heard a couple of fights about these other women, but I have never complained to the kids or told them what’s going on. I know that’s wrong.

I told ds that yes, there is a particular reason I’d question it, but that’s not really information for him, and I’m sorry if that makes him angry or makes him hate me. He said it doesn’t make him angry.

I have been angry plenty of times through all of this, but this has just broken my heart, as I feel that once again I’m going to have my son looking down on me when he has no clue about the rest of the story, and I know it would be wrong to tell him. 😦

I’m not going to tell him, but I could just use a little encouragement. 😦

Your son isn’t going to forget about this just because you refuse to talk to him about it, I remember clearly being worried when my parents argued, it’s really stressful for a kid. Telling him that it doesn’t concern him now will only increase his anxiety.

I disagree with the other posters, your son’s mind has already been contaminated by his father so I think that both parents should talk to him and maybe even apologize, his father for bad-mouthing his mother, and you for not protecting him from such conversations.
 
All I can say from my own experience growing up and dealing with a family alcoholic is that sometimes “offering it up” and “pretending everything is OK” only just enables people.

May God grant you the wisdom to know the correct course of action to rescue your marriage and the strength and courage to do it and protection while you do it. And may your children know the truth so that innocent reputations are not ruined.
 
As usual, my opinion differs from others. :o

I don’t think you should have left your son in the dark about this. Here’s my arguement for what it’s worth.

He’s 17. He probably has made some assumptions of his own. Your husband already told him somthing, and he came to you, so keeping it from him is not really possible anymore.

And, most importantly, your son might resent the fact that you are keeping things from him. My own son, 12, had made some assumptions about his mother and me. She also helped him believe some bad things about me. When he came to me, I realized that he had some deep resentment for me not being honest and open with him. He felt it was like lying to him. I don’t feel that way, but he did, and that’s what mattered. I also had to set the record straight lest he believe some really bad things about me.

In the end, he now knows most of the truth. I left out the stuff that doesn’t matter and would just make him dislike his Mom (not what I want). But most importantly, we have a really strong relationship now. We talk way more openly now. We are still best buddies, I’m still his father and he knows his place, but now we can share so much more than we did.

After all that, I know that it won’t help your situation with your husband much, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
 
Why must you “offer it up”?? What did YOU do? He’s at fault from what you tell us. Don’t enable him any more than you have already done.
Kathy
 
Your marriage is in my prayers also. I am sorry you have to suffer like this in your marriage. Keep praying and doing all you can do for your marriage. Pray for your husband, which I am sure you do, but ask St. Joseph to pray for him to be the best father and husband he can be.

You have my prayers.
 
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