How can I bring my brother back to the Church?

[PhillyMatt]

Hey everyone! Just asking for a bit of advice about my brother.

Quick background.

My brother Luke is 40 years old. He is very educated and has worked in the pharmaceutical industry for over a decade as an executive. He is married with 2 kids. He has been severely depressed for the past 6 years and has come close to killing himself several times due to his depression and dependence on prescription meds (pain killers and anti-depressants). This has basically torn his young family apart and is moving toward divorce rather quickly. He finds no joy in life and just wants to sit in a dark room all the time, he lost all motivation to do anything and just wants to take his meds and sleep. He is also tearing the rest of the family apart because we have to clean up the messes this 40 year old boy creates.

Now he is approaching the end with his depression and bad habits. I told him that he should join me at a sunday mass, or go alone and pray.

(convo via email)
His questions…“What do you get out of it?”
My response…“I get alot out of it, but I also put alot into it”…

He also said that he doesn’t understand how it will change the way he feels…I’m not quite sure how to answer that in a way that will be encouraging to him and help him start to pray and go to church. I know it will help him…I know because it helped me. But he just seems so wrapped up in his OWN problems to make the leap of going to mass and having it do him any good.

Please everyone, I’d like to hear your advice on what I should say and do in this situation…

Thanks,

Matt

 

[timcath]

I think if you want to get him to go to Mass, this will be too large a leap straight away.

As you mentioned that he is separating himself from everybody and just thinking of himself, I would use this as a way to bringing him out.
Many people have started to bring themselves to God by just praying “God, if you are there, please help me”. This will change his focus from himself to God, and get him thinking about someone other than himself. By getting him to think about what he would like God to do for him, it will shift his attention and bring a little hope. Hope is everything for someone in this situation.
As he is an educated and thinking man, get him to put himself in God’s place. If he was God with all power, how would he help a man in his position? How would he help this man to be happy?
This may allow him to see options that may not be evident right now.

Most of all, don’t push. Encourage. Provide incentive and love. Show him and tell him that you are there when he needs you.

Tim

 

[Lorrie]

I’m kind of in the same predicament, not literally though thank God, the reason my sister doesn’t want to go to church is because she’s very shy. She was baptized Catholic and also received first communion, but was never confirmed. While I went through the RCIA she was very excited for me, always asking questions, etc. I thought maybe she would want to start going, but I guess the idea kind of fizzled out. She goes to Mass with me when she’s in town, but she doesn’t want to go alone at home because she doesn’t know the things to do during the service, doesn’t know what to say at the right times, etc. Like I said, she’s very shy when it comes to this.

One thing I have done, besides like I said taking her with me to Mass while she’s here, I got her a rosary and a little booklet on how to pray it and sent it to her. I also enclosed a letter I wrote to her telling her what praying the rosary means to me. Letting her know that I get an enormous sense of peace within my soul while praying it. She was deeply touched and so happy that I gave it to her. I’m also sending her “the order of the Mass” this week in the mail, that way if she wants to go on her own she will have a sense of what’s happening and not be left in the dark or feel self-conscious.

Perhaps with your brother you could ask him if he would like to go with you some time? Or send him some reading material? Even little prayer cards are inspirational. Oh and keep praying for him. Depression is beatable, especially with God’s help! Good luck to you both (and his family).

P.S. - Has he tried different meds for his depression? Sometimes one has to try several different kinds to find the right match. Its hard to describe what severe depression is like unless you have gone through it (which I wish on no one). It definitely keeps you in your own little world, wrapped up in yourself, etc. Its hard to shake but with the proper medication/therapy and God it IS beatable!

 

[AlanFromWichita]

When I became “mentally ill” (I’m convinced it was accumulated spiritual/social problems and not a so-called “chemical imbalance” that caused it) the greatest thing that happened to me in the world is that I met a Spiritual Director for the first time.

He was able to explain why I felt the way I did, and how it was that the psychiatrists couldn’t seem to put their finger on it and in fact didn’t even know how to listen to me as opposed to “observing” me.

He told me that the reason psychiatrists have such a low success rate is that they are too specialized, and not taught to know (much less treat) problems outside their specific area. A whole human being has components that are physical, mental, social, sexual, emotional, and spiritual. They see the problem and treatment options through one of these directions and while they may calm the physical and even some mental storms, they cannot treat a whole person.

During the time period I was disabled (technicall I still am but I’m getting over it big time) I had several months where I wanted to end it all, and literally “crawled around” on the floor for several hours a day trying to make my thoughts stop or at least get under control, with no hope that they ever would or that my situation would ever get better.

The Divine Therapist, (aka Holy Spirit) has given me a great deal of healing – more than I ever thought I needed. Specifically I became involved in contemplative prayer, teachings about mysticism, and learning about the Spiritual Journey and how the Holy Spirit can heal an entire lifetime of emotional wounds. I used active and passive techniques, for in addition to contemplative prayer (I mention this particularly because he is drawn to being left alone and quiet) I listened to a number of philosophical lectures which were not entirely Catholic but were amazingly healing – as they helped me learn to reframe my entire existence to the point at which it became non-troubling. He sounds so much like me I am interested in hearing more, and if you send me PM I could maybe introduce you to a couple other things that might be useful, that I wouldn’t necessarily spread around on the forum.

Simply going to Mass with no other direction in particular can be a good thing, but at the risk of sounding like I’m challenging you, I don’t conclude that because it helped you it will help him. In my case a good deal of my mental confusion was about the Church and, since I was a leader in the Church at the time, the way IMO other leaders simply refused to incorporate Catholic teachings and documented procedures into the “as actually done” procedures. In fact, when I was very troubled mentally, going to Mass was almost insurmountably frightening, and a few times I had to actually leave Mass because of panic attacks I got – I don’t know what from, it might have been the idea of being around so many other people but it was like a magnet repelling me out the door with a great deal of unspecified fear for going in. If he has not been used to going to Mass lately, doing that and nothing else may be helpful or possibly, I might suspect, even backfire if it makes him less able to hear other ideas you might come up with.

Dealing with mental illness involves the entire family, and it’s not always clear “who” is thinking clearly and who is not at any given time. This is a very precarious situation with young children, and I know. At one of the worst times, I actually asked a teenager to referee between my wife and me. That will never happen again as we have healed way beyond that, but mental illness is really a family issue and not just that of the father.

The main reasons I didn’t make any stronger attempts at killing myself (during the dark period that Julie actually hid my gun from me) was that others convinced me that all I am doing is piling more trouble on top of that my family already has by doing so. In other words, my life wasn’t worth squat but intellectually I knew that my family would be additionally harmed and not helped by my death and therefore it was irresponsible for me to go through with it. This type of reasoning was enough to save me, although it was very touch-and-go as for a while I was so sure I had made a mess of things that for times I actually had myself nearly convinced they were better off. My mother was a strong force in this one, as her own mother killed herself with a gun to the head, while babysitting my older brother. She told me that no matter what I do wrong she will forgive me except for one thing – if I take myself away from my family. She said there was no way I could imagine what I’d be doing to my young children and if I ever listened to her in my life this was the time.

Alan

 

[PhillyMatt]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the advice. Also, thanks for sharing your personal stories regarding depression. I will use your suggestions. I just have a hard time explaining this to him and fear my attempts and reasons won’t be effective. This is mostly due to the fact he hasn’t prayed or had any sort of spiritual life since he was around 11 years old. The other reason is still that I sense the “What am I gonna get out of it” attitude, of which I don’t know how to explain to him, or explain out of him.

I guess I’ll tell him to pray and go to church, but he has to be committed to it and give before he recieves?

 

[TrustInTheLord]

PhillyMatt:

Hey everyone! Just asking for a bit of advice about my brother.

Now he is approaching the end with his depression and bad habits. I told him that he should join me at a sunday mass, or go alone and pray.

(convo via email)
His questions…“What do you get out of it?”
My response…“I get alot out of it, but I also put alot into it”…

He also said that he doesn’t understand how it will change the way he feels…I’m not quite sure how to answer that in a way that will be encouraging to him and help him start to pray and go to church. I know it will help him…I know because it helped me. But he just seems so wrapped up in his OWN problems to make the leap of going to mass and having it do him any good.

Please everyone, I’d like to hear your advice on what I should say and do in this situation…

Thanks,

Matt

Hello Brother,

I hope is not late for me to give you advice, i can only say is to tell him that God is all powerful, and he takes away all the hurt inside. He must seek and pray to him, it is not a bad idea to start praying together with him at supper time or when ever you guys meet. Prayer is very strong. If you want to get deeper with God’s words tell him to read the bible, it will show you God’s love and mercy. This will give a sense of security that he never has to fear anything in this world.

Make sure that he knows God loves him and forgives him, he needs to repent and pray to God. If he truly want God to be part of his life, he need to love himself. The holy spirit lives inside of each of us which our bodies becomes the temple, he needs to take care of himself so he can care for his family. We all have a choice, but with God’s love, there are no obstacles that we cannot face, all is destroyed if we change for the good.

I was also depressed one day, and i thought of killing myself. But i started talking to God at home or at the church, and suddenly i would feel better because i know he answers my prayers. He listens to my heart and he knows all my fears, and he takes it all away. Satan is a lier, and he will put thoughts in our minds to make us feel unworthy. So that is another story.

Tell him Heaven awaits, and he belongs there, the Lord Jesus taught us to Walk In Love. This is all in the bible. I hope this helps. God Bless

Your sister,
TrustInTheLord