How do you handle your grown childrens religious choice?

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My son has been church shopping for 2 years. He shopped around for a while but came back to the Catholic Church. Now he tells me he is going to a Baptist Church Sunday.
This is really upsetting to me and will start taken anti-depressants today (no, I have NEVER taken them before). They know I’m concerned but I don’t want them to know how much. His wife was brought up protestant but later became Catholic after they were married. She really does not take her faith serious and it does’t really matter what church she goes to.
On the inside I screaming YOU IDOTS but on the outside I’m try to calmly discuss and maybe plant some seeds of faith. I must not be very good at it. I have been praying for them and want the best for them. It just kills me that my grandchilden might not be brought up in the Catholic Church and miss out on the Sacrements especially the Euchrist. Please say a little pray for him and his family.
How do you handle a situation like this?
 
Many in my parish are going through the same suffering as you are. They pray each morning at Mass that their children will return to the faith. Sounds like you have a more unique problem as your child has come back but appears to be shopping again. We have adult classes for those in our church that want to know more about the faith. Many adult Catholics can not defend their faith, much less even tell you what they believe. This web site (Catholic Answers) has some very good explainations on Catholic principles. I feel that if your son really understood the Catholic Faith, he would never leave it. You could possibly make him a gift of one of the very good Catholic books on this web site. One that explains the richness of our Catholic Faith.
May God help you in your struggle,
Deacon Tony
 
Don’t be so hard on yourself or your son. Think of it this way … at least he is still searching inside of a church building. There are many people who just stop searching period.

I was one of those people, unfortunately. I was raised in a Baptist church but stopped going after I left college. The reasons why I left had nothing to do with the faith per se. It had to do with me.

My journey led me to the Catholic Church. On the day of my Sacraments my father said to me, “Your mother is turning over in her grave right now.” I laughed and said, “Dad, she’s just happy that I’m going to church.” And I know in my heart that this is true.
Her love for God was immense and her biggest desire was to have all 7 of her grown children involved in church. Yes, the RCC was probably not in her line of vision while she was still here on earth but I truly believe that I have her blessings and joy with my decision.

My mother did a wonderful job of instilling the importance of God in our lives. I just had to take my own route to get back on track.

Give your son time and keep up those prayers. With God’s help, he will find his way back home.
 
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Tinkerbell:
My son has been church shopping for 2 years. He shopped around for a while but came back to the Catholic Church. Now he tells me he is going to a Baptist Church Sunday.
This is really upsetting to me and will start taken anti-depressants today (no, I have NEVER taken them before). They know I’m concerned but I don’t want them to know how much. His wife was brought up protestant but later became Catholic after they were married. She really does not take her faith serious and it does’t really matter what church she goes to.
On the inside I screaming YOU IDOTS but on the outside I’m try to calmly discuss and maybe plant some seeds of faith. I must not be very good at it. I have been praying for them and want the best for them. It just kills me that my grandchilden might not be brought up in the Catholic Church and miss out on the Sacrements especially the Euchrist. Please say a little pray for him and his family.
How do you handle a situation like this?
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First of all … IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT.
What is he (are they) looking for? Ask him why he feels drawn to the Baptist Church? Maybe he’s not being fed in the Church and if so, then what does he want? I converted because my MIL planted the seeds and was patient.
Proverbs 22:6:
-Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
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It does not say "in the way he WILL go. All you can do is pray and we can pray with you.
 
Thanks for the kind words. I have to say my faith has grown stronger through all this. The forum has been a blessing to me. I have several apologetic books but I don’t think he would read them. I might try a small book called “Answer me this”. He has small children and there is not much time to read in the evenings. I was thinking of sending some tapes he could listen to on the way to work in the morning. Any suggestions???

As far what he’s looking for…don’t know. I think some friend has put doubts about Mary, euchrist, priest scandal…you know the usual anti Catholic stuff. I asked him how could you leave the body and blood of Jesus Christ and he said you don’t really believe that c__p do you.

I’m just so frustrated he has fallen for all that garbage. My daughter thinks I’m being silly about this because things could be a whole worse…which is true. God please give me patience.
 
You just keep praying, remembering it is not your fault. You are not alone. Do search on some of the terms you’ve used, and you will see all kinds of people in the same boat.
 
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Tinkerbell:
Thanks for the kind words. I have to say my faith has grown stronger through all this. The forum has been a blessing to me. I have several apologetic books but I don’t think he would read them. I might try a small book called “Answer me this”. He has small children and there is not much time to read in the evenings. I was thinking of sending some tapes he could listen to on the way to work in the morning. Any suggestions???

As far what he’s looking for…don’t know. I think some friend has put doubts about Mary, euchrist, priest scandal…you know the usual anti Catholic stuff. I asked him how could you leave the body and blood of Jesus Christ and he said you don’t really believe that c__p do you.

I’m just so frustrated he has fallen for all that garbage. My daughter thinks I’m being silly about this because things could be a whole worse…which is true. God please give me patience.
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First, I agree that the first strategy is to remove yourself from the blame loop because that is entirely irrelevant, and honestly DO NOT WORRY about what may happen. One outcome is certainly preferable to another, but the “worry” process itself drains you of energy and creativity, and yes even empathy for his situation.

That means that you surrender that the Holy Spirit is now his primary guide in these areas, as he is of age. Doesn’t mean you give up, as you work through the Spirit also. It just means you absolve yourself in advance for whatever may or may not happen.

It is so terrible when young people use our own measuring sticks against us. He cannot envision what is not seen about the sacraments because he has seen things that aren’t right on the outside of the Church.

We teach children to judge others by their outward behavior as a first cut, and only then if they pass they one may cautiously approach nearer. In this case the Church herself has obvious flaws on the outside, and how can one expect a child to walk past that into the inside and learn the secrets unless they abandon the system we have given them for judging anything else. To me, it is no more or less difficult to look at a person who has objectively done sinful actis and see Christ in that person, as it is to look at the Church whose officials have done objectively sinful acts and still see Christ in the sacraments.

Basically, we either have to “undo” the programming we teach kids to judge each other (very difficult) and every other institution on the planet other than the Church, or show them that somehow with the Church it is different.

I’m not sure I’m clear on my point yet. We would not let a child go stay at a friend’s house if we so much as knew of unanswered allegations that some children had been abused in that house. I think children have a perfect right to demand why the standard should be different for a house of worship – where supposedly what happens that is invisible is perfect and overrides anything that is visible but done wrong. (When there is corruption evident on the surface how does one know what is inside?) When viewed from this perspective, I think a young person has a perfect right to hold our feet to the fire for giving them defective value systems. I say “we” as in the whole society, led by parents but influenced by all others. We tell them to stay away from people who might do bad things when those people offer us candy – then they grow up and we say to accept the Eucharist from people who are in groups of men whose members – even if only a few – are known to have done bad things.

I’m not saying these things to argue on behalf of the wayward child, just to emphasize how deeply rooted I think the problem is and how all of our notions of judging factors in to make it more difficult. With this in mind, perhaps you can empathize with his position better and that in itself may help you help him see what is right.

Alan
 
My children are 30 and 28 and neither goes to church. I, myself was away for a few years. I have decided that I can’t live their lives. I can,however, set an example and hope they will follow someday. If they do, they do, if they don’t , well it is something they will have to live with. I pray for them all the time. That is the best I can do.

Taking antidepressants is not necessarily the answer. It is not your fault for their lack of religious conviction.Pray for them and yourself.
Kathy
 
How do you handle a situation like this?

By doing nothing and letting God do what He needs to do in the way He needs to do it.

Let your son and his family discover for themselves what they are missing by attending other churches. Your son is the spiritual leader of his family. Do you really think that God is going to let him go off the deep end? It may seem so to you right now, but remember that God has a plan and His timing is not like ours. You don’t really want your son to do what you want just because you said so, do you? Don’t you want him to make his decision based on what he firmly believes? He can only do that if he does some exploring.

You are not his mother any more, you are his parent. There is a difference. Your mothering/controlling days ended when he became an adult.

My daughter is 32 and married with 2 children. She once told me:
I heard what you said when I was growing up, I just chose to ignore you. So I know what you’re going through!
 
Don’t forget the example of St. Monica, a most holy mother (we don’t view her as St. Augustine’s parent for heavens sake!). Prayer is your most powerful ally in this spiritual battle.
 
My mom is the master at this. Of 5 kids, I’m the only one who goes to Mass (or church of any kind for that matter). My 4 brothers do not. The two brothers who have kids have not had the kids baptized.

If you did your best to raise them well, there’s nothing you can do but pray and sacrifice.

I have 3 kids (20, 18, 15) and it wouldn’t surprise me if one strayed at some point. Even though we have done our best, the world has a strong pull. I pray every day that they will be open to what God wants and have the strength to say ‘yes’. —KCT
 
Can you attend the Baptist service with your son? Not to analyze the service, or to have a theological debate afterwards, but to just attend the service with him. In that way, you can show him your love and support, and perhaps you’ll better understand what’s happening in his mind and soul as he is searching. Don’t forget about great Catholic converts like Scott Hahn. Your son needs to do what your son needs to do. Just ask him if he would mind if you went with him, and promise him that you will be upbeat and non-judgemental. God is calling him, no doubt about that. And you need to let go of this. You are not at fault, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You’ve told him the truth. Let it go and simply love your son for who he is, because that’s what he needs from his mother. And your prayers, of course!
 
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Cupofkindness:
Can you attend the Baptist service with your son? Not to analyze the service, or to have a theological debate afterwards, but to just attend the service with him. In that way, you can show him your love and support, and perhaps you’ll better understand what’s happening in his mind and soul as he is searching. Don’t forget about great Catholic converts like Scott Hahn. Your son needs to do what your son needs to do. Just ask him if he would mind if you went with him, and promise him that you will be upbeat and non-judgemental. God is calling him, no doubt about that. And you need to let go of this. You are not at fault, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You’ve told him the truth. Let it go and simply love your son for who he is, because that’s what he needs from his mother. And your prayers, of course!
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I think this is a wonderful idea. It will help you understand him better as well, and this way he knows you are moving toward him. Maintain your Catholicism, but let him know your love for him is no conditional upon his choice-making. That, IMO, can be difficult for some families, as many times the child gets the erroneous idea that years and years of correction and reward and punishment has an underlying, unconditional love behind all of it that is always loving and unitive no matter what the behavior-of-the-day has been.

Alan
 
wacky&wonderful:
How do you handle a situation like this?
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Your mothering/controlling days ended when he became an adult.

I’m not ranting and raving about this, in fact I’m pretty quite about it. The only time I talk religion is when HE brings it up. I’m the one who says lets just agree to disagree.
Everyone is right, I need to just put it in God’s hands and continue to pray for him.
 
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Cupofkindness:
Can you attend the Baptist service with your son? Not to analyze the service, or to have a theological debate afterwards, but to just attend the service with him. In that way, you can show him your love and support, and perhaps you’ll better understand what’s happening in his mind and soul as he is searching. Don’t forget about great Catholic converts like Scott Hahn. Your son needs to do what your son needs to do. Just ask him if he would mind if you went with him, and promise him that you will be upbeat and non-judgemental. God is calling him, no doubt about that. And you need to let go of this. You are not at fault, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You’ve told him the truth. Let it go and simply love your son for who he is, because that’s what he needs from his mother. And your prayers, of course!
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I thought about this but I don’t think I can do it at this point. I would probably cry the whole service and embrass my son. Maybe after the medication kicks in.
 
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Cupofkindness:
Can you attend the Baptist service with your son? Not to analyze the service, or to have a theological debate afterwards, but to just attend the service with him. In that way, you can show him your love and support, and perhaps you’ll better understand what’s happening in his mind and soul as he is searching.
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Maybe because my children are still young, at home and under my direction, I don’t understand your despair…but if it was me I think the above is an excellent suggestion. I would be taking tremendous comfort in the knowledge that your son is searching for a deeper connection with God–instead of pursuing a hedonistic, self-centered, materialistic or godless lifestyle. Be a part of his search and along the way you may learn a few things about our brothers and sisters in Christ that may even enhance your own faith. We all have things to teach each other and I have never believed there is one and only one path that leads us to God. This seeming detour may be a very necessary step in his faith journey.
 
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Tinkerbell:
My son has been church shopping for 2 years. He shopped around for a while but came back to the Catholic Church. Now he tells me he is going to a Baptist Church Sunday.
This is really upsetting to me and will start taken anti-depressants today (no, I have NEVER taken them before)…
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OK–time to get a grip and some perspective. This is **not **the kind of mental trauma that would justify pumping drugs into your system to cope–especially if you have no history of chronic depression. This is a very normal part of the maturation/separation process any young adult could go through–and likely not the first or last time he will make choices which differ or even conflict with those you might make. You need to learn to accept that the choices he makes as an independent adult (assuming no immorality/evil) are not a personal rejection of you or your values. Drugging yourself into a mental fog of denial is no way to deal with your disappointment nor anything which lends itself to making you a model of solid, mature faith who could be a resource for your son in his search.
 
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Katie1723:
My children are 30 and 28 and neither goes to church. I, myself was away for a few years. I have decided that I can’t live their lives. I can,however, set an example and hope they will follow someday. If they do, they do, if they don’t , well it is something they will have to live with. I pray for them all the time. That is the best I can do.
Code: 
                        Kathy
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Yes, it’s all you can do.

My older daughter (30) used to be Catholic, but now is a proclaimed atheist 😦 My younger daughter (22) is a non-practicing Catholic, but believes in God. She has a problem with organized religion. My wife is a “Easter Bunny” Catholic, who rarely goes to church, but very much believes in God. I am an actively practicing Catholic who goes to church every Sunday.

We are all saddened by the atheist approach our older daughter has taken. Hopefully, with God’s help she’ll find the light again.

My approach is to try to set a good example and pray for them. Harping on them about it is not the answer. God will have to reveal himself to them in his own way.
 
Let me say this one more time…I’m not ranting, raving, harping or nagging about this. He probably does not a clue I’m so sad about this.
I have been depressed about other things and I guess this is just one more thing that is added to the pot.
So you are right…I’m leaving it in God’s hands.
 
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