How to be charitable toward MIL

  • Thread starter Thread starter ekblad7
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
E

ekblad7

Guest
Dh and I have been married for 11 years. It’s been a rough road but we’re getting by. Dh converted about 9 years ago. Anyway - my MIL is an athiest to say the least. She is constantly ripping on our Faith and putting down the way we live. She’s embaressed by us. Luckily she lives in a different state and doesn’t ever visit. She has told us she doesn’t want “all those kids” in her house so we don’t visit her either (can’t afford a hotel). She is very environmental and is constantly sending me emails about saving this or that tree or animal. I don’t respond, just delete. I keep her up to date on the kids and our life as dh does not communicate well. I don’t send her pro life things as she is obviously pro choice (brags about her three abortions that she had). So today we got her “Happy Solstice” card and the sticker on the envelope read something like “planned parenthood international supporter”. UGH! I threw it out before dh could see it b/c I don’t want to fight with him. He acts as though he’s on the fence about being pro choice or pro life and we’ve had many the argument about it. His mother has tried to talk him into leaving me and the kids on more than one occasion and is “disappointed” whenever I have another baby. She mocks God and Jesus and I just don’t know if I can be charitable to her any longer. I am the gift/card sender and we are broke. I don’t want to spend my money on her any more. I pray for her but don’t know what else to do. Thoughts/suggestions/experiences?
 
Fortunately she hasn’t seen my kids in over three years. She’s never even met my youngest child (almost 2). She has no interest in us and that’s just fine with me. My kids don’t talk to her either. When the card came today my oldest son got it out of the mail box and saw the sticker. He’s VERY pro life - going to the March for Life in D.C. this year, and feels a calling to the priesthood. It was upsetting to him to see the sticker and find out his grandmother’s true feelings (even though I think he suspected).

I do pray for her, always. I look to St. Monica who was so patient with her husband and MIL.

I’ve heard about a man who’s mother had abortions and even though he donated all of his money (he was very wealthy) to pro life causes he never admitted to being pro life. To do so would have condemned his mother and he just couldn’t do that. I wonder if my husband is the same.
 
This must be so hard for you, I can’t imagine.

Do not destroy any more correspondence that is even partly addressed to your husband. He deserves to decide what he is going to do with his mail, especially mail from his mom. It is not your right to destroy it without his prior permission. That kind of thing can only come back to bite you.

Well, love is patient, love is kind…you know the drill. Are you going to love your enemy, or not?

I think it would be very worthwhile for your family to thank God that your MIL decided to bear the child who would be your husband and to pray for her soul as if she were a wayward child of your own. If your children do not know that their grandmother had abortions, do not tell them, as that would be detraction, an offense against the truth. What you will be teaching your children by how you treat your MIL is that your love is like God’s love, unconditional. The benefits to your MIL will be real, as well.

As far as how she rips into your faith, as someone that was tormented by teasing the entire time I grew up I have this to suggest: Disengage. Go in expecting it and pitying her for feeling the need to do it. Respond only with, “I’m sorry to hear that you feel that way.” Repeat, repeat, repeat. This does not mean that you have to go looking for abuse. It only means that abuse doesn’t release you from what duty you have towards her. To my mind, that is essentially the duty of honoring her as your husband’s mother and the duty of not putting yourself between him and his parent. If your family disengages from her–which is probably for the best–make sure that it is his decision to do so.

Also, if your MIL is very environmental, you might investigate what the bishops have been up to in that regard. American Catholics have been very active on that front. If your state has something like Oregon does, where there is a day with a big beach clean-up, maybe you and your children could do that with your DH. Send your MIL pictures. Let her know that you and she stand on a little piece of common ground when it comes to seeing the good. Just because she likes something, after all, does not mean there is no good to be found in it. From this your children will learn that recognizing the good in another is a good way to attempt mend a relationship.

In all ways, go out of your way to find whatever good is to be found in your DH’s mother…just because she is, after all, his mom, and she always will be. You can’t make her what she is not or make her resent your DH’s faith less than she does, but don’t put yourself in opposition to her unnecessarily.

Remember that St. Paul persecuted the Church. Pray for his aid in remembering that your MIL’s life isn’t over yet. Her course may yet surprise you.

As for your husband being on the fence, be sure to tell him that you would have liked to have known his siblings, that the world would be better off with more people like him. Just because people we love don’t see the truth of something does not make it less true. And do not fight about it. You don’t preach love through strife.
 
I just wanted to be clear that it wasn’t his mail. It was addressd to all of us and the envelope was upsetting to my son. I would have opened it either way as it was addressed to all of us and the kids wanted to see what was in it.
 
Love her. Your example may be the only advertisment for Jesus that your MIL ever reads.

If you can find one thing to compliment her on, do it - since she is into enviormental causes, I’d pick that. Every time she sends you an email, respond that it is a good thing to be a good steward of creation. Compliment her on it! Through God’s creation she is recognizing a bit of the Creator.
 
I’ve had a little taste of what you are going through. My situation is not nearly as bad!!! What you are experiencing makes our disagreements seem like nothing. When I’m pregnant, my MIL gives my husband a big lecture on how I am a terrible mother, wife, and off my rocker to be having kids and homeschooling. Its hard for him because the lecture/rant plays on all his insecurities about money and family size.

sigh.

After the lecture or series of lectures, she goes on like nothing happened. I have so much trouble forgiving her. Of course, I don’t trust her a bit when she is nice to me because I remember how she told my husband that I’m an awful mother.

We live two doors down. In a way that is better because it forces me to forgive her daily. But, it would be nice to have some space too. I know one reason my dh refuses to have another baby is because he is afraid of the flack he will get from his mother.

I suggest fasting. I’m terrible at this myself, but I know that it can change hearts–hers as well as yours. There’s a neat novel that touches on how difficulties with inlaws can be sanctifying–Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss.

One good thing that has come out of the contention is that it has forced my dh to cut some of his emotional ties with his mom and cleave tighter to me.

I’ve all ready begun to pray for future DILs and SILs . I am hopeful that I can learn from this situation and be the supportive, loving MIL that I would love to have. Of course, it would be ironic if my sons chose career women who limit family size and are feminists :rolleyes: 😉
 
ekblad7 said:
I just wanted to be clear that it wasn’t his mail. It was addressd to all of us and the envelope was upsetting to my son. I would have opened it either way as it was addressed to all of us and the kids wanted to see what was in it.
Click to expand...
This is the kind of interchange that concerns me:
“Son, did you like the card I sent you?”
“What card?”
“The solstice card”
“I never saw a solstice card, Mom.”
“Oh, so she’s intercepting my letters to you, now?”
…
“Dear, did you throw out a letter from Mom before I could see it? Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

Do you see how this little thing could blow up all out of proportion? Protecting your son is one thing. It is your perogative as a parent to decide what kind of mail gets to him at his age. Protecting your husband from his mother when he hasn’t asked you to do so is another thing altogether.

It could go like this:
“Don, your mom sent a solstice card with a Planned Parenthood sticker plastered on the outside. Do you want to see it?”
“Why would I want to see that? Did she write a note or something? No? OK, well then, you can pitch it.”
Later conversation…
“No, Mom, I didn’t see the card. Rita mentioned it, but I didn’t look at it, because frankly, I don’t celebrate the solstice, which I think you know. Why do you ask?”

I think it would also be a better tack with your son to pity your MIL’s jabs at you and her support of immoral causes, rather than to be provoked by them. A comment like, “Oh, my, she’s still at it. We need to keep praying for her” is much more helpful for a child with such a grandmother than “UGH!” She’s still your DH’s mom, your children’s grandmother. On that account, you need to keep hoping for the best for her, whether she likes it or not. The card upsets you, it upsets your son, but instead of just getting upset or totally ignoring it, you use it as a reminder to pray for her. You go the third way.

After all, God loves her. He must pity her and desire her repentance. She may not look like much to you, but God wants her back. He wants us to want her back, too, to thirst for her return as He does, to hope that she will come out of the awful prison she has shut herself into. That is our work as Christians.

Explain to your kids that God loves Grandma just as much as he loves the rest of you…which is totally. It is your work to help God get her back to Himself, which is where He made her to be.

Just a thought.
 
I didn’t throw the card away! It’s here for him to read it. He knows about throwing the envelope away. I don’t think he wanted the envelope either way.
 
In addition he totally cares more for his mom than me or my feelings. He always sides with her. I’ve stopped asking or hoping that he would ever side with me. It won’t happen in my lifetime. He calls her complete meanness toward me “her way”. Whatever. Nice way - huh? I do pray, I do compliment, I never rip on her in front of the kids or dh even though he rips on my family (who has continuously bent over backwards to make our lives easier and have been more of a family to him than he’s ever known).
 
Apparently there are posters on here that are way more saintly then I would be. If either of my inlaws tried to convince my husband to leave me that would be the end of the relationship. I do have a father-in-law who can be nasty but he is a bully and once I grew a back bone he’s backed off for the most part.

Next year I would buy the most religious looking Christmas cards preferably from a pro-life group and get some pro-life stickers to stick on the envelope while I was at it.

Ok that isn’t exactly helping you be charitable. Sorry:o . If I had an MIL like that the most charitable thing I could conjure up was not talking to her at all. Because I did talk it would not be charitable.

God Bless you for trying.
 
I’m with Rayne…I would cut this MIL out of my life and that of my children. Period. I think you don’t need her poison in your home while your children are being raised.

You can show her all the ‘love’ you like after they are out of the house and firmly grounded. Your children come before her.

As for your husband, he is the bigger problem. I would not allow him to discuss his mom with you. Why do you need to be insulted with his devotion toward her? Just take all the mail she sends and put it in a box for him. Let him know you will be deleting all her calls. She can call him on his cell or at work. I would be very upfront about it with him and hold your ground.
 
In my Christmas Letter this year I talked about how my oldest will be attending the March for Life in DC. I think that’s what set her off, tbh. She thinks we (and the pope) are brainwashing the kids, LOL. Hmm - do I want them to grow up and be good people that contribute to society or a nasty old lady that actually put in her letter that she would rather be around birds and animals than see any humans. Save the trees and kill the children - that’s her motto. I think we can save trees AND children - children being first, of course. 🙂 And she never, ever calls so that’s not a problem. She does occasionally send emails but I usually just delete them (if they come to my account, dh has his own acct. and she knows that).

It’s very painful for me as I despise conflict and family is SO important. I know I was really lucky growing up as I never fought with my brother and my grandparents on both sides were awesome. Ah well - prayer is the weapon I have left. 🙂
 
ekblad7 said:
In addition he totally cares more for his mom than me or my feelings. He always sides with her. I’ve stopped asking or hoping that he would ever side with me. It won’t happen in my lifetime. He calls her complete meanness toward me “her way”. Whatever. Nice way - huh? I do pray, I do compliment, I never rip on her in front of the kids or dh even though he rips on my family (who has continuously bent over backwards to make our lives easier and have been more of a family to him than he’s ever known).
Click to expand...
No, he doesn’t care more for her. It just feels that way. He has adapted to her difficult ways by not making waves.

My dh does the passive aggressive thing with his mom. He says 'yes" or doesn’t say anything at all to her and then he just does his own thing. I get mad that he doesn’t defend me or stand up to her. But, his technique (however immature) works pretty well for him.

errrrrrrr…:mad:

he shouldn’t rip on your family, but I bet he feels safer with them. With his mom, should he contradict her, WWIII would break out.

Really, there’s nothing you can do about her (except, pray). It’s really your husband’s relationship to her that is the problem.

But, MIL problems are so common. I think when you get angry about it, you should spend time praying for the time when you are a MIL.

God bless you with the last weeks of your pregnancy.
 
It must be hard for your DH, after all, this is his only mom. You know, when men are dying on battlefields, they almost all call out “mom”, with their dying breath.
But when we get married we are told to leave our parents and become one flesh, and we choose our spouse, and not our parents.
 
Hmm - he’s never been allowed to call her “mom” only by her first name. My kids aren’t allowed to call her grandma either. So I don’t have them call her anything because I’m against them calling her by her first name. So, I wonder who dh would call for on the battlefield, LOL. What’s even more irritating is that when she does see the kids or write them letters she refers to dh and I by our first names and refuses to even acknowledge that we are their parents.
 
I get the impression that you almost never see her in person and have pretty limited contact with her in general. Does she call on the phone often? Does your dh call her regularly? Do she and your dh communicate directly by email? Or are you the intermediary between the two. If you are the go-between, you may just want to back off of that role. Sure, send her cards now and then. But it’s not necessary that you update her on the details of your family life when your dh isn’t willing to do it himself. Plus, it’s not like she receives the news with happiness - she is so critical of your lifestyle. I’d suggest that you stop initiating contact with her - let your dh maintain a relationship with her if he wants to. And if she contacts you, be polite but distant.

If you don’t have a lot of contact, and if your dh resists your attempts to get him to “side with you” then you may be better off just avoiding the topic of her as much as possible for now (this is assuming you don’t expect him to follow her advice and leave you or anything). Perhaps if you steer clear of criticizing her, he will feel less defensive of his mother and be more willing to look at “her ways” more honestly. I know my dh is always more realistic about his mother’s flaws when I’m not the one pointing them out. Even if he lives in dreamland and thinks his mom is an absolute princess, at least you can count your blessings that she’s not a part of your daily life and not an influence on your kids.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Prayers for your family.
 
You are right - we never see her. We’ve been married for 11 years and I’ve seen her maybe 5 times. She hasn’t been here in over three years and prefers we not visit her. She does not call here. Dh talks to her maybe twice or three times/year. I can always tell when he has b/c he starts to act crazy and tells me he’s going to leave me or whatever. I used to call her weekly to keep her “up to date” but that ended over a year ago. Everytime I spoke to her she threw in something about the abortions she’d had or how she dislikes the pope/the church, etc. I’m not the go between anymore. They just don’t really communicate. I haven’t said anything to him about her in a while for the reasons the PP suggested. I want him to see it for himself. Maybe he never will or if he does he won’t admit it. I’m ok with that. :)g
 
I think your MIL has serious emotional issues and a deep need for attention. I’m an agnostic who would probably not be happy if my child became religious, but I wouldn’t get angry if I had a lot of grandchildren; I’d be very happy about them. And this whole ‘celebrating the solstice’ thing is just lame. I celebrate Christmas, though not the religious aspect, because I think it’s a fun time for a family to be together…my family does not incorporate anything religious in. I would never make a big show over not celebrating Christmas just to show off how much I didn’t believe in God…and celebrating the solstice…come on? That’s just something people do when they really, really, REALLY, want to prove how un-religious they are and just show it off for the sake of attention. It’s so in your face it’s just a real attention issue…so I just wouldn’t give it to her and feel bad for her.
 
Yes! Thank you! That’s how I feel - like she’s got to shove it in my face that she doesn’t believe. OK - when I married dh he didn’t believe either, had never been baptized, ect. He didn’t shove it in my face. He just didn’t participate in the religion. I can accept that. I have a semi close friend (she recently moved so I don’t see her anymore) but they were agnostic. She didn’t shove it in my face and she still celebrated Christmas - just not the religious parts, KWIM? Anyway - I’m swollen and have to sit alot that’s why I’m on this board non stop, LOL.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top