How to respond like Jesus?

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Mary67

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So my husband and I just recently came back from our summer vacation. But, as soon as we got back I could tell my mother in law was not happy with me. I have no idea what is wrong and in the past when my husband and I have brought it up it turns into a mess. Just recently, we told her we lost our baby at 9 weeks. She responded by calling it a “false alarm” and changing the subject to herself. And, when I saw her after we got back she didn’t want to look or talk to me; just my husband. She also makes constant passive aggressive comments that go over my husbands head and leave me feeling crazy. I want to respond in a Christian manner, but it’s becoming more and more difficult as this behavior continues. The only thing my husband and I can think of is that she resents me for being in school full time without also having a full time job (which would actually be impossible for me to do considering my current work load and not to mention housework). Once when I mentioned I had to do some homework she replied “oh, you’re still doing that?” I have no idea what to do since I’m never good enough for her. My husband is completely fine with our current arrangements. Any advice?
 
How to respond like Jesus
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You could go into her house and knock over all the tables. 🤣

Seriously though, she sounds like a toxic individual. I’d limit my contact as much as possible. But as well I’d ask your husband to stand up for you in these times and try to tune to her sbusive comments.
 
It depends. Sons with toxic mothers have a hard time standing up to them. (Generally)

The wife is new to getting the hostility. This is the husband’s reality since birth.

I’m speaking generally.
 
Mary67 said:
Once when I mentioned I had to do some homework she replied “oh, you’re still doing that ?”
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On the other hand, maybe she meant “if I were going to school, working full time, I would not have time for housework.”
Mary67 said:
Just recently, we told her we lost our baby at 9 weeks. She responded by calling it a “false alarm” and changing the subject to herself.
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Many years ago, I’d kept my second pregnancy a secret, had not even told my husband (was planning a fun way to tell him). Then, my tube ruptured and we not only lost the pregnancy but I almost lost my life.

After it was over, I had a hard time because other people did not really acknowledge the loss of that life. Took me many years to accept that I had had weeks to fall in love with my baby before the loss, but, even my husband had not had even 5 minutes to love before it was over. He will never have the attachment that I have to our second child. It does not make him bad, it just is they way things are.

Our parents, siblings, friends, even moreso. By not sharing the pregnancy from the first moment I discovered it, I robbed them of the weeks when they, too, could have fallen in love.

Perhaps it was crushing to find out that she had a grandchild, only to know that child is not alive all in the same moment. In order to keep from sobbing, she had to change the subject.

My point is, we somethings assume things.

It might be good to simply ask your MIL “what did you mean when you said blah blah?”
 
F_Marturana said:
It depends. Sons with toxic mothers have a hard time standing up to them. (Generally)
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I know, but he should be challenged to do so. His main duty now is to his wife and he must do what he can to protect her and his family from his mother’s outbursts.
 
She knew from the beginning and she hasn’t said a kind word to either of us since. That doesn’t seem like grief to me. And, also, I forgot to note that she is pro abortion. But regardless I would have hoped she could have empathy for my husband and I in our pain.
 
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Mary67 said:
I have no idea what to do since I’m never good enough for her. My husband is completely fine with our current arrangements. Any advice?
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stop mentioning things to her. As in, stop talking to her. Stay away from her. Don’t mention your miscarriage or your school or anything.

She’s your husband’s mother, he needs to deal with her and set boundaries.

The more concerning part of your post is that he doesn’t defend you and that he “is completely fine” with how things are. This is an issue between you and your husband, not you and your mother in law.

If she insulted me or made comments to me, I’d get up and leave. If I had to Uber, so be it.
 
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1ke said:
stop mentioning things to her. As in, stop talking to her. Stay away from her. Don’t mention your miscarriage or your school or anything.

She’s your husband’s mother, he needs to deal with her and set boundaries.

The more concerning part of your post is that he doesn’t defend you and that he “is completely fine” with how things are. This is an issue between you and your husband, not you and your mother in law.

If she insulted me or made comments to me, I’d get up and leave. If I had to Uber, so be it.
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Exactly.

Just stop. Stop visiting, stop talking to her. If she calls, and you have to answer, say, “Here he is.” Or if you can, allow the call to go to voice mail.

Don’t share information.

Being like Jesus does not mean that you have to constantly put yourself out there to be abused. You are allowed to protect yourself and your marriage.

I have a toxic mother in law. She has never liked me, and has actively tried, numerous times, to come between my husband and me. This was for the 2 years we dated and the first 18ish years we were married.

About 10 years ago, she stopped talking to any of us. She totally cut us off. I guess there was some perceived injustice on her part and she was done with it all. Worked for us. Honestly, it was the best thing to happen to our marriage and our life.

I am hoping that he is “completely fine” with you not working, but instead going to school. Rather than he is fine with the abuse his mother is giving you. If he is fine with the abuse, the two of you need to have a heart to heart sit down talk. He needs to know how you feel and what his mother is doing to you.
 
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I have given my mother in law the benefit of the doubt time after time even though her behavior has hurt me so many times. But, this latest thing just convinced me that I can never be good enough for her.

My husband is in a transition mode. I don’t think any man likes to have his wife and mother upset with each other. When I brought the subject up a few weeks ago he didn’t see what I saw and suggested that I was overreacting. But, MIL’s latest behavior both hurt him and convinced him that I wasn’t imagining things. I do worry though that we will end up running into her and in this scenario neither of us know exactly what to do. Do we pretend we don’t see her? Do we try to act nice? Or do we just tell her what is going on? We plan on moving away from this area soon (since she lives close by) but we have to plan it out because my husband has a great job here.

My side of the family is no better. My parents accuse my husband of trying to keep me away from them when in reality they were trying to break us up (through manipulation and abusive tactics) even after the wedding, so we drew boundaries. My husband is scared that if we cut his mom off we won’t have anyone to emotionally support us in times of need. But, I told him there is alway hope and God is always good. I think we just need to find a welcoming catholic community where we feel at home. It’s one reason we plan to move out of our current area.
 
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Mary67 said:
She knew from the beginning and she hasn’t said a kind word to either of us since. That doesn’t seem like grief to me. And, also, I forgot to note that she is pro abortion. But regardless I would have hoped she could have empathy for my husband and I in our pain.
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It is really disappointing when parents aren’t the support they should be to their kids and their spouses. With that said, you aren’t going to change it.

I suggest two things. First, keep your personal business private. As hard as it is to keep a pregnancy quiet, this is why many people don’t announce until the first trimester is completed. Everyone has an opinion, and many don’t know to keep their traps shut.

The second thing is that you need to convey to your husband that you need him to confront his mother when she behaves inapporpriately. You and your husband should decide, together, what the boundaries are going to be and then stick to it. Once MIL realizes her rudeness and passive aggressive behavior isn’t going to be tolerated, she will either shape up or ship out.

It won’t happen overnight, most likely, so you need to be patient. She has probably treated your husband like this his whole life, so he may need some counseling to help him in navigating how to set the boundaries and stick to them (in a loving way, of course).
 
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My advice? Take it for what it is worth, and with a grain of salt. There is no way we can really know your situation.

Talk with your husband; not just about the factual situation, but about the feelings you have (and not she made me feel x, y, or, z). In his understanding that, there may be a change in attitude.

If you are having the feelings of not being good enough, get some some support and help with that. You obviously were good enough for your husband. Counselor, priest, etc.

Learn to set some realistic boundaries and limits between the two of you (with your husband’s knowledge and support). Sometimes that is not easy, and may need outside resources for that.
 
QwertyGirl said:
keep your personal business private. As hard as it is to keep a pregnancy quiet, this is why many people don’t announce until the first trimester is completed. Everyone has an opinion, and many don’t know to keep their traps shut.
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This is what I did with both of my pregnancies. I went as far as to fake drinking wine in social situations so people wouldn’t suspect anything. A pregnancy is a personal thing between you and your husband, and both of you have the right to privacy.
 
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I think we felt pressured to tell his family because everyone in his family kept asking if we were pregnant yet and we didn’t want to come into a situation where we would be tempted to lie, so we told them from the getgo. But honestly that’s not happening anymore after this. I think some families can be very supportive with sensitive information, and we both expected more from his mom, but it just didn’t turn out the way we expected.
 
Mary67 said:
I think we felt pressured to tell his family because everyone in his family kept asking if we were pregnant yet and we didn’t want to come into a situation where we would be tempted to lie, so we told them from the getgo
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If you get these kind of questions again, I would say something like, “When we have pregnancy news, we will be sure to tell you. Until then, we would appreciate if everyone would stop asking.” That way you are not answering and not lying. You are definitely not obligated to tell anyone whether or not you are pregnant; if you and your husband want to keep the news private for a few months, you ought to be able to do that without people prying.
Mary67 said:
But honestly that’s not happening anymore after this. I think some families can be very supportive with sensitive information, and we both expected more from his mom, but it just didn’t turn out the way we expected
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I am so sorry, both for your loss and for the fact that your family was not as supportive as you had hoped. ❤️
 
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At this point I’d stop expecting anything from her She’s your husband’s mother, that makes the relationship your family has with her his business, not yours. Some in-laws hit it off and become friends, some don’t. She’s already hurt you, so don’t put yourself in a place where you’d easily be hurt again. It doesn’t sound like your husband is trying to force a friendship between you and her, so there’s no reason for you to do so. When, for one reason or other, you have to be in her presence, avoid personal questions. If she asks such a question, let your husband handle it.
 
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