How would you tell your parents

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Feanaro_s_Wife

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How would you tell your parents that you don’t want them staying at your home before/during/after your wedding? Or would you?
My sister and her fiance and getting married next fall. They have a house (I know…but they are not Catholic, or even religious, and I am happy that they are actually getting married) and her fiance’s parents assume that when they come for the wedding that they will be staying there.
Her fiance is very upset at the prospect of asking them to make other arrangements because he knows that they will be offened no matter how nicely he puts it. But, for my sister’s sanity, he is committed to doing it anyways.
Do you have any advice on how to approach them?
My parents will invite them to stay with them if they can make room in time (major clutter issues, lol)…but fiance still fears that won’t be good enough.
Any advice or opinions would be great!
malia
 
Can the parents afford to pay to stay somewhere else? I can understand why they might not feel comfortable staying with your parents if they don’t know them. If money is tight and they are paying to travel & can’t afford a hotel, I would not say a word.

In fact, I don’t think I’d say anything regardless. Since the bride & groom have already lived like husband and wife, I think they’ve given up the right to privacy after the wedding and in keeping the peace, I would allow them to stay - unless they are terribly awful to me - in which case, I’d question whether I’d want to spend the rest of my life with them as in laws.
 
carol_marie said:
…Since the bride & groom have already lived like husband and wife, I think they’ve given up the right to privacy after the wedding …
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Sorry, but I have to disagree with you here. The "to be married " couple have the right to privacy as much as anyone. The fact that they lived together prior to the wedding does not negate that right.
If I were them, I would check out various hotels in the area and give them a list. The couple is not really obligated beyond that.
Kathy
 
What if your sister and and future brother in law stay in a hotel, and let his parents stay in the house? That way, it will appear to his parents as if they want to have a special wedding night away from home. The parents shouldn’t feel slighted by that sort of sentiment.
 
Katie1723 said:
Sorry, but I have to disagree with you here. The "to be married " couple have the right to privacy as much as anyone. The fact that they lived together prior to the wedding does not negate that right.
If I were them, I would check out various hotels in the area and give them a list. The couple is not really obligated beyond that.
Kathy
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Word I would probably pay for them to go to the hotel. Just because they have been living together doesn’t mean they have to play host on their wedding night. It’s still their home. They can say they’d rather have the joint to themselves for the evening.
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
How would you tell your parents that you don’t want them staying at your home before/during/after your wedding? Or would you?
My sister and her fiance and getting married next fall. They have a house (I know…but they are not Catholic, or even religious, and I am happy that they are actually getting married) and her fiance’s parents assume that when they come for the wedding that they will be staying there.
Her fiance is very upset at the prospect of asking them to make other arrangements because he knows that they will be offened no matter how nicely he puts it. But, for my sister’s sanity, he is committed to doing it anyways.
Do you have any advice on how to approach them?
My parents will invite them to stay with them if they can make room in time (major clutter issues, lol)…but fiance still fears that won’t be good enough.
Any advice or opinions would be great!
malia
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I think that your parents are just super to do that but I can’t imagine that your sister won’t welcome her in-laws to her home.
After all, they’re family, or they will be.
 
Katie1723 said:
Sorry, but I have to disagree with you here. The "to be married " couple have the right to privacy as much as anyone. The fact that they lived together prior to the wedding does not negate that right.
If I were them, I would check out various hotels in the area and give them a list. The couple is not really obligated beyond that.
Kathy
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Yes, but, they’re family!
You can’t turn away family!
 
OldAgeGuru said:
Word I would probably pay for them to go to the hotel. Just because they have been living together doesn’t mean they have to play host on their wedding night. It’s still their home. They can say they’d rather have the joint to themselves for the evening.
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Yeah, but…they’re FAMILY now. It’s not like their wedding night is going to make a difference since they’ve lived together.
I do like your idea about paying for a hotel for them, but I hate the idea of turning away family.
 
Yes, but, they’re family!
You can’t turn away family!
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You better believe you can. Parents of adult children have no right to interfere with their legitimate domestic issues. Likewise, no one has any right to impose on someone else. If they are in true need, that is one thing but if someone is a mooch, clingy, or violating the legitimate privacy issues of their family members then they can stay somewhere else.
 
Karianne said:
Yeah, but…they’re FAMILY now. It’s not like their wedding night is going to make a difference since they’ve lived together.
I do like your idea about paying for a hotel for them, but I hate the idea of turning away family.
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I hate the idea of turning away family too. I think I would turn them away more sneakily than saying we paid for a room at Motel 6 for you. I think I would see if I could swing financially for both sets of parents to stay at a reasonably nice hotel and call it a thank you present for all their hard work, and being such great parents. Maybe splurge for a round of golf for the guys and a massage for the ladies. Plus I think that now as a married couple is a REALLY good time to start setting boundaries.

Although to be fair. Everyone I know didn’t do anything on their wedding night but sleep.
 
ComradeAndrei said:
You better believe you can. Parents of adult children have no right to interfere with their legitimate domestic issues. Likewise, no one has any right to impose on someone else. If they are in true need, that is one thing but if someone is a mooch, clingy, or violating the legitimate privacy issues of their family members then they can stay somewhere else.
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I can’t believe what I’m reading!
All of the adult children in my family cherish their parents and welcome them in their homes. For the married ones, who better to give them advice than their own parents, even if they’re grown their parents still love them and want what is best for them and they have their best interests at heart.

Legally, you are correct,of course. But it’s very sad when parents are not welcome in the home of their children.
In my family we all stay at each other’s homes, as did our parents before us with their siblings and cousins.
So I guess that it’s shocking to me when that is not the norm, I realize that the couple is not Catholic but even so, the whole thing surprises me.
 
OldAgeGuru said:
I hate the idea of turning away family too. I think I would turn them away more sneakily than saying we paid for a room at Motel 6 for you. I think I would see if I could swing financially for both sets of parents to stay at a reasonably nice hotel and call it a thank you present for all their hard work, and being such great parents. Maybe splurge for a round of golf for the guys and a massage for the ladies. Plus I think that now as a married couple is a REALLY good time to start setting boundaries.

Although to be fair. Everyone I know didn’t do anything on their wedding night but sleep.
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I think that you have come up with the absolute best solution! There’s no way the parents can be offended by a thank you gift and they would probably delight in a massage, esp after the wedding.
You’re right about boundaries, but when the new babies come in our family don’t most grandmas move in for awhile to help out? Or are those days over too?
 
I can’t believe what I’m reading!
All of the adult children in my family cherish their parents and welcome them in their homes. For the married ones, who better to give them advice than their own parents, even if they’re grown their parents still love them and want what is best for them and they have their best interests at heart.
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That is all great, but that doesn’t mean the parents have some sort of right to stay. If the couple doesn’t want them to stay there on their wedding night, they should respect that.

I personally wouldn’t have a problem with that if I were getting married, but I’m not everyone.
Legally, you are correct,of course. But it’s very sad when parents are not welcome in the home of their children.
In my family we all stay at each other’s homes, as did our parents before us with their siblings and cousins.
So I guess that it’s shocking to me when that is not the norm, I realize that the couple is not Catholic but even so, the whole thing surprises me.
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I don’t mean this as an absolute to be observed at all times, in all places, by everyone and every situation. Furthermore, I’m not advocating that people should disavow their parents after they marry.

Privacy (in legitimate instances) should be respected as far as charity and prudence allow. Don’t be shocked at something so pedestrian.
 
I think the only way out of this gracefully is to do one of 2 things. Either they let the parents/inlaws stay at the house while the couple goes to a hotel for their honeymoon. *Thanks mom and dad, for watching the house while we enjoy our honeymoon! *
Or, number 2, is to pay for the parents/inlaws hotel stay while they’re in town. Gee mom and dad, let us treat you to a nice hotel stay while you’re here helping us celebrate our wedding!

Best wishes!
 
Karianne said:
.
You’re right about boundaries, but when the new babies come in our family don’t most grandmas move in for awhile to help out? Or are those days over too?
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You have just described my worst nightmare. My mother, his mother a sreaming infant and underslept me. If they wanna move in… fine, I’m gonna treat myself to a night at a nice hotel and a massage and a round of golf 🙂
 
OldAgeGuru said:
You have just described my worst nightmare. My mother, his mother a sreaming infant and underslept me. If they wanna move in… fine, I’m gonna treat myself to a night at a nice hotel and a massage and a round of golf 🙂
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LOL…this happened to a friend of mine and the mom helped out with the older kids so that the NEW mom could get some sleep. She also did the housework and cooking.
Your idea of a hotel for yourself sounds even better, you can leave the babies with the grandmas!
 
I don’t mean this as an absolute to be observed at all times, in all places, by everyone and every situation. Furthermore, I’m not advocating that people should disavow their parents after they marry.

Privacy (in legitimate instances) should be respected as far as charity and prudence allow. Don’t be shocked at something so pedestrian.

I’m shocked because the tone of your post was so cold towards the parents, and it’s not pedestrian in the circles I travel in.
I’m glad that at least you admit that the parents have a role to play in the lives of their adult children.
 
**His parents are welcome and have been welcomed as recently as this Christmas holiday. But, I don’t think anyone needs the stress of entertaining guests before their wedding, on the night of their wedding, and for an indetermined period after their wedding. **
His parents are the “we’ll be coming to stay with you on friday and leaving on sunday but actually come on the previous wednesday and stay for 2 weeks” kind of people.
His parents do not respect my sis and her fiance’s need to have time alone and are rude and inconsiderate houseguests. With that said, my sis has graciously welcomed them, along with her bratty undisciplined niece into her home on many occassions. I don’t think wanting the time around her wedding to be free of that stress is too much to ask.
The idea of a hotel came up, and sis and fiance are willing to pay for it, but have no idea how long or when to book it for as his parents would just stay with them for the rest of the time they decide to stay in town. They are not going to take a hotel room for a week or two around their wedding as they have pets to care for at home.
**I agree that family should be welcomed into our homes, but I also think that they should be invited and be respectful of house rules and have some common courtesy. **
I think, that given the type of people her soon to be inlaws are, she is wise to want boundaries set NOW.
malia
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
How would you tell your parents that you don’t want them staying at your home before/during/after your wedding? Or would you?
My sister and her fiance and getting married next fall. They have a house (I know…but they are not Catholic, or even religious, and I am happy that they are actually getting married) and her fiance’s parents assume that when they come for the wedding that they will be staying there.
Her fiance is very upset at the prospect of asking them to make other arrangements because he knows that they will be offened no matter how nicely he puts it. But, for my sister’s sanity, he is committed to doing it anyways.
Do you have any advice on how to approach them?
My parents will invite them to stay with them if they can make room in time (major clutter issues, lol)…but fiance still fears that won’t be good enough.
Any advice or opinions would be great!
malia
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Hey Malia!
How about your place (if you live in the same city as where the marriage is taking place), or how about a relative’s/family friend’s place? Maybe work out some alternative arrangements for them and then give them a not-so-subtle hint that a newly married couple may not want them around? They had their wedding night together (and presumably alone). I would suspect they would understand. Is the wedding in Edmonton? I have some relatives in Canada who may be open to helping them out… obviously no promises :o I hope you can make things work out so that all are comfortable and content, but yeah, try to give your sister a break. PM me if you want.
Good Luck!!!
 
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