Husband wants to move...I’m afraid to

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BiologyBrain

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This is really long—I’m sorry.

Here are the basics. My husband wants to move because he no longer wants to be neighbors with my parents (we’ve been neighbors with them for almost 13 years). I am afraid to move because I rely on my parents to help me with the children (9 & 11) going to Mass & other Sacraments. The move will be about 20 minutes from my parents…meaning it would take pre-planning to have them able to take the children to Mass if I can’t (a fairly regular occurrence I go into below). We would also likely need to switch parishes away from the community that welcomed our children in Baptism & Communion, him in Baptism, & us in Marriage. We will also be moving from our adequate 3 bedroom house on an acre to a 22-acre hobby farm that currently has no house, clean running water, or toilet (we have a camper there that we sometimes stay in & use country-boy/girl privilege for toilet). We just agreed to buy the farm from his step-father. I asked him to promise me he wouldn’t make me move out there if we bought it—2 months ago.

He moved out 12 days ago. He told me right before he moved out that he wanted to leave me because I wouldn’t move. I admit I got very angry and told him that if he loved the farm more than he loved me, to just go ahead & move out. I really didn’t expect him to do so…I left the house (our children were at his mother’s) so we could both cool our tempers. When I returned he had taken 90% of his household goods to his mother’s house.

We have gone to one marriage counseling session (last week) & he was unhappy with the counselor, but as of right now we’re committed to going back separately. I spoke with him in depth after our counseling session and even told him that I’d be willing to move, but I couldn’t promise to be happy about it. I wrote him a message saying the same thing, but his reply is basically that since I can’t promise to be happy it isn’t going to work out. He says he’s feeling more relaxed & less stressed since he moved out (he’s still with his mother). He says it would be too awkward to move back in and since I can’t promise to be happy, it won’t work for me to agree to move either. I’m at my wits end.

Background:
My husband is nominally Catholic—Christmas & Easter & occasionally other special occasions. He does not make it difficult for us to attend Mass, he just doesn’t help. He was going to RCIA when we got married, but quit before being baptized. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant with our 2nd child & survived chemo while pregnant, he got baptized with our newborn daughter. Since then he has steadily ceased going to Mass (except on special occasions).

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He is in disability for anxiety and severe chronic back pain. He must have me (or an adult) in the car with him to drive anywhere. He has bad days where he mostly lays in his recliner in the living room in pain & therefore grumpy (he admits this freely, I’m not disparaging him). On his good days he is usually actively engaged in some fix-it project (cars, lawn mowers, even air conditioning & such) around the house. He is very good about taking care of the animals (we have 3 horses, 5 bunnies, & 3 dogs). He is a good dad & a good husband.

I am on disability for chronic severe migraines & nerve damage from my breast cancer treatments/surgeries. There are days where I am practically unconscious from pain and/or vomiting so severely I barely know who’s in the house with me. I am sometimes unable to drive safely because I pass out from my migraines. Recently I have improved (in the last month or so), but there are still many times I’m unable to drive (or go to Mass myself) due to my issues. In the last 10 years since my breast cancer, things have been difficult with my health. I have not been able to do as much around the house as I’d like, although I do homeschool the children (at his insistence as well as mine) and do what I can on my ‘good’ days.

My parents have always lived next door to us. In fact, when we were dating/engaged, he lived with them for a while to make the most of our time together (I lived in the house I’d just bought). I bought the house we live in shortly before we got engaged. We’ve been married for almost 13 years. For about 15 months, my parents lived with us 3 years ago when they downsized from a bigger house & more land to an almost tiny house on 4 acres—still next door. They were effectively homeless & my husband offered to have them move in with us…until he threw them out. My husband is mechanically minded & repairs my parents vehicles at cost (they buy parts, he puts them in). He says he enjoys mowing, so he mows their yard in addition to ours. My father is an independent consultant for a couple different businesses & doesn’t make much beyond his pension on a regular basis. My mom was always a homemaker. In other words they don’t have much money.

When one or both of us are feeling poorly, my mom (& dad too) have always lent a hand with the kiddos. They take us to doctors’ appointments, grocery shopping, help with homeschooling, Sacraments, etc. His mother is Baptist & remarried while his father is Jehovah’s Witness & remarried. Our children typically spend 2+ days a week with one or both sets of his parents, but only see mine because we’re neighbors (no spending the night or staying there away from us for days at a time). His parents will be marginally closer to us than mine if we move, but since they aren’t Catholic I’m not sure I could rely on them to be helpful with Mass. His mother says she is willing to take the children to Mass for me, but how do I know that will work—especially since she believes basically any church service is the same as another and/or that missing ‘service’ isn’t that big of a deal?

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He insists that my mother (& father) interfere with our relationship. His basis for that is that I often have the same opinions as my parents & when my opinions/decisions are in conflict with his (or new different than he prefers), he says my parents are controlling me. He also says they are using him/us because they are lazy (& therefore have no money to pay him for his services—but he volunteers his services). I do not always agree with my parents on various issues, but I don’t make a big deal out of it. I am typically a compliant person & do my best to do what is expected of me—whether My husband or my parents or my boss or the Church, etc. He says that he doesn’t feel like he is ‘man of the house’, but he can’t tell me who is. My parents do not come into our house often at all—maybe a half a dozen time since they moved out 3 years ago. There has been no open hostility on any one’s part for a long time. In fact, I was just thinking things had settled into a good groove right before this blow up happened. He was walking into my parents house, joking & teasing them (as is his way), & we were doing things as a family (the kiddos and my hubby & I) that we hadn’t been able to do for a while since I’ve had my health issues.

I don’t know what to do.
 
As a person with a disability who is married to another person with a disabilty, a support system is vital. Is your husband being treated for his depression and anxiety?

Stick with counseling, stick with your support system.

Seriously, with both of your issues, living in a trailer with an outhouse sounds like a terrible idea!
 
He thinks we can sell our house & build on the farm. The camper trailer was just supposed to be an occasional thing.

He is on medication for his anxiety & has tried several medical professionals to help with it, but he always goes back to his GP of 20+ years.

So I should just let him leave us (& divorce me)?
 
How would either of you be able to do any building if you are both on disability? Do you mean he plans to hire someone to do all that building?

It seems to me that providing stable living arrangements for your kids should be job 1. That would entail a building to live in with running water, plumbing, and toilets, I would think.

Truthfully, I would let him go if he isn’t willing to come to his senses. If he hasn’t come to his senses in your current situation, I don’t know what would make you believe he will come to his senses living on a farm he isn’t able to manage, in a trailer, with kids and a wife, and no toilets. Stress has a way of pushing people even farther to the edge, in my experience.

I am really sorry you are going through all this. Stay close to the support system you have (your family) to ride this out.
 
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Thank you. That’s what I’ve been thinking, but I don’t want to throw away almost 13 years of marriage if I could do something.
 
It sounds like a very difficult situation. I think it may be helpful to remember that the children need to come first, and what is best for them.

I am glad you sought counseling, and encourage you to continue with that even if it is by yourself. Sometimes when you are in a middle of a crisis it is really hard to unpack the issue with clarity. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Take one day at a time, and breathe.
 
Another thought I had is that it may be valid that your husband wants to relocate and put some distance between you and other family members. Maybe he feels he wants to establish some independence for him, you and the kids. This is not necessarily a bad thing. He would need to understand the need, as @thelittlelady stated, for a support system in your new environment.

However, moving to a new house in a new neighborhood with a reasonable school, church, doctor’s, grocery stores, etc. nearby is very different than moving the family to a farm to live in a trailer with no running water (and I suppose electricity, etc.). Is it possible he would compromise? If you are willing to relocate to someplace reasonable, he would give up the whole farm idea?

Just a thought. Maybe something to explore in counseling.
 
Would you be able to compromise? Move house but not to a farm with no water (which is a terrible idea!). Of course I don’t know, but perhaps the extreme suggestion has come from a place of deep frustration from your husband? To me it sounds as though over time this issue has been festering for your husband and he’s suddenly blown up with feeling unhappy/dependent on other people. This idea has sprung up and (in his head) become the only way to ‘fix’ things.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I agree, stick with the counseling. And be kind to yourself, you’re going through a lot of upheaval.
 
BiologyBrain said:
So I should just let him leave us (& divorce me)?
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You can’t force him to stay, and you need to think of your children. The living arrangement your husband proposes, given the situation of both of you needing support to just continue living in a house with amenities, is not practical. Your husband also is affected by mental illness and his judgment is probably adversely affected. He also didn’t keep his promise to you that he would not make you move if you agreed to the land purchase.

Your husband is being abusive, although he may not see it that way or intend it that way.

You need to tell your husband that you love him but you and the kids are not moving and that’s that. And then let him go do whatever he will do.
 
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What does he do with the acre you currently have?

What is he wanting to do with the 22-acre hobby farm?

Have him commute to develop the land into whatever his vision for it is, but preserve your residency. Either he’ll succeed, and have a project that makes him happy, and gives him a feeling of autonomy that he desires, or he’ll realize he doesn’t have the ability to do something that physically rigorous.

If he wants to live on the hobby farm, let him live in the camper for a period of time. Let him do his thing.

He’ll be back-- either when he misses you and the family enough, or when he realizes that he has an overly romantic view of farm life.

If he’s in a conversational mood, you can go ahead and break it down into smaller goals. You’ll consider settling onto the 22 acres after he has accomplished x, y, and z, where x, y, and z are milestones that indicate a “successful” hobby farm. But in the meantime, you want to stay next door to your support, because of the kids, and because of your own health problems.

20 minutes away isn’t that bad, in the big scheme of things. It’s not as good as next door. And camping during the heat of summer and the cold of winter isn’t thrilling, either. Potable water is always nice. And flush toilets are a good thing! Heat, a/c, and so on…

But I’d give him the ability to go out and attempt to do his thing---- but at the same time, make it clear to him that the door is open whenever he’s tired of his attempt at independence.

Except you phrase the thought much more tactfully than that. 😉 But that’s the idea.
 
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First, breathe! Then, start thinking things out, one by one. If you own your house (the one you’re in now) don’t sign any papers, giving him control. He seems set on the trailer/farm idea…and with both of you being disabled, that’s crazy!

And, don’t think it’s more virtuous to just let him get a no-fault divorce. You must protect your children, and yourself! You need your own lawyer to look out for your interests, concerning property ownership and division, along with the standard ones like child custody and visitation! When I said he sounded crazy, I meant it…in the most clinical, literal, sense. Don’t let someone else’s ideas of ‘virtue’ end up with you losing your home, and maybe your kids. Get a good lawyer to represent you!

It doesn’t sound as if anyone is telling you to stay with him…and, you have enough problems without trying to placate him! I know, I kind of got a little hysterical myself…but, be represented in court! This man is dragging you, and your kids, into his insane fantasies. Make it stop here!
 
I want to offer a very strong word of caution!!!

I would definitely try to work out some type of compromise or do what you can to work very hard, for your marriage, your children, yourself and your husband, your family. These are the people who are to be first in your life. Letting your husband go could create way more problems than what is happening right now. It could be something you totally regret later.
I personally know what it is like to have parents very close and it can be upsetting at times to the other spouse.

It would be better for both of you to talk with your priest or find a new counselor rather than look for answers here at CAF because the people here are only going to hear your side and no one is going to know the whole situation or even know your husband and what he is truly thinking. I am not saying that your side isn’t true or definitely concerning but we here at CAF do not know him or what he is thinking. We do not know you or your parents and the relationship between all of you.

From my experience a good number of people that read posts such as yours will encourage you against your husband without all the facts. I can already see it happening in the posts above.

Pray the rosary for your family, pray, pray, pray.

I also will pray for you, your husband, children and family.
 
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Well, I don’t think anybody in their right mind, Catholic or not, is going to encourage a lady with serious health issues and a husband who also has serious health issues to take their kids to go live in an isolated trailer with no plumbing when they are currently living in a perfectly good house and there is not a financial problem.

A husband who even suggests this is a good idea has, in my mind, taken leave of his senses and it is up to mom to protect those kids, first and foremost
 
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All I am saying is we do not know all the facts. It is not our place to say he has taken leave of his senses, without even knowing who he is or who she is. It is not our place to encourage any woman on an online forum who we do not know to leave her husband. That may be encouraging her into the worst thing she could do to her children, herself and her husband.

It is better to encourage more counseling or help from a priest.

I have seen this happen way too many times on forums and it is so not good.
 
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I can ask him about baby steps, but he told me yesterday that it will be too awkward to move back in here.

I’m not leaving or doing anything except what I have always done. I will keep going to counseling and keep my kiddos close. I’m not going to blindly take anyone’s advice—on a forum or even the counselor.

Thanks.
 
Well, now that I’ve had some time to think…definitely call your priest! He knows better than anyone here, what your options are, and knows you better, to help you make decisions.

That said, I doubt any priest would advise a handicapped couple, with two children, to move to a trailer without running water. if he mentions divorce again, hire a lawyer. You have rights that must be protected. As do your children!
 
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