I found the man I'm going to marry; now what?

[mywordshalom]

Hello all, blessed Friday

So I know I’ve found the one I am going to marry. We have been dating a few months, and met on Catholic Match. We have spend maybe 4-5 days worth total in person? And many many hours over phone calls and video chats. I am making another trip to visit him and his parents (first time meeting them) in a week and a half.

We’ve spent a lot of time talking, going into multiple important and deep discussions- such as what we want out of life, future children, dreams, family life. We have had a few squabbles, but we both have felt the same about each other throughout our dating. He’s believes I am the one he’s been waiting for too, and is waiting for me to meet his parents and get their (name removed by moderator)ut before really giving into deeper thought on where we are heading. As of now, and I’m not thinking as serious on it as of yet, but it appears that we are headed in a direction of a more serious discernment towards marriage.

Point is, I’ve felt this peaceful joy right at the beginning, and it’s only grown more and more strong. I can’t explain it, other than me just knowing he’s the one I’m going to marry. I’ve spent a lot of time since we’ve been dating thinking on it, praying about it, and I just keep getting a yes. We are in the same page with everything that would be important to be on the same page. Our personalities mesh really well with each other and compliments. We have many shared interests but in areas we are different in, where one lacks the other is strengthened in. This man is true, and he is really just about everything and more of what I’ve always wanted in a husband. I have no doubt that he is the one I’m called to spend my life with.

So my question here is, what can I do now to continue this discernment, and prepare for life ahead of this? I have been attending daily Mass , and I am getting deeper into a prayer life where I have been talking to Mary and praying a Novena to help with this discernment. I’ve also been altering my habits, striving to be a woman of God.

Any articles I can read? or books ? Or just some wisdom and advice from those of you who have been there and done that? What are some things I should be doing or thinking about?

I am nervous a little with where everything is going. I never expected to meet him so soon, or to be thinking of my future in such a way so quickly. I am not nervous about a life with him- in fact i’m very relieved at the thought of having someone to have my back and to be with me as I go about my future. But I am nervous of how my life is going to change overall in general. What are some saints I can look into who specialize in this area? Or some prayers that I can meditate on too?

 

[Retsel]

So my question here is, what can I do now to continue this discernment,

Slow down!

“…maybe 4-5 days worth total in person.”
“We have had a few squabbles,…”

I’m not trying to rain on your parade BUT, lust/infatuation and being so far apart do not automatically equal genuine love.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I think you may be getting a little bit ahead of yourself since he sounds like he wants you to meet his parents and then talk to them before he discerns further about a future relationship with you. If he had really decided you were “the one” he wouldn’t be saying he needs you to meet his parents and then give this all some “deeper thought”.

What’s actually happening here is you met a guy, you have had a few dates and talked a lot online, things are going well so far, and you feel strongly he could be “the one”. Which is fine, but it’s not a done deal yet.

I also know that when things like this happen, people want to find ways to stay involved with and focused on the experience and I think your question about “what more can I do to discern and prepare” is just that. You’re already praying and discerning. But there’s going to be a period here of waiting to see if everything truly does work out the way you’re thinking and hoping it will. And you also have a real life apart from thinking about/ discerning about/ fantasizing about this relationship. I personally think it would be better if you set aside a certain amount of time each day to think about the relationship or pray over it or whatever, but then used the rest of the time to focus on activities, such as school work, time with parents, time with friends, that didn’t involve sitting around thinking about your future life with Mr X, rather than trying to find more ways to pray and discern about Mr X.

 

[TheLittleLady]

First, read Fulton Sheen’s “Three To Get Married”

Next, the US Bishops have put together a ton of stuff

https://www.foryourmarriage.org/dating-engaged/

 

[mywordshalom]

Thank you! This is exactly something I was looking for!

Bless you

 

[AdamP88]

He’s believes I am the one he’s been waiting for too, and is waiting for me to meet his parents and get their (name removed by moderator)ut before really giving into deeper thought on where we are heading

This stood out to me. You should find out more about this I think. Why does he need his parents (name removed by moderator)ut to decide? This could possibly signify an unhealthy aspect of their relationship.

 

[AdamP88]

Slow down!

“…maybe 4-5 days worth total in person.”
“We have had a few squabbles,…”

I’m not trying to rain on your parade BUT, lust/infatuation and being so far apart do not automatically equal genuine love.

I think you’re jomping to conclusions here. It’s possible to feel love for someone very quickly. And speaking with someone online is no different to having a conversation in person really.

I met my wife on CAF. We spoke for many months before I met her. The first time I met her in person I decided I was going to ask her to marry me.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Because, we can be blinded by love. It is wise to have your family and friends provide an unclouded opinion before you marry, at least for those of us who have healthy relationships with our Godly parents.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I think it’s pretty normal for a young man to take a young woman he has recently met and gotten serious about to meet his parents before he makes decisions about the progress of the relationship. Especially in this case where they have only had a few dates, have interacted mostly online, and it’s not a case of someone from the neighborhood or the parish whom the parents have seen around for years or knows their family. It’s a sign of respect for the parents as well as indicating to the girl that he is indeed serious about her and wishes to make her a part of his family. She is marrying into a family, not just marrying the guy and everybody else is excluded.

 

[AdamP88]

Because, we can be blinded by love. It is wise to have your family and friends provide an unclouded opinion before you marry, at least for those of us who have healthy relationships with our Godly parents.

Yeah but there’s a difference between asking your parent’s advice and needing your parent’s “authorisation” to marry someone. I got the impression that it was the latter, which is a bit unhealthy. An adult is supposed to be able to make their own decisions in this regard.

 

[AdamP88]

I think it’s pretty normal for a young man to take a young woman he has recently met and gotten serious about to meet his parents before he makes decisions about the progress of the relationship.

Again, there’s a difference between advice and needing your parents permission. It’s certainly not normal for parents to have too much of a say in who you marry.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I think it also depends on the culture you are in. In the US, it may be common to bring home a girl whom you are already pretty definitely thinking of marrying. I have met people whose parents are from other cultures where the parents definitely expect to have some (name removed by moderator)ut on the whole marital partner selection process and it would be considered disrespectful to exclude them.

 

[AdamP88]

I think it also depends on the culture you are in. In the US, it may be common to bring home a girl whom you are already pretty definitely thinking of marrying. I have met people whose parents are from other cultures where the parents definitely expect to have some (name removed by moderator)ut on the whole marital partner selection process and it would be considered disrespectful to exclude them.

I’m just saying from a Catholic perspective that’s a little odd and possibly unhealthy. You’re supposed to have the freedom to choose your vocation.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I don’t see the parents telling the son he’s not allowed to marry or trying to “choose his vocation”.
He wants his parents to meet a girl he is serious about, and get their (name removed by moderator)ut.
It’s a normal thing for a young person to do.
If you don’t have that kind of relationship with your parents, fine. Many people do.
I doubt very much that my husband would have married me if his parents had had some major concern about our relationship, and I wouldn’t have wanted to marry into a family where the parents were not accepting of me as a wife to their son.

If his girlfriend does not like that he is consulting with his parents first, then she’s free to tell him she’d rather not continue the relationship.

 

[AdamP88]

Calm down. I’m not saying he shouldn’t talk to his parents about his potential marriage partner. I’m just saying that “getting the parents (name removed by moderator)ut” is grand as long as it isn’t “the parent’s permission”.

To be honest, I think it’s extremely odd to have parents having any kind of major say on who you marry.

Yeah sure, it’s good if your parents point out some serious issue in the relationship. But I made my decision of who I wanted to marry independent of my parents. It’s good that they like my wife, but If they didn’t I would’ve married her anyway.

A mature man/woman should be able to make that determination for themselves, maybe with the parents acting as a safety net in case it is just infatuation and it’s preventing them from seeing a major issue.

If his girlfriend does not like that he is consulting with his parents first, then she’s free to tell him she’d rather not continue the relationship.

Again, nothing wrong with “meeting the parents” but if he’s relying on his parents permission to make his decision, I’d be worried."

Anyway, that’s all I’m saying. Don’t want to derail the whole thread.

 

[poche]

How does he feel about getting married to you?

 

[Mike1w]

pray, read the scriptures, the catechism, and any catholic writings on marriage. My wife and I met on a catholic dating website as well. We’ve had difficulties, but everyone has some crosses to bear. Marriage is a choice, and love is a decision, not just a feeling.

 

[mywordshalom]

We didn’t originally plan to be meeting his parents so soon, or at least I didn’t. Not that I mind or anything, but it’s just how it fell into play. He (let’s call him D) is in the military and he has ECT this month which started July 14 and is just finishing up this weekend. His base is in KC, where his parents live. So that’s why I happen to be meeting them now. He took a few days off work for some family time when he finished ECT, so I took the opportunity to request those days off so I can see him again, since it’s much easier and more guaranteed for me to take off than him

He isn’t looking for their “stamp of approval” exactly, not as much as he is really wanting to see if his mom thinks I’m the one too. D has one older brother (about 10 years difference) who got married a few years ago to a girl that has broken up the family, separating the young married couple from my boyfriend and the parents. And it’s been really tough on all of them. Still is. But D’s mom had a feeling her oldest son’s now-wife wouldn’t be good for him or the family, and she was right.

A few years later in 2014, the mom’s dad passed away. She was really connected and close to him. A year or two later, there was a lot of trouble going on with D’s brother and his wife that caused some riff in the family. One night around that time, she had a very vivid dream of her dad. I don’t know too much detail, but in the dream her dad had shown her the future wife of her other son (my boyfriend), and in the dream she came to have such a connection with that future wife that she gave away all of her religious belongings and relics to her, something for her (future wife) to keep and remember her by when she (the mom) passed on from this life.

That is why he wants their (name removed by moderator)ut. More his mom than his dad, because of that dream. He’s worried about repeating the mistakes his brother made, and doesn’t want to marry someone who would disappoint them. He wants his parents to at least have one child who will still have a great deep connection with them, and for his future wife to share that connection. So he is waiting to see if his mom and I get along really well, and if she thinks I’m the one she dreamed about before confirming that I am the one.

 

[mywordshalom]

I am from the U.S., but he just has a strong connection to his parents and simply values their opinion- he isn’t looking for their permission but simply wants to see if they like me and if there’s a connection.

He’s also dated one other girl in the past for few months, and she cheated on him in a very painful way. And it still stings a lot. I’m the first girl he’s really gotten serious with, and he is just taking things more cautiously than with the first girl. And I am completely fine with that. I understand his reasoning and am honestly flattered that he is thinking highly of me enough to want me to meet his parents, and to start a connection with them.

I’m not as close with my family as he is with his. It’s been okay, but over the years I’ve just felt more and more isolated with my family somewhat, and something I’ve been looking forward to when finally meeting my future husband is meeting his family and becoming really close to them.

So when he told me about his mom’s dream and me meeting his family, I just cried. I never really had many big dreams in life, other than meeting my future husband soon, and becoming close to his family. Everything just seems to be falling into place so beautifully, I cannot doubt that this is God’s plan for me. He is everything I’ve ever wanted-and more. I never had much of a ‘must’ list other than typical Catholic views. I’ve had traits I’ve always would love to have wrapped in one man, but never imagined ever finding him. Never have I thought I would find a man who would be so perfect of a match for me as he is. And so soon!

All of the prayers for him, all that I have desired in my future with my future husband are suddenly being answered all at once. One God moment after another with him. It’s making me fall in love with Christ more than I ever had, and makes me want to strengthen my relationship with Him all the more. And D has told me that since dating me, he has felt a stronger connection with the Lord, and a deeper desire to draw ever closer.

All of this- how much I am loving him more and more as I get to know him better; how attracted I am to him physically, emotionally, spiritually; how he feels the same way about me. I am certain this is it. I’ve been in infatuation for someone deeply once before, I’ve been so cautious with myself since, but I am certain this is no infatuation or lust. This feels much different, it feels right. I continue to pray about it of course, but every day I just feel that tug of a ‘yes’ in my soul. and it just keeps getting stronger.

 

[Legend]

I admit, I haven’t been following this thread that closely, but…

You shouldn’t even try to live up to a dream, nor should your bf expect it. If you get along well with his mom, great, but if it turns out you’re nothing like the woman she dreamed of…well, I’d put off getting engaged. Normally, parents want to meet their kids’ future spouses out of curiosity, and to see how they treat their kids…no one wants to see their child walk into a disaster! But, you seem to be getting on OK with your bf, and his mom should not judge you by whether you live up to a dream! I’m also wondering why he would share this story with you…could he already be putting too much weight on his mother’s dreams?

Anyhow, good luck, but proceed with caution. Who knows? I may be wrong about the whole thing. But no one should enter marriage without caution and discernment.