I think I'm pregnant and I'm scared of my Abusive Parent's reaction

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Totustuus1213

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Hi everyone,
I recently made a post about my parent’s abusive behavior which you can find here: At my wits end with my abusive parents - #2 by ChrisZ

But, as the title states, I think I am pregnant. I had a very very faint positive today and I will just need to get it confirmed by a doctor now. Now, if this pregnancy is healthy and everything goes well, then an enormous sense of dread comes over me, not because of the little one inside of me, but because of my abusive parents. In my view, telling them would invite them into my life again after going no contact several months ago. I don’t want them in my child’s life for one main reason, they have physically attacked me after I was married and if they can do it then they could definitely do it now or when my child is around. And, in my opinion, attacking a child’s mom is abusive to the child as well.
The problem comes when thinking about them finding out from other family members. I expect they will fly into a rage and conduct another smear campaign against me and my husband. And, they have been so volatile in the past I even worry about them in the future coming to my door and demanding I let them see my child. It terrifies me. I don’t want to be abused anymore but it seems like distance itsn’t even foolproof.
How do I and my husband keep our growing family safe in this situation?
 
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Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Honestly? I wouldn’t tell them. If that is the way they will react, there’s no point in doing it. They don’t have any right to treat you and your husband in such a way. You don’t have to tell them, they have no right to know. Cut all contact. That way you can ensure they won’t bring their abuse into your child’s life.

If they do find out and start harassing you or turning up on your doorstep, tell the police. Keep records of every threatening message and every malicious rumour they spread. It may also be worth letting your workplace know, and your husband should do the same. And even if they do find out, that gives them no right to see or be in contact with your child.

You might also have to cut off family members who would tell your parents. You need to prioritise your safety and your well-being.
 
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You’re baby’s health and well-being should come first. You don’t need to tell your parents.

Be happy about your new baby.
 
At some point in our lives, we have to make a decision about what is the best thing for my spouse and my children. In your case, I feel that moving far away and cutting off your parents was that point. I think you did the right thing.

Here is the next step: you need to detach emotionally from them. Stop caring about what they think, or what they will say, or what lies they will spread. Anyone that listens to them doesn’t matter either. By now, you should know who you can trust to respect your boundaries in not sharing about you to your parents. Do not talk on social media to hurtful people. You do not need any drama.

Your concern now will be your baby and everything that will come with caring for your child for many years. Begin to make your baby your priority by protecting yourself from malicious people, even if it means cutting contact with them for good. You would not want your child to have to deal with what you went through.

Pray for your baby and your husband and let God shower your new family with his blessings.
Congratulations!
 
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You need to do what will keep you emotionally and physically well, and your husband and your own family relationship strong.

I might suggest discussing this with a healthcare professional/counselor. While limiting contact with abusive persons is helpful, cutting contact with all relatives may be more detrimental.
 
I agree that talking to a counselor would be a good thing for you to do.

Cutting off your parents means there are going to be a lot of milestones in your life involving you, this baby, and any future children you might have, that you won’t be sharing with your parents. You can’t go through your life agonizing over what their reaction will be when you don’t tell them something. Their reaction is something you cannot control. I know we have been over the “smear campaign against you and your husband” before, but really, if it’s not affecting your husband’s livelihood and you don’t live near your parents and people are generally aware that your parents are a bit off, this isn’t going to have any practical effect on your life unless you continue to let it hurt you emotionally.

As someone else said, you may want to stay in touch with other relatives and just learn to cope better when your parents fly off the handle. My impression is it’s mostly just your own emotions that are affected here and some counseling would likely help you to better deal with it.

Congrats on your new baby! You need to focus on enjoying this time with your husband and not on what toxic parents are doing.
 
Hugs! Congratulations!

You need to develop relationships with your (healthy) relatives that are independent of your parents’ relationship with you, so that when your parents bring their smears, it doesn’t jive with what they’re getting directly from you. (Like, “Her husband killed her and she’s dead.”) Even if it’s just sending someone a postcard or a notecard two or three times a year, saying, “Hi! I was thinking about you! Hope you’re doing well! I’m doing x, y, and z. Life is busy, but nice!” Be upbeat and positive.

Sometimes, putting physical distance between yourselves is healthy. One of my parents had a very rocky relationship with my grandparents/siblings. So while the rest of all that branch of the family is still geographically very close to each other, my family ended up living about 1000-1500-2000 miles away at various times.

That said, however, remember that when you have an infant, a support system really becomes important, and saves a ton of stress. My MIL actually relocated 800 miles to come live in our town. When we first married, and she was floating the idea of coming to live near one of her sons, DH wasn’t a big fan of the idea. “Well, if you want to live within 100 miles of us… and if you give us 2 hours’ notice before you come visit…” kind of thinking. With her just a few blocks away, though, with kids— it’s been very nice. She gets to enjoy all the grandkid milestones; we go visit her every week for dinner; if I’m running late with my job, she can pick up the kids from school; if I have work/plans, and the kids got sick, she’s able to be the emergency babysitter, and I don’t have to reschedule fifteen things to stay home with a sick kid. 💙

So I guess what I’m saying is-- if you decide to relocate, don’t just run away from something, but have a place you run to. So that you don’t feel stranded, with no support, if that makes sense. Does your husband have family— presuming y’all don’t come from the same town?
 
You are an adult, you are in a valid marriage, this child is a gift from God.

Repeat that, write it down, post it on your mirror in the bathroom, on your alarm clock. Remind yourself every day.

You cannot control their words or actions.

You can control how they impact you.

Please, seek counseling. They will give you tools to build a healthy way to cope. Your stress impacts your baby. When you feel that adrenaline rush, so does your baby. You want your baby to be at peace.

Have you read “Searching For and Maintaining Peace” by Fr Phillipe? Christ did not promise us that there will not be storms. He promised peace in the midst of those storms.
 
Totustuus1213 said:
they have physically attacked me after I was married and if they can do it then they could definitely do it now or when my child is around.
Click to expand...
I want to highlight this sentence for those who may have skimmed my original post and might have missed this. This attack physically bruised me. Would you really be okay your children to be around people like this? If not, please don’t advise me to bring my future children around my abusive parents.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Have you read “Searching For and Maintaining Peace” by Fr Phillipe?
Click to expand...
This is actually my favorite book! 😍 I love it so much.

I can live through the smear campaign. Seriously. I am just scared that as physically abusive narcissists (as in NPD) and very volatile people they will try to physically harm me, my husband, or maybe even my child if they are around us in any capacity.
My question was not “should I tell them?”. My question was “how do I stay safe if they try to hurt us for maintaining no contact during my pregnancy and after childbirth?”.
 
My go-to advice in these situations:
  1. Practice situational awareness. Be mindful of your surroundings.
  2. Lock your doors when you’re home. If they have a key or there’s a way they could have gotten one, change your locks.
  3. Put the police non-emergency line on speed dial. (This is for if they show up on your doorstep and won’t leave. If they physically attack you, call 911.)
  4. Block their numbers if you haven’t already.
  5. Don’t give out details of when you’re due or where you plan to give birth. That way they can’t figure out when you might be in labour.
  6. Password protect your medical records and if you plan to birth at the hospital, register as private. This way they can’t get your info.
Congratulations on the expected little one!
 
In the meantime, I’d get security cameras on everything. House and car. That way if they do try something you have proof - which will help both if you need a restraining order and with proving any violations.
 
If they behave that violently toward you then I recommend an order of protection from the court.
 
Yes, your baby’s safety must come first. Try to document everything your parents do. Record phone calls. Get statements from people who have actually heard them tell lies about you. Don’t let anyone guilt you into ‘honoring’ them, by letting them see their grandchild. They lost this right. They’ve abused you as a child and an adult! If it seems they are trying to get around you don’t hesitate in getting the police involved.

And, of course (this should have come first)congratulations on your expected child. May your pregnancy go well, and may this child bring joy to your life. May he be happy, healthy, and safe!
 
Feel free not to be using your name and details on social media, of course… Pseudonyms and handles are a wonderful thing. If you worry about other family members spilling the beans, you can be vague with them, too. No need to be paranoid, but have a plan and stick to it.
 
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Thank you for all of your replies. It turns out that I’m not pregnant. But I will certainly use this advice when I do get pregnant. Thank you all once again. 🙏
 
Why wait until you get pregnant?

Get your systems/routines/relocations/communications/relationships in place now, before you need them.
 
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