I'm interested in someone who's not Catholic - advice?

[lizzy]

Today someone confessed that they’re in love with me. That obviously made me happy, and I really like this person - he has a wonderful personality, I enjoy spending time with him and he really understands me. I noticed he was interested in me a while ago, and I think the only reason I haven’t fallen for him is because I have long ago decided never to date a non-Catholic (he is a Lutheran). And if I date someone, it is of course with the intention of a potential marriage; so I have actively suppressed my feelings to avoid hurting him or myself. But of course, my feelings blew up with this confession. I’m still determined not to marry a non-Catholic, and that’s why I need your advice on what to do.

I didn’t really answer him, and now I’m thinking about how to address the topic next time we meet. Should I just tell him like it is - that I might be interested in him too, but since he’s not Catholic, I can’t see a future with him? He has expressed some Catholic “ways of thinking” before, and I don’t think he’s unfamiliar with the idea of converting. But, if I tell him this, and he starts going to convert training (don’t know if that’s the correct English term), how do I know he doesn’t do it just for my sake? If he already was Catholic, I wouldn’t hesitate, but I want him to convert for loving the Church; not for loving me. The other option would be just telling him that it’s not going to work and that I’m not interested in a relationship, and the just let it go. I also don’t want to lose him as a friend, as he means a lot to me.

Any advice on how to think and what to do in a situation like this?

 

[TheLittleLady]

Today someone confessed that they’re in love with me.

It sounds as if he is infatuated with you, or has emotional feelings.

Unless you can be happy living the next 60+ years of your life and raising children in a mixed Catholic/Lutheran home, then, remain friends.

 

[lizzy]

Well, that’s exactly what I don’t want. I’ve seen how hard it can be in “mixed” marriages, and I would not stand having a spouse who don’t fully share or support me in my faith. I want to be able to raise my children Catholic, and to share the sacraments with all my family (including my husband).

We’ve known each other for a couple of years and I think he’s felt this way for quite a while know - but you might be right, maybe it’s just a infatuation that will fade away. As I said; if he was a Catholic I would probably not hesitate in starting a relationship, but my fast principle has always been to search for a Catholic man (if marriage is God’s plan with my life) and I don’t want to change that. But I’ve been longing for a spouse and a family for a while now so it’s hard when apparently we both feel the same way.

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[dianeusa]

I married a Lutheran 34 years ago, still married and he is a great man and father. He knew how important my faith was and has never interfered with it. We have raised our 2 adult children Catholic and he agreed to that at the beginning. Yes, I would have loved for him to convert but never insisted he did. He always went to mass with the kids and me when we raised them and even sought out Catholic Churches for mass over vacations. It is not the end of the world not dating or marrying a Catholic but it truly is a decision only you can make. I am sure my parents were somewhat disappointed he was not Catholic but we married in the Catholic Church with a mass and all. They loved him nonetheless. If it truly bothers you which appears to be the case, I would suggest telling him your feelings. If he truly loves you, he will support and have respect for your feelings. A lot of spouses do the RCIA once married, mine did not. I still love him and respect his decision as well. We even say grace , sometimes his, and sometimes mine before each meal. I have never gone to a Lutheran service and most people think he’s Catholic. Haha! Good luck with your situation and remember God is on your side, ask hm for guidance and pray about it. Prayer always helps!!

 

[TC3033]

If it’s a deal breaker, then tell him.

I know for me I’m glad it wasn’t a deal breaker for my wife. She’s Catholic, I’m not, and if it would have been a deal breaker for her we would have missed out on 15 years (and counting) of marriage and 3 awesome boys. I don’t think her Dad was the hottest on it…but he eventually came around.

Understood that “some” mixed marriages may have some issues, but not all do. I wouldn’t expect it as an absolute…we have a marriage built on mutual respect for each other’s faith background. If that’s something you don’t think either of you could accept or accomplish, then yes…that would lead to said issues some mixed-marriges have…and probably the reason we either A) don’t have those issues or B) they’re quite minimal.

 

[Irishmom2]

OP, you said you think he has felt this way for a while, but you didn’t say whether you felt the same for him. I don’t think I would just throw the relationship away because he is not Catholic You might want to see how things go for s little bit. But definitely have some kind of discussion, over time, about respect, and expectations. It isn’t something you need to make any kind of snap judgment on. Things are not always black and white, as evidenced by the two posts above mine.

Keep in mind that people also can marry spouses that are Catholic, but that doesn’t mean their faith is necessarily something they share. Sometimes one ends up not practicing, or not as frequently attending mass as the other etc. So, just the fact that someone is Catholic doesn’t always mean you are “safe.” A spouse that practices their faith while respecting yours can be a “great catch.”

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Just tell him you don’t want to date or get into a serious relationship with a non-Catholic. It’s honest, it’s how you feel, and who knows it might inspire a conversion. My mom told my dad if he wanted to marry her he better do something about his religion, and he went right into Catholic instruction and converted.

 

[Gilly_flower]

Are you sure that insisting a future spouse is Catholic isn’t like insisting he should be 6ft three, blue eyed and blond? Love - and life - is rarely so made-to-order, and if this man is otherwise a serious contender for marriage, which you say he is, you would be foolish to dismiss him out of hand.

I think you need you ask yourself how you will feel ten years from now if you still haven’t met your “ideal” partner. Will you regret having passed up the opportunity to take things further with what sounds like a pretty nice guy? Are marriage and motherhood less important to you than the fact he is a committed Christian but of the wrong “variety”?

This forum is full of posts from people regretfully single - don’t be one of them…

 

[poche]

How does he feel about you as a Catholic?
Maybe he should accompany you to mass.
How does he feel about the religious education of any children that you might have when you are married?
An important part of this time in your life is that you both grow in mutual love and respect for one another. He has to respect you and you have to respect him.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Are you sure that insisting a future spouse is Catholic isn’t like insisting he should be 6ft three, blue eyed and blond? Love - and life - is rarely so made-to-order,

Edited to add, your response came up as a reply to me and I wrote the below based on that. After writing it I realized maybe you weren’t addressing me and meant to address the OP, and the response showed as reply due to the forum operation or what button you happened to hit, so I’ve amended my post slightly.

I was happily married to a Presbyterian for 23 years. We were together for 33 years all told. However, unlike the OP, I did not have big thoughts about how I wanted a Catholic spouse and didn’t want to deal with a mixed marriage. I’ll be honest, he was a strong Jesus believer, didn’t hassle me about my faith and agreed to raise any children Catholic, so I didn’t care and only got more interested in having him convert in the last couple years before he died.

The OP expressed a strong desire to marry a Catholic man. Therefore, she should be honest with men she meets about that.

If the OP had expressed a strong desire to marry a man who was 6 foot 2 and blonde, to the point where she didn’t really want to date others, she should likewise be honest with men she meets about that.

We all have deal breakers and that’s okay.

 

[Gilly_flower]

I absolutely agree it is unrealistic to get involved with someone on the basis that you want to change them, but it is equally unwise to set parameters which make it unlikely ever to meet anyone who will meet them.

To continue my analogy, should the woman seeking a six’ three blue eyed blond refuse to countenance a merely sandy-haired man of only 6 foot 2 who is wearing sunglasses which make it difficult to be sure of his eye colour?

Few potential life partners are going to be perfect “tens” - not even ourselves. So if a good man of whom she is fond loves her, and she reciprocates his feelings, and wants to be married, I think she should sit down with him for some serious talk about how they proceed…

As is evidenced by this forum there are no guarantees that a Catholic partner will make a good spouse - or that another good man will appear on the horizon any time soon.

So i think at the very least it would be wise to talk things over…

 

[TheLittleLady]

Are you sure that insisting a future spouse is Catholic isn’t like insisting he should be 6ft three, blue eyed and blond?

Faith is the very foundation of a person. It is not hair color.

For some people, they do not mind the idea of living in a mixed faith household, for others it is a “deal killer”. For those people where shared faith is tantamount, it is not our place to belittle that as something superficial.

 

[lizzy]

Thanks to you all for the thoughtful replies. I will think about it.

I realise that a Catholic spouse is not a guarantee for a happy marriage, as many of you have stated. And not wanting a mixed relationship is not really from lack of respect of the other’s faith - what I’m most concerned with is not being able to fully share the sacraments, especially the Eucharist. I feel like that is an important thing to me and I think it would hurt never to be able to. Also I’m not always strong in my faith, and I think it would be hard to “keep it up” alone - I would need support, especially with raising children according to the faith. That being said, of course there are good men who aren’t Catholic.

OP, you said you think he has felt this way for a while, but you didn’t say whether you felt the same for him.

Well, I wouldn’t exactly say I’m in love with him, but I’ve definitely had some feelings. I could probably fall in love if I just let myself. I absolutely love him as a friend.

Just tell him you don’t want to date or get into a serious relationship with a non-Catholic. It’s honest, it’s how you feel, and who knows it might inspire a conversion. My mom told my dad if he wanted to marry her he better do something about his religion, and he went right into Catholic instruction and converted.

I’ll probably just tell him that. Of course it would be amazing if he wanted to convert. But as I said, I want him to do it for loving the church; not only for my sake. But maybe it isn’t a bad thing to convert for someone else? Even if that was the initial reason, who knows what they may feel in the end. His dad is a Lutheran priest which might complicate things - but if I know him correctly he’s not afraid of doing things that he believes is right even though it might upset someone else.

 

[lizzy]

Are you sure that insisting a future spouse is Catholic isn’t like insisting he should be 6ft three, blue eyed and blond? Love - and life - is rarely so made-to-order, and if this man is otherwise a serious contender for marriage, which you say he is, you would be foolish to dismiss him out of hand.

I would like to say it’s not the same thing. What you’re talking about is physical attributes which doesn’t have any impact on life; it’s merely superficial attributes. For me, my faith is a big part of my life and a part of who I am, and I think not being able to truly share that would hurt, at least for me. (edit: I saw that TheLittleLady said to same thing but with a different wording further down - that is exactly how I feel.) Actually he is far from my preferred “type” in appearance, and his personality isn’t what I thought I would fall for, either (though he is kind, caring and considerate). But I see your point - I do have some kind of “ideal partner” pictured in my head. For example, I always dreamt of marrying a Catholic-from-birth to have a large Catholic extended family, as that is something I miss right now (my parents converted from protestantism when I was four, and we are the only Christians in the family).

I think you need you ask yourself how you will feel ten years from now if you still haven’t met your “ideal” partner. Will you regret having passed up the opportunity to take things further with what sounds like a pretty nice guy? Are marriage and motherhood less important to you than the fact he is a committed Christian but of the wrong “variety”?

Yes, I would probably regret it. I already regret not acting on previous feelings for (both Catholic and not) other men when I was younger - though they didn’t show any interest in me, so far I could tell, who knows what would have happened if I’s tried to get to know them better. I’m still in my early twenties, so I have time to meet someone else - but what if that “someone else” never comes? So maybe I should see this as my chance; but at the same time, I wouldn’t want to marry someone out of fear of never finding someone else. I live in a country with very few Catholics (about 1% of the population), and few practicing Christians in general. So good Catholic men doesn’t exactly grow on trees here (I don’t know if they do anywhere).

How does he feel about you as a Catholic?
Maybe he should accompany you to mass.

He has no problems with me being a Catholic as far as I’ve noticed, and he has accompanied me to mass twice.

How does he feel about the religious education of any children that you might have when you are married?

Haha, that’s a question for further discussion I guess. I don’t think he would oppose it, but I I’ve said earlier, I would ideally like to not have all the responsibility of raising faithful children on myself. If you can see what I mean.

 

[lizzy]

I’m slightly confused right now but I guess the best thing I can do is to tell him how I feel at the moment, and then proceed from there. I wouldn’t want to start a relationship if I already know I’m not going to get through with it. There’s also a bit of an age difference between us (I’m 22 and he’s 29), which isn’t a lot really, but for some reason it bothers me. It probably shouldn’t; I know lots of happy couples with a larger difference than that. Of course another dimension to it is that I den’t want to disappoint my parents. I’m sure they would accept it and love him either way, but they would definitely need their time to come to terms with it. Especially since one of my brothers currently is together with someone who’s not even a Christian (or maybe that’s mitigating circumstance - at least I chose a Christian… )

Again, thank you for your advice, and please say a short prayer for me if you want to!

Edit: forgot to add this link, which I think brings up some of my points and feelings: https://catholicherald.co.uk/commen...d-why-catholics-shouldnt-marry-non-catholics/

 

[Tis_Bearself]

People who convert with alacrity in order to marry are often drawn on some level to the religious belief and aren’t just doing it for the spouse.
My dad was a really good Catholic. I think he had been looking for a belief system because he had been raised off and on in two Protestant churches, was basically a “none” when he met my mom, and had been through two wars and seen a lot of rotten stuff. For some reason he really liked Catholicism. He often said if he hadn’t married he would have liked to have been a monk.

 

[Gilly_flower]

If only around 1% of your local population is Catholic, then I would gently suggest that the chances of meeting a future spouse among them is vanishingly small…So if you feel called to marriage then a period of realistic discernment is probably wise. I am not suggesting you settle for the first man who comes along but equally, since it is statistically highly likely that you will not meet a suitable Catholic partner, why not give this good man a chance? If you cannot agree on a shared long term future then you are free to walk away - but don’t give up without finding out more.

 

[TC3033]

If you feel the same way about marrying a non-Catholic as the author in the linked blog (of which I found a few of their opinions uncharitable), then it’s about you, your feelings and whether you want to go forward with at least dating the guy.

There’s been a few people here who have commented here from a place where they have very successful mixed marriages. If you do think you may go forward, maybe fire some questions about what it’s like in a mixed marriage to get feedback from people who are in successful ones. I know I’m cool with it.

 

[Anicette]

If you do not feel the idea of marrying a non catholic, do not pursue this relationship.

The article you linked is pretty convincing.

After, if you live in a country with only 1% of Catholics, you may need to make extra things in order to find a good catholic man. Like having an extend catholic network of quality, involving others people in the search, online dating, size opportunities, and perhaps search him aboard…

 

[TC3033]

The article you linked is pretty convincing.

IDK, for me I didn’t think it was the most convincing thing in the world. I may need to re-read, but it was an opinion piece that was written from one angle and seemed to be meant to persuade.

If you do not feel the idea of marrying a non catholic, do not pursue this relationship.

I pretty much agree here. Don’t lead the guy on, but like I said…I’m pretty glad (and I’ll assume my wife is too), that me not being Catholic wasn’t a deal breaker.

I did think about this a bit this afternoon @lizzy . At 22, can you tell me about how you’ve seen how hard it would be in mixed marriages? At 22 I was more worried about getting through my senior year of college and proposing to my wife… I may be helpful to some of us in mixed-marriges to comment if we understand your experience with them.